Free, but trapped.

(Or should I say trapped, but free?)

Yesterday, I had a short conversation about this with someone. It’s something that I find very difficult and maybe what I’m going to write now isn’t making any sense at all. There’s one sentence that struck me in particular:

“you know, you keep saying you’re stuck, and I know that’s how you feel. But somehow you are more free than anyone I know”

I seem to be free. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a house, I don’t have a family, I have nothing much that ‘restricts’ me in a certain way: if I don’t get up, things will not fall apart, I will not be missed very badly, nor will much people even notice.

So, I seem to be free. I seem to be free, but I can’t seem to use it, I can’t seem to feel it, I can’t seem to see it. I don’t.

Because a lot of days, are full of emptiness. Are full of uselessness, of the lack of purpose. There is nothing much that keeps me going really, there is nothing that waits for me, nothing that needs me. The world is a place where there isn’t just space for everyone; literally maybe yes, but not in the world of jobs, income, and with this, the right to live, because this is how i see it – to not have these things, with the current system of how the world works, affect this – the right to live , because the way I see it it’s that it’s so difficult and hard to live in these circumstances, that I don’t want to call that a life.

And yet this whole thing is something you can see in many perspectives. A lot of people do not think my life is so bad – “but at least you don’t have a family” , “at least you have a bed to sleep in” or “at least you have food”.

So if you are alone, (which is already more difficult, because you have less support and everything is more expensive and you have nothing to fall back on, because you will have to fix everything yourself), it’s not so bad? So if you have a family, to care for, that’s worse than rot away when you’re alone? THis is really making me angry sometimes, and I want to scream: BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE EACH OTHER. But I don’t. I keep silent.

At least you have a bed to sleep in – what the fuck does this bed change when you feel so down and there is no purpose? Want to have my bed? fine, take it, I’ll sleep on the floor, whatever.

At least you have food? Fuck this food, it keeps my physically alive, but then the rest? And all this food is full of added crap, chemicals, whatever. You want to have the food? Fine, take it.

*now-back-to-less-angry-mode*

There are these moments, like now, how I realize how messed up (my) life is. How stuck I am and can;t get out. How I do not see possibilities anymore, ways to try.

Why should anyone give me a job? Why should anyone see something in me?

What future do I have to look forward to? Why would anyone help me out?

Am I to blame? Do I try to less? I had years of therapy, I saw different psychologists, I tried medication, I tried to finish a study, I did, I always worked, but after I graduated things fell apart. Can someone please tell me why I keep failing, what I do wrong, what is wrong with me? Because I don’t understand it anymore.

I seem to have a lot of possibilities, of choices, of so called ‘freedom’.

Yet, I feel a lot of pressure and judging minds about my situation. Every step is a marathon. Trying to find a job? There’s so much pressure and stuff to ‘explain’. Benefits? They are going to control my life and I will die even more inside.

Something has to be wrong with me, because I dont even have benefits. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t work for so long now.Something has to be wrong with me, because I can’t live on my own and I live in family’s house. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t get life nor do I understand the system. Something has to be wrong, because I can’t live like this.

Freedom. I can’t do whatever whenever I want.

So called freedom.

 

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Wonderful, just wonderful.

1 pm. A movie, one of the 3 dvd’s I own, is playing for the 3rd time. It’s not that I like the movie that much, it’s just to pass the time and just to try to distract myself from these awful feelings.

I’m too empty and exhausted to type what is going on. But let’s say I feel awful and ” work” as far as you can speak of work , is absolutely not helping. In fact I’m afraid it influences all of this pretty much or at least makes it stronger. My hope of change, or that I would once just make it, is slipping away.

Hell yeah. I’m 30, and I feel like this is the end of my life.
I have no future. I will not make it. I just can not adapt to the world.

Not in the past, not now, not in the future.

I can not take care of myself financially. I’m stuck and trapped in invisible prisons.I’m doomed to live on the streets when this finishes (maybe that comes sooner than the original planning , but I feel too exhausted to type the story- it doesnt matter anyway). Or I’m doomed to live with my parents forever and feel ashamed of myself, that I can not even take care of myself and I’m too useless for anything. Oh yeah of course there are things I can do, but my talents are USELESS. USELESS. There is no room or space for them and nobody is waiting for it.

I’ve never been in such a fucked up position. When I was in university, things where a lot better. But hey,  I am the one to blame right, according to a lot of people – to public opinions, or at least what many think or say….. Since I should just get a job, and if I don’t get a normal paid job that is my fault, because 1-I dont try hard enough 2- Im not good enough 3- whatever, it was just in my head and now I forgot it because probably I’m the insane one right?

I guess I should quit this all and let myself admit to a mental hospital and hope they will drug me so badly for the rest of my life I will be numb forever and just wait untill I can die.

Yeeha. And fuck you world, fuck you.