The ocean of the invisible

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Waves growing enormously
letting the buoy dance against its will
but look further ahead, because the moment of silence
is
where the storm refills

From the distance, or from the field of the eye
it could look like a big pool of emptiness, just crushing waves
where a life could easily die

underneath there is a whole world
one that seems so quiet and so calm
you would not even wonder

But that, is the eye of the storm.

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The tornado of pain

Going from neutral to low. From low to neutral. And down again to low. It’s tiring to have to make so much effort to stay neutral. I’m trying. Really. I try to follow the advice of my new psychologist – but it’s hard and I already forgot half of what she said.

That head of mine.

Sometimes I have these thoughts in my head, and they maybe make me sound insane, but I guess they are just there because I think I’m in pain.

Then I think I wish I would drink, or I would have been an alcoholic, because then I would drink until I would feel completely numb. Or I think that if I would have been a user of drugs, I would take so much I would be completely out of this world. Sometimes I do wonder how it feels to take cocaine, or heroin, or stuff like that. If it really feels so good that you can’t resist it. Because honestly, I can not imagine that something feels so good that you want nothing else anymore. I can’t imagine that exists. At least not right now.

But I’m none of those. So it will not happen. And I  guess I just have these thoughts because I’m in pain. Or I think I am, but I don’t really know why.

 

 

But I guess I’ll do what the nurse and the new psychologist both said. The nurse said it several times even, also stating she’s not particularly fond of medication. But they both told me they thought it would be good for me to go in for medication. So I made an appointment at the doctor, to ask for an antidepressant.

It’s not that I’m totally against it, but there is a huge block for me. Because last time I was on this stuff and due some circumstances I had to stop at once, there was no help. Nor the hospital nor the mental health service was there. They would just point at each other.  I was completely on my own. And I promised myself that would never happen again. Because it is so horrible. I never want to go through that again.

So I feel a bit stuck. Stuck to not have it. Stuck to have to get it again and taking the risk of something I never want to happen again.

 

 

 

The Circus of Loneliness

The last week or so, I’m really feeling this weight pulling me down. I feel the depressed side of me,  and I try to work it out but this side and the other,  don’t seem to agree.

Since a week or so, I have a bit of trouble to sleep, I don’t want to eat anymore and I avoid cooking. I try to eat with others all the time, but end up eating frozen-meals (of course heated in the end) or pizza or something quick if that doesn’t work out. I go to the grocery store but messed up, like I’m not my usual self, sometimes I feel like I’m not real, I’m not the aware person I usually am. I feel like zombie.

I feel the emptiness in my life lurking around the corner. I reach the point where there is nothing to do, where nothing seems to matter. I know this is where a drop can start.

I’m trying to keep a bit busy, and find things to do. I clean the house, try to get rid of unneccesary stuff that is just in the way, move, go outside, see people sometimes, and I booked a flight to Corsica for October.

I always wanted to go to Corsica, so far I’ve never been. It will happen soon. I look forward to it I think, and yet it’s this bleak thing that will happen appearantly. I don’t really feel it. Or I do, but my feelings seem to be washen away a bit, like a jeans that is bleached. I don’t know. It’s a bit weird, not really nice.

Corsica is also home of the GR20, a hiking trails.  A part of that hiking trail, is called the Cirque de la Solitude, which means like the circus of loneliness. This name really attracts me, but this part of the trail is closed due to an accident a couple of years ago where more people died in bad weather circumstances.So I will not see it, nor go there, but I am really wondering about this place.

Last week I went to see a ‘new’ psychologist. The nurse I see sometimes got me a referral, because she will stop working at my doctors place and thinks I need more help. Probably I have to change again, because something changed in health insurance and in fact health insurance decides where you can go or not. But so far I could stay at this new psychologist, who I will see again in two weeks. I really don’t knwo what to think about it. I keep falling down. Crashing,crawling up, and it continues like this.

Anyway, I don’t know what to think about everything. I don’t believe I will ever get rid of all of this. I am too well to be sick, and too sick to be well.

I’m stuck, in my own cirque de la solitude.

Another part of struggling.

Today I feel incredibly sad, without even knowing exactly why. I feel so much emptiness, I feel like I have rarely been so hollow inside, I’m a zombie and my heart is a deep black hole full of hurt.

At work, since I’ve started again, I mostly sit alone, seperated from my colleagues. I can’t bring myself to sit with anyone. They are nice, but being close to them seems to difficult to me. So I just hide alone in a corner of the office.

I know I am the only one who can change this.

Today I had to go to my manager for a talk. Like how things are going and stuff. I really did not look forward to it, I don’t feel like talking to anyone. But I could not really not go.

It was not such a nice talk. I said honestly that I don’t know how I am, that I just try to do my work and that’s it – nothing else. I said that I am unhappy, that I don’t feel good here. She said something back like that it’s also in my range to change things – I know, I seperate myself from the rest, I appearantly decide to hide from everyone. I just can’t do things differently.

I think I must have looked superdepressed. Which is actually how I felt at the moment.

She asked questions, about future plans, about if I’m trying to find another job. I said I don’t know. I am looking, but not doing anything. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how my life is in 2 months. I just feel lost. I don’t feel like I can really do anything. I’m not something very specific. It would have been easier maybe when I would be a painter or something specific, but I’m just a something together from some random stuff.

I said I find life difficult. That I don’t see it. How to work hard and not achieve anything, no stability and stuff. That it doesn’t work out, for me.

I came home feeling supersad. I tried to sleep, without succes. Outside the sun shines, but inside of me it just feels like one big battlefield where a war was and left a big darkness.

Yeah, I know it will pass. I know it’s probably just a bad day. It just feels so awful. And I realize I do this myself to, with hiding, with withdrawing, with being in this isolation.

But I just don’t have the energy. I just can not do otherwise right now.

Doomed to live

Some time ago, one of my friends recommended this series on Netflix to me – Gomorra: La serie – an Italian crime drama series. Thanks to watching this series, I ‘discovered’ this music by this band Mokadelic.  Especially one of their songs is one that kind of resonated with me : Doomed to live.

Doomed to live. That’s exactly how I feel sometimes.

I don’t seem good enough to make a decent life. I’m not bad enough to have a very miserable life. I’m not even good or bad enough to be in between. I’m not good enough to make it in this world and keep things spinning, and not bad enough to be really sick or disfunctioning or whatever you call it.

I’m not even in the middle. Somewhere that falls everywhere in between.
I didn’t choose this. I didn’t choose life. Nor did I choose death.

I am just stuck, and doomed to live. Because I’m here. Because I’m there.

That’s what it is. Doomed to live.

Hollow

How can autumn be full of leaves

When trees abandoned their little wings so

abruptly

And how can summer be with warmth,

When this thing, called the sun, is burning like hell

How can spring be so full of life,

When growth is blocked by predators,

How can winter not be so bleak

Grey skies, the endless cold

but it’s not winter

so it can’t be bleak

and yet here I am

full of emptiness

a complete filled void

 

The vertigo-shut down

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So. Here I am, again. Not that anyone really missed me. I’m talking into a big, wide world where the words I use, dissapear into nothingness. They flow to the end of the street, into the darkness. They dissapear around the corner, and I stay behind staring at the lights, and empty street and the corner where the words just went.

-Okay, that’s not completely true – but that is how things feel.-

Since the beginning of August I’ve been dealing with some health issues -starting with vertigo. I was so lucky to get struck by things thing called vestibular neuronitis, also goes by neuritis or labyrinthis. I’ve been really ‘out’ of things thanks to this thing that made functioning a bit ‘normal’ impossible.

I had a panic attack which made me feel ashamed of myself. My body charges to ’tilt’ sometimes when I feel things im my body that are ‘not good’, thanks to my pulmonary embolism-experience in the past. I know it, and still it is so hard to fight.

On top of that I also had some kind of allergy crisis that is still going on. I have some nosespray for it and it goes better slowly, but my health is something that worries me a bit lately. The doctor things stress plays a big part. Which could be true, though I’m trying to keep that down.

I had to shorten my holidays because of it, and even though I didn’t really have money for holidays I went to France to meet again with love. I was lucky to be a few days in the mountains again. I feel different in the mountains. I am more happy there.

Now, I’m back in the city. In my job that could be slowly killing me. I’ve been saying so long that I need to find another job. And yet I keep failing. I started working on my resume, but so far there is nothing else to mention. I am just slow, I guess.

I have very less shifts at work, because of cuts I get very less hours. Which just pays all the bills, but nothing more. It worries me a bit, and I try not to worry.

I’m in doubts wheter to start Jiu Jitsu again, because I haven’t gone there for almost 6 months now and I don’t know where my motivation is, but it seems gone. It’s just empty, neutral, ‘i dont know and i dont care’.

So yeah, here I’m sitting. I don’t know and I don’t care.

But I try you know, I really try.

I just fail sometimes. Or mostly sometimes.But I try.