Empty floors

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After a day and after the rain
Because you didn’t see the sun
You open the door because it was locked
And you will see that the curtains are wide open

Light is falling on the floor
Structures, just being there in silence
and in fact the only presence in your life

You did not pay for them. They did not pay for you.
You did not ask for them. They did not ask for you.

And day after day
Every day the same, but in different perspectives
You open this door
One day in the dark
One day in the light

Nothing changes,
Yet everything changes.
Just because of that.

Existing but not living.
Living, but not existing.

 

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It’s the sad of joy

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Walking through the storm, when everyone’s inside

and you know that step by step

you’ll get closer to the end

 

because

it doesn’t really matter which road you take:

they all lead to the same point.
Can you face the truth?

Can I face the truth?

Step by step, moving on.

Moving on, to the still.

 

Can you imagine, what it’s like?

When the mind that captures your soul

And your sould captures your mind.

 

Memories are flashbacks of the future

And tears are the drops of the rain

and steps are the sprints to the finish line,

the complete nothingness,

What else could you do?

Living in the shadow

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There are always people who do not live within the world

You can only find them in the outskirts

though not the usual ones; you have to look through, not closer.

You will always find stories about them in books,

but those that no one picks up, and those that never will reach the library.

There are movies, but they are all a scene; they don’t really know how it feels.

It’s not even so easy to explain how it exactly is, to live in the shadow.

Visible, but unreachable, even if you think you made the connection, that’s just a sad none-truth.

I can’t explain, because I seem to be one of them.

 

Another meaningless weekend

And so it continues.

It’s nothing new, so I shouldn’t be surprised, but it’s still stinging somewhere that it happens. Everything turns into this world of numbness again, of emptiness, a void. Maybe depression is slowly taking over again, I don’t know.

The days go by, but they don’t say anything to me. I just go to work, and let my free days pass by; nothing matters, there is no impulse or want to do or go anywhere, so what happens is that I stay inside, in my room, trying to pass the time somehow. I watched a few series, I usually do not watch series, but now I just watch them to distract my mind.

Work is going okay, it has been busy again and I had a review from my coach on my work. I expected to hear some points that I had to work on, but there were not really. My coach seemed satisfied and told me to keep continuing like this. The most important point that I have to work on is take care of my breaks.(I don’t take enough breaks). I’m aware of that – usually my break in the afternoon dissapears, because it’s usually so busy and so much to do that I just grab a drink and continue with my tasks.

At work, there was an e-mail going around that said to let know about your preferences with working hours and days to the manager. I’ve been staring at the email and could not decide anything. So I didn’t reply on it. It doesn’t make sense for me; my freetime doesn’t make sense neither. These are just empty days that dont say anything.
Yeah, I think it would be so much nicer to work one day less, but right now, what point would that have? I don’t do anything with these days, I don’t do anything with my days off; I don’t go anywhere. So I guess I just keep working.

No work sucked, I just sat at home doing nothing.

Work’s okay, and still sitting at home doing nothing.

What kind of creature am I? Why am I not doing anything with my time off?

WHere the heck are my wishes, dreams, wants?

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No, I don’t want to wake up

No, I don’t want to face the world,

No, I don’t want to be alive,

Because everything is cold.

 

Once, I used to have hopes

I used to have dreams

But it was all erased,

There is nothing to raise for

anymore

and a heart can

never

never

be replaced.

Reversed

it’s dark outside

the moon is the only one around

the only visible thing

because the stars are hidden in the clouds

the world seems asleep

but I’m wide awake

though I shouldn’t be.

 

Outside the sun starts the day

birds come alive

the world starts to move and finds a way

except for me

because it’s dark inside.

 

My system is broken,

now I’m covered in the clouds.

snapshots and broken thoughts

Tattooed inside my brain

Been trying to erase some parts,

but sometimes I can’t seem to bear

these thoughts about you

can’t bear to read

or see something

that reminds me of you

These memories – sometimes almost killing me.

 

Once things were different

We used to talk, we used to speak

We used to write, but time turned weak

well, not only time, things changed

And they will never be, the same

(but I don’t want them to be)

 

The impact you had on me

in several ways

is drifting away

but memories come back at certain days.

 

I realize that

I never really knew you after all

and maybe we were never even really friends

since it was hidden behind this hole with walls

 

The more I used to think about it

The more confusing it would be

But distance changes things

And feelings always block the things to see.

 

Sometimes I feel bad

that I decided to cut the contact.

And try to erase you out of my life

but then again

True, it’s maybe not fair that I made it one way

but I guess the contact was one sided anyway

because you would decide

when and how and what and…

oh well, maybe it doesn’t really matter anymore.

 

Guess I’ll never really understand

but you maybe wouldn’t say.

The inside cracks lost hope and sense it all

where little time turns into days.