Everything will change from now.

Less than 24 hours, and everything will change. Well, life changes all the times, but sometimes you know a change will come while now nothing seems to be changing: you know it will, but you still feel empty.

Countdowns like these are always weird;you know, but you don’t feel.It’s just going to happen, and you know.

Tomorrow I’ll move. Love will come. Everyone expects me to be superhappy. Yet I can’t.

Yet I am not.

I feel ashamed of myself, that I am not happy, because somehow I seem supposed to be superhappy. But I’m not.

I just am, empty, knowing, but I don’t feel it.

It just is.

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Breathing in and breathing out

I’m cold, alone. I’m just a person on my own. Nothing means a thing to me, oh nothing means a thing to me.

But how can it hurt when nothing means a thing? That’s just how I feel. It’s just how I feel.
That was how I felt. Just how it felt. That was yesterday, and now it’s time to move on.

I’m “busy” with preparations for ‘the move’.
I want to do it slowly and peaceful, because I have a hard time hanging on to life.

But, of course, I don’t get this space. Others pulling at me and trying to decide my schedule. I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS.
They don’t understand depression. They don’t understand apathy. They don’t give me the space. They don’t listen. It’s my life. My place. My move. it’s MINE.

But it doesn’t look like that. I can’t fight it, I’m too tired. Everyone has opinions about how I should do it and when and whatever.

. My opinion doesn’t matter. My schedule doesn’t matter. My pace doesn’t matter. My peace of mind appearantly doesn’t matter. And so on, and on. And with all these things, I cant help myself but get the message that I do not matter.

I’m glad I will move, and live on a distance from all those people. All I wanted is this to be a nice proces. BUt it’s taken from me. Taken like so much more.

I can’t talk about it. They don’t understand. We will get a fight.

I’m tired. I’m sick of this. Angry too.

I feel like i want to dissapear.

Just be a void, float in the air, emptiness hurts, a void can hurt too, but some moments I so badly wish I could float in nothingness. Makes sense right?

Emptiness hurts

Emptiness doesn’t sound so bad as it actually feels. I mean, empty as in nothing as in apathy or something, I don’t know how to describe it exactly. But nothing doesn’t seem to have a ‘load’ , so how can nothing be anything negative? It sounds neutral, so not positive and not negative.

Emptiness is empty. Like a void. Like nothing. So how can it have something negative, because it should be nothing, like neutral? Does it still make sense or….?

I feel pretty empty lately. Not only empty, also apathetic.I see the summer, but I don’t feel it. I see the sun shine, but I don’t feel it. I see green trees, blue skies, but I don’t feel it.

And I don’t care.

I’m seperated from the world again. I notice the distance growing.

At work, things fall into a void.I don’t care anymore. I don’t feel anything nice anymore. Appearantly it doesn’t matter if you notice problems or things that don’t go well. Appearantly it doesn’t matter if you mention them and try to solve them or not – doesn’t make any difference. The only things that seem to matter are stupid things that don’t make sense to me. I could mention lots of examples: but I’m too tired. It costs too much energy to write.

I have food everyday. I can shower. I can sleep in a bed. But I don’t really care. I don’t feel anything. It’s just something that is there, but without any feeling. Without any load.

I’m in a relationship. But I don’t feel it. Love is far away , distant. And I say this with pain in my heart, but I don’t feel it- I am so sorry love. I know that I love you, but I don’t feel anything now. I am so sorry. How could you even live with me, if this is who I am?If this is how I am?

It’s like something in a museum you can’t touch. It’s far, distant. I don’t feel it right now.

It’s just there.

I have a new house. I should move. Should make it a nice place. Should act. I don’t care. Everything is empty.

I should make future plans and goals. Things I really like to do. But I can’t care – it’s empty, far, I don’t feel it. I dont see it.

I am empty.

I am such an empty person.

I feel empty.

because I am.

And it hurts.

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sadness wins, sometimes

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I walk, because I need to get better, because I need to get fit. Because I need to take care of myself.But I walk and instead of feeling better, I feel sadness, and apathy. I feel scared, anxiety, and nasty thoughts.
What if I’m sick and I’m going to die? What if I never get rid of this freaking dysthymia? What if I can’t live a normal life and can’t hold on to my job? So many what if’s, but I know it doesn’t matter and I don’t have answers and I shouldn’t ask myself these questions. I don’t even know why I ask these questions. But they are in my head.

