A bit out of the comfort zone

Last week, I did an unexpected application, quick and officially the opening was closed, but still on, but I still sent the application in. I was surprised that they did call me, and I had an interview today. For this other job.

This morning I went to my current job first , where I have to build up hours again, but I felt terrible. I was so so tired when I left there. Drained, and I just spend 2 hours there. things will never be okay again there.

I came home and went not very well prepared to the job interview (part of the plan, actually, to keep things stress-free). I am really not sure how it went. I asked lots of questions, but I’m not sure how well I answerd the questions about me and my skills. After, I thought I should have done things differently or should have said this and that, but it was already to late. I said what I said and I did what I did, I can’t change it now.

They will inform tomorrow, so I will know soon if I make a chance or not. But I really, really don’t know how I feel about this job. It could be nice, but I honestly don’t know. It’s hard to see that. I don’t know if that is the depression talking or that it’s just not a job for me.

So as I try to also see some positive things in what happens – Yeah, I felt bad today. But I went to work, I went to the interview and whatever happens, I did these things (and especially interviews and stuff like that are out of my comfort zone), I cooked and I ate strawberries. I slept too , but thats okay sometimes when  you feel miserable right?

I don’t know if it’s positive what I wrote, because I want to try to make positive posts too sometimes,  I hope it is, because this is the best I can do right now.

 

 

Doomed to live

Some time ago, one of my friends recommended this series on Netflix to me – Gomorra: La serie – an Italian crime drama series. Thanks to watching this series, I ‘discovered’ this music by this band Mokadelic.  Especially one of their songs is one that kind of resonated with me : Doomed to live.

Doomed to live. That’s exactly how I feel sometimes.

I don’t seem good enough to make a decent life. I’m not bad enough to have a very miserable life. I’m not even good or bad enough to be in between. I’m not good enough to make it in this world and keep things spinning, and not bad enough to be really sick or disfunctioning or whatever you call it.

I’m not even in the middle. Somewhere that falls everywhere in between.
I didn’t choose this. I didn’t choose life. Nor did I choose death.

I am just stuck, and doomed to live. Because I’m here. Because I’m there.

That’s what it is. Doomed to live.

That, was that.

I went to the office today and had a talk with my manager and the job agency aka my official employer. I felt superstressed and nauseaus before going there, really had a knot in my stomach. The talk was okay – there is a plan now, which means I’m going back to work from monday and I start with two hours a day.

I also said that I don’t want my contract to be renewed. I think my manager was a bit surprised.  But now everyone knows my contract will end somewhere end of July. So whatever happens, I will not stay in my current job.

So far that, and that was that.

This is the beginning of an end. I don’t know where it will go – it felt difficult, but in my heart I know this is the right decision.

And that was the doctor..

Today I had an appointment with this doctor that is hired by the job agency. He’s the only one who is allowed to give advice. I found him a bit quick somehow, like I expected to tell more in detail what caused all of this, but he seemed only interested in the essentials/basics. This part made me a bit unhappy. But he found it ‘legitimate’ that I called in sick. So that is the good part , I guess. But I found it pretty superficially – the whole thing. I was not sure what to expect but I thought it would go a bit ‘deeper’. Causes, real examples, stuff like that.  Maybe a wrong expectation.

He said he thinks it’s being overworked, and he wants me to start working again slowly. But that I can’t do anything stressful and I need structure. He will put that in his advice. And I kind of have to follow that. Starting with two hours a day and slowly building up. I have to go see him in six weeks. If things do not go better or did not change, he will refer me to some special psychologists that are also hired by my employer. Tomorrow I will call the ‘sickservice’ to see with them how we do this.

I don’t know if I’m happy or not. I’m afraid nothing will change at work anyway. I don’t see how this can get better, but maybe that is my depressed view at things.

I feel depressed today. Like, really depressed. I just hope tomorrow is better.

 

(trying to ) find a little peace

I don’t know if anxiety and depression are attacking me right now, but I am afraid to lose my mind or go insane sometimes. I feel all these sensations in my body, I have a headache, feeling a bit dizzy, and usually that puts me in a state of emergency, without even being logical. Also, I haven’t had my period in like 2 months now (No, I can’t be pregnant) and I feel my body is a bit disturbed. I also feel like I’ve gained weight somehow, but I don’t really eat different or worse than before. Maybe I’m wrong, I can’t see it so clearly somehow. It bothers me and I would like to finally change all of this, yet that task seems so hard. And all I ever do is try. I would just like to have control over it, which I don’t seem to have. I guess maybe I would have to admit that I’m a big controlfreak, actually.

