Struggles turning into battles?

Right now, I find myself in a place where I don’t want to be.

I feel nauseaus in my stomach, my body feels stressed, my breath is not in my stomach but high almost in my throat. I feel shaky and bad.

What happened? Yeah, what happened.
This week I had to go to 4 hours of work a day. It seems that it is too much. It costs me a lot of energy and even if it’s just one hour a day, it really seems to be too much.
Anyway.
Yesterday it went wrong, I had a lot of anxiety and stress reactions even before work started. I didn’t really do anything at work. I notice this in my breahting, trembling of my hand, and kind of panic or anxiety attacks. I know they make no sense, but they happen.

Today was a little bit better, but I did not do any work, and I left one hour earlier, I went back to 3 hours and that will be the case next week, unless it goes really well and I can make it to 4. Agreed on this in a talk with manager and someone who was my coach in the past yesterday.

I called the job agency to tell them this. Like inform. But the phonecall was not so nice. It made me feel so much worse. I just told them that I couldnt make it up to the schedule and 4 hours a day and that it seemed to much, so we went one hour down again. But then – I don’t recall it exactly, but the main points were –
-I had to realize that people do actually care about me and try to help me, and that they do what they can. I said I knew that, and yes I know that.
-I am unhappy, I said that agreed on that. It’s just true, I am not happy right now.
– I have to ask myself if I want to stay there for the last 2 months I’m supposed to. Because maybe it would be enough for my employer and they would want to end it. Yeah of course they want to get rid of someone who is disfunctioning and sick. But why say this? Is it a way of telling me they want to get rid of me now? They rather see me go than stay?
-they dont want me to drop out for 100%. We’re working to get myself better and ready for another job, not becoming worse. Yeah well……all of this is a bit mixed up now probably, but then

And then telling me not to worry and relax in the weekend. And we’ll see again next week.

But now, I feel so much worse.

  • Does this mean they want to get rid of me now, and that my recovery doesnt go fast enough?
  • Does this mean they think I am not doing my best?
  • Does this mean they want to get rid of me?
  • Does this mean they hope I will quit myself now
  • Does this mean ………like what?

I really don’t see it. I just know that my stress reactions in my body go up right now, and I feel really not nice.

Do I see things wrong?

I am doing my best not to feel worse, but I feel tensed, and my body is full of stress and not nice feelings in my stomach. I don’t want to eat, but I’m hungry. (all week, almost). I feel instable, like I can collapse sometimes. These I think are signs of stress and anxiety.

What am I supposed to do?

I just hope this was a bad week or a bad few days and it turns better next week, but really, I don’t know how to think, what to think or how to behave. I just wish I knew where to find something or someone that can help me. But I don’t , really.

I see the nurse again in 2 weeks. She told me if it doesn’t go it doesn’t go. Easy as that. And then I just call in sick. But that does not really fix things right. I have to improve at a certain point. I just don;’t know anymore right now.

All I know is that I don’t feel particularly good after this last phonecall.

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Living a life?

The last few weeks, have well…..just been weeks. Where days go by, and days go by.

I don’t really feel like I’m living a life. Most of the things are empty, meaningless, things that ‘have to be done’. But all disconnected from feelings. Things and feelings without a soul.

In most ways, everything has been chaotic. Work has been unstable, due to problems with planning department, extreme busy to nothing to do, to the sounds of the firing people issue. If everything goes according the planning, things will be more clear next week of who’s going to be fired and who not. (Not that I believe that – there are contradicting messages all the time and I don’t know what or who to believe – I guess I ‘ll just wait untill it really happens, because if I don’t its all lost energy of worrying and questioning). I don’t get it why they are so unclear and make so much fuss about it, all this causes is restless people.

Things at home have been difficult.

Sometimes I’m sad I still ‘live at my parents, because sometimes, like now, I dream of my own place. But it’s simple: I can’t really afford it. The risks are too high. Rents are too high. Even with my salary that is above minimum wage. BUT, since my work position and my income is unstable: I never have hour guarantees. Next week it dropped,  I have 16 hours. Thank you cutbacks. If my work drops like that, I wouldn’t be able to pay the rent or other bills.

Now, my sister is back again. I can’t help it, but everything changes when she’s here, certain things annoy me. I’m really okay with having someone over,  but somehow things with her always go the same and they annoy me. Which I find difficult to admit, or somehow I’m ashamed by it, because she’s my sister. She’s fighting hard for a place in the world too.

