About sharktoothsweater

When it comes about writing about myself I guess there follows a long silence. What should I write about me? For me it feels like there’s not so much to say actually because I’m kind of empty. And I do not know if I really know who I am. I suppose I could tell you my shoesize, the color of my hair or my eyes, about my height but none of those things really matter do they? Nor does my age, my sex, my nationality, the place where I live. At least, they do not matter in my world. I hope they don’t matter in yours either. Because all of this, what comes out here, is the real me I guess. If you have questions, or just something to say, you can reach me at sharktoothsweater at gmail dot com

Struggles turning into battles?

Right now, I find myself in a place where I don’t want to be.

I feel nauseaus in my stomach, my body feels stressed, my breath is not in my stomach but high almost in my throat. I feel shaky and bad.

What happened? Yeah, what happened.
This week I had to go to 4 hours of work a day. It seems that it is too much. It costs me a lot of energy and even if it’s just one hour a day, it really seems to be too much.
Anyway.
Yesterday it went wrong, I had a lot of anxiety and stress reactions even before work started. I didn’t really do anything at work. I notice this in my breahting, trembling of my hand, and kind of panic or anxiety attacks. I know they make no sense, but they happen.

Today was a little bit better, but I did not do any work, and I left one hour earlier, I went back to 3 hours and that will be the case next week, unless it goes really well and I can make it to 4. Agreed on this in a talk with manager and someone who was my coach in the past yesterday.

I called the job agency to tell them this. Like inform. But the phonecall was not so nice. It made me feel so much worse. I just told them that I couldnt make it up to the schedule and 4 hours a day and that it seemed to much, so we went one hour down again. But then – I don’t recall it exactly, but the main points were –
-I had to realize that people do actually care about me and try to help me, and that they do what they can. I said I knew that, and yes I know that.
-I am unhappy, I said that agreed on that. It’s just true, I am not happy right now.
– I have to ask myself if I want to stay there for the last 2 months I’m supposed to. Because maybe it would be enough for my employer and they would want to end it. Yeah of course they want to get rid of someone who is disfunctioning and sick. But why say this? Is it a way of telling me they want to get rid of me now? They rather see me go than stay?
-they dont want me to drop out for 100%. We’re working to get myself better and ready for another job, not becoming worse. Yeah well……all of this is a bit mixed up now probably, but then

And then telling me not to worry and relax in the weekend. And we’ll see again next week.

But now, I feel so much worse.

  • Does this mean they want to get rid of me now, and that my recovery doesnt go fast enough?
  • Does this mean they think I am not doing my best?
  • Does this mean they want to get rid of me?
  • Does this mean they hope I will quit myself now
  • Does this mean ………like what?

I really don’t see it. I just know that my stress reactions in my body go up right now, and I feel really not nice.

Do I see things wrong?

I am doing my best not to feel worse, but I feel tensed, and my body is full of stress and not nice feelings in my stomach. I don’t want to eat, but I’m hungry. (all week, almost). I feel instable, like I can collapse sometimes. These I think are signs of stress and anxiety.

What am I supposed to do?

I just hope this was a bad week or a bad few days and it turns better next week, but really, I don’t know how to think, what to think or how to behave. I just wish I knew where to find something or someone that can help me. But I don’t , really.

I see the nurse again in 2 weeks. She told me if it doesn’t go it doesn’t go. Easy as that. And then I just call in sick. But that does not really fix things right. I have to improve at a certain point. I just don;’t know anymore right now.

All I know is that I don’t feel particularly good after this last phonecall.

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Another part of struggling.

Today I feel incredibly sad, without even knowing exactly why. I feel so much emptiness, I feel like I have rarely been so hollow inside, I’m a zombie and my heart is a deep black hole full of hurt.

At work, since I’ve started again, I mostly sit alone, seperated from my colleagues. I can’t bring myself to sit with anyone. They are nice, but being close to them seems to difficult to me. So I just hide alone in a corner of the office.

I know I am the only one who can change this.

Today I had to go to my manager for a talk. Like how things are going and stuff. I really did not look forward to it, I don’t feel like talking to anyone. But I could not really not go.

It was not such a nice talk. I said honestly that I don’t know how I am, that I just try to do my work and that’s it – nothing else. I said that I am unhappy, that I don’t feel good here. She said something back like that it’s also in my range to change things – I know, I seperate myself from the rest, I appearantly decide to hide from everyone. I just can’t do things differently.

I think I must have looked superdepressed. Which is actually how I felt at the moment.

She asked questions, about future plans, about if I’m trying to find another job. I said I don’t know. I am looking, but not doing anything. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how my life is in 2 months. I just feel lost. I don’t feel like I can really do anything. I’m not something very specific. It would have been easier maybe when I would be a painter or something specific, but I’m just a something together from some random stuff.

I said I find life difficult. That I don’t see it. How to work hard and not achieve anything, no stability and stuff. That it doesn’t work out, for me.

I came home feeling supersad. I tried to sleep, without succes. Outside the sun shines, but inside of me it just feels like one big battlefield where a war was and left a big darkness.

