The hibernation

p5

All I want is sleep. All I feel is tired.

Again ,I have a hard time dealing with work. Working 8 hours a day is a no go, so I managed to reduce that to 6. But again, that seems too much. I’ve been feeling sick last week, but now I’m not sick enough to stay in sick, and not well enough to work.

After a few hours, and not even being superbusy, I’m broken. I come home, collapse on the couch and that’s where you’ll find me the rest of the time. (Thank you universe or whatever it is, for my love existing, being here and being with me: she makes sure I’ll get healthy food.)

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I know that I am tired and I can sleep all the time. I do not even feel particularly bad or something. I’m just tired, and I don’t know why.

I don’t think I feel very depressed (yeah, I am always a bit empty and neutral: dysthymia) but is that the reason? I really don’t know. Is it the weather? Is it winter coming? Somehow I can not see any patterns in the depressions I have, and I don’t think it’s more present that usual, because it definitely has been worse. I take extra vitamins, and I watch the food I eat, and my love takes care of that too. But still, not much change.

I’m awake, but too tired to do something really. No energy. Sometimes I sleep, but when I’m awake I’m not sleepy enough to sleep. And now, all I want is to be in hibernation-mode.

I called in sick last week, but I went to work today. And now I feel exhausted. I slept two hours after I came home, and all I do is lie on the couch or in bed. And I want to sleep again.

Sleep, sleep, sleep. Really, I wish the world allowed hibernation for humans too. I guess I need it now.

And I feel guilty, because I can’t keep up with work, not even with less hours. While I don’t have ‘a good reason that I can explain’.¬† It shouldn’t matter, but yeah. I’ll go to the doctor this week. But meh, I just don’t know.

 

ps. This drawing is re-used, from the time when I talked about my life as couch potato in cartoon version.I’ve been running out of inspiration and pictures, so I’ll re-use them until I find the spirit back to get some new ones.

Advertisements

the invisible fight

IMG_4179

Sometimes you are just sad
and everything is too much
nothing can reach you anymore
because it’s simply too far
too distant.

 

You want to believe
And you want to feel
and find peace
but it’s too painful
it’s too tiring
and you’re just too exhausted

and sometimes it just
doesn’t matter
what you do
or what you try
too much is just
too much

It’s all or nothing.

It really seems like life is that way sometimes; or no job at all, or more work than you wish for. No job, nothing to find, no money, stuck – you have nothing, nothing happens, nothing is the main word. A job? Then it’s all. not parttime, no, fulltime. You have to run around like crazy, be there, take all, you have work, you have everything, you have money to get by.

There’s no break. No in between. No middle. You can’t work half. Live half. Get by half.
It’s all, or nothing.

IMG_0531

Work has been incredible exhausting. Well, it still is. 48,5 hours this week. I’m tired. One day off now. Then another very busy week is coming up with long, exhausting days. It takes time for my head to stop thinking and processing information. This job is taking a lot from me (and I guess from my colleagues too). I don’t know how everyone keeps¬† standing, and going, but I really have a hard time .

Every weekend so far, one of the days I spend lying down and sleeping, because I was completely wrecked. Too tired. The second day it goes okay, and then the circus starts again. This week , now, I just have one day ‘weekend’. I woke up in the middle of the night (yikes, did I send that email, did I do that or not?). I had to drag myself. Work was like glue – being sticked to the carpet and trying to move. Sticky sticky sticky.

But: moving forward. Go Go Go.

I don’t know if it’s me being weak, but I have such a hard time to hang on to this. I dont get it how people can do ‘fun things’ next to a job like this. I dont feel like talking to anyone anymore, or doing anything or going anywhere – I’m simply too tired and all I think of is rest and sleep.

Is this the aftermath of the pulmonary embolism? Is this just ‘getting older’? Or am I just weak? Who shall say. All I know is that I can not manage to live a life like this for a long time.

I just can’t hold on to that.

And how

And so

many

questions

 

And I realize, in other parts of the world, there are people, for who 48 hours a week is nothing. Who work harder. Who live crappier. And I’m being weak and moaning about my situation. Its all about perspective. It’s all about feeling trapped and deciding.

AM I trapped? No.

Yes, at the same time.

The world is full of paradoxes.
The world is full of invisible prisons.

And yet, full of chances and choices.

My head’s spinning again, and I can’t make sense of it. Tornado alarm. But the good thing is: that means frozen. Willstayintheposition and notmakingchoices.

Ugh.

Tear.drop.

270120155227

It has been searching its way,

It has been trying so hard,

but everytime with every new road,

it fell.

It has questioned itsself,

It has challenged itsself,

but only rarely, it moved forward.

Sometimes, it’s tired,

and all it can do,

is stay there for a while in agony

untill the storm passes

and slowly

get up again.

Today, my heart lets me down

Invisible tears are streaming down my face

My head hangs down

Depression doesn’t know any grace,

My heart aches and I’m so tired

where I also have let myself down next to all of that

and my body decided to have my soul fired.

(and yeah, it worked.)

 

How can I hang on? How can I hold on.

I don’t want to be here like this, I can not be here like this.

I am a stranger to the people I know

The people I know are strangers to me

Connections are broken,

and broken are the connections.

I wish I could hide my heart away

it is empty, it is lost

and showing signs of decay.