But I try to focus on positive things. So I will try to make a positive post again. Spring is coming, the weather becomes more pleasant. I’m going out of the house for walks again (even if they are small, they are still walks). I try to be in touch with people, yesterday I visited my best friend, we cooked a vegan lasagna (she started to eat vegan a while ago due several reasons, but health in the first place). It turned out really good, but right after I went home because  I was soo tired that I left early and went to sleep early with a massive headache.

I scored a few plants for my balcony: strawberries, a lavender tree, and I’m trying to grow carrots and beetroot. I like the quietness of my balcony and the life that is going on there: the birds, the trees, the blossoms starting to come out finally. The left is a tree with a lot of birdlife, it’s like a flat housing all types of birds. It’s nice too watch how life is going there. And the right are a few of my new strawberry plants. And a beautiful sky, though you can’t really see that well on the picture. I like evenings on my balcony – the sky is sometimes just so beautiful.

 

Trying something new

So far, in all these years of my life and its usual issues like depression, I sticked to the common things as medication, psychologists, psychiatrists and nurses and stuff like that. I don’t think or expect ever to get rid of it, but as time goes by and it keeps coming back,  I’m sometimes tired of everything.

Not long ago I came across a book (What Doesn’t Kill Us: How Freezing Water, Extreme Altitude and Environmental Conditioning will Renew our Lost Evolutionary Strength by Scott Carney). I found it interesting so I bought the book and started reading it.

Because of this, my previous experiences with outdoor & survival trips I did myself (similar principles I would say, it’s not the same but has similarities) and reading stuff about this Dutch guy Wim Hof (also known as the iceman) and his method I thought this would be worth a try. Basically it’s based on three pillars: Cold, Breathing and Commitment. I’m not going to explain this very much here, it’s better to read it on the website because all the info is there and I’m just a beginnner and newbie in all of it.

I’ve been reading about people using this method for physical and mental health improving and it’s just interesting so I thought I could try some of it myself and test it.

So far I did very less of the breathing, but started with cold showers (or end showers cold, I should say).  I don’t know yet if I can really say or notice changes yet, I just try to test it. And after a while I’ll try to give an update about it.

Also, I started to train a little bit with my recently bought indoboard, to train my balance. That is way easier said than done. I struggle with my balance and I don’t seem to have a lot of strenght in my legs if I have to believe the instructionposter. But I’m trying, to improve stuff. I’m just trying….

Overwhelming sadness

Brick by brick. It falls apart. Brick by brick. Falls apart.

Repairing.

bricks

I did not draw for a long time. But what I drew, long ago, seems to be still accurate.

Maybe I never changed. Maybe I didn’t make any progress for a long, long time.

Maybe I never made any progress, and all I seem to do, is picking up the pieces that have been falling apart, pick them up together, rebuild it, and then the same story continues.

It falls apart. I repair it. It falls apart. I pick it up. It falls apart. And so on.

About being lonely.

There seems to be something with loneliness. Somehow being lonely seems te be your own fault. You don’t go out enough. You don’t do enough activities. You don’t try enough. You don’t participate enough. You have to meet people more. You have to go out more. You have to do this, and that. And so on. And on.

But what if that is all something you can not manage?

That ordinary life, just doing the basic things, eating, sleeping, washing, maintaining your house or flat, your job, the groceries, making payments, figure out your insurances and how ‘things’ work , and nothing special outside of that, what if that is all you seem to manage?

What if you do visit people sometimes, but you still feel lonely?
What if you try things sometimes but they don’t give you an energy boost or make you happy?

What if you can’t keep up with things because you feel empty, numb, and nothing seems to matter?

What if  you try to do all the things to avoid depression, but it still doesn’t work enough?

Do you blame yourself? Are you not trying hard enough? To find an environment where you feel better? What if you don’t have the resources to try and to try and to try?

I just don’t ..

