About being a raindrop

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Sometimes all that is, is that you are just there. You just exist, like one raindrop in a rainshower. You can’t do otherwise but to keep falling with the rest. You can’t do otherwise but to go down. The other raindrops surrounding you don’t give you any space to move. All you can do is wait untill you hit the bottom and splash apart.

Being absorbed by the soil, or being moved on concrete through a fast lane before you dissapear in the depths down there.

That’s how I feel. That’s my mood I guess. And no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you fight, sometimes all you can do is let it happen.

 

 

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The tornado of pain

Going from neutral to low. From low to neutral. And down again to low. It’s tiring to have to make so much effort to stay neutral. I’m trying. Really. I try to follow the advice of my new psychologist – but it’s hard and I already forgot half of what she said.

That head of mine.

Sometimes I have these thoughts in my head, and they maybe make me sound insane, but I guess they are just there because I think I’m in pain.

Then I think I wish I would drink, or I would have been an alcoholic, because then I would drink until I would feel completely numb. Or I think that if I would have been a user of drugs, I would take so much I would be completely out of this world. Sometimes I do wonder how it feels to take cocaine, or heroin, or stuff like that. If it really feels so good that you can’t resist it. Because honestly, I can not imagine that something feels so good that you want nothing else anymore. I can’t imagine that exists. At least not right now.

But I’m none of those. So it will not happen. And I  guess I just have these thoughts because I’m in pain. Or I think I am, but I don’t really know why.

 

 

But I guess I’ll do what the nurse and the new psychologist both said. The nurse said it several times even, also stating she’s not particularly fond of medication. But they both told me they thought it would be good for me to go in for medication. So I made an appointment at the doctor, to ask for an antidepressant.

It’s not that I’m totally against it, but there is a huge block for me. Because last time I was on this stuff and due some circumstances I had to stop at once, there was no help. Nor the hospital nor the mental health service was there. They would just point at each other.  I was completely on my own. And I promised myself that would never happen again. Because it is so horrible. I never want to go through that again.

So I feel a bit stuck. Stuck to not have it. Stuck to have to get it again and taking the risk of something I never want to happen again.

 

 

 

When the sun goes down

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Sometimes,
or maybe just once,
all the colors of the world dissapear,
and you sink in to the deep
where there is no light

You sit on the bottom of the cave
and can’t fall deeper,
but can’t climb – you’re completely stuck

I don’t know what is worse,
but all I know is
that even if you’re on the bottom of the cave

and when the sun goes down
it does come up again
even if you can not bear the light.

Not forgotten sorrow

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I did not forget -I tried to

But I know it always follows me

and I can run and I can hide – but it will always find me.

 

I guess this is my life

and things don’t get better, because maybe this is the best it can be

 

And sometimes

I’m just going under

Under the pressure

Under the pain

 

And sometimes I wish so badly
I was a drug addict and I could drug away my pain

I was an alcoholic and I could drink away my pain

I was a smoker and I could smoke away my pain

 

But I’m none of them

I’m just here with my pain.

Closer to the pain

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An alarm clock, and it’s dark outside.

I hear the wind, and the rain.

A brand new day, a brand new day of misery.

eating breakfast like everything is allright

a shower and the trip to work.

Fake smiles,

pretending everything is okay

but inside stings

reveal the pain.

and trying to hang on so hard

but the pressure is enormous

and every day, again and again

a brand new day starts.

A brand new day.

Out of reach –

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You see, the future. But you don’t feel it. You can’t.

You once hoped. But you don’t hope anymore. You can’t.

You once tried to fight. But you just go with the flow now. Because it feels like the only managable option.

You see beauty in the destroyed. You see pain in the destroyed.

The conflicts, the everlasting conflicts.

You know. You feel. But you don’t really know.

You see peace in the abandoned. You feel peace in the abandoned.

But you can not grasp it.

You can’t.

You just can not.

 

The last weekend of four wisdom teeth.

It was the last weekend I had four wisdom teeth. After this weekend, everything would change: I would have 3 wisdom teeth left. I didn’t really want to say goodbye to the unfortunate wisdom tooth; but according to different dentists, who had been mentioning it fa few times, it had to get out. To avoid futher trouble.

3 years ago the first one mentioned it. I didn’t do it. It’s my tooth, it belongs to me, and it doesn’t cause trouble. 2 years ago another one mentioned it. It was not the right time, since I would be leaving soon abroad, and it was not in a hurry, the dentist said. And then, the year later, the dentist mentioned it again and gave me a referral to the dental surgeon in the hospital. The letter was on my desk for months. The year coming to and end, health insurance will change again, probably not in a good way, so: it had to be done now.

I called the hospital, and I expected long waiting lists. But I was wrong, within two weeks it was my turn.In the morning I went to work; it would be better for distraction. I was not particularly worried though – I didn’t like it, but I knew it had to be done. I went to the hospital. I was a bit nervous. First they made X-rays, then I got anesthesia. Then it happened.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough anesthesia, so I got another injection during the treatment. It didn;t go easy – the tooth didn’t want to go out. My mouth is not to wide neither, so it was a bit hard to reach. That the tooth was turned a bit and stuck behind another tooth wasn’t helpful too. The surgeon tore and tore at my jaw and drilled and drilled.

Pieces of the tooth broke. He tore and tore and drilled again. Finally, after a lot of pushing, tearing and drilling, the tooth said bye.

I asked if I could keep my tooth – it’s still a part of me after all, even if it’s out.

Tooth & I went home, after picking up painkillers. For two days I could barely open my mouth. Eating and talking were difficult. I wasn’t particularly in pain, just opening my mouth was difficult. The only thing that hurts and is very annoying, is my jaw. It’s a miracle my jaw didn’t break. But all that tearing didn’t do any good. Half of my head hurts and doesn’t feel so nice. My whole left jaw is irritating. I also feel very tired – I don’t know why, but I want to sleep all day and night.

The tooth? Is lying next to me on my desk. It stares at me. I stare at the tooth.

We both have questions, but no answers.