Sometimes there is no fix

img_0235

All you see is a drowned leaf in the water; it’s shallow, and clear, but there’s no way you could – or could have-  rescued.

There is no fix, for certain things.

Right now, I’m not having the best time of my life. I always have these periods, and I will always have them. I don’t believe they will ever dissapear. Because the not sleeping aka insomnia continued, and I really felt like I would break down, I went to the doctor. I have a new one, since I moved, and he’s a bit weird in some ways I guess, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with him. He prescribed me some sleeping pills – which is actually what I came for. Last night was the first night I slept again, not enough, but at least I slept.

I remember a part of the conversation. Of course he asked why I couldn’t sleep.

Stress. Stuff. Life. Work. All the usual things, I guess. And, life is just difficult for me. I find life difficult, and it might probably always stay that way.

What he could do for me? I said that I knew he can’t fix my problems. That I know no one can fix my problems, and that some things can’t be fixed. All I wanted was sleep, and so I needed medication now, and he is the key to that.

Because usually I can manage to fix – or control – things in my life.

But sometimes I can’t. And this was now.

I’m not feeling better, I’m feeling low. Just low, not even depressed. But all that I know is that some things, can not be fixed. Not now, not in the past, not in the future.

 

The bad trip

foto2478

For something like a week, I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up during the nights.
Work+people around me not well+ the fact that I’m not good in dealing with stress = usually not a good combination.

Last week, I spend an evening with one of my friends. It was nice, we cooked together. After that she dropped me off home. Sometimes before she goes to sleep, she smokes a joint. That unstresses her, and lets her sleep very well. That’s where the idea came to my mind that I could try this to- to finally get some decent sleep (what I so desperately needed).

I don’t smoke, but I had spacecake. Some time ago I bought two slices for foreign visiters who wanted to try. I had one slice left in the freezer. And I thought this would be a good idea. But it was not.

Mistake 1: never take something like that alone. I was home alone.

Mistake 2: never eat the whole slice, start with a small part. But because I was so desperate for sleep, I ate it all.

So. Yeah. It went wrong. I had spacecake before, but nothing ever happened. I tried some weed too before, but nothing ever happened. I didn’t get what was so relaxing or nice about it. But this time was different. The spacecake worked. But not like I wanted:  I had a bad trip. Anxiety, shaking, kept being stuck in some kind of repeat mode.Nothing was real. I didn’t know what was real and what was not. I knew I wasn’t allright, but, I couldn’t control. And I couldn’t sleep.

It became worse and worse. Then I decided I needed help. I needed to be with people. So I tried to call my friend, but she was asleep and did not pick up. (She slept for 12 hours I learned the day after). I ended up calling my parents, in the middle of the night. Because there was no one else to call. They came and pick me up. I felt ashamed. I told the truth.

They were not angry. They came and took me to their house. There I slept. And I lay on the couch for the next day feeling weird, foggy in my head and tired. Now, two days later, I’m still tired. But I felt and feel ashamed. If I would be 16 or something, okay. But I’m  33, and having to call your parents in the middle of the night to come pick you up because of something stupid you did…that’s not cool. I never had to call them for anything like that, because I simply never did. This time I lost control. And I hate losing control.

This? never again.If I need to sleep, I just go to the doctor and see if I can get some medication I guess. But this? Never again. Never, never, never again.

Living what life?

Imagine. But it’s a truth.

I have a day job.A changing amount of hours every week. Nothing steady, nothing fancy.   Permanent contracts out of the question . It’s not the question if you have to leave or not:  the question is when.

It’s not a special job: everyone could do it I guess, there is no special degree needed for it, though when they make selections, they kind of pretend it that way.

Despite that the colleagues are nice, I guess the job is not making me happy at all. I keep telling myself that it could be worse, and seriously, this is not the worst job I had. In fact it’s the best, as you speak in friendliness and payment. But that, is not everything.

And however I make enough to support myself, it will not, or never,  make me rich. It will not help me to buy a house or something. It will just help me to pay the bills, and lead a moderate life in terms of – yeah, in terms of what exactly?

Work became something I don’t look forward to anymore. It became dull, unrewarding, and the days become longer, though in minutes they didn’t expand at all. I feel like a robot, a part of a system that isn’t really a good one, but, that’s something you should’t care or question about; it just makes things more complicated for yourself.

there are a lot of indications that this isn’t the job that makes me happy.It gets harder in time. I get headaches, I’m tired, and I care less, I lost my motivation. I try to do things right, but it’s never right anyway and hard working doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s not even notices. Maybe I would really like to find a job in my field of interest, but I don’t really know what my field of interest is. Often people say that is bullshit, but I’m really not sure myself.

As well I always feel like I’m not qualified enough or there is too much asked in a profile which I’m not. Also this game of who’s the best candidate, and all this fancy stuff, isn’t my thing. Sometimes I wonder about going back to study, but it’s unsure how I could afford that or support myself. And if I could make it, with my mental struggles. I guess I have motivation issues. It’s not that I don’t want, I’m not sure exactly what it is. It just makes things complicated. I also wonder if the degree or certificate would help anyway- I don’t think so). It would be just lost money. But what am I working towards to? To keep working like this and supporting myself to rent a house and buy food and keep that going for 20 or 30 years?
I passed the point where all the questions and thoughts keep me from sleeping. It became normal part of my life. Where simply a year ago these things would keep me up , they became a part of me – they don’t keep me from sleeping, but just continue during my sleep.

