Living the wrong life.

Why is it so hard to change your life, even if you know your life isn’t the life you should live?

Lately I get overwhelmed from time to time by the oceans of thoughts and questions that attack me. Nothing new though; I always had them and they will probably stay in my life as long as it will last.

In my outdoor trip in the Czech Republic, someone recommended me the book “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed. I’m reading it now and it brings back melancholic feelings. It brings back the feelings of wanting to go back outdoors. The uncertain. The unsure. The outside.

Scary, but one of the best things I ever did. Usually I care because I want to know I have a safe place, a place where I can withdraw from this crazy world. A place that is mine, where no one can chase me away. Where I can be me.
Its kind of strange, because the outdoors is not mine. It’s not safe. Everyone can chase you away.  But yet, it feels different. Life changes, in the outdoors.

I’m thinking about my life. I finally have a job, but did it actually add something to my life?
Well, it did add money for sure, and some safety, some luxury, that I’ve been able to buy new clothes, eat the things I wish for, learn some new things, be more confident (though this still doesn’t mean I am confident). It’s a job that I can handle. I can save up, and as long as the job stays (that is insecure and uncertain), things are safe and well.

Yet I don’t think I’m happy.

I miss the mountains.

I miss the outdoors.

I miss my love.

I did not see a future here. I still do not see a future here.

Things need to change. I, need to change.

The sadness that is coming back every time once in a while

Sometimes, like in most of the times, I try to forget all about it. I’m (appearantly) a living soul in the world, but I have no idea what I want in certain ways.

One of the things that I’m not too proud of, is that I (again, and still) live with my parents. It’s not in the way like some people think: I do my own laundry, I vacuum, I go grocery shopping and I do the things that need to be done. It’s in no way a hotel like some people tend to think. Not that I should care about other people’s opinions, but yet it affects me sometimes.

Now that I have a job (but not a secure one though) I should go live on my own. ANd I guess I would like to, but, yeah, but;

• how the hell do you define or decide what is the place where you want to live?
• how the hell can you easily or quickly find a house or room IF it seems to be normal to have a subscription for like 6 or more years to be able to make a chance for getting to rent a social housing thing?

Am I to blame that I didn’t subscribe? But how could I have known years ago where I would be right now? How do people do that? Seriously?

It brings in so many conflicts within me. I can’t stay here, I know. And I can’t go as well.

It makes me feel so sad, and hopeless, and powerless.

I want to, and yet there are so many difficulties and obstacles.

Can anything be easy? Something basic, and yet so difficult to reach.

It must be the error inside of me, that I don’t get this. That I can’t get this to work.

Stuck. I’m stuck.

I will find the place.

There are

too many questions

and there will always be

too much left

all I can change

is what I don’t know

too well.

Thousand pieces in the sky

You are my thousand pieces in the sky,

Seperate little parts, though always keeping an eye

it’s the big whole –

nothing can break that apart.

everything can break that apart.

 

so there is nothing, to be afraid for.

You are there,

I am here,

under the same sky.

 

Looking forward

Next to the dull, nothing saying life that I lead at the moment there is a small twinkle in my heart.

Last week I got some holiday time approved at work. Yesterday I booked a flight to France. I have two weeks off, and I leave the day after work ends and I return the day before work starts again. I want to have the maximum time abroad. I really look forward to see my love again and to go abroad and be in the mountains and discover new places. Being on the road.

We will go together, she will have her new place to live, I will see a new city, a place she loves to be. It’s close to mountains too, which is perfect. We will go on a roadtrip together, which I’m really looking forward too. We plan to go to Andorra, and maybe Spain too. I always have wanted to go to Andorra, but somehow it never came that far. This year it seems to be close; though I haven’t really planned this – I planned a lot of other things I wanted to see, but this was not even in the top five I guess. I don’t mind. It’s perfect. I’ll be with my love, we will see great places, new places, I’ll see her city, and we’ll have a roadtrip together. It can’t be better than that. I am happy with this knowlegde that this will happen in less than a month.

For one of the very less times i can really say that:

I’M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO SOMETHING!

Secrets of the garden

This little friend, sweet and honest –

making the secrets of the garden

visible to the eye.

Little nice things.

What is there left to say?

Inside of me, there is so much I want to say, but when I try to start , nothing comes out.

Nothing new really.

Things are kind of the same.

Work is going along, but it’s for a change less busy. It must be of the holiday time. It’s nice not to be under the time pressure and stress anymore though, but it’s such a big change compared to so short ago. But that’s the same with a volcano outburst can be; one day it’s like it’s not active at all, the other day it explodes.

My love came to see me for almost two weeks. We spend a very nice time together – everything is less numb when she’s around. Things just seem to change, somehow. I feel like going to places, doing things. When she’s gone, like now, all that fades away. It’s really weird how fast things can change.

Even though the last few weeks were pretty full of activities – work, spending time with my love, we went to an interactive museum, visited a submarine, went out for dinner, went out for playing pool and such , and I visited my friend and we cooked and we went out to a sushi place (but I don’t like raw fish so I eat other things) , which were all pretty nice events- everything starts to be numb and meaningless again. My love has left again, and is far away again.

I’m glad I work 5 days this week, because I need a distraction. (I’m lucky to have 5 days planned: Because it’s not so busy, a lot of colleages got less, like 2 or 3 days). But what if the week after I work just 2 days? Then there’s so much time….and my parents will be here again, back from their holidays.(Which means: adapt again).

I’m in a huge doubt whether to or not to move and live on my own. Well, on my own – could be with flatmates or something like that too. Because when lookingat the prices, seriously, I do not understand how people can pay everything. A simple room is a week of my salary – ( a fulltime one). A flat a two weeks salary (a fulltime one). What if I don’t get enough hours, how would I pay things? The risk is too high. (But at the same time, I know the decisions I make are 90% rational and ‘safe’). Do I see it wrong?

It looks nice to have a place for myself, but; then I can’t save money anymore (I’m saving again for moving abroad, holidays, renewing my stuff, going to my love and paying off my debt (university). Maybe it’s wiser to wait. To bear everything, save as much as I can, save for my move abroad, invest in a language course, pay off my student debt.

I don’t know. Making rational decisions should be easy, but it’s not. Making decisions on feelings, I don’t know, it should be more difficult. But I don’t feel what to do. I don’t know – there are too much perspectives, so I guess that is all rational and not based on emotions.

Life turned into a dull void again. The beautiful things, and things that seem to move me are out of reach again. And so it continues …