Working towards the ‘future’

Looking forward to the future is not something I’m very good at I guess. It’s a struggle to pass the days usually, so why look to much ahead? That only makes things more difficult, and it’s simply too far away.

Though somehow, I feel like I have to make a little plan this time. Because if the job I have now ends, I don’t want to fall in this big black hole I’ve been in before. I’m not really something, my study didn’t give me anything in particular and I’m not really very skilled or have some kind of talent that stands out. So if I want to make it in life, I have to do something. Plan something. Look ahead.

I already lost years of my life. I’ve never really lived a life like I wanted to. I always feel obligued to take care that others are okay, make sure they have their needs. Not mine. My life’s empty, so why bother? I’m not good in anything. I’m just a void; so it always felt like I had no right to turn life my way.

Also, I always thought I would not pass 30. But I did. And I’m still here.

But lately something is pushing from the inside of me, I guess. I’m still empty, for the biggest part. But I feel the need to start doing things. It’s a bit hard to explain, it’s a combination of anger, frustration, of disliking the person I am. I can’t live the life anymore that I’m in. It’s a prison, and it’s killing me.

One thing is already taking place: my move. I will probably have moved completely end of August. Another thing is a course I subscribed for. In september I will go to a survival course in Sweden. It gives me a lot of doubts, can I do this, will I be able to level with the people? How do I get there? Is this the right thing to do? Yet I need to learn these things. I want to know how to survive. I want to be able to survive when I’m completely on my own, when things fall away or when a war breaks out. With all the things going on in the world, you can never be sure enough.

I’m having a few more vague plans. I want to do more martial arts. Train myself. I hope to manage once I live in the city again. And go training next to work. We’ll see, I guess time will tell. For now, I still feel empty, but a floating emptiness.

 

Facing facts

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Last week, there was a lot of time to think. I had a hard time with work, since my jaw hurted pretty badly from my dental surgery. It still does, actually. Friday I really tried, but I had to call in sick during the afternoon. I just couldn’t stay there anymore.

Somehow I slept a lot during the week, 10 hours a day is nothing. I don’t know if that’s because of the tooth, of something else too. I feel that I tend to depression again, but I’m doing what I can.

Yet, I know I don’t do enough to stay healthy, active, strong. All I do is lie in bed, sit behind the computer, play Fable on my Xbox, read my new book about the Chernobyl disaster. I know I’m not moving enough, but somehow that is superhard to do, but I don’t get it.

I know I like exercise, I know I feel better, I know I’ll be in better shape, and what do I do? The complete opposite of what I should do! I noticed I gained weight and I feel heavy. I haven’t been to Jiu Jitsu training for 3 weeks now (there was a holidayweek, one evening I was too tired and late from work and last week I didn’t go because of my jaw/dental surgery). But Jiu Jitsu, is not enough. I need to extend my exercise.

  • I dont want to grow fat
  • I need to take care of my health
  • Its better to exercise more because I like to be active and I want to do things I need a good condition for
  • I would like to be in shape.

So WHY, am I not doing anything about that. Why?

Upcoming winter, I would like to go on ski holidays. I’ve been wanting this for over 10 years, yet I never went. I could never find anyone to go with me, and I was not brave enough to go by myself. This time I found someone. I will go with my love.

So I guess I should better go and take some lessons. I’m looking for them now. There are no mountains over here, so I will go to some indoor class. I guess I should do that. But I have no endurance, strenght or flexibility I guess – my body isn’t in shape at all. This is something I will have to do alone, since love is far away from me and I don’t know anyone else who would like to learn to ski or join me. So, something to work on. I know I can do it, but it’s a bit of a challenge.

I also wanted to follow French classes, to be able to speak in love’s country. To be able to have a change to find a job and work in that country, so we can live together one day. Yet all I did was listen and try some youtube videos. I looked for a course but it only starts in february, so I will have to wait before I sign up. This will be a challenge too, next to my job.

Oh about the job. My contract ends this week, but last week I learned that I will have an extention untill april 2016. That’s quite some time. I’m happy, but at the same time work will ask a lot from me, it will be busy, I will work fulltime (there’s not much chance to get less hours, you have to have a very good reason for it, like children or studying, and I don’t have this in their eyes).

