The duck and the rain

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Quack.

Hi Duck, whatcha doing?

Quack. *Duck is looking at me*

The rain is pouring down, and duck is swimming in the pond. No other living creature to be seen around. The sky is dark grey, the trees are dancing in the storm. Here we are, duck and me, just the two of us.

Quack. Quack.

Hey Duck, what’s up? You would like some food perhaps? I’m sorry duck, I don’t think I have anything. Checking my backpack. Wait, here I have some crackers. You might like them, duck. So I take them out and give some small pieces to duck. Duck eats. Duck wants more.

Quack.

For a while, I stand in the rain. Duck eats the crumbs, I eat the crackers.

Quack, said duck.

And so duck swam and eat, and I stood munching in the rain on crackers.

How simple beauty can be (t)here, in the rain and cold.

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>> Fast forward >>

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Boom.

Sometimes, I want time to move on. Or maybe not time; I want myself, to move on. But usual, I’m slow, and usual, I wait too long. At least 10 years of my life have passed, just like that. Now, sometimes, I regret it, but depression captured me, and even if I wanted to do – I couldn’t act different in that time. So I should’t regret. But sometimes, these feelings come over and make me feel I do.

Years ago, I could have gone on a trip to Japan with my previous Jiu Jitsu club. I didn’t – why? Because I was too afraid. I never went on an airplane, I never went so far, I had to go with 98% of unknown people there. Now? I can hit myself that I didn’t go.

Last year, I could have gone on a trip to Georgia (Between Russia and Armenia, not the state of the USA) because I had the time and money. I didn’t – why? Because I was too afraid.

So I can mention much more things. It’s a miracle I finished university – though it didn’t get me a job, it could have gave me a debt as twice as high if I failed.

Now? I feel like I’m done with my old life. And still I’m a bit stuck. I want to enjoy life, I want to experience, I want to see the world, I want a #### job! I want to earn money, I want to be able to have a place to live, a place to live with i-love-very-much-far-away-friend , I want to be able to buy a (second hand) car, I want to be able to buy new clothes I want without having to calculate and think for a month. I want to be able to take someone to the movies. To eat out sometimes. To go on a bicycle ride and sit in the sun in the park. To go to a museum. To go to the mountains in the weekend. To learn to ski. To buy someone a nice present. To do nice things for people. There is so much I want. But at the same time, these things give so much pressure- this little depression voice -you failed, failed failed failed failed in life . You managed so far to get your (hopeless) degree, but your life didn’t get any better – it even got worse. You never managed to find a job, you never managed to take care of yourself completely. You can’t be free – you can not afford your own little place to live, you are dependent on people who are nice to you. *SHOOT* stop.

I’m going to move in a while, abroad again. I look very forward to it, I need a change. But at the same time I’m really afraid: what if I can’t make it? What if I still can’t find a job? This is really scary – I so want to make this work. I so want to make this work.

I wish I could shoot this depression monster, that sometimes comes up inside of me. The thing that brings the fear, the thing that causes these doubts, that thing that messes up with my self confidence.

That is there, still, deep inside of me, though I managed to cut down its strenght. But it’s still there, I know, it knows.

I wish I could just shoot it, pow, boom,and never see it again.

The empty lands

Arise the sunrise,

where sand goes into snow

where flowers are nothing more than vague appearances

where only the forces of nature know;

their shadows are the shelter

and reality here is a story unknown

 

finding ways in this empty desert,

protect the cold, protect the heath,

resist against turning rounds in

the competitions of repeat.

 

A thousand times,

I crossed this sky

No thousand miles to run

because  I will always wonder why.

The lost colony (documentary) – Abhkazia

Recently, I saw a documentary again for the second time,  that really captured my attention. Somehow I was really intriged by it, and the movie stayed in the back of my head: it’s The lost colony, by Dutch Filmmaker Astrid Bussink.

