Trying to figure things out (again and again)

Lately I still have a lot of trouble to write, but I’m trying. Trying to clear things up for myself and trying to get out of this negative atmosphere, because depression is attacking me again. It’s like fighting a battle with an invisible enemy; it’s always lurking around, but you never know when it’s going to strike. You can’t really prepare, because it gets you in unexpected moments. It has been like that for a while. And maybe, when I’m honest, and if I see things right, my life has actually been like that for the last 15 years. Maybe more.

Right now I’ve been three weeks at home from work, and honestly? I don’t really mind. I don’t miss work. And I am not even sure if I even want to go back. But I find it hard to ‘calm down’ and relax.In 1,5 week I have to see a doctor about this. I have no clue what the outcome will be. He or she seems to be the only one who is allowed to give any decent advice.

The last few weeks I’m going a bit up and down, from neutral to down to okayish to down and back and forth. Sometimes I get grumpy for no good reason, and sometimes I have this weird ‘everything is too much’ in my head that really gives me insane behaviour and I walk around like crazy and have these weird sensations in my body. This is something I find superhard to control. Overall, I’m just tired and I tend to sleep all the time, but I don’t allow myself. I know it’s no good.

But there are a few things I want to change. Like a long time, I want to change. But I don’t really succeed. At least never for long. I don’t know why, but I seem to have a big big lack of motivation, of willpower. I just don’t understand how other people can keep up with things.

I have to figure out what I want. What my qualities are, and what kind of job would suit me or what I would like. Now that doesn’t sound so difficult, but it is. I don’t really know.

A couple of weeks ago I got myself an indoboard to train my balance, which I try to do regularly but it is still hard for me. I hope I can keep this up. My balance is not so great. Also, a couple of days ago I was at my parents house and they have a scale. I know I’m a bit on the heavy side, but I don’t have a scale and I don’t want to feel worse about myself so I never check. But I couldn’t help myself and weighed myself. Oops.  It has never been so high. This is bad. Like yeah, not good at all. I should at least lose 20 kilo’s. But I can’t really seem to lose weight. Like I have a hard time to let things go, my body also seems not really to be able to ‘let go’.

I have quit Jiu Jitsu a while ago. It was too difficult to make it all the time to get there (thanks to work a bit as well) and I’ve been feeling soooo disconnected from the others and making no progress, that it was too much frustration for me. I hadn’t been there in ages so I decided to stop, because I was paying for more than 6 months without having been there. It took a while but I finally managed to quit it officially.

Last week I bought a suspension trainer to hope to start a regular exercise and get my body in shape. So I have an option to train inside at home too. Still have to figure out how to attach it. Anyway, I just hope I will manage something. Because way back, I used to practise a lot of sports and it just feels so much better to be in shape. But to get there, seems like an almost impossible thing. I’m so tired, and so not in shape.

So far my inside thoughts. I will try to write something positive next time.


Sorrow without tears

a tree without its leaf-
a rose without its grief-
needless to say
it’s like the grass without the rain
it’s the night without the day

the glass without water,
the paper without  pencil

it’s as you stare at the clock
but no matter what, it isn’t moving

and still time goes by.



The fire


Why do they even call it the fire, when it’s not something that is literally burning?
Is it about the light? The warmth? The flame?

For a little while, life was so simple. All I had to take care of, was to get through the day, to find water, and food, and a shelter. To make it to the next place, or just make it through the day, but it’s a different making through the day as it is here. It’s kind of hard to explain, I don’t know how I can explain it with words, because they never have the load or the real meaning they have when it’s reality.

What is the fire inside of you?

What is the fire inside of me?

Can you answer this question for yourself? Can I answer this question for me?

The weird thing is that sometimes you think you know, but you are never sure. Or maybe you just assume. Or it changes, from time to time. I don’t know, I guess sometimes it’s just rather confusing.

Fire. What’s your fire? What’s my fire.

Is it the fire that keeps you moving?
Is it the fire that keeps you warm?
Or is it the fire that melts your heart?

Regrets over coffee


From behind the drivers seat, I grab my bag,

the bag that’s lying there for hours untouched, out of function, in a wintersleep.

Outside the rain pours down, but it’s time for a break in this december storm

The raindrops keep falling on my head, no matter how fast I walk or run

With a coffee I walk back

Coffee, which I’m not even fond of so much but yeah,

Rain pouring down from the sky,

Thoughts pouring down with questions like why,

Regret, oh sweet regret,

Why can’t you

just be something else?

Savoury sweet


The taste of something undefined,

liquid and solid, forever temporary.

I touch your hair, I sense your presence,

Are you really there?


In the dark, my eyes can’t see.

But I feel you

Just somewhere in a place in me

That’s called heart.

And I could not wish

for more.

When you know, a life will end.

Probably, this post is not going to make a lot of sense. A lot of things happened, but I’m tired, if not exhausted, from talking, from trying to find my words, even if I didn’t say anything on here.

With a lot of ups and downs, there will be something clear, unless a miracle happens, but miracles don’t happen. My grandma will die.

It seems that she got wrong medication and that damaged her. Because the doctor didn’t show up. A week later, via via some other doctor was warned, and he did show up. If that didn’t happen she would have been already gone, but it’s too late anyway, so it seems.

It seems that a flu, and a bacteria in a hospital mean the difference between life and death. It seems that she knows, she won’t make it anymore.

It’s weird.

I’m asked to say goodbye via Skype. How can I say goodbye via Skype. What do you say and how do you do when you know it’s the last time you will see someone alive?
It’s one of the hardest things I can imagine to do. I’m not sure if I can.