I’m also pissed of with my job, because I wanted to go with Christmasholidays to my love. I asked off in August. It was somehow difficult to give an answer, so I asked if there was another option to go in November and work with Christmas holidays, but no reply. And now I got an answer, but all flights are :

  • superexpensive (3times normal price)
  • or with 3 stopovers so the travel takes up till 25 hours while just one flight of 1h30 minutes is enough to get there.

I didn’t book yet. I don’t know what to do. Money isnt everything, but I’m annoyed by this and I don’t want to have a 25h travel- too exhausting.

So far so good, that’s how my life is at the moment.

The good and the bad

It’s crazy, crazy busy at the moment. My job is so demanding and exhausting, it’s crazy. I sleep and work, and that’s all. I drive home way too tired, and drive back to work too tired as well. It’s busy as hell at work and I’m having trouble to get through the days. My head blocks at a certain moment and I have so much trouble to hang in.

The good thing is; a few days ago I learned that I can stay at my job! For at least the next 3 months, there will constantly be 3 months extentions, but that’s fine to me. I didn’t expect that I could stay, and I’m kind of happy because now I know I have work for a bit longer and there is something in my life that I seem to be able to do right. I also feel quite comfortable at work somehow and I can be myself somehow. I will be trained for other things, I don’t know for what yet, but I’m a bit curious about it.

Since two weeks I have some tongue fungus which is really disgusting. I went to see a doctor and got some stuff, but it didn’t help and now I have some new medication, with a lot of nasty side effects. I’m nauseous all the time, headaches and tired and I feel weak. It still doesn’t seem to get better and it worries me. * Do not use Doctor Google for everything*. I don’t know where this comes from but I do know it started shortly after I was ill and stayed home for a couple of days which I spend in bed. It’s not only my tongue – I feel it in the back of my throat. So I hope no other nasty infection is coming – I’m a bit worried this will block my outdoor training trip.

Next week I am supposed to go to a training abroad, but if I’m still not well like I am now, I’m not sure if I go or cancel. I do not want to get really sick. I’m still in doubt what to do.

Last but not least; Last week when I came out of work I found a very nice surprise. My love was here! She told me she was away for the weekend, and she couldn’t be on skype and such. But instead she hitchhiked all the way to come to me šŸ™‚

After work she was standing at my work – wow! I couldn’t believe my eyes, but she really was there. She had her birthday this weekend, and we went out for dinner to a restaurant. It was so nice to be together, and just lie in bed and talk. The day when she left was a bit sad, it made me cry and I felt sad. But I was so happy. She is so cool that she did this. And I so didn’t expect it.

Sadness and sunshine

Today. Begins. With storm. After a while, the sun breaks through. Work went okay I guess, nothing special, just a lot of system failures. That sometimes, makes work almost impossible. I was not broken after work; that’s good. I could not manage to go to Jiu Jitsu. I don’t know why; it’s this overwhelming apathy that has a grip on me. There is no balance between work and the rest of my life. Maybe I will subscribe from Jiu Jitsu; I still pay, but I went two times in the past three months. Mostly because I do not manage to go after work. Usually I’m home too late; sometimes I’m not too tired, but it ends too late. Then I get in trouble the next day at work. So I skip. (And skip. and skip). Here I am. It’s sunny and beautiful weather outsideĀ  for a change, but inside of me is a dark rain cloud. Questions pouring out like heavy rain. Stop. Is this what I want? Is this how I want life to be? Is this how my future should be? I feel trapped. Because there does not seem to be much choice. Not much choice without guilt. I feel trapped in the system. Trapped in what the system wants me to do. This week I had my interview. No later than monday , I will know if I can stay or not. Temporary extentions, by 3 months. No steady contracts; steady contracts seem a rare species from the past in history books. They ask commitment, but don’t give you anything. Is this right? Pressure. So much pressure, for what? For a basic, miserable existence? I am cold again. Everything is numb. I go to work, I came home, and I feel nothing. No passion, no future, no past. I’m an empty void, an empty shell again. I know I’m the only one who can change it, or fight it. But what if you’re the only little oxygenbubble in outer space? How do you fight that?

