Sometimes there is no fix

All you see is a drowned leaf in the water; it’s shallow, and clear, but there’s no way you could – or could have-  rescued.

There is no fix, for certain things.

Right now, I’m not having the best time of my life. I always have these periods, and I will always have them. I don’t believe they will ever dissapear. Because the not sleeping aka insomnia continued, and I really felt like I would break down, I went to the doctor. I have a new one, since I moved, and he’s a bit weird in some ways I guess, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with him. He prescribed me some sleeping pills – which is actually what I came for. Last night was the first night I slept again, not enough, but at least I slept.

I remember a part of the conversation. Of course he asked why I couldn’t sleep.

Stress. Stuff. Life. Work. All the usual things, I guess. And, life is just difficult for me. I find life difficult, and it might probably always stay that way.

What he could do for me? I said that I knew he can’t fix my problems. That I know no one can fix my problems, and that some things can’t be fixed. All I wanted was sleep, and so I needed medication now, and he is the key to that.

Because usually I can manage to fix – or control – things in my life.

But sometimes I can’t. And this was now.

I’m not feeling better, I’m feeling low. Just low, not even depressed. But all that I know is that some things, can not be fixed. Not now, not in the past, not in the future.

 

I don’t know.

I’m not sure what is relevant and what is not. Or where to begin.
But I guess I feel hurt because I don’t know. And it’s frustrating me that I don’t know. But if this were easy, I would already have fixed it. But -again- I don’t know – where to begin, or how.

My love is here now. We live togehter. I am happy she is here. I am happy we are together.
But this month, we will not really be together: she is a few hours away till tuesday, on a course that’s part of her job. After she comes back, I will leave for 1,5 week to my survival course in Sweden. After that, we’ll be finally together. Together.

This weekend I’m off. She asked me to come. And what do I do? I still sit here, not moving.
Because work is cutting our hours, I don’t have much work or income. I have to be careful with money, but I still get by – there are just a lot of expenses somehow. She’s in a place I don’t really like because it’s superbusy and crowded (capitalcity). But I love her. And I enjoy being with her, just sitting next to each other is perfect for me.

And after our call yesterday I feel bad. It was not just about this. But it makes me think.

It has a point. I love her. Why am I not pushed to spend every hour, every minute I can to be with her? Why can’t I decide what I want, why is there this I don’t know? The I don’t know what to do?

Is it because I need my rest and preperation for next week? Is it because I don’t like the place too much? Is it because I feel a bit lost and depressed?

But I really don’t know. All I know is that I feel guilty. Guilty about this, towards her.

Really, sometimes I wish I was different.

 

Emptiness hurts

Emptiness doesn’t sound so bad as it actually feels. I mean, empty as in nothing as in apathy or something, I don’t know how to describe it exactly. But nothing doesn’t seem to have a ‘load’ , so how can nothing be anything negative? It sounds neutral, so not positive and not negative.

Emptiness is empty. Like a void. Like nothing. So how can it have something negative, because it should be nothing, like neutral? Does it still make sense or….?

I feel pretty empty lately. Not only empty, also apathetic.I see the summer, but I don’t feel it. I see the sun shine, but I don’t feel it. I see green trees, blue skies, but I don’t feel it.

And I don’t care.

I’m seperated from the world again. I notice the distance growing.

At work, things fall into a void.I don’t care anymore. I don’t feel anything nice anymore. Appearantly it doesn’t matter if you notice problems or things that don’t go well. Appearantly it doesn’t matter if you mention them and try to solve them or not – doesn’t make any difference. The only things that seem to matter are stupid things that don’t make sense to me. I could mention lots of examples: but I’m too tired. It costs too much energy to write.

I have food everyday. I can shower. I can sleep in a bed. But I don’t really care. I don’t feel anything. It’s just something that is there, but without any feeling. Without any load.

I’m in a relationship. But I don’t feel it. Love is far away , distant. And I say this with pain in my heart, but I don’t feel it- I am so sorry love. I know that I love you, but I don’t feel anything now. I am so sorry. How could you even live with me, if this is who I am?If this is how I am?

