On my desk, right in front of me, there is a white box. A box with pills. Antidepressants.
I’m staring at it, like it’s a monster that changes everything, that is a key to another world. But really, that does not make sense because there’s no proof it will or will not. For now it’s just a box with pills. Nothing positive, nothing negative.
And yet I find it so weird. This box. These pills. This maybe-things-will-change-for-good-or-worse. The I-will-be-one-of-the-antidepressant-people. My head goes into a place where there are messages that were in the news saying things like: “Too much people get antidepressants too easily and they don’t really need them”, and things like that. Am I one of them? Or do I really need them? I don’t know. How do you decide? There is so much opinions about that. I just don’t know.
Anyway, I will not start them before a couple of weeks since I can’t avoid driving a car next week and in two weeks. Both the warning sticker and the doctor told me not to drive for two weeks. And also I thought it’s better to start them when I see someone sometimes, like my psychologist. Since I don’t have an appointment for the next three weeks, I will not start now. Did I justify myself enough?
Assuming there is never a really a good day to start them anyway, I will start them just in the start of my new job. Recently I found a new job that starts in a couple of weeks. I guess it’s the best I can do – I just hope things are not going to be messed up.
Unfortunately, it is very hard to keep up in blog world when you don’t have an internetconnection or a computer yourself and are dependent for those things. It’s frustrating a bit I can not hide in blogworld and read and such. So I’m sorry for not really keeping up and such.
Another meh things is that my health is still not okay. I went to hospital again for check and things were even worse. I wonder how that is possible, since I was on meds to lower everything down and it got worse? So now I’m on a double dosage and got some new stuff (for the protection of my heart or something ) andddd I am so lucky to have to come back again next week for another check and tests. Mehhh. I am not so happy with that. But also they said I should not worry because I was fine. What? If I was fine, I shouldnt need those meds right?
1-I dont want meds for longer times2- I dont want to have all these issues, there is enough bothering me already 3- Where is this going to end? 4-I had enough health issues so it can stop now for once ?
But yeah, it doesn’t really work that way. Another meh thing is that I think I am slipping away again into depression. I find it hard to adapt to life here, and my personality is not the right one for this environment. The people are nice, don’t get me wrong, but they need a different kind of person. They need a more positive, outgoing, proactive person, and not some empty person like me who wants to hide and is too invisible and holds back. I wish I could change, but it is so hard. It feels pretty lonely and I feel like I am losing again. That I am too weak to fight this and I will never make it in life. How can I ever be able to live a bit of a normal (read: a bit peaceful and being able to take care of basic needs) life ? I am afraid it is not going to work out for me. I don’t know what to do. I feel like hiding more, but yet I am still trying, though I feel completely lost and messed up inside. Just this outer shell prevents people from seeing that. Or maybe they see, I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel lonely and misunderstood. THat I “just have to make something of it” , but somehow I can’t. I don;t want to go back, I am glad I am abroad I think so far. So it’s not that. It doesn’t matter where in the world I am, its always turning out the same. I seem to be a human being, though, I don’t feel like one right now.