The sun shines, but my feelings are numb.It’s beautiful, the sun, the nature, the emptiness of the landscape. That I try to take care of myself. But I don’t feel it. All I want is to crawl away and feel sad, because I am. I want to be with my love, to feel safe and welcome.

But my love is far, and I’m stuck in this crazy sadness and hell of a pressure at work. I’m stuck in this life of nothingness. No, I’m not stuck forever, but I’m stuck now, and I feel this intense sadness, that makes me doubt about everything and makes me scared of so much things.

I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to feel this way.

And yet, it’s all that happens.

How it goes more and more the way I don’t want it to be.

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My clothes don’t fit so nice anymore. Some clothes really don’t look good anymore. I know. I look at myself in the mirror. I have grown fat. I’m probably on one of my most ‘fattest’ periods I’ve been in my life. I know. While a while ago – well that while is actually something like a year- things seemed better. It was just temporary, I guess. I look again into the mirror.

I don’t even sigh anymore. I know. My shape is not so good.But I’m too tired to hate myself for it. I kind of don’t care, and at the same time I do. I don’t like myself this way.

I’m not taking so good care of myself. Work is taking a lot from me, and the rest of life what is around that too. It doesn’t help that I sit a lot at my job either.

But I’m the one who can make the change; and I don’t. I notice my body is stuck, but I don’t do anything about it. I was planning to extend my exercise and add more , but the opposite happened.

Probably I’m at health risks, or creating them, as far as I don’t have them yet. I don’t know, when do I wake up?

The body is one of the most important things. I want to look nice, feel well, be healthy. Why can’t I just act that way?

I know. I know this is not good, and this is not the way I want to be.

I can’t blame depression or life, because I know, and I should be able to change it.

But why, why am I just sitting here on my ass, realizing that I know, and not doing anything?

 

Sadness and sunshine

Today. Begins. With storm. After a while, the sun breaks through. Work went okay I guess, nothing special, just a lot of system failures. That sometimes, makes work almost impossible. I was not broken after work; that’s good. I could not manage to go to Jiu Jitsu. I don’t know why; it’s this overwhelming apathy that has a grip on me. There is no balance between work and the rest of my life. Maybe I will subscribe from Jiu Jitsu; I still pay, but I went two times in the past three months. Mostly because I do not manage to go after work. Usually I’m home too late; sometimes I’m not too tired, but it ends too late. Then I get in trouble the next day at work. So I skip. (And skip. and skip). Here I am. It’s sunny and beautiful weather outside  for a change, but inside of me is a dark rain cloud. Questions pouring out like heavy rain. Stop. Is this what I want? Is this how I want life to be? Is this how my future should be? I feel trapped. Because there does not seem to be much choice. Not much choice without guilt. I feel trapped in the system. Trapped in what the system wants me to do. This week I had my interview. No later than monday , I will know if I can stay or not. Temporary extentions, by 3 months. No steady contracts; steady contracts seem a rare species from the past in history books. They ask commitment, but don’t give you anything. Is this right? Pressure. So much pressure, for what? For a basic, miserable existence? I am cold again. Everything is numb. I go to work, I came home, and I feel nothing. No passion, no future, no past. I’m an empty void, an empty shell again. I know I’m the only one who can change it, or fight it. But what if you’re the only little oxygenbubble in outer space? How do you fight that?

I guess you don’t find: you just keep floating, for the rest of your life.

Free, but trapped.

(Or should I say trapped, but free?)

Yesterday, I had a short conversation about this with someone. It’s something that I find very difficult and maybe what I’m going to write now isn’t making any sense at all. There’s one sentence that struck me in particular:

“you know, you keep saying you’re stuck, and I know that’s how you feel. But somehow you are more free than anyone I know”

I seem to be free. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a house, I don’t have a family, I have nothing much that ‘restricts’ me in a certain way: if I don’t get up, things will not fall apart, I will not be missed very badly, nor will much people even notice.

So, I seem to be free. I seem to be free, but I can’t seem to use it, I can’t seem to feel it, I can’t seem to see it. I don’t.

Because a lot of days, are full of emptiness. Are full of uselessness, of the lack of purpose. There is nothing much that keeps me going really, there is nothing that waits for me, nothing that needs me. The world is a place where there isn’t just space for everyone; literally maybe yes, but not in the world of jobs, income, and with this, the right to live, because this is how i see it – to not have these things, with the current system of how the world works, affect this – the right to live , because the way I see it it’s that it’s so difficult and hard to live in these circumstances, that I don’t want to call that a life.

