Working towards the ‘future’

Looking forward to the future is not something I’m very good at I guess. It’s a struggle to pass the days usually, so why look to much ahead? That only makes things more difficult, and it’s simply too far away.

Though somehow, I feel like I have to make a little plan this time. Because if the job I have now ends, I don’t want to fall in this big black hole I’ve been in before. I’m not really something, my study didn’t give me anything in particular and I’m not really very skilled or have some kind of talent that stands out. So if I want to make it in life, I have to do something. Plan something. Look ahead.

I already lost years of my life. I’ve never really lived a life like I wanted to. I always feel obligued to take care that others are okay, make sure they have their needs. Not mine. My life’s empty, so why bother? I’m not good in anything. I’m just a void; so it always felt like I had no right to turn life my way.

Also, I always thought I would not pass 30. But I did. And I’m still here.

But lately something is pushing from the inside of me, I guess. I’m still empty, for the biggest part. But I feel the need to start doing things. It’s a bit hard to explain, it’s a combination of anger, frustration, of disliking the person I am. I can’t live the life anymore that I’m in. It’s a prison, and it’s killing me.

One thing is already taking place: my move. I will probably have moved completely end of August. Another thing is a course I subscribed for. In september I will go to a survival course in Sweden. It gives me a lot of doubts, can I do this, will I be able to level with the people? How do I get there? Is this the right thing to do? Yet I need to learn these things. I want to know how to survive. I want to be able to survive when I’m completely on my own, when things fall away or when a war breaks out. With all the things going on in the world, you can never be sure enough.

I’m having a few more vague plans. I want to do more martial arts. Train myself. I hope to manage once I live in the city again. And go training next to work. We’ll see, I guess time will tell. For now, I still feel empty, but a floating emptiness.



Facing facts


Last week, there was a lot of time to think. I had a hard time with work, since my jaw hurted pretty badly from my dental surgery. It still does, actually. Friday I really tried, but I had to call in sick during the afternoon. I just couldn’t stay there anymore.

Somehow I slept a lot during the week, 10 hours a day is nothing. I don’t know if that’s because of the tooth, of something else too. I feel that I tend to depression again, but I’m doing what I can.

Yet, I know I don’t do enough to stay healthy, active, strong. All I do is lie in bed, sit behind the computer, play Fable on my Xbox, read my new book about the Chernobyl disaster. I know I’m not moving enough, but somehow that is superhard to do, but I don’t get it.

I know I like exercise, I know I feel better, I know I’ll be in better shape, and what do I do? The complete opposite of what I should do! I noticed I gained weight and I feel heavy. I haven’t been to Jiu Jitsu training for 3 weeks now (there was a holidayweek, one evening I was too tired and late from work and last week I didn’t go because of my jaw/dental surgery). But Jiu Jitsu, is not enough. I need to extend my exercise.

  • I dont want to grow fat
  • I need to take care of my health
  • Its better to exercise more because I like to be active and I want to do things I need a good condition for
  • I would like to be in shape.

So WHY, am I not doing anything about that. Why?

Upcoming winter, I would like to go on ski holidays. I’ve been wanting this for over 10 years, yet I never went. I could never find anyone to go with me, and I was not brave enough to go by myself. This time I found someone. I will go with my love.

So I guess I should better go and take some lessons. I’m looking for them now. There are no mountains over here, so I will go to some indoor class. I guess I should do that. But I have no endurance, strenght or flexibility I guess – my body isn’t in shape at all. This is something I will have to do alone, since love is far away from me and I don’t know anyone else who would like to learn to ski or join me. So, something to work on. I know I can do it, but it’s a bit of a challenge.

I also wanted to follow French classes, to be able to speak in love’s country. To be able to have a change to find a job and work in that country, so we can live together one day. Yet all I did was listen and try some youtube videos. I looked for a course but it only starts in february, so I will have to wait before I sign up. This will be a challenge too, next to my job.

