It’s not dark enough

Foto2426[1]

A brand new day. A sun shines, and it shines in every corner. There is no darkness. There is no place to run or hide, because the light reaches everything. No matter what I do, how deep I crawl, I can’t hide myself from this “outside” world. You can’t run and you can’t hide – keeps repeating in my head, even if it’s not a voice that speaks. I can see those words literally flash by in my mind.I see the words. They don’t leave me alone.

There are these days, that the light is so bright, that the world seems unbearable. That you just want to crawl away, into darkness, just because it gives you space to breathe. Breathe, and rest, that you can’t get in the light. And even your sunglasses do not help you at all. The light just comes through. No matter what you do, no matter how deep the cave is where you hide, you stay visible.

Sometimes all you want is stay in the darkness, let the world pass and crawl away, just to get some rest.

 

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Sad friday

Sometimes, I have days, nothing works out somehow and things make me feel extreme sad. I guess today, is a day like that.Somehow I feel very, very sad. So sad that my whole body doesn’t have energy to stand up straight, no energy to bother or to care.

I can’t say the day started wrong or anything, it wasn’t that bad. I slept okay, I still do not feel physically supergreat, but it didn’t get worse. I got up, showered, had breakfast, and went to the doc to pick up a reference for new compression stockings for my ‘sick leg’. I wanted to call to make an appointment at the place to get them, but the line was occupied everytime I tried and now they are closed so I didn’t succeed to do that.

Later that I planned, I started my ‘shopping round’ ; I had to do some grocery shopping, buy some random things (cable to fix a computer, things from different shops, and I wanted to look for different catfood since there seems to be a lot of junk in the random stuff you can get at common places, just like food you buy, it’s mostly added crap and it’s not too healthy it seems.) But the catfood was so expensive I couldn’t buy it – The cable for the computer I could not buy at the cheaper shop since they didn’t have any, and I ended up buying an ‘expensive’ cable at a computer store. This, made me feel bad. The shops didn’t have what I wanted, somehow all vegetables were sold out and what they had didn’t look good, it was crowded, and everything was expensive somehow and I started to feel so sad.

Sad, that the most of the foodproducts you can buy, is not so healthy and the people who want to produce them, add much crap to make as much as profit so they can have a lot of money, and you get bad food what is not good for your body.

Sad, becaues nothing worked out and things made me feel so uncomfortable.

Sad, because monday I have ‘the final” interview for a job, and I thought since it has been a while, it might be good to get a haircut.at the hairdresser, I did get a haircut, but it is not so cheap neither, and the hairdresser started asking me questions like if I had a job and if I was on benefits and these things, I probably gave weird answers (no, no job, and no, no benefits, and try to explain this – ugh) and it made me feel more sad.

At a certain point, I decided to stop. I felt so sad, I wanted to sit in the car on the parking lot and cry. But I’m so empty, that there are no tears.

Zombie. I am a zombie.

I drove home. Without buying bread. Without vegetables. Without proper food. Without some other things. With less money, I guess I spend quite a lot (it feels like a lot, for working people with a common salary this is normal or nothing I guess).

And now I feel supersad. Sad, because I spent all this money and nothings comes in.

Sad, because I’m such a loser that I can’t pick up a life and can’t hold on to the fight of making something of life.

Sad, that all these things make me sad and I can’t fight it.

I want to crawl away from the world and not be anymore.
I am invisible. Im someone in trouble and its not valid to the world. I have to make my own way and survive myself. I can’t, Im out of power.

Sometimes, I do not want to be.
I dont want to be here.
I dont want to be part of this world.
I just dont want to feel like this anymore.

I dont want this situation like this anymore.

And I feel like no one helps me, and that I have to deal and fight with everything alone. I guess that’s not true, but its how it feels today.

Nothing at all. Incredible adventure. Nothing at all. Incredible…

“Life is either an incredible adventure, or it is nothing at all”

That’s what a voice spoke in a video. It’s not even that I think this is correct or the way it is or whatever, but somehow it kept stuck in my mind.

Maybe because it’s that I’m feeling quite awful. Yeah, I guess I felt it coming a bit, but it seems that I’m slipping away in a depression again. For over a week now I have trouble to get up, I just don’t want to get out of bed and I spend way more time in bed than usual. There’s no reason to get up, and if I’m up all I can think of is crawl back into bed again.

I don’t care about well eating, it feels like I’m living in thick fog, that I’m not real, in a fake world, and that I function more slower and less sharp and aware than usual. All warning signs. There are more, but I don’t have the energy to use my head too much and point and analyse everything completely to the point. I hate to be in the outside world, I don’t want to face people.

I just feel awful. I’m really trying not to let it get me, but all I want is to hide and sleep and lie in bed because I don’t know what to do with myself. I force myself to go out and dress and shower and such, but it’s really difficult and heavy. Yesterday I went to visit a friend, but I didn’t talk much and I didn’t feel like anything. I just sat there, I said I felt down, so they didn’t push too much, but I could notice she was worried.

Everything feels like it weights like a ton. Everything is a survival competition.

And yet, I’m not doing anything.

Meh.

heartless

No, I don’t want to wake up

No, I don’t want to face the world,

No, I don’t want to be alive,

Because everything is cold.

 

Once, I used to have hopes

I used to have dreams

But it was all erased,

There is nothing to raise for

anymore

and a heart can

never

never

be replaced.