Empty floors

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After a day and after the rain
Because you didn’t see the sun
You open the door because it was locked
And you will see that the curtains are wide open

Light is falling on the floor
Structures, just being there in silence
and in fact the only presence in your life

You did not pay for them. They did not pay for you.
You did not ask for them. They did not ask for you.

And day after day
Every day the same, but in different perspectives
You open this door
One day in the dark
One day in the light

Nothing changes,
Yet everything changes.
Just because of that.

Existing but not living.
Living, but not existing.

 

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The fire

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Why do they even call it the fire, when it’s not something that is literally burning?
Is it about the light? The warmth? The flame?

For a little while, life was so simple. All I had to take care of, was to get through the day, to find water, and food, and a shelter. To make it to the next place, or just make it through the day, but it’s a different making through the day as it is here. It’s kind of hard to explain, I don’t know how I can explain it with words, because they never have the load or the real meaning they have when it’s reality.

What is the fire inside of you?

What is the fire inside of me?

Can you answer this question for yourself? Can I answer this question for me?

The weird thing is that sometimes you think you know, but you are never sure. Or maybe you just assume. Or it changes, from time to time. I don’t know, I guess sometimes it’s just rather confusing.

Fire. What’s your fire? What’s my fire.

Is it the fire that keeps you moving?
Is it the fire that keeps you warm?
Or is it the fire that melts your heart?

So yeah, I feel like crap.

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I guess I knew it was kind of ‘coming’, but somehow I seemed to think it would pass without anything special. I always had these periods of emptiness, of feeling useless and crap, feeling awful because of this emptiness and nothingness. I guess this is the depression. It has been away for quite some time. Well it never really is but it seemed not so bad. But I feel tired, exhausted, and empty. Especially this emptiness is terrible.

At work, I arranged something. Last week I went to a talk about mental stuff at work, and I got to know two of my direct colleagues were there too. They had issues too, they spoke, but I kept silent. I didn’t reveal what is the dark side in me. No one really knows, and I would like to keep it that way I think.

But with several things at work (that don’t work so well) my frustration and feeling not well is growing. I had , and have, trouble to make full days at work. So I grabbed my guts together and went to the manager. Well his replacement – officially I have another manager, but ┬áhe’s on holiday and I don’t feel comfortable because he does never really act. This woman manager does.

I don’t think I had a very coherent story and I remained pretty abstract, I said something like I was not so happy anymore at work lately, I had trouble to get through the day and a little about this depression. Boom. There is was out.

I didn’t have a long talk, and I remember her saying she is not familiar with depression, but she arranged shorter working days for me for the upcoming time. Which seems to give me space. Or I hope it will, to get myself together again.

But she wants to have regular contact. Like know if this helps. Like in next week. That was some kind of pressure too, because depression doesn’t lift in one week, does it? So I am not sure how she sees this.

I guess this is a good thing, but I’m not sure about my position at work. It’s already under pressure, maybe I should not care, but I don’t hope this makes things worse.

While I was walking on the street from the grocery store tonight, I felt like a zombie. I just stare empty into this world, and everything seems empty. I don’t get exactly why emptiness is so awful. I crawled away on the couch, and somehow I managed to put chicken in the oven for dinner. I’m really trying to keep myself together, but sometimes, that is difficult.

Yesterday I saw this video, and somehow I relate to it. I don’t like the music too much, but the rest spoke to me.

I don’t know if it makes any sense to post it here, but I’ll just post it.

 

I’m trying, but it’s a struggle

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I try to walk. But the walk is not easy.I try to keep moving. But it’s hard.

After I came back from Sweden, from being cut off from the world mostly, I had some trouble to step back in society, in the other life, or however you want to call it.

The contrast was just, I don’t know, overwhelming, and everything seemed too fast, too much pressure, too stressed, to pushy.

The world, and society, really rush and have this enormous pressure and speed. It’s unbelievable how much this seems to has its toll on me. I don’t know if I’m just weak as a human being, but I really find it difficult to keep up with life, with society, with work, with all the things everyone seems to expect from you. Working eight hours a day is the standard but I have a hard time hanging on to that. It’s a bit too much, somehow. I just barely hang on to these eight hours.

As for that, I am fighting too against this depression around the corner – will they ever leave? Or is it melted in my soul?

I am having trouble too since I live on my own again (well, with my love) to find my own pace, to find my own things. I just get lost mostly. I feel lost in the city, lost in life, I don’t seem to have a direction. I just float.

Like walking around but being invisible to everyone.
Walking around silently in noise, and not being able to escape it.

Living in my own place gives peace but it has traps too – there is nothing to force or push me, and I tend to stay in and become inactive – i know this and I try to resist this, to keep moving and going outside, but seriously, this is difficult.

I still keep going to Jiu Jitsu – that seems to go well lately, but next to that my days are pretty empty. I can’t find my things to do. I wish I felt something, some connection to things that I seem to like. But I don’t feel it. It’s maybe numb again, that nothing matters (while it matters a lot).

I don’t know how I feel, I just float. I’m not happy, I’m not unhappy, I am numb. And I find it hard to deal with life, to deal with work. I feel like I just want to sleep and lie on the couch and not move. I wish I could really turn myself off for a while, just like a computer you shut off.

I just wish I could feel or knew a direction where I want to go, or where I wish to be, where I can work towards to. But yet everything is numb and empty. And everything feels meaningless.

And I don’t know what’s worse, feeling awful from depression or feeling empty and numb.

All I know is that it doesn’t feel nice.