Probably, this post is not going to make a lot of sense. A lot of things happened, but I’m tired, if not exhausted, from talking, from trying to find my words, even if I didn’t say anything on here.
With a lot of ups and downs, there will be something clear, unless a miracle happens, but miracles don’t happen. My grandma will die.
It seems that she got wrong medication and that damaged her. Because the doctor didn’t show up. A week later, via via some other doctor was warned, and he did show up. If that didn’t happen she would have been already gone, but it’s too late anyway, so it seems.
It seems that a flu, and a bacteria in a hospital mean the difference between life and death. It seems that she knows, she won’t make it anymore.
I’m asked to say goodbye via Skype. How can I say goodbye via Skype. What do you say and how do you do when you know it’s the last time you will see someone alive?
It’s one of the hardest things I can imagine to do. I’m not sure if I can.
Yet, I have to. I’m a coward, and what if I was the one who would die? Would I like to see people? I guess so.
My heart breaks in pieces again. Another death coming up. Well, the others I didn’t expect. This one seems ‘predictable’.
But how many days, or hours?
The most difficult decisions have to be made. When, how, what?Where?
One thing is clear: no one wants her to suffer anymore. She suffered a lot.
15 years she had a very serious illness, but she is very strong, with so much willpower. She thought she’d beat the virus, 2 days ago. Today, she realized it was not. Her lungs are too weak. Her body has no backup anymore. The for weeks going on antibiotics are keeping her alive, but she can never again do without it and without it it’s over too.
What kind of life is that?
I imagine her children, my mom, my aunt, my uncle, saying goodbye to her for the last time.
Holding a hand. Sleep. Last breath. And then: cold.
An existence is gone.
It’s not like that, it’s what plays in my head.
It’s so cruel. How can you ever recover from something like that? It’s one of the most terrible pains that can happen, if not the most terrible.
Miracle – if you exist, can you happen now, maybe?
I know life is not forever. I know we’re not immortal. But this is not a good end.
How do I keep standing next week. When I know it will be over. When I have to be there at my new job. What do I say, what do I do? Do I just go and sit and pretend. Do I tell anyone? Whats the point of telling anyone?
ANyway, it doesn’t matter, it’s just cruel. It’s just cruel.