Yet, I have to. I’m a coward, and what if I was the one who would die? Would I like to see people? I guess so.

My heart breaks in pieces again. Another death coming up. Well, the others I didn’t expect. This one seems ‘predictable’.

But how many days, or hours?

The most difficult decisions have to be made. When, how, what?Where?

One thing is clear: no one wants her to suffer anymore. She suffered a lot.

15 years she had a very serious illness, but she is very strong, with so much willpower. She thought she’d beat the virus, 2 days ago. Today, she realized it was not. Her lungs are too weak. Her body has no backup anymore. The for weeks going on antibiotics are keeping her alive, but she can never again do without it and without it it’s over too.

What kind of life is that?

I imagine her children, my mom, my aunt, my uncle, saying goodbye to her for the last time.


Holding a hand. Sleep. Last breath. And then: cold.

An existence is gone.

It’s not like that, it’s what plays in my head.

It’s so cruel. How can you ever recover from something like that? It’s one of the most terrible pains that can happen, if not the most terrible.

Miracle – if you exist, can you happen now, maybe?

I know life is not forever. I know we’re not immortal. But this is not a good end.

How do I keep standing next week. When I know it will be over. When I have to be there at my new job. What do I say, what do I do? Do I just go and sit and pretend. Do I tell anyone? Whats the point of telling anyone?

ANyway, it doesn’t matter, it’s just cruel. It’s just cruel.


Little surprises

Sometimes something small, can mean something big.

Today, I found a sweet creation in the mail, made by the person I love.

After a terrible day yesterday (depressed), and after a sad morning in bed today, this turned a smile on my face and a smile in my heart.


This small thing, means a lot to me.

And for now, my feelings of sadness have faded away. I’m sitting here with the envelope, the things inside, and all I can do is smile.

I love you, person I love. I really really love you.

ps. I can’t find my colored pencils, so the drawing is just like this for now. They dissapeared somewhere in messy mountain resort.

A difficult sunrise and a heart of gold


When we leave the house, it’s dark outside. The streets are empty and most people are still sleeping – there are no signs of life. I turn on the car, and we drive off. An empty highway, and music playing softly. Sometimes shortly, I hold the hand of I-love-very-much-far-away-friend. A few times I have to fight my emotions, but tears are slipping away from my eyes. This drive is not one I want. She’s leaving. I don’t want to wave bye on the airport. I want to stay with her. I want her to stay with me.

Last week, I drove to this airport. as well.  And I had to cry several times. I don’t know what happened to me, but I feel like I’m an emotional mess – crying about silly things. Even in public, I can not fight my tears.

A few hours ago we were lying in bed together, sleeping. A day ago, I thought; 24 hours left. I don’t want to count down the time, but it happens. I tried not to think about it, but leaving time was coming, and it made me feel sad inside. I woke up at 2:59 am. Thinking that within 12 hours, I would be alone again. Thinking about how happy she makes me, how much life becomes nicer and is nicer, with her. Thinking about how happy I sometimes felt lately. How beautiful she is, in and out side. How my depressions fade away. How different I feel when we are together. How beautiful life is with her.

And on, and on, and on.

When we drove to the airport, we saw the sunrise. It was a very, very beautiful sunrise. Empty highways, yellow-pink sky. We both watch it in silence. It’s a moment you want to last forever, tough yet you don’t want it to last forever since then it wouldn’t be so nice anymore but still.

At the airport, the tears came again. I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried. I felt like I was the only one at the airport crying , and I couldn’t stop. I wanted to be strong, tell her how much I love her and how happy she makes me and say positive things, that she will feel good and not see me crying. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

I kissed her. Realizing that this kiss would be the last real kiss in a while. Realizing that this hug will be the real last hug in some time. I know I will see her again, but I don’t want to be so far away from her. I don’t want to wait for months. All I want, is to be with her. To be close, to her.

Now I start to understand how it really feels when your loved one is far away from you. The things she told me, now I have an explosion of feelings how it feels. Of course I missed her, but in time, feelings seem to fade. I get numb when I don’t see her for a certain amount of time. And yet I know the feelings are somewhere, things just get numb to survive and make it bearable?

I stood outside on the platform, watching her plane getting ready for departure. My parking tiime expired, but I didn’t go back because I didn’t want to miss the plane. I watched the plane leaving. Tears and tears and tears.

Why am I not in that plane? Why the hell am I such a wussy I just don’t take the leap and be with her? Because, I have to arrange some things. Because, she has to finish some things. Finish her work there.

I walk back to the car. Alone. Tears. I take a deep breath. Drive away from the airport, and every mile, every kilometer, is one further away from her. Our paths get distant again. For a while I know, just for a while.

i-love-very-much-far-away-friend is in the plane in the sky.
I’m here in the car alone.

I turn on the radio and  ‘A heart of gold is playing’.

A heart of gold.

Yeah, she really has a heart of gold.

but for now, my heart is stuck in tears. Why does this sting like hell? Why do I keep crying? Why are these emotions so heavy?


upside down


It rains out of this heart,

and little pieces, fall and fall and fall

into and endless black hole pool

The stars can’t do nothing but observe

and like the moon can be upside down,

heart has a different view on the world now,

and flips upside down,

opens the gate

and floods

piece by piece

by piece.


Can’t wait for you to come


It’s coming close, counting down the days

I can see myself, driving to the airport, standing at the airport, waiting for you.
I can see you coming out of the plane, waiting for your luggage, stepping through the door

I can imagine me, the thoughts in my head, the feelings in my heart                                       I can imagine you, the smile on your face, the look in your eyes. I can see you , I can see me.

And I can’t wait untill you are here.