Struggles turning into battles?

Right now, I find myself in a place where I don’t want to be.

I feel nauseaus in my stomach, my body feels stressed, my breath is not in my stomach but high almost in my throat. I feel shaky and bad.

What happened? Yeah, what happened.
This week I had to go to 4 hours of work a day. It seems that it is too much. It costs me a lot of energy and even if it’s just one hour a day, it really seems to be too much.
Anyway.
Yesterday it went wrong, I had a lot of anxiety and stress reactions even before work started. I didn’t really do anything at work. I notice this in my breahting, trembling of my hand, and kind of panic or anxiety attacks. I know they make no sense, but they happen.

Today was a little bit better, but I did not do any work, and I left one hour earlier, I went back to 3 hours and that will be the case next week, unless it goes really well and I can make it to 4. Agreed on this in a talk with manager and someone who was my coach in the past yesterday.

I called the job agency to tell them this. Like inform. But the phonecall was not so nice. It made me feel so much worse. I just told them that I couldnt make it up to the schedule and 4 hours a day and that it seemed to much, so we went one hour down again. But then – I don’t recall it exactly, but the main points were –
-I had to realize that people do actually care about me and try to help me, and that they do what they can. I said I knew that, and yes I know that.
-I am unhappy, I said that agreed on that. It’s just true, I am not happy right now.
– I have to ask myself if I want to stay there for the last 2 months I’m supposed to. Because maybe it would be enough for my employer and they would want to end it. Yeah of course they want to get rid of someone who is disfunctioning and sick. But why say this? Is it a way of telling me they want to get rid of me now? They rather see me go than stay?
-they dont want me to drop out for 100%. We’re working to get myself better and ready for another job, not becoming worse. Yeah well……all of this is a bit mixed up now probably, but then

And then telling me not to worry and relax in the weekend. And we’ll see again next week.

But now, I feel so much worse.

• Does this mean they want to get rid of me now, and that my recovery doesnt go fast enough?
• Does this mean they think I am not doing my best?
• Does this mean they want to get rid of me?
• Does this mean they hope I will quit myself now
• Does this mean ………like what?

I really don’t see it. I just know that my stress reactions in my body go up right now, and I feel really not nice.

Do I see things wrong?

I am doing my best not to feel worse, but I feel tensed, and my body is full of stress and not nice feelings in my stomach. I don’t want to eat, but I’m hungry. (all week, almost). I feel instable, like I can collapse sometimes. These I think are signs of stress and anxiety.

What am I supposed to do?

I just hope this was a bad week or a bad few days and it turns better next week, but really, I don’t know how to think, what to think or how to behave. I just wish I knew where to find something or someone that can help me. But I don’t , really.

I see the nurse again in 2 weeks. She told me if it doesn’t go it doesn’t go. Easy as that. And then I just call in sick. But that does not really fix things right. I have to improve at a certain point. I just don;’t know anymore right now.

All I know is that I don’t feel particularly good after this last phonecall.

And that was the doctor..

Today I had an appointment with this doctor that is hired by the job agency. He’s the only one who is allowed to give advice. I found him a bit quick somehow, like I expected to tell more in detail what caused all of this, but he seemed only interested in the essentials/basics. This part made me a bit unhappy. But he found it ‘legitimate’ that I called in sick. So that is the good part , I guess. But I found it pretty superficially – the whole thing. I was not sure what to expect but I thought it would go a bit ‘deeper’. Causes, real examples, stuff like that.  Maybe a wrong expectation.

He said he thinks it’s being overworked, and he wants me to start working again slowly. But that I can’t do anything stressful and I need structure. He will put that in his advice. And I kind of have to follow that. Starting with two hours a day and slowly building up. I have to go see him in six weeks. If things do not go better or did not change, he will refer me to some special psychologists that are also hired by my employer. Tomorrow I will call the ‘sickservice’ to see with them how we do this.

I don’t know if I’m happy or not. I’m afraid nothing will change at work anyway. I don’t see how this can get better, but maybe that is my depressed view at things.

I feel depressed today. Like, really depressed. I just hope tomorrow is better.

 

Sometimes there is no fix

All you see is a drowned leaf in the water; it’s shallow, and clear, but there’s no way you could – or could have-  rescued.

There is no fix, for certain things.

Right now, I’m not having the best time of my life. I always have these periods, and I will always have them. I don’t believe they will ever dissapear. Because the not sleeping aka insomnia continued, and I really felt like I would break down, I went to the doctor. I have a new one, since I moved, and he’s a bit weird in some ways I guess, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with him. He prescribed me some sleeping pills – which is actually what I came for. Last night was the first night I slept again, not enough, but at least I slept.

I remember a part of the conversation. Of course he asked why I couldn’t sleep.