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About the documentary:

The oldest primate laboratory in the world, located in the enchanting former Soviet republic of Abkhazia, was virtually destroyed during its struggle for independence from Georgia. But the lab workers refuse to give up their lab and have come up with a new idea to restore it to its former pride and glory. With the help of their renowned former director Professor Lapin they hope to put their institute back on the map. The Lost Colony follows their efforts, made with boundless confidence and unwavering hope, against all odd

See here: the trailer

I think this documentary is really awesome and I would love to see this place in real someday. I must add, that I don’t like experiments on animals, I don’t like this at all.

Though despite the fact, that this happened here, it is a ‘strong’ story somehow and it really fascinated me (doesn’t happen too often). Georgia, and Abkhazia, are definitely on my wishlist now to travel and experience. I have been wanting to go here last year, september, but I didn’t end up going: Because I was too scared to travel alone here.

I bought a map of Georgia, I did some online research about places I wanted to see, and figured out how to fly there. But I didn’t end up booking. I wish I did it, last year. But I didn’t. This is really something that I regret I didn’t do. I’m a coward sometimes, I know.

But I hope, I still go there. I want to visit it still, I would also like to visit Azerbaijan and Armenia; somehow they are intriging me.
I really hope I am brave enough do plan this in my life, before I totally get bankrupt. I really hope I will get a job and save some money so I can do this. And hopefully, my i-love-very-much-far-away-friend wants to come with me. I would love to experience the world with her.

Here a page about the documentary

Here also an article about the institute

Take the leap of faith

So. I got turned down for another job. Really, I’m really getting sick of this. The constant being turned down. It was a job for which I had experience (which is rare usually) and which I am sure I can do. I also seemed to fit in the profile they gave, but of course, they had other candidates who fit better in their profile, so that’s (like always) the reason (at least they write that to me), that my application ends here.

Finally I had the strenght back to search for a job again and apply for things lately, but it doesn’t work at all. It’s really affecting me, and I try not to let it affect me. Say a year ago, these things really affected my mood. Luckily, they don’t really affect it now like they did before, and I hope it stays like this. It’s not cool that I can’t find a job, or that no one wants me, it doesn’t help for the confidence in myself or the feeling of having a right to exist.

I try to keep myself okay, even without money, I survive so far.

The more and more I can dream again, the more I realize I do have dreams. I dream of the outdoors, of hiking in the mountains, of doing adventure races, and things like that. But I’m not in shape, and I didn’t do these things much. Though I know I love them and I would be more happy to do these things actively – I miss the mountains. I miss the outdoor life. There are no mountains here, where I currently stay.

The more and more I think moving next year is a right thing to do. Even if I don’t have a job. I don’t expect to find one very soon when I will go there. Though I hope I will.

I need to do this. I need to make this move. I need to go abroad. I need to follow my heart, and find and chase my dreams. (And yeah, of course, I’m afraid – I feel (again) this is my ‘real last chance’. – If this doesn’t work out….no, i don’t want to think about that.).

Doing something meaningful – or not.

Today, I read something about someone who, just like me, went abroad for voluntary work. If you have read before on my blog, maybe you have read that I’ve ended this 6 months early, because it didn’t work out at all; there wasn’t any work and everything I tried to do didn’t matter to anyone; it seemed all useless and no one appreciated it.I couldn’t find my place there and even if I tried to talk about it several times (what was hard for me, but I did it), nothing changed. Maybe this is exaggerated to some, but I really felt there was no back-up at all. No one cared at the place where I ‘worked”, no one cared from the organisation with who I went on this voluntary work. They didn’t respond on my e-mails or messages and that really bothered me, for a while. I went on some trainings, I spoke with a lot of persons, and I still think this whole things turned out really crappy for me. I don’t want to indicate it’s all the fault of others, I’m guilty myself too, because I can not function in these environments, I could have made my own projects, I just couldn’t hang on to this because I felt trapped, unwished, didn’t seem any purpose of anything. I don’t have a strong power to continue when nothing seems to matter – I could have done something, instead of ‘giving up on everything’. I just lack this power. I don;’t know why.