And yet this whole thing is something you can see in many perspectives. A lot of people do not think my life is so bad – “but at least you don’t have a family” , “at least you have a bed to sleep in” or “at least you have food”.

So if you are alone, (which is already more difficult, because you have less support and everything is more expensive and you have nothing to fall back on, because you will have to fix everything yourself), it’s not so bad? So if you have a family, to care for, that’s worse than rot away when you’re alone? THis is really making me angry sometimes, and I want to scream: BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE EACH OTHER. But I don’t. I keep silent.

At least you have a bed to sleep in – what the fuck does this bed change when you feel so down and there is no purpose? Want to have my bed? fine, take it, I’ll sleep on the floor, whatever.

At least you have food? Fuck this food, it keeps my physically alive, but then the rest? And all this food is full of added crap, chemicals, whatever. You want to have the food? Fine, take it.

*now-back-to-less-angry-mode*

There are these moments, like now, how I realize how messed up (my) life is. How stuck I am and can;t get out. How I do not see possibilities anymore, ways to try.

Why should anyone give me a job? Why should anyone see something in me?

What future do I have to look forward to? Why would anyone help me out?

Am I to blame? Do I try to less? I had years of therapy, I saw different psychologists, I tried medication, I tried to finish a study, I did, I always worked, but after I graduated things fell apart. Can someone please tell me why I keep failing, what I do wrong, what is wrong with me? Because I don’t understand it anymore.

I seem to have a lot of possibilities, of choices, of so called ‘freedom’.

Yet, I feel a lot of pressure and judging minds about my situation. Every step is a marathon. Trying to find a job? There’s so much pressure and stuff to ‘explain’. Benefits? They are going to control my life and I will die even more inside.

Something has to be wrong with me, because I dont even have benefits. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t work for so long now.Something has to be wrong with me, because I can’t live on my own and I live in family’s house. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t get life nor do I understand the system. Something has to be wrong, because I can’t live like this.

Freedom. I can’t do whatever whenever I want.

So called freedom.

 

packing

Sometimes time doesn’t seem to be passing; and it’s like everything is standing still, or moves forward in a pace that even the slowest animal on the world seems a high speed.

It’s like a breeze that blows the plants, flowers and grass from left to right, but the speed of the breeze is not even possible to measure and you almost don’t see any movements, but you notice it’s in a different position.

Suddenly, it’s almost time to go. I’ve been waiting for this for 2 months, and now it is there really close; the weird thing is that it has faded away and it doesn’t seem real anymore, I can’t grasp it, I can’t feel it, I seem numb.

Printing my boarding pass, packed my clothes, my toothpaste, my hairbrush. My bag stands lonely against the wall, waiting for me to pick it up.

It almost seems unreal.

In my head, I can see myself taking the train. Getting a few hours of sleep. Get up, on a very early morning, dress, pack my stuff and go to the airport in the cold. Maybe it will be spooky, like the last few days; lots of fog. Maybe there will be snow and ice – but hopefully the weather circumstances will not be that way and not deregulate the public transport.

And then I will fly. Fly to the person I love. And I don’t know, my feelings seem frozen (makes me sad and feel bad about myself somehow – but I can’t do anything about it- it seems far and distant.).

I can’t wait to defreeze again.

The dominating emptiness

It’s over now, I’m cold, alone
I’m just the person on my own
Nothing means a thing to me –

This is a part of a song, by K’s Choice, a Belgian rock band. It’s from their song  “I’m not an addict‘, which hasn’t really anything to do with me, though these specific sentences describe pretty much how I feel, lately. This massive emptiness, is really not so nice somehow.

The last week has been a rough one – mainly struggling, struggling, struggling. I have been feeling depressed, and it has been a while I’ve been feeling this low. Along with these feelings actions come – or actually I should say: the lack of action. Because I don’t really act. In the morning, the first struggle was to get out of bed. Not one single day, I’ve been out of bed before 9.30 am, and some days it was 11.15 or something. Also, I skipped breakfasts, I think I only had breakfast once. Two days were really awful; I felt very low, not alert, and like I was living in a different world, that nothing seemed real, as if you’re behind a thick glass wall, can see the world around you, but never can be part of it; it just moves along, and there you are, trapped in this prison that no one can’t see and makes you not able to touch reality.