Yeah, I know it will pass. I know it’s probably just a bad day. It just feels so awful. And I realize I do this myself to, with hiding, with withdrawing, with being in this isolation.

But I just don’t have the energy. I just can not do otherwise right now.

S-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g

The interview from last post did not lead to a different job. That was really okay actually, because I was not sure if this would be a better job for me.

I’m really struggling at work. And with life.

Work is really so not nice. It takes so much energy to pass just 3 hours a day at the moment. This was the first week of 3 hours a day. And I’m not even really doing something. How am I going to make it to the end of July? I tried to get holidays in July because I still have hours, but the question is if there is space to give me off. Blah.

I am not sure if I want another job.

I am not sure where I want to go, or what I want to do.

I don’t know what is wise to decide; stay called in sick or call in better for a while and get unemployment pay, but lots of other things I have to do. Or quit everything myself and just go and not have any money.

Sometimes I feel a bit angry and I hate money and all this pressure and these rules.

It doesn’t matter how hard you work, at least not in my case, because where did it lead me? Nowhere. I can’t even be safe moneywise or house-wise.What’s the point? Really.

All I can think of now, is that I would like to be somewhere with a tent on a piece of grass, with a view on water and trees, blue skies and some sun, and not worry about anything. That is what I want. And I want it to last. Not just for 4 days.

A bit out of the comfort zone

Last week, I did an unexpected application, quick and officially the opening was closed, but still on, but I still sent the application in. I was surprised that they did call me, and I had an interview today. For this other job.

This morning I went to my current job first , where I have to build up hours again, but I felt terrible. I was so so tired when I left there. Drained, and I just spend 2 hours there. things will never be okay again there.

I came home and went not very well prepared to the job interview (part of the plan, actually, to keep things stress-free). I am really not sure how it went. I asked lots of questions, but I’m not sure how well I answerd the questions about me and my skills. After, I thought I should have done things differently or should have said this and that, but it was already to late. I said what I said and I did what I did, I can’t change it now.

They will inform tomorrow, so I will know soon if I make a chance or not. But I really, really don’t know how I feel about this job. It could be nice, but I honestly don’t know. It’s hard to see that. I don’t know if that is the depression talking or that it’s just not a job for me.

So as I try to also see some positive things in what happens – Yeah, I felt bad today. But I went to work, I went to the interview and whatever happens, I did these things (and especially interviews and stuff like that are out of my comfort zone), I cooked and I ate strawberries. I slept too , but thats okay sometimes when  you feel miserable right?

I don’t know if it’s positive what I wrote, because I want to try to make positive posts too sometimes,  I hope it is, because this is the best I can do right now.

 

 

Doomed to live

Some time ago, one of my friends recommended this series on Netflix to me – Gomorra: La serie – an Italian crime drama series. Thanks to watching this series, I ‘discovered’ this music by this band Mokadelic.  Especially one of their songs is one that kind of resonated with me : Doomed to live.

Doomed to live. That’s exactly how I feel sometimes.

I don’t seem good enough to make a decent life. I’m not bad enough to have a very miserable life. I’m not even good or bad enough to be in between. I’m not good enough to make it in this world and keep things spinning, and not bad enough to be really sick or disfunctioning or whatever you call it.

I’m not even in the middle. Somewhere that falls everywhere in between.
I didn’t choose this. I didn’t choose life. Nor did I choose death.

I am just stuck, and doomed to live. Because I’m here. Because I’m there.

That’s what it is. Doomed to live.

That, was that.

I went to the office today and had a talk with my manager and the job agency aka my official employer. I felt superstressed and nauseaus before going there, really had a knot in my stomach. The talk was okay – there is a plan now, which means I’m going back to work from monday and I start with two hours a day.

I also said that I don’t want my contract to be renewed. I think my manager was a bit surprised.  But now everyone knows my contract will end somewhere end of July. So whatever happens, I will not stay in my current job.

So far that, and that was that.

This is the beginning of an end. I don’t know where it will go – it felt difficult, but in my heart I know this is the right decision.

And that was the doctor..

Today I had an appointment with this doctor that is hired by the job agency. He’s the only one who is allowed to give advice. I found him a bit quick somehow, like I expected to tell more in detail what caused all of this, but he seemed only interested in the essentials/basics. This part made me a bit unhappy. But he found it ‘legitimate’ that I called in sick. So that is the good part , I guess. But I found it pretty superficially – the whole thing. I was not sure what to expect but I thought it would go a bit ‘deeper’. Causes, real examples, stuff like that.  Maybe a wrong expectation.

He said he thinks it’s being overworked, and he wants me to start working again slowly. But that I can’t do anything stressful and I need structure. He will put that in his advice. And I kind of have to follow that. Starting with two hours a day and slowly building up. I have to go see him in six weeks. If things do not go better or did not change, he will refer me to some special psychologists that are also hired by my employer. Tomorrow I will call the ‘sickservice’ to see with them how we do this.

I don’t know if I’m happy or not. I’m afraid nothing will change at work anyway. I don’t see how this can get better, but maybe that is my depressed view at things.

I feel depressed today. Like, really depressed. I just hope tomorrow is better.