I wish I could explain how I feel. But the truth is: I’m not sure myself.

All I know is that I struggle to find my words, to find my feelings, to find the change.

All I know is that what you are reading, are just words to you, but it’s blood of my soul.

And all the words that I can’t find, are frustrating me that I can’t get them out.

That I can’t find the step to change. That I can’t do things different.

that I don’t know what I feel. That I dont know what i want.

That I just can’t make things better for myself.

What am I living?

Reversed

it’s dark outside

the moon is the only one around

the only visible thing

because the stars are hidden in the clouds

the world seems asleep

but I’m wide awake

though I shouldn’t be.

 

Outside the sun starts the day

birds come alive

the world starts to move and finds a way

except for me

because it’s dark inside.

 

My system is broken,

now I’m covered in the clouds.

Insomniblah.

It’s night. I am so tired, but can not sleep. I want to sleep so badly, but I can’t fall asleep. For three days in a row now, this is happening. I turn and turn and turn and move from the matras on the floor to the couch to the bed again. Listening to the sound of the waterfall close to my house. Only a balcony and a parking space seperate us – it’s not so high, but thoughts swim around in my head and show me to just jump in it and let the water take me away. I move to the balcony for a while and watch the stars. No signs of life outside. I’m so tired. Why can’t I just fall asleep? I want to sleep, sleep, sleep. Sleep forever maybe. I love sleep. I need sleep. But something won’t let me.

Sleep Stealing Monsters

Sometimes there are these battles you have to take care of, because of certain monsters  try to mess up with your sleep. They can appear in / take many forms. Sometimes they steal your sleep, disturb your sleep, hold you from sleeping at all…sometimes they turn into monsters who keep you sleeping all the time. Monsters who hold you back from being in the real world, or hold you back from wanting to be part in the real world. It’s such a battle. Sleeping, not sleeping. Everything around sleep seems a battle. Insomnia. Oversleeping. Sleeeeep. My relationship with sleep (or not sleeping) is a complicated one, and it keeps changing from not sleeping to oversleeping and everything in between. Sometimes I think that sleep is one of the most beautiful things on earth/in life, but it has a very sad side too I guess;  I use it to pass time, to cope with life, and there are times I feel so sad I just crawl away in bed and try to sleep as much as I can, and sometimes that ends up with sleeping around 15 hours a day (if not more.)

And somehow, when you need or want to sleep the most, there are always things that make that impossible for you and hold you back from getting the amount of sleep you wish/need. Also, it is hard  or the most crazy things happen that you will wake up often.

NOISE

Normally nobody ever needs you but of course on days like these, people want something from you and you hear your name with a lot of decibels coming from down the stairs….Or when you are finally asleep, there is someone or something that makes so much noise you wake up again and fail to fall asleep again….

Somehow for the previous days (maybe even weeks) my I can’t get no sleep turned into a I want to sleep more and more and more. And I could easily end up spending whole days in bed.I feel like I would want to, but in no way I get a chance to do so. Suddenly, everybody around me seems to need me at times I want to sleep. Want things from me at times I want to sleep. And when I want to sleep, they even wake me up, because THEY think I should not sleep. That pisses me off and makes me feel very disturbed. But also, when I try to get some sleep, I never feel relaxed enough to fall in a deep sleep. It’s like something in me is always on guard:

Zzz

Even the pillow can turn into some dangerous creature and turns into a pillowmonster who is able to eat you in your sleep.

pillowmonsters

And even more pillowmonsters…..you can run and you can try to hide, but they will always find you in your dreams.

monster

And if the pillowmonsters aren’t chasing you, the coral-from-the-sea monster with one shoe is chasing you: waaaaaaaaaaahhhh.

peanutmonster

And if the coral-from-the-seamonster isn’t there, the peanutmonster will go after you.

And and and……….

sharrrrk

the world of sleeping is over again.

Insomniblahhh

Sleeping is a great something. I’m glad it exists. Though, there are these times, I can’t sleep at all. Also sometimes I sleep way too much, other times I turn into a nightowl and don’t sleep at all for longer periods of time.

One evening, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep.The clock ticked and ticked and ticked minutes and hours away, but I just couldn’t sleep no matter how bad I wanted to.

B1

Okay, so no sleeping….let’s read a book. But too tired to read, so that wasn’t working out at all. Somewhat annoyed I put the book away.

b2

So after I put the book away, I tried to count sheep. Like they always show in cartoons on tv or tell in stories. Counting sheep huh. But all I could see was a sheep saying: mehhhh, behhhh, mehhh, behhhhh….

b4

Even more annoyed I tossed and turned and tossed and turned and switched positions ( somehow I move more in my sleep then during the days) but suddenly…

b3

I rolled over too far and it was BOOM. There I lay next to my bed on the ground.

b6

Since I fell out of bed, I was lying down on the carpet on the floor staring at the ceiling. What was the point of stepping back into bed anyway?

b7

And switching position again.

b8

And more switching positions.

b9

And more….and more and more and more…

b10

And more……….untill i felt so stupid I stepped back into bed again.

b5

Where I was lying feeling stupid untill the sun came up again. Wahoo, a brand new day….