Days pass by, and every morning I stare out the same window. One day I see a tree in the sun, the other day I see a tree in the rain. Sometimes, there’s an owl sitting in the tree, but more often it chooses another one.
As days go by, sometimes I realize a little what is happening, and what has happened. Usually my brain seems to be just shut off, it doesn’t really do anything out of the automatic pilot, and maybe that’s for the better; i just don’t know.
I’ve re-read the e-mail I received from my ex, yes, it’s officially ex now, if you ask her. I don’t know what I would say if you ask me. The more I read it, the more I feel like she never even tried to fight for something, or put any work in an us. That’s not completely true, but , there is a part of truth in it. If you ask me, of course.
I also feel like she’s getting out of this the easy way and not me. I’m stuck with a lot of obstacles, and sometimes when I think of it it makes me angry. It’s not that I wish she had them, I don’t want anyone to have these struggles, the struggles of having no home and impossible to find one, to struggle for income, and what you get is not enough to make a normal living. At least her life continues. She still has the house, for herself, the garden, the cat, her freedom, money coming in because that government there seems to be easier with benefits, her environment, not having your stuff everywhere (my stuff is still half there). And so on.
And here I find me. I don’t even want to really think of it. No house. Low income, below minimum and I am ashamed of it. I’m slowly going towards 0, I’ve never been so low on money. There’s no looking out on a house or a better job right now, and, that’s also really my own fault, because I don’t apply. I don’t stick my head out in that world.
I tried several times, but something blocks me. When I start to write a letter, it ends pretty quickly. I’m not capable of dealing with a lot of stress. I’m really not that good in things. Why would someone hire me? Well, there’s a lot of people you better hire than me, because of so much reasons. Also the fact that everything seems to demand full time, and I don’t even know if I can make 8 hours a day. It sounds ridiculous, and yet it’s the bitter truth.
The bitter truth.
The bitter truth.
Those three words, resonate in my head right now.
The. bitter. truth.
sharktoothsweater 