I guess you don’t find: you just keep floating, for the rest of your life.

Can’t believe its just four days

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Just four days ago, I woke up next to you. Now, I wake up alone again.

Feeling empty, and nothing seems to matter anymore.

My days pass, because of this crazy busy job, but my life is empty.

This is not my place. This is not my home. This is not my world.

I don’t know exactly where it is, but I know that things are becoming so empty when you are away again. I try to stay positive, but it’s hard. I guess the depression is far away, but maybe once it caught you, it will never completely stay away. It leaves a scar that never goes. But that’s okay.

I have too much questions. Future? Job? What I should do?

But I guess I know deep inside.

It’s about taking risks. Leaving everything behind. Letting go.

I don’t know why I have to prepare myself and just can’t do and go, so it takes a lot of time.

But this emptiness, sucks. This is not how life should be. THis is not how I want life to be.

 

Difficult things and questions

A few days ago I reblogged a post about family/ issues/ abroad. Of course things are not only this way, like everything, everything has more perspectives and different sides. I can’t say I like or dislike my family, I just can’t put it into words. Things can be sad in one way, and sad in the other. Somethings go like they go and they go unplanned.Ā  Answers are really hard to define.

How much do you love family you don’t really know? How do you know someone? Sometimes people you think you know do something you never expect from them. Sometimes people hide big secrets, while you know them your whole life. How far do you go for someone you love? What to you do when someone is sick but abroad? Do you go there everytime? You never know when the last time is you see anyone. You (almost) never know when someone is going to die. You (almost) never know when the last time is you see someone. It’s so complicated.

My grandma is in hospital for the second week now. She goes there every month to gather some strenghts with medication and vitamin injections for her illnesses. Usually, after a week, she can go home. But now, she can’t. Because for a week now she has fever. The doctors don’t know where it’s coming from. And she is not so strong physically. She’s really thin and her illnesses take a lot of energy.Ā  Last night her roommate in the hospital died. She had fever too. It’s a bit worrying. My mom doesn’t feel good. She says something doesnt feel right this time.

I asked her if she wanted to go there; this week I would be able to drive there without any problems. She said not; because sometimes you can’t say goodbye to someone, she told me, you never know when someone is going to die. I guess especially not in the case of my grandma, because she is sick for so long and they have been worried so many times for years now. It’s complicated.

And this, brings so much questions for me.

What if, you know, what if something happens now? Or next week?

What am I supposed to do? Say to my new job, sorry guys, I can’t come ?

The risk is large if I do/say this, that I will not have the job anymore. Anyway IĀ  will miss the required training and I will not be able to start the job anymore.

This could have consequenses for my future, but is it worth of the other side?

The other risk is, that maybe something will happen to my grandma and I will never see her again. But I dont know.

Man, these kind of decisions suck. Because in fact they are simple and complicated at the same time; if it would be my mom, I would not hestitate and go there I think. Why do I feel different towards my grandma? Because I know her less? I feel bad about myself I feel and talk like this about a human being. Something doesn’t feel right. Usually, it would be simple; the human goes first, the job? never mind. But why does it feel that my future is on a balance point to and a wrong decision could make my own future impossible?

Sorry, I hope I will not get misunderstood. I feel terrible writing like this, writing about this, I almost feel like a monster thinking about it like this.

I just try to make sense of it, but this seems impossible.

 

(The lack of) dreams

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dream [driĖm/]
noun – series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep //Ā  state of mind in which someone is or seems to be unaware of their immediate surroundings // cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal.

” But don’t you have dreams anymore?”

