upside down

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It rains out of this heart,

and little pieces, fall and fall and fall

into and endless black hole pool

The stars can’t do nothing but observe

and like the moon can be upside down,

heart has a different view on the world now,

and flips upside down,

opens the gate

and floods

piece by piece

by piece.

 

Waiting at a stop where nothing comes.

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Waiting. Waiting at a stop, but a stop for what? Nothing is coming. No train. No bus. No subway. Nothing. Grass is growing, because nobody ever walks here. Empty trash bin. Forgotten stop. Nothing ever happens. This is the world of stuck. The world of emptiness. The world of apathy. I want to move. I want to change. And all I do is wait at a stop where nothing ever comes. I need to move myself. Why can’t I move myself? Why do the days pass by and nothing happens? Why can’t I get myself to change. Why don’t I dare to act? Is it about dare? Why do I don’t act? I want a better life. Yet, I don’t do anything. I wait. I look into a future, but I don’t act for getting closer. et cetera. et cetera. et cetera.

Planetary Nebula

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a6/NGC_6326_by_Hubble_Space_Telescope.jpghttps://i0.wp.com/upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a6/NGC_6326_by_Hubble_Space_Telescope.jpg

This is what happens when a star –much like our sun- dies. It’s a * Planetary Nebula* seen on its side from earth. Sadly, we can’t fly around it; It’s too far away and far too big.

If we could fly around it though, you would discover that this thing has the shape of a Big Fat Donut. When a star dies, it swells up to a huge size and throws away its outermost layers. The huge cloud you see here, is that thrown away stuff. Right in the middle lies the remaining core of the dying star. The core is hefty enough to illuminate the whole spectacle. It looks like an aggressive explosion, and that’s exactly what is it.

But it is so huge, that you wouldn’t see any movement in it, even if you kept staring for the rest of your life.

 

(the text (nor is the picture) isn’t originally mine, I found a piece of paper where it was printed on. I have no idea who wrote it or where it exactly  comes from, but I thought it is beautiful)

Can’t wait for you to come

cantwait

It’s coming close, counting down the days

I can see myself, driving to the airport, standing at the airport, waiting for you.
I can see you coming out of the plane, waiting for your luggage, stepping through the door

I can imagine me, the thoughts in my head, the feelings in my heart                                       I can imagine you, the smile on your face, the look in your eyes. I can see you , I can see me.

And I can’t wait untill you are here.

 

 

In_visible

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So many people, but too many to see me.

Though I’m there, and I’m here, or something in between

not really where I want to be.

out of nothing attacks of fear,

and as being blind and being able to see.

and everything is a mess, and everything is clear.

 

Heartbeat – beating, beating – feeling the movements too well

I am here, but frozen, – turned into a statue

And I feel paralysed for a while, but there is no way I can tell

the world around is sometimes so frightening

that I feel trapped inside a spell.

Autumn storm

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Since a couple of days, the weather really suits autumn; storm, lots of rain. Outside it’s dark and grey with streets covered in the yellowbrownorange sea of colored leaves. I’m lying in my bed and look out of the window; the branches of this pine tree are waving  and a few minutes ago a little bird was hopping through the tree, perhaps looking for a shelter.

I read some pages of the book “South of the border, west of the sun” by Haruki Murakami. A book I’ve read before, like all the works of Murakami, but it has been a while and this is the perfect situation for reading his books.

“But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair’.

(random quote from what I read today)

Last week, I found out that one friend had died. I remember the phonecall. Remember how I shaked for two hours. All the other things, that happened. A week has passed now, and what has changed and what has happened more? After the funeral, I went home again and that’s where I still am. I rarely left the house, just for groceries actually. Yesterdaymorning and this morning I went out for a walk through the stormy weather and the rain. No one around, everyone seems to want to stay inside – perfect. I’m happy that I have a good jacket for circumstances like this.

Last few days I also talked a lot with i-love-very-much-far-away-friend. I still cannot believe the impact she has and had on me. That –even if it seems far away and almost invisible right now, because it’s too long and too far away from me- I felt happiness. After a long time of emptiness. It is still hard to understand, but I’m happy she is part of the world. And now? I’m sitting here in the eye of a storm. Trapped. Inside a tornado, and you have no idea where it goes and you can’t step out of it. You can see the dreams flying around you, but they fly too far and high and fast to grasp. How do you know what the moment is to step into this tornado? I live, in the eye of a storm. Sitting and waiting, seeing and observing, but never going on the ride ittself. That is what is wrong with me. Waiting for movement, but I need to make the movement myself.