When the sun goes down

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Sometimes,
or maybe just once,
all the colors of the world dissapear,
and you sink in to the deep
where there is no light

You sit on the bottom of the cave
and can’t fall deeper,
but can’t climb – you’re completely stuck

I don’t know what is worse,
but all I know is
that even if you’re on the bottom of the cave

and when the sun goes down
it does come up again
even if you can not bear the light.

it’s all that i am

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The first thing you can’t miss is the darkness, or the void.
It’s like having two faces, or a faceless face.
A nothing becomes a huge void, and it grows so large that you can’t see the edges, no matter how long you stare. You can not really look for it either. You can only sense it.

There is nothing left to say, because this is all that I am. And everything that I am not.
Probably it doesn’t make sense if you don’t know the touch of it, but if you do, I do not even need to explain this. It’s harder to grasp than the darkness when the lights fall out. It’s harder to grasp because you can only know if you know.

And where the streets end into the wild, that is maybe where the peace comes back. Though the bitter truth is that you can’t escape it. Sometimes you want to fake it, because the pain becomes so strong that you can’t get rid of it. It’s a pain you can not fight.

you should have forgotten about me
I should have forgotten about you

but should is not the truth

and what keeps me on this line
and I hate it
and I appreciate it
maybe I love it, but I don’t know that now.

All I know is that it’s difficult. Like really difficult.

 

Where the eye can’t see, the head can’t look.

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A perfect silence drawing the sky
Flashes and lightning where darkness can’t be shy
Wilderness hidden in the depths of the woods
For every leaf that’s taken
and every forgotten moods
It’s just out of the fields, where deers come at night
Where the rabbits hear thunder
That is where it might.

Silent sun

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Outside, there is life. Outside, there is sun. The brightness and happiness, and where life happens.

Inside, there is me. Inside, there is darkness. A world of apathy, numbness and no energy.

A world where a smile hurts. A world where nothing seems to matter.

I pretend I see the sun, and just remain silent.

Maybe I was wrong

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Here I am.

Breadcrumbs on the concrete,

and it’s raining.  But not from the sky.

There are several ways to go from here,

though I don’t know which one to take and why.

Maybe I was wrong,

Maybe I could have known, or maybe not.

 

All I know is that I’m sitting here,

with breadcrumbs on the concrete,

and rain that

does not fall

from the sky.

 

 

 

It’s not dark enough

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A brand new day. A sun shines, and it shines in every corner. There is no darkness. There is no place to run or hide, because the light reaches everything. No matter what I do, how deep I crawl, I can’t hide myself from this “outside” world. You can’t run and you can’t hide – keeps repeating in my head, even if it’s not a voice that speaks. I can see those words literally flash by in my mind.I see the words. They don’t leave me alone.

There are these days, that the light is so bright, that the world seems unbearable. That you just want to crawl away, into darkness, just because it gives you space to breathe. Breathe, and rest, that you can’t get in the light. And even your sunglasses do not help you at all. The light just comes through. No matter what you do, no matter how deep the cave is where you hide, you stay visible.

Sometimes all you want is stay in the darkness, let the world pass and crawl away, just to get some rest.

 

Tears from happiness

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When I look at the pictures, of us, all I can do, is smile. I guess the sun, reached my heart (finally).

Sometimes it is still a bit unreal. I remember a moment, while you were sitting next to me, and it almost seemed unreal to me. But you were there. I touched you. You were there.

And you are here, even if we’re not physically close, you are there. I know.

For a long time, I lived in despair, in numbness, in an abandoned place, in a place where hope was not part of the dictionary. Sometimes it’s still unreal: is it real? Am I not faking myself?

But I have tears. Tears of happiness, because I love you so much, you can’t imagine. Tears because it hurts me that there are such beautiful things out there, in this world, things I haven’t felt or seen for a long time. Things that touched my heart. You, you touched my heart.

I have tears, because I didn’t feel something so beautiful, for a long time. I forgot this. I didn’t see this. I didnt feel this. Maybe it was never there. I don’t know, I can not remember I ever felt these things. And now, it’s just here.

It is just here.

And I can fight the darkness. I can fight my darkness.

 

 

Off route

capture this fragile image;

the movement on the streets,

which consists of leaves taken by the autumn wind,

movement in the air, caused by the autumn rain.

The street on the left,

and not the dead end road,

asks for forgiveness.

While darkness settled in

and just a few

of the streetlights work – hasn’t been forgotten though.

a lonely hedgehog searches for

some leftovers

hunger – for whatever,

is everywhere.