It’s like something in a museum you can’t touch. It’s far, distant. I don’t feel it right now.

It’s just there.

I have a new house. I should move. Should make it a nice place. Should act. I don’t care. Everything is empty.

I should make future plans and goals. Things I really like to do. But I can’t care – it’s empty, far, I don’t feel it. I dont see it.

I am empty.

I am such an empty person.

I feel empty.

because I am.

And it hurts.

it’s kind of sad, i guess.

A lot of things going on and I could write about so much things. The world is a sad place. So is mine.

I’m feeling pushed, and that people around me don’t give space. And they seem to blame me for it.

Do they even understand what it’s like to feel depressed, that every day is a fight again and just living life is hard enough, but no, everyone wants you to make plans and future goals and whatever all these things, but it’s already hard enough to struggle through each single day. Without future plans, because they are simply too hard. Without goals, because they are simply too far, out of reach and they eat too much energy. Energy that is needed just to get through the day.

I am angry, and at the same time filled with apathy, sadness, sorrow, and a void.

I can not even talk about it, because it makes me too sad.

But I can say is that I feel under a lot of pressure. People pulling at me.

And I feel very alone. Like VERY alone.

I want to crawl away and hide, and not face anyone and not face the world and not live life. And that is not even possible. How pathetic. Seriously.

Silent sun

Outside, there is life. Outside, there is sun. The brightness and happiness, and where life happens.

Inside, there is me. Inside, there is darkness. A world of apathy, numbness and no energy.

A world where a smile hurts. A world where nothing seems to matter.

I pretend I see the sun, and just remain silent.

Closer to the pain

An alarm clock, and it’s dark outside.

I hear the wind, and the rain.

A brand new day, a brand new day of misery.

eating breakfast like everything is allright

a shower and the trip to work.

Fake smiles,

pretending everything is okay

but inside stings

reveal the pain.

and trying to hang on so hard

but the pressure is enormous

and every day, again and again

a brand new day starts.

A brand new day.

numb and meaningless

This week is dissapointing. At work things escalated a bit – everything was too much, I could not handle it anymore, and my head said error.

There was just too much work, and too less time and too less space. I got an extra task here, an extra task there, absent colleagues’ work appeared in my to do box, and so on. It just added and added, and the planners didn’t give me time to do it. I asked several times for some time, but all I got was no – it’s too busy. So I had my own work, work of a few othes, an emergency task in between, and some unexpected visits but no extra time. I couldn’t find time to update myself with the newest information, and so on and on.

Monday things became too much – it was just the first working day of this week, but it went wrong. I started with work from last week, but too much things met. I lost things for a while and couldn’t manage to decide what to do first or what to do and what not; my head said error. Too much work, too less time. I felt bad. That I couldn’t manage to get out of this myself; I know this is a trap. My head spinned and spinned, I saw the work but I was blocked.

I asked help. I went to someone who I don’t go so often, but there was not anyone else to go to and ask for help. But this person reacted cool and much nicer than I expected.

One of the coaches came by, my coach wasn’t present, and we had a talk about all of this. I’m not sure if it made me feel better, but at least he talked to the planners that they can not always say no to me because there is ‘no time’. If I get extra work, they have to give me some time too. Now I just have to keep asking and they have to give me some time. I’m not sure what to think about it, or why it would make a big difference, but I guess I will try.

Some other tasks I kind of dropped completely. I asked at least 10 times to get some time, they didn’t give it to me and they do not plan me anymore for that work, so I put everything in the box for others to pick up – I could not manage to talk to anyone to do that anymore. Fuck it, you dont give me the possibility, I put it back.

I didn’t feel better. I still do not feel better. I go to work, but I don’t feel like I’m doing good work. I do the minimum; I do not care or make work of the work I see. I just do what I’m planned for – I feel like a robot. This is not human. I’m also sad, somehow.

Since the beginning of the week, I can’t get out of bed anymore in the mornings. I sleep bad. I wake up and feel terrible. I go to work, feeling awful, and come back, and do nothing but sit.

Work is not so nice anymore now. I am not so nice anymore now.

And everything feels empty, numb and meaningless again.