Today is the first day I finally seem to feel a bit better, not with these lows anymore, but I know I’m not safe and this emptiness is just around the corner. I can feel it, I can see it, I can sense it. Often, in times like this, I have a lot of trouble with making decisions. And it’s still very hard to make decisions, I can’t decide even the most simple things; my head spins and I just ‘don’t decide’ – so nothing happens. Not even what to eat, what to wear, what to buy in the grocery store. Even if I make a plan, everything messes up in the whirlwinds inside of my head. And I don’t know how to fix this – I haven’t found any solution, it happens, and I can’t see to do anything about it.

I know I will see the person I love soon, but it faded away – I don’t feel it in real anymore. It became a vague memory, and I want to feel this, and not this emptiness. I feel guilty I feel this way, I feel not fair, that it feels this way, but there doesn’t seem anything I can do about this – it seems too far away, I can’t touch it, it’s out of reach, I can’t remember the actual feeling that is so good. I can’t – I’m just filled with this stupid emptiness.

This week was also the last Jiu Jitsu training of the year – the gym closes the next two weeks because of holidays, so there is no training. I don’t really like this – I just want it to continue. It’s actually the only steady , regular thing I do in my life. Last week, we went to join a Taekwondo club, sometimes we have these ‘special trainings’. I didn’t have a good day and I was doubting a lot to go or not to go, but as I said I would come, I joined. The most people of the club I train with, (it’s not such a big club, very few people), cancelled so I ended up there with the trainers. They and the people there seem to know each other pretty well, and I felt a bit uncomfortable there. At a certain point, while I was standing a bit lost in the gym when everyone was talking here and there in little groups, and I didn’t really know what to do or where to go, the taekwondo trainer walked to me and said: please join somewhere, practise, or talk, because if you are here,  you are one of us. This made me feel even more uncomfortable, I said to him this ‘social part’ wasn’t my strongest part and that I would try. But I didn’t really try hard- well I just didn’t know how or what. But I did what I could manage, I guess. Maybe as well, I don’t think taekwondo is really ‘my thing’, but it was interesting to see and try it once. It’s more aggressive than what I do (that’s not aggressive at all and myself, I’m not aggressive at all either – I learned this about myself this year when I ended up in a situation (you can read about it here ) where I should have punched or kicked someone, yet, I didn’t do anything, but becoming angry and shaking from anger). This situation made me wonder a lot of things about myself – could I attack or defend myself when someone would harm me? I’m not sure. Physically, I could – I’m strong, I know I have a lot of strenght, maybe more than average, though strenght isn’t everything – technique, balance and such can be more effective. But my real actions in this situation?

Anyway, in the taekwondo training, I did learn a few exercises that could be helpful, but I will have to find the motivation and willpower to do them myself. I really would like to improve my Jiu Jitsu skills, and maybe even try and do martial arts – I wish I could go to something like that everyday. Yet I just go once a week. (well, I can’t even afford to go to something every day I guess). But with practising this, I just forget about everything else in my life for a little while. And I focus on balance and technique, and somehow I like it, to learn, even if I make mistakes. I feel the want to improve myself, and the want to control, to be able to control. I just hope I can make this work, and can continue with this before dropping out because of my general emptiness.

Sometimes nothing seems to matter, and feelings fade away from me.

Icy drops

Slowly the dark leaves the world behind. There it is: the light. I pull my blanket up as far up as possible, trying to hide as much as I can from myself. I can see there’s fog outside, and this place surely looks like a ghost town. A ghost in a ghost town, it couldn’t be more perfect, I think.

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For a couple of hours, I lie there in agony and think: What reason do I have to get out of bed? None. Thoughts cross my mind of how useless and worthless I am like this, how things could have been, how I seem to be the only one in such a messed up situation and how trapped I am and I don’t see a way out. And how others judge, even if they don’t know me, and how they don’t understand. “Just get a job”, “Just get benefits” – if things were only so easy.

Not that it should matter, what others think of me. But somehow it does. I guess you need people and their opinions around you, just to be able to reflect on yourself and level yourself. Trapped, as a ghost in a ghost town. I don’t see a way out. At least, not right now. Always, there is this awful waiting time. I had enough of this waiting time, it’s painful. It’s killing. It brings permanent damage and you’ll never be the same again. ( If you can ever, be the same.)