Stress. Stuff. Life. Work. All the usual things, I guess. And, life is just difficult for me. I find life difficult, and it might probably always stay that way.

What he could do for me? I said that I knew he can’t fix my problems. That I know no one can fix my problems, and that some things can’t be fixed. All I wanted was sleep, and so I needed medication now, and he is the key to that.

Because usually I can manage to fix – or control – things in my life.

But sometimes I can’t. And this was now.

I’m not feeling better, I’m feeling low. Just low, not even depressed. But all that I know is that some things, can not be fixed. Not now, not in the past, not in the future.

 

I don’t know.

I’m not sure what is relevant and what is not. Or where to begin.
But I guess I feel hurt because I don’t know. And it’s frustrating me that I don’t know. But if this were easy, I would already have fixed it. But -again- I don’t know – where to begin, or how.

My love is here now. We live togehter. I am happy she is here. I am happy we are together.
But this month, we will not really be together: she is a few hours away till tuesday, on a course that’s part of her job. After she comes back, I will leave for 1,5 week to my survival course in Sweden. After that, we’ll be finally together. Together.

This weekend I’m off. She asked me to come. And what do I do? I still sit here, not moving.
Because work is cutting our hours, I don’t have much work or income. I have to be careful with money, but I still get by – there are just a lot of expenses somehow. She’s in a place I don’t really like because it’s superbusy and crowded (capitalcity). But I love her. And I enjoy being with her, just sitting next to each other is perfect for me.

And after our call yesterday I feel bad. It was not just about this. But it makes me think.

It has a point. I love her. Why am I not pushed to spend every hour, every minute I can to be with her? Why can’t I decide what I want, why is there this I don’t know? The I don’t know what to do?

Is it because I need my rest and preperation for next week? Is it because I don’t like the place too much? Is it because I feel a bit lost and depressed?

But I really don’t know. All I know is that I feel guilty. Guilty about this, towards her.

Really, sometimes I wish I was different.

 

Emptiness hurts

Emptiness doesn’t sound so bad as it actually feels. I mean, empty as in nothing as in apathy or something, I don’t know how to describe it exactly. But nothing doesn’t seem to have a ‘load’ , so how can nothing be anything negative? It sounds neutral, so not positive and not negative.

Emptiness is empty. Like a void. Like nothing. So how can it have something negative, because it should be nothing, like neutral? Does it still make sense or….?

I feel pretty empty lately. Not only empty, also apathetic.I see the summer, but I don’t feel it. I see the sun shine, but I don’t feel it. I see green trees, blue skies, but I don’t feel it.

And I don’t care.

I’m seperated from the world again. I notice the distance growing.

At work, things fall into a void.I don’t care anymore. I don’t feel anything nice anymore. Appearantly it doesn’t matter if you notice problems or things that don’t go well. Appearantly it doesn’t matter if you mention them and try to solve them or not – doesn’t make any difference. The only things that seem to matter are stupid things that don’t make sense to me. I could mention lots of examples: but I’m too tired. It costs too much energy to write.

I have food everyday. I can shower. I can sleep in a bed. But I don’t really care. I don’t feel anything. It’s just something that is there, but without any feeling. Without any load.

I’m in a relationship. But I don’t feel it. Love is far away , distant. And I say this with pain in my heart, but I don’t feel it- I am so sorry love. I know that I love you, but I don’t feel anything now. I am so sorry. How could you even live with me, if this is who I am?If this is how I am?

It’s like something in a museum you can’t touch. It’s far, distant. I don’t feel it right now.

It’s just there.

I have a new house. I should move. Should make it a nice place. Should act. I don’t care. Everything is empty.

I should make future plans and goals. Things I really like to do. But I can’t care – it’s empty, far, I don’t feel it. I dont see it.

I am empty.

I am such an empty person.

I feel empty.

because I am.

And it hurts.

it’s kind of sad, i guess.

A lot of things going on and I could write about so much things. The world is a sad place. So is mine.

I’m feeling pushed, and that people around me don’t give space. And they seem to blame me for it.

Do they even understand what it’s like to feel depressed, that every day is a fight again and just living life is hard enough, but no, everyone wants you to make plans and future goals and whatever all these things, but it’s already hard enough to struggle through each single day. Without future plans, because they are simply too hard. Without goals, because they are simply too far, out of reach and they eat too much energy. Energy that is needed just to get through the day.

I am angry, and at the same time filled with apathy, sadness, sorrow, and a void.

I can not even talk about it, because it makes me too sad.

But I can say is that I feel under a lot of pressure. People pulling at me.

And I feel very alone. Like VERY alone.

I want to crawl away and hide, and not face anyone and not face the world and not live life. And that is not even possible. How pathetic. Seriously.

Silent sun

Outside, there is life. Outside, there is sun. The brightness and happiