Wonderful, just wonderful.

1 pm. A movie, one of the 3 dvd’s I own, is playing for the 3rd time. It’s not that I like the movie that much, it’s just to pass the time and just to try to distract myself from these awful feelings.

I’m too empty and exhausted to type what is going on. But let’s say I feel awful and ” work” as far as you can speak of work , is absolutely not helping. In fact I’m afraid it influences all of this pretty much or at least makes it stronger. My hope of change, or that I would once just make it, is slipping away.

Hell yeah. I’m 30, and I feel like this is the end of my life.
I have no future. I will not make it. I just can not adapt to the world.

Not in the past, not now, not in the future.

I can not take care of myself financially. I’m stuck and trapped in invisible prisons.I’m doomed to live on the streets when this finishes (maybe that comes sooner than the original planning , but I feel too exhausted to type the story- it doesnt matter anyway). Or I’m doomed to live with my parents forever and feel ashamed of myself, that I can not even take care of myself and I’m too useless for anything. Oh yeah of course there are things I can do, but my talents are USELESS. USELESS. There is no room or space for them and nobody is waiting for it.

I’ve never been in such a fucked up position. When I was in university, things where a lot better. But hey,  I am the one to blame right, according to a lot of people – to public opinions, or at least what many think or say….. Since I should just get a job, and if I don’t get a normal paid job that is my fault, because 1-I dont try hard enough 2- Im not good enough 3- whatever, it was just in my head and now I forgot it because probably I’m the insane one right?

I guess I should quit this all and let myself admit to a mental hospital and hope they will drug me so badly for the rest of my life I will be numb forever and just wait untill I can die.

Yeeha. And fuck you world, fuck you.

better give the coffee, to someone else.

No thanks,

It’s better to give the coffee

to some one else

Yeah, I drink coffee

sometimes but,

It’s just no good to

drink it

with me.

and I’m really not nice to hang out with

you see.

I’m at the wrong side

of the world

Better give the coffee

to someone

else.

heartless

No, I don’t want to wake up

No, I don’t want to face the world,

No, I don’t want to be alive,

Because everything is cold.

 

Once, I used to have hopes

I used to have dreams

But it was all erased,

There is nothing to raise for

anymore

and a heart can

never

never

be replaced.

i wish i was

in the air

raindrops can fly

but in silence

they just fall out of the sky

and crash

lose all their tiny pieces of hope,

automatic suicide

it doesn’t seem

too bad

to be

one of those.

(untitled)

A stone hits the water

dances on the surface

for seconds

where underneath

the air

invisible conversations take place.

 

The source of the movement

but it’s dark in the forest,

there are no leads

paths are covered with mud

and the jungle of plants and bushes

sting like hell.

Medication dreams

So many pills

but not one

to take away

this pain

Pasta bolognese

So, I cooked

today.

My plate is on the table

yay, pasta bolognese.

I’m lying on the couch and stare at it.

I just

can not

eat it.

No signs needed

As the road turned left

into an endless sea of mountains

and where the goats

rule the roads

the asphalt collapsed partly

in to the river down

and the continues stream of traffic

even if rarely,

became impossible

unrevealed mysteries

blackness of the ink

soaking the paper

characters melting into a sea

words dissapear

in to this unreadable story

there is no need to erase,

there are more ways.

Reversed

it’s dark outside

the moon is the only one around

the only visible thing

because the stars are hidden in the clouds

the world seems asleep

but I’m wide awake

though I shouldn’t be.

 

Outside the sun starts the day

birds come alive

the world starts to move and finds a way

except for me

because it’s dark inside.

 

My system is broken,

now I’m covered in the clouds.