Silence. Thoughts. Feeling a bit embarrassed. More thoughts. Silence. And a little storm in my head. Such a simple question, can be so difficult to answer.
Someone asked me this question a while ago, and sometimes it still kind of haunts me. Dreams. Do I have dreams? What are they? When is something exactly a dream? Did I ever have dreams? I-do-not-exactly-know.
Dreams, goals, future, they are all words that are a bit difficult for me somehow.
Maybe depression captured my dreams away. Maybe the ‘rough’ circumstances. Do dreams come back? Do you have to chase them? How can you find them when you can’t feel or see them?
Or is it that I don’t dare to see them, because if I can never realize anything it will hurt less? Who shall say.
I wondered if I ever had dreams. Was there something I really wished for? I am not sure. I guess for a long time, I kind of dreamt of my own house, or place to live. How nice that looked to me, to have a place where you can close the door and shut off from the outside world, where you decide the rules. Without any form of interfering from anyone or anything – just IF you choose for it.
That looked really nice for me, but this lasted short; circumstances changed something in me, and I don’t think it’s possible for me to have a place of my own now or in the nearby future. It’s too late. And I need it now, but I can’t. Just out of the question.
Maybe once I dreamed about a job, that was nice and that I would be happy with, that would allow me to have my own place to live, drive a car and go to places, go on holidays. Buy myself nice and proper food. Sometimes go to the cinema or a concert or a museum, buy myself a book. It doesn’t seem so far away for most of the people perhaps, but for me, it is too far away. So far that I don’t even think about it anymore, well rarely. I just can’t , because maybe it hurts too much that this is too far away (while I feel like I need it).
These things made me start thinking. What do I really need in life? What do I really need to feel happy? What is really important to me?
I figured out that it’s not having much stuff. I have too much stuff that I never use, so I started downsizing that. But if I downsize to my basic needs, I don’t seem to be happy neither. To a certain level, I seem to ‘need’ things, to be happy. For example, I don’t need a longboard to be able to live, but it does make me more happy somehow.
I don’t dare too look in the future too much anymore. it’s too far away, I can’t touch it, I can’t work towards it, just because the roads have to many bumps and you can not be sure of anything. Nothing is sure. Nothing is forever. You have to be always on guard. So HOW can you keep believing in your dreams, in your goals? Are they so strong you never give up on them? Are they so strong you never lose energy?
Dreams and goals seem so important, but on the other hand, they are only making things more difficult. Or what if you don’t really feel them? How do you decide the future? How do you work on the future?
Questions. So much questions.

The phonecall (and a busy day)

The last few days I’ve been feeling quite depressed. I still do not feel great, though there’s a bit space to breathe right now: I got the job!

This afternoon I had a missed phonecall (was in the car) and I saw the number and I knew who it was. This could mean two things: I was rejected or I would get hired. *panic*. After 20 minutes I decided to call back. The lady asked me how the interview went, so I told her that I felt really bad after it and that it didn’t was so great in my eyes. Then she said: Well, they thought different about that. *HUH?*.

Yeah, they want to give me a contract. Next week I will have to sign. I will start in the 2nd week of March and I will have a job untill the 2nd week of May. So it’s temporary, but it’s something right. I hope I can get some financial space again – I hope the training for this job goes well and I can do it, because even if I sign, there’s nothing sure of course and there is always this period of trial, or however you say that in English.

I’m not sure how I feel now. I’m afraid a bit I can’t do this job, I’m not smart enough, or things like that.

So. Other thing I went today is to a specialist for compression stockings for my ‘sick’ leg. I went to another person, because I didn’t like the previous one very much (she gave me wrong information and she would give me my measures of the last years at least 3 times but I never got them). This new lady was someone with a lot of experience in this field and she asked for the history, so I told her the story about my leg (Erisypelas, Thrombosis, and the pulmonary embolism after) and that I started wearing this thing very late, because no doctor told me about this, and I had to figure out myself about the need of a compression stocking and such, and that I had a lot of questions still. Parts of my leg swell if I don’t wear this thing and the color of my leg is different, also I have some minor issues with my toe. She explained to me that this is internal damage. But I never had a proper check in this, is beacuse of the healthcare system – the insurance system wants to put everything in systems and you get so much money and things for a ‘patient’, so this means limited things. Aand this confirmed my thoughts – you can not assume you get the care you need. They should have checked me properly in the beginning, but they didn’t even mention this to me, and the checks I had I mostly asked for myself. As well, in the beginning I really didn’t know what to do because I didn’t know anything about this. It’s sad that you get sick you can’t believe and trust the doctors opinions.