As well, I don’t want to say by this that I’m the only one, of course I KNOW i’m not the only one. But that doesn’t make it feel easier or right. I so needed this to work out, but it didn’t. Hello real world.

Anyway, I read about something this person wrote, that how someone told him how great work he did, what he achieved and that he should be proud of himself. And how good he felt. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m  happy that he feels happy about this and that he did great work and others acknowlegde that, everyone needs something like this from time to time. I am happy he reached this and his work is valued and that is brings positive things – because I also know, it wasn’t easy for him either.

But by reading this, something touched something inside of me. I don’t know why or what exactly it is, but I thought about this whole thing and how dissapointing this went or ended. And how not accepted I feel in general (life) , and that often it seems that no one sees any value in me. Okay, there are a few expections, but on the working/professional level, I seem to be completely useless, because no one seems to see anything in me or there doesn’t seem to be a chance to develop myself in this way, and sometimes, I get really sad of this. What do I do wrong? Is there something wrong with my resume? Something with  my letters? I followed two or three trainings in how to do job applications and writing letters, I asked different people to check mine and for their help. What do I need to change? These things make me feel useless as a human being, why the heck am I on this world when there is no job for me and no money? I feel worthless. It is not only the depression thing or low self confidence that causes this, it’s also all the happenings in the last five years.

I got sick. There was no back up. No help. No financial stuff.

I rehabilitated. No help. I had to do it myself. No financial help.

No benefits; I was not bad enough and I was officially still a student, so take a loan.

I took a loan, worked on finished my study, finished, and that almost seems to be where my ‘carreer-future’ ended.

My studentsjob where I stayed after graduating, cut my hours, it was 4 hours traveling one way and in the end I got so less shifts that my trainfares where as high as my wage. No better situation and this went on for months. Pressure got really high, situation more bad and bad, so I left myself. Bye bye stupido, you lose all your rights, because its your fault your unemployed now.

Sat at home for 6 months. Feeling depressed, not being able to get out of this black hole. Had plans to travel to Georgia, Armenia, London, but ended up sitting in my room.

Finally made the decision to go on this voluntary project. Went abroad. Things didn’t work.  And so? I came back with nothing. I didn’t do anything, nothing meaningful.

And now? good question. I don’t know.

Sometimes, it just stings somewhere. And this devil inside my head: loser, loser, you can’t even take care of yourself. And I don’t want to blame, but things weren’t working with me. I feel rejected. Rejected by the world. And I can’t help it, and I know it’s a feeling, and I know it;s not completely true,  but this is how it feels somewhere inside of me.

It’s all I wish for.

All I want , …………… all I wish – sometimes it’s just too difficult. That it is far away, and it arises so many questions. What am I doing? Why am I here…

Why am I , so far away from you? And why are you, so far away from me?

Things fade, and I don’t want them to fade. I feel them fading away and I don’t want them to. I look at your picture, your warm smile, and my heart smiles. I look at the pictures of us together, of our trips, and all I can feel, is that they all were so nice, and that I miss it now.

It’s conflicting; they make me intense sad, and they make me feel warm inside.

Time takes things to the backgrounds, and I don’t want them to. I want to feel your presence, I want to feel you lying next to me. Hear you breathe, I want to hear your sounds. I want to smell your scent. I want to touch your skin. There is so much, that I want, and I don’t want these things to fade.

I want to wake up, and see you lying next to me, want to make breakfast, for you, while you’re lying in bed and I’m in the kitchen. I would like to lie in bed with you, just listening to the heavy rain outside, and rest my head against your shoulder. I want to watch the stars with you, and stare and stare at the big starry sky.

I just want to be with you. Without all these why’s.(And why it is so far from me, and why is there this distance and why is life this way and why and why and why.)