Oh about the job. My contract ends this week, but last week I learned that I will have an extention untill april 2016. That’s quite some time. I’m happy, but at the same time work will ask a lot from me, it will be busy, I will work fulltime (there’s not much chance to get less hours, you have to have a very good reason for it, like children or studying, and I don’t have this in their eyes).

I’m also pissed of with my job, because I wanted to go with Christmasholidays to my love. I asked off in August. It was somehow difficult to give an answer, so I asked if there was another option to go in November and work with Christmas holidays, but no reply. And now I got an answer, but all flights are :

  • superexpensive (3times normal price)
  • or with 3 stopovers so the travel takes up till 25 hours while just one flight of 1h30 minutes is enough to get there.

I didn’t book yet. I don’t know what to do. Money isnt everything, but I’m annoyed by this and I don’t want to have a 25h travel- too exhausting.

So far so good, that’s how my life is at the moment.

The good and the bad

It’s crazy, crazy busy at the moment. My job is so demanding and exhausting, it’s crazy. I sleep and work, and that’s all. I drive home way too tired, and drive back to work too tired as well. It’s busy as hell at work and I’m having trouble to get through the days. My head blocks at a certain moment and I have so much trouble to hang in.

The good thing is; a few days ago I learned that I can stay at my job! For at least the next 3 months, there will constantly be 3 months extentions, but that’s fine to me. I didn’t expect that I could stay, and I’m kind of happy because now I know I have work for a bit longer and there is something in my life that I seem to be able to do right. I also feel quite comfortable at work somehow and I can be myself somehow. I will be trained for other things, I don’t know for what yet, but I’m a bit curious about it.

Since two weeks I have some tongue fungus which is really disgusting. I went to see a doctor and got some stuff, but it didn’t help and now I have some new medication, with a lot of nasty side effects. I’m nauseous all the time, headaches and tired and I feel weak. It still doesn’t seem to get better and it worries me. * Do not use Doctor Google for everything*. I don’t know where this comes from but I do know it started shortly after I was ill and stayed home for a couple of days which I spend in bed. It’s not only my tongue – I feel it in the back of my throat. So I hope no other nasty infection is coming – I’m a bit worried this will block my outdoor training trip.

Next week I am supposed to go to a training abroad, but if I’m still not well like I am now, I’m not sure if I go or cancel. I do not want to get really sick. I’m still in doubt what to do.

Last but not least; Last week when I came out of work I found a very nice surprise. My love was here! She told me she was away for the weekend, and she couldn’t be on skype and such. But instead she hitchhiked all the way to come to me 🙂

After work she was standing at my work – wow! I couldn’t believe my eyes, but she really was there. She had her birthday this weekend, and we went out for dinner to a restaurant. It was so nice to be together, and just lie in bed and talk. The day when she left was a bit sad, it made me cry and I felt sad. But I was so happy. She is so cool that she did this. And I so didn’t expect it.

Sadness and sunshine

Today. Begins. With storm. After a while, the sun breaks through. Work went okay I guess, nothing special, just a lot of system failures. That sometimes, makes work almost impossible. I was not broken after work; that’s good. I could not manage to go to Jiu Jitsu. I don’t know why; it’s this overwhelming apathy that has a grip on me. There is no balance between work and the rest of my life. Maybe I will subscribe from Jiu Jitsu; I still pay, but I went two times in the past three months. Mostly because I do not manage to go after work. Usually I’m home too late; sometimes I’m not too tired, but it ends too late. Then I get in trouble the next day at work. So I skip. (And skip. and skip). Here I am. It’s sunny and beautiful weather outside  for a change, but inside of me is a dark rain cloud. Questions pouring out like heavy rain. Stop. Is this what I want? Is this how I want life to be? Is this how my future should be? I feel trapped. Because there does not seem to be much choice. Not much choice without guilt. I feel trapped in the system. Trapped in what the system wants me to do. This week I had my interview. No later than monday , I will know if I can stay or not. Temporary extentions, by 3 months. No steady contracts; steady contracts seem a rare species from the past in history books. They ask commitment, but don’t give you anything. Is this right? Pressure. So much pressure, for what? For a basic, miserable existence? I am cold again. Everything is numb. I go to work, I came home, and I feel nothing. No passion, no future, no past. I’m an empty void, an empty shell again. I know I’m the only one who can change it, or fight it. But what if you’re the only little oxygenbubble in outer space? How do you fight that?

I guess you don’t find: you just keep floating, for the rest of your life.

Can’t believe its just four days


Just four days ago, I woke up next to you. Now, I wake up alone again.

Feeling empty, and nothing seems to matter anymore.

My days pass, because of this crazy busy job, but my life is empty.

This is not my place. This is not my home. This is not my world.

I don’t know exactly where it is, but I know that things are becoming so empty when you are away again. I try to stay positive, but it’s hard. I guess the depression is far away, but maybe once it caught you, it will never completely stay away. It leaves a scar that never goes. But that’s okay.

I have too much questions. Future? Job? What I should do?

But I guess I know deep inside.

It’s about taking risks. Leaving everything behind. Letting go.

I don’t know why I have to prepare myself and just can’t do and go, so it takes a lot of time.

But this emptiness, sucks. This is not how life should be. THis is not how I want life to be.


Difficult things and questions

A few days ago I reblogged a post about family/ issues/ abroad. Of course things are not only this way, like everything, everything has more perspectives and different sides. I can’t say I like or dislike my family, I just can’t put it into words. Things can be sad in one way, and sad in the other. Somethings go like they go and they go unplanned.  Answers are really hard to define.

How much do you love family you don’t really know? How do you know someone? Sometimes people you think you know do something you never expect from them. Sometimes people hide big secrets, while you know them your whole life. How far do you go for someone you love? What to you do when someone is sick but abroad? Do you go there everytime? You never know when the last time is you see anyone. You (almost) never know when someone is going to die. You (almost) never know when the last time is you see someone. It’s so complicated.

My grandma is in hospital for the second week now. She goes there every month to gather some strenghts with medication and vitamin injections for her illnesses. Usually, after a week, she can go home. But now, she can’t. Because for a week now she has fever. The doctors don’t know where it’s coming from. And she is not so strong physically. She’s really thin and her illnesses take a lot of energy.  Last night her roommate in the hospital died. She had fever too. It’s a bit worrying. My mom doesn’t feel good. She says something doesnt feel right this time.

I asked her if she wanted to go there; this week I would be able to drive there without any problems. She said not; because sometimes you can’t say goodbye to someone, she told me, you never know when someone is going to die. I guess especially not in the case of my grandma, because she is sick for so long and they have been worried so many times for years now. It’s complicated.

And this, brings so much questions for me.

What if, you know, what if something happens now? Or next week?

What am I supposed to do? Say to my new job, sorry guys, I can’t come ?

The risk is large if I do/say this, that I will not have the job anymore. Anyway I  will miss the required training and I will not be able to start the job anymore.

This could have consequenses for my future, but is it worth of the other side?

The other risk is, that maybe something will happen to my grandma and I will never see her again. But I dont know.

Man, these kind of decisions suck. Because in fact they are simple and complicated at the same time; if it would be my mom, I would not hestitate and go there I think. Why do I feel different towards my grandma? Because I know her less? I feel bad about myself I feel and talk like this about a human being. Something doesn’t feel right. Usually, it would be simple; the human goes first, the job? never mind. But why does it feel that my future is on a balance point to and a wrong decision could make my own future impossible?

Sorry, I hope I will not get misunderstood. I feel terrible writing like this, writing about this, I almost feel like a monster thinking about it like this.

I just try to make sense of it, but this seems impossible.