Pills, pills, pills.

On my desk, right in front of me, there is a white box. A box with pills. Antidepressants.
I’m staring at it, like it’s a monster that changes everything, that is a key to another world. But really, that does not make sense because there’s no proof it will or will not. For now it’s just a box with pills. Nothing positive, nothing negative.

And yet I find it so weird. This box. These pills. This maybe-things-will-change-for-good-or-worse. The I-will-be-one-of-the-antidepressant-people. My head goes into a place where there are messages that were in the news saying things like: “Too much people get antidepressants too easily and they don’t really need them”, and things like that. Am I one of them? Or do I really need them? I don’t know. How do you decide? There is so much opinions about that. I just don’t know.

Anyway, I will not start them before a couple of weeks since I can’t avoid driving a car next week and in two weeks. Both the warning sticker and the doctor told me not to drive for two weeks. And also I thought it’s better to start them when I see someone sometimes, like my psychologist. Since I don’t have an appointment for the next three weeks, I will not start now. Did I justify myself enough?

Assuming there is never a really a good day to start them anyway, I will start them just in the start of my new job. Recently I found a new job that starts in a couple of weeks. I guess it’s the best I can do – I just hope things are not going to be messed up.




Meh part II

Unfortunately, it is very hard to keep up in blog world when you don’t have an internetconnection or a computer yourself and are dependent for those things. It’s frustrating a bit I can not hide in blogworld and read and such. So I’m sorry for not really keeping up and such.

Another meh things is that my health is still not okay. I went to hospital again for check and things were even worse. I wonder how that is possible, since I was on meds to lower everything down and it got worse? So now I’m on a double dosage and got some new stuff (for the protection of my heart or something ) andddd I am so lucky to have to come back again next week for another check and tests. Mehhh. I am not so happy with that. But also they said I should not worry because I was fine. What? If I was fine, I shouldnt need those meds right?

1-I dont want meds for longer times2- I dont want to have all these issues, there is enough bothering me already 3- Where is this going to end? 4-I had enough health issues so it can stop now for once ?

But yeah, it doesn’t really work that way. Another meh thing is that I think I am slipping away again into depression. I find it hard to adapt to life here, and my personality is not the right one for this environment. The people are nice, don’t get me wrong, but they need a different kind of person. They need a more positive, outgoing, proactive person, and not some empty person like me who wants to hide and is too invisible and holds back. I wish I could change, but it is so hard. It feels pretty lonely and I feel like I am losing again. That I am too weak to fight this and I will never make it in life. How can I ever be able to live a bit of a normal (read: a bit peaceful and being able to take care of basic needs) life ? I am afraid it is not going to work out for me. I don’t know what to do. I feel like hiding more, but yet I am still trying, though I feel completely lost and messed up inside. Just this outer shell prevents people from seeing that. Or maybe they see, I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel lonely and misunderstood. THat I “just have to make something of it” , but somehow I can’t. I don;t want to go back, I am glad I am abroad I think so far. So it’s not that. It doesn’t matter where in the world I am, its always turning out the same. I seem to be a human being, though, I don’t feel like one right now.

Even zero makes hundred percent


1 + 1 = 100

1 + 17 = 100

-20 + 8 = 100


0 = 100

Today everything is 100. Zero is 100. Everything is all.

But everything is zero. 100 is zero. Everything is zero.

I need my new friends. I definitely need my new friends.

I don’t want to be in this reality. I need to be numb. Very numb.

Numb is hundred, Numb is zero.

Numb is everything. A nightmare, inside my head.

It is just a nightmare, inside my head.

Just a nightmare.



Hello, new best friends?


So I guess this is                          taking care of yourself.

And I guess these are                               my new best friends.

And I guess                              maybe they can work and

I guess maybe                                                    they don’t work.

But I guess                         all I can do now

Is try.