The last few days were not very nice. I felt as I had a stone on my chest. This all were the 3 days after the job interview and message that they would give me a chance.
Over the weekend I spoke with several people. I’m glad I did, because it makes me feel more calm. This big stone on my chest lifted a bit.
Someone asked me the question what is it about this job that I like.Silence. I am not sure if I have a very good reason: I applied for this job in the first place because I don’t trust the benefit system and social care here. I thought I would not get money, so I would have to find a back up myself. The job goes a bit with my studies, though not completely, and I thought I could do it and I had a decent chance.
But there is more about being able to do something, making a chance. That can not be all ‘the’ reason. For a long time I walked on my toes at work. I never felt valued, and there was this enormous pressure and every single minute of my day was planned, with no possibility to change it yourself. It also clashes a bit with my personality, because I’m someone who thinks, who cares about quality. My previous job was not the place, and it looks like this new job isn’t the place for it neither.
But. But but but:
Finally I have a bit peace of mind. I have time to recover. I get some money, enough to get by. I can survive with that. Why would I push myself immediatly in a situation again with stress? I don’t have to feel guilty, because I work for a while (almost 15 years) and I never had benefits before. Still I feel a little guilt. Less than before, but it’s still there.
I did a lot of jobs and work I didn’t like so much. Some where hard work for very less money,. I never had a relaxed job I think. For once I can find a nice place too, right?
So I just have to remind myself, I don’t HAVE to do this. I got recovery time, and I will go to see a psychologist because I don’t get out of this anymore and I feel lost. I couldn’t do that before because of the waiting lists. But it will not take so long anymore now. I just hope he or she can help me.
And boom. Interruption.
Phonecall. Of the social benefit stuff. And boom again there is is stone on my chest. This guy started about work and starting to work and reintegration. WHAT THE HECK LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A BIT! is what I feel my whole body screaming. I don’t want to do the same kind of work again. This guy send something like if you can than you kind of have to, WHAT even if it MAKES YOU SICK? What is it in this world?
Really? They expect you to get better and while you’re still not charged or better they bomb you with phonecalles and questions and things to look in to like HELLO CAN I HAVE PEACE FOR A BIT AND BE LEFT ALONE AND NOT ALL THIS PRESSURE ON ME?
This is what I really, really dislike about this world.
Once your down, everyone seems to step on to you and decide whats best for you and you get the impression that you’re doing something illegal and superbad. And push you and not really listen.
It looks like this system doesn’t care if your job makes you sick.
Finally I felt a bit better. And now I’m full of anxiety and not nice feelings again.
I feel stressed. The stone on my chest. Breathe. All this tension in my body.
Is this supposed to be life? Is this what people find accepteble and fun and okay?
Like really, I understand why people don’t want to be part of society, to be left alone, become addicts, or even get that far to make a decision to end life. I get it. I can understand it.
Seriously, I wish life was a bit more friendly and easier.