But somehow, she takes a lot of energy, she’s a very present person, makes a lot of noise. She is also very direct and strong, especially verbally. She also doesn’t have any money, and does whatever fits her. She doesn’t really think about others. Last week, I couldn’t sleep in the evening because i heard her watching movies late at night, and early in the morning I woke because she was jumping and exercising in her room, waking me up. She eats food without thinking someone maybe has to go to work or maybe someone planned something with that. She doesn’t really ask, she just takes and eats it in her room. Doesn’t really eat together or plan to cook for everyone, just for her, whenever she wants to.

I don’t know why it’s so annoying to me – she needs to eat too and do her things.  But the way she behaves, without ever showing something back, is maybe what annoys me te most. Or that I always have to ask or say, that she never sees it herself. For me it’s so logical to realize there are others too and they have needs, but for her, she doesn’t seem to think about it and does whatever comes to her mind without thinking of the others. Is that my failure?

For example, I bought a special chocolate, also for my parents/for everyone. But what happens? She takes the bar,stores in in her room, and  eats it all. To me that is selfish and rude. I can’t understand that. She will not buy a new one. She always asks about this and that, but never goes buy something herself.  There are more ‘little’ things like that, but I’m too tired of it to type them out. I am too tired. And if I say something about it, my mom gets mad too. Whatever. I don’t want to fight about it, but sometimes it’s really pissing me off, like last week, when she ate all the bread and didn’t put a new bread out of the freezer, so I ended up going to work with no bread. No big deal if it happens once, but there’s too much all the time with her, I really can not ‘take it in’ anymore. seems like my limits crossed and since that they’re always crossed. I wish I could stop this, or that it would not annoy me.

It seems that she kind of agreed with my mom that the upcoming time she will stay here and eat here without paying anything. Without paying is fine, but just ……….blegh. It’s fine, and it’s not. But maybe it’s me.

My (last living) grandma, who lives close, isn’t so well lately. The mixed feelings I have make it difficult. things that happened in the past, and that she is so dependent in certain ways. If my mom wouldn’t be here, we wouldn’t be in touch ( in my moms culture family is very important). My dad would never have seen his parents again. They didn’t treat my mom and dad so well in the past, and they did things that are not so cool. Now my mom is the one who arranges everything that is needed, and she seems very dependent on my mom, who already has enough to do, and, lost her own mom earlier this year. I do things or try to do things too for her, because I don’t want my mom to do everything. My grandma’s own daughter ( my aunt – i never see) doesn’t. My dad, doesnt. I can’t explain it any better right now, but I’m sick of the whole situation. The conflicts I have with myself – what is right, if things aren’t right.

It isn’t right, but not doing anything doesn’t feel right neither.

It makes me sad. It never changes. It never does, and I can’t do or say anything about it.

It’s a trap, where you can’t get out. Where I can’t get out. I don’t know what are the right things to do. I am doubting myself. Am I wrong? Am I having wrong views of the world, of how things should be? I have no right to speak, because I still live at home, I can’t be completely indepentent, I guess. I feel bad about myself too, that I’m mixed up in these conflicts, and I can’t decide and make up my mind.

I’m fine, and I’m not.

What is there left to say?

Inside of me, there is so much I want to say, but when I try to start , nothing comes out.

Nothing new really.

Things are kind of the same.

Work is going along, but it’s for a change less busy. It must be of the holiday time. It’s nice not to be under the time pressure and stress anymore though, but it’s such a big change compared to so short ago. But that’s the same with a volcano outburst can be; one day it’s like it’s not active at all, the other day it explodes.

My love came to see me for almost two weeks. We spend a very nice time together – everything is less numb when she’s around. Things just seem to change, somehow. I feel like going to places, doing things. When she’s gone, like now, all that fades away. It’s really weird how fast things can change.

Even though the last few weeks were pretty full of activities – work, spending time with my love, we went to an interactive museum, visited a submarine, went out for dinner, went out for playing pool and such , and I visited my friend and we cooked and we went out to a sushi place (but I don’t like raw fish so I eat other things) , which were all pretty nice events- everything starts to be numb and meaningless again. My love has left again, and is far away again.

I’m glad I work 5 days this week, because I need a distraction. (I’m lucky to have 5 days planned: Because it’s not so busy, a lot of colleages got less, like 2 or 3 days). But what if the week after I work just 2 days? Then there’s so much time….and my parents will be here again, back from their holidays.(Which means: adapt again).

I’m in a huge doubt whether to or not to move and live on my own. Well, on my own – could be with flatmates or something like that too. Because when lookingat the prices, seriously, I do not understand how people can pay everything. A simple room is a week of my salary – ( a fulltime one). A flat a two weeks salary (a fulltime one). What if I don’t get enough hours, how would I pay things? The risk is too high. (But at the same time, I know the decisions I make are 90% rational and ‘safe’). Do I see it wrong?

It looks nice to have a place for myself, but; then I can’t save money anymore (I’m saving again for moving abroad, holidays, renewing my stuff, going to my love and paying off my debt (university). Maybe it’s wiser to wait. To bear everything, save as much as I can, save for my move abroad, invest in a language course, pay off my student debt.

I don’t know. Making rational decisions should be easy, but it’s not. Making decisions on feelings, I don’t know, it should be more difficult. But I don’t feel what to do. I don’t know – there are too much perspectives, so I guess that is all rational and not based on emotions.

Life turned into a dull void again. The beautiful things, and things that seem to move me are out of reach again. And so it continues …

Harmless assassin

Have you ever met

the emptiness that’s just behind the corner

or on the wall?

where the emtpy plates and unwashed spoons leave

their sorrow in the light

 

a lightswitch is lying meaningless on the floor

the dust appeared not only in the corners but came along

its way and even on the stairs

 

and then, this spider walking in this

big world where

nothing can be seen.

And all you can do is ask yourself;

Is this true?

Behind the pine trees

IMG_0965

It’s an early morning, and I wake up around 6am. You’re still asleep. I watch you for a while, but since I know I move a lot, I get out of bed, because I don’t want to wake you up.

I walk through this little house, that we have for a week. I don’t know why it was so difficult to book, because it was the best thing to do.It’s probably the spending of money. The sun shines and I open the window. A nice scent of pine trees comes inside. I take a deep breathe, and breathe in again. How lovely – the sound of the wind, the scent of the pine trees, the sun, and we are together. What could I wish for more?

Behind these pine trees, is our little place. It’s not really ours, but for now it is. I dream, that we can have a place like this in real. How nice would that be. You and me, our own little house, the trees, the sun, the sky. The animals surrounding and visiting now and then. We have breakfast together and talk. We hug.

My thoughts go back to my dark years. Years I spend mostly alone, because the only thing that I thought people would bring was hurt. There was no one to trust but yourself. No one to rely on but yourself. No one to help you, but yourself. Life was about working hard to earn little money to be able to rent a room and finish this study, who seemed to give you a bright future (that never came).

Now, my dark years seem to be mostly a part of the past (I hope). I realize that not this money or this bright future (that is not there) nor this job isn’t what I was looking for. It’s not what I need.

The lonely person, the distant person, me. Yeah, I need people around me. People who make me feel good. Who I love. Who care. Who I can talk with. With who I can sit on the couch for hours and not saying a world, and still feel good.

I found one. And that one is you, person-I-love-very-much.  And I’m sad, because we’re away from each other. I’m sad, because our worlds are so far. I’m sad, because I don’t seem to have the guts to break lose from the prison I seem to be in now.

For what? For this job? That makes me exhausted but gives me opportunities to save. But it’s just temporary. Do I love this job so much it’s more important then you? That it’s more important to be with you? SHould I leave my job and go now? Should I wait? Should I work for a bit longer and then leave? How can you know what to do?

How do people make these choices in life? They seem so impossible. So impossible.

When someone….dies

Yesterday, just before midnight, my phone rang. I don’t know why, but when I saw that, and the name of the person who called me, I knew something was wrong. Though I didn’t expect the actual message she told me,the first things that crossed my mind were a break in a relationship, healthproblems, or she got stuck with the car or maybe something was wrong with someone who has heart issues.

But non of those things were true. With what she told me, I was shocked. One of our friends died. (well, honestly I’m confused IF I can call her a friend of mine, it’s not that we were superclose (the friend who called me was close) , but we were in touch.)

She died of cerebral hemorrhage. They found her on the couch in her home, she was already cold. And she was just 28.

She leaves a child behind. She didn’t had a great life, it was full of difficulties and just recently she got a house where she felt good, on a place where she felt good. She was a very strong woman, that kept going and smiling, even with all these difficulties.

And now? Now she’s gone. Just like that.

It’s so hard to grasp. I was shaking all over for an hour or 2. I didn’t sleep so well, needless to say. In my head, I imagine how things went, where she is now,  if she felt anything. My friend told me she had headaches since a couple of days and took aspirine for that and suddenly this.

Now, I’m sitting here and I don’t know what to do. How do you act when someone dies? What do you do? What do you say?

I don’t know what to think about it or what to do. All I know is that it is so weird, and  how life can be suddenly over. Boom. Just like that.