 

A positive post: my new house.

I will try to write positive posts too. A nurse I see sometimes about my ‘issues’, said that is important. So I’ll give it a try.

A month ago, I moved into a new flat. In this city is hard to find something affordable and I consider myself really lucky with this new place. It’s  much better place than my previous studio. For almost the same price I have twice as much space (around 55m2), but that’s not the most important: Now I have a seperate bedroom AND a balcony!The location is also a big plus: more quiet and just nicer.

I can even have visitors now, even people who sleep over, because I have a couch that can transform in a bed. Not that I have that often, but it does make me a bit happy that it’s possible.

Behind my house there are trees and bushes what is lovely, and it’s full of life with so many birds. They visit my balcony often since I hung a ‘peanutbutterhouse’ (a birdhouse with a jar of peanutbutter – they love it). Soon I’ll remove that because baby-birds can not have that sticky peanutbutter, but in the winter it’s the birds favourite together with sunflowerseeds.

Behind my flat/balcony, and behind the green is a railway yard.
I like my view. And I love that I have a little outside.

What I also like a lot, is that I can finally have plants!  Creating a little jungle in my living room. I’ve been reading the NASA Clean Air study and nature helps for depression, so I would like to create a little jungle inside of my house. To have a nice environment. Because that is finally possible here. I also would like to grow a few things on my balcony. Some of my current little green machines:

 

Trying to figure things out (again and again)

Lately I still have a lot of trouble to write, but I’m trying. Trying to clear things up for myself and trying to get out of this negative atmosphere, because depression is attacking me again. It’s like fighting a battle with an invisible enemy; it’s always lurking around, but you never know when it’s going to strike. You can’t really prepare, because it gets you in unexpected moments. It has been like that for a while. And maybe, when I’m honest, and if I see things right, my life has actually been like that for the last 15 years. Maybe more.

Right now I’ve been three weeks at home from work, and honestly? I don’t really mind. I don’t miss work. And I am not even sure if I even want to go back. But I find it hard to ‘calm down’ and relax.In 1,5 week I have to see a doctor about this. I have no clue what the outcome will be. He or she seems to be the only one who is allowed to give any decent advice.

The last few weeks I’m going a bit up and down, from neutral to down to okayish to down and back and forth. Sometimes I get grumpy for no good reason, and sometimes I have this weird ‘everything is too much’ in my head that really gives me insane behaviour and I walk around like crazy and have these weird sensations in my body. This is something I find superhard to control. Overall, I’m just tired and I tend to sleep all the time, but I don’t allow myself. I know it’s no good.

But there are a few things I want to change. Like a long time, I want to change. But I don’t really succeed. At least never for long. I don’t know why, but I seem to have a big big lack of motivation, of willpower. I just don’t understand how other people can keep up with things.

I have to figure out what I want. What my qualities are, and what kind of job would suit me or what I would like. Now that doesn’t sound so difficult, but it is. I don’t really know.

A couple of weeks ago I got myself an indoboard to train my balance, which I try to do regularly but it is still hard for me. I hope I can keep this up. My balance is not so great. Also, a couple of days ago I was at my parents house and they have a scale. I know I’m a bit on the heavy side, but I don’t have a scale and I don’t want to feel worse about myself so I never check. But I couldn’t help myself and weighed myself. Oops.  It has never been so high. This is bad. Like yeah, not good at all. I should at least lose 20 kilo’s. But I can’t really seem to lose weight. Like I have a hard time to let things go, my body also seems not really to be able to ‘let go’.

I have quit Jiu Jitsu a while ago. It was too difficult to make it all the time to get there (thanks to work a bit as well) and I’ve been feeling soooo disconnected from the others and making no progress, that it was too much frustration for me. I hadn’t been there in ages so I decided to stop, because I was paying for more than 6 months without having been there. It took a while but I finally managed to quit it officially.

Last week I bought a suspension trainer to hope to start a regular exercise and get my body in shape. So I have an option to train inside at home too. Still have to figure out how to attach it. Anyway, I just hope I will manage something. Because way back, I used to practise a lot of sports and it just feels so much better to be in shape. But to get there, seems like an almost impossible thing. I’m so tired, and so not in shape.

So far my inside thoughts. I will try to write something positive next time.