When the sun goes down

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Sometimes,
or maybe just once,
all the colors of the world dissapear,
and you sink in to the deep
where there is no light

You sit on the bottom of the cave
and can’t fall deeper,
but can’t climb – you’re completely stuck

I don’t know what is worse,
but all I know is
that even if you’re on the bottom of the cave

and when the sun goes down
it does come up again
even if you can not bear the light.

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Not forgotten sorrow

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I did not forget -I tried to

But I know it always follows me

and I can run and I can hide – but it will always find me.

 

I guess this is my life

and things don’t get better, because maybe this is the best it can be

 

And sometimes

I’m just going under

Under the pressure

Under the pain

 

And sometimes I wish so badly
I was a drug addict and I could drug away my pain

I was an alcoholic and I could drink away my pain

I was a smoker and I could smoke away my pain

 

But I’m none of them

I’m just here with my pain.

Closer to the pain

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An alarm clock, and it’s dark outside.

I hear the wind, and the rain.

A brand new day, a brand new day of misery.

eating breakfast like everything is allright

a shower and the trip to work.

Fake smiles,

pretending everything is okay

but inside stings

reveal the pain.

and trying to hang on so hard

but the pressure is enormous

and every day, again and again

a brand new day starts.

A brand new day.

Out of reach –

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You see, the future. But you don’t feel it. You can’t.

You once hoped. But you don’t hope anymore. You can’t.

You once tried to fight. But you just go with the flow now. Because it feels like the only managable option.

You see beauty in the destroyed. You see pain in the destroyed.

The conflicts, the everlasting conflicts.

You know. You feel. But you don’t really know.

You see peace in the abandoned. You feel peace in the abandoned.

But you can not grasp it.

You can’t.

You just can not.

 

The last weekend of four wisdom teeth.

It was the last weekend I had four wisdom teeth. After this weekend, everything would change: I would have 3 wisdom teeth left. I didn’t really want to say goodbye to the unfortunate wisdom tooth; but according to different dentists, who had been mentioning it fa few times, it had to get out. To avoid futher trouble.

3 years ago the first one mentioned it. I didn’t do it. It’s my tooth, it belongs to me, and it doesn’t cause trouble. 2 years ago another one mentioned it. It was not the right time, since I would be leaving soon abroad, and it was not in a hurry, the dentist said. And then, the year later, the dentist mentioned it again and gave me a referral to the dental surgeon in the hospital. The letter was on my desk for months. The year coming to and end, health insurance will change again, probably not in a good way, so: it had to be done now.

I called the hospital, and I expected long waiting lists. But I was wrong, within two weeks it was my turn.In the morning I went to work; it would be better for distraction. I was not particularly worried though – I didn’t like it, but I knew it had to be done. I went to the hospital. I was a bit nervous. First they made X-rays, then I got anesthesia. Then it happened.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough anesthesia, so I got another injection during the treatment. It didn;t go easy – the tooth didn’t want to go out. My mouth is not to wide neither, so it was a bit hard to reach. That the tooth was turned a bit and stuck behind another tooth wasn’t helpful too. The surgeon tore and tore at my jaw and drilled and drilled.

Pieces of the tooth broke. He tore and tore and drilled again. Finally, after a lot of pushing, tearing and drilling, the tooth said bye.

I asked if I could keep my tooth – it’s still a part of me after all, even if it’s out.

Tooth & I went home, after picking up painkillers. For two days I could barely open my mouth. Eating and talking were difficult. I wasn’t particularly in pain, just opening my mouth was difficult. The only thing that hurts and is very annoying, is my jaw. It’s a miracle my jaw didn’t break. But all that tearing didn’t do any good. Half of my head hurts and doesn’t feel so nice. My whole left jaw is irritating. I also feel very tired – I don’t know why, but I want to sleep all day and night.

The tooth? Is lying next to me on my desk. It stares at me. I stare at the tooth.

We both have questions, but no answers.

Tear.drop.

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It has been searching its way,

It has been trying so hard,

but everytime with every new road,

it fell.

It has questioned itsself,

It has challenged itsself,

but only rarely, it moved forward.

Sometimes, it’s tired,

and all it can do,

is stay there for a while in agony

untill the storm passes

and slowly

get up again.

Toxic.

TOXIC

New year. New chances. New hopes.

New pressure. Again pressure. Pressure never really was away. Always lurking around the corner.

And especially today, I realize, or it has been made clear, that I’m in a very toxic environment.

I don’t have a home

I am not free

I can not be myself

I have no rights here

This life is living me and I can’t escape it

because I’ll be the one to put the blame

and it’s just wrong

I can’t get air
I can’t breathe.

Sometimes it seems like everything is working against me
There is no support for me
That I don’t deserve support
That I don’t deserve positive things
That I don’t deserve oxygen
That I don’t deserve space to be myself

I’m surrounded by poison

Very toxic poison.

I need an antidote.

 

(I’m truly sorry; Haven’t been able to keep up with blog world, nor read or respond; I’m in survival mode – but the best wishes out there, I truly hope the New Year started well for you all and will be a good year.)