Well,Ā  I will never get rid of this compression stocking – but I can live with that, it’s what I thought myself already somehow. It doesnt look sexy, but I do not dare to let it of, I am very scared that I get issues with it again and I really don’t want this. Luckily, I took the right decisions in the past to keep wearing these things, even if the doctor told me I could leave it off after two years. This lady, the specialist, told me it was very wise of me not to do so, that I didn’t listen to the doctor, because of these blue spots- she said that this is a sign of internal damage , and especially becauseĀ  I had both ‘worse things’ – erysipelas and thrombosis, I probably have double damage – the vessels and the lymphatic system) and It might be bigger then we think. I will also keep the same compression pressure class, because its safer. This means; expensive, handmade stockings. I can only have 2 a year, not more (this is not enough- the power decreases, its the same if you have to do a whole year with only 2 pair of socks ). But the insurance doesnt allow – they dont care if you need it or not. The stupidest thing is that I actually end up paying myself because of the ‘own risk’ policy. And these things are not cheap at all. But since I will have a job now, it will be a little bit easier.

But the good news so far; I’m going to try a new brand, AND this brand I was able to choose a color! This wasn’t possible with the old ones, they are ugly brownish, I felt a bit old with these things, but okay, in summer it’s not so obvious and some people notice it very late that I have something on my leg, so far that’s good. But I get a black one too now! I’m superexited about this. The lady said they paint it, and that this paint actually keeps it more stiff for a longer time in comparison to the not painted one, whcih is good for the pressure. So I’m really exited about trying these new compression stocking out! It’s maybe stupid to be exited about, but somehow it makes me a little bit happier.

An exhausting day

Today, I woke up quite early, because I planned to go to the emigration expo. The day started with black ice, I pushed the breaks of the car and nothing happened. Luckily, I drove slow because I knew it was a bit slippery, but it was worse than I expected. And luckily, there was no other traffic and it was off the main roads, but it was a bit scary. I almost made a 180 degrees spin while turning. I stood there for a minute doubting to turn back and not go, but the mainroads where free and I think my parents want me to be away sometimes, so I went. The trains were crowded (not nice) and very dirty. I can’t believe a good WIFI connection in the train is much more important nowadays then a clean train where you dont have to sit on chairs with beer or whatever kind of substance. I really don’t likeĀ  ‘this’ – but hey, that’s the normal standard for now right? As long as there’s WIFI, 90% of the people doesn’t care about the rest and seem happy.

The travel was long, and cold. I finally got there, and it was supercrowded. Overwhelming, those things are very tiring for me. I walked a few rounds, concluding that this was useless for me. I took some leaflets and brochures, got a free pen and free sunglasses, and managed to talk shortly to someone of a Bulgarian company and someoone of a French job agency (note: these were the most unpopular stands- thats why I was able to speak to them i guess – it was so busy if you wanted to talk to someone, you would have probably had to wait for a long, long time). Not good for information. Using a searching machine on the web is maybe even more useful.

After a while, I decided to get out of there. I walked the whole fair – there was nothing left for me to do anymore and these crowds and noises were too tiring for me (heck, I really can’t handle these things, they give me bad headaches and make me so tired! I always think that I’m weak somehow because they really exhaust me, they seem to exhaust me so much more than most people). I was glad I took the train because at least I could close my eyes if I would have a seat of course, sometimes its so crowded you have to stand. Unfortunately it took 30 minutes before a shuttle service came and I could get on the train after the busride. I slept during the rainride – I was glad I didn’t take the car. After a long trip, more than 7 hours travel (way there and back) I got home again.

Conclusion: This was all wasted money. Wasted time. Wasted energy. Never again.

At home, I wanted to go to sleep, but my mon insisted me to eat first. She can be really pushy sometimes – I dont feel like I can do what I think is good for me or what I need and when I need it. She is in no way a bad person, but this pushy side of her I really dislike and it makes me feel bad sometimes.

Now, I will go to bed. Its not even 8 pm, but I’m exhausted.
I just need to get rid of this massive headache.

Good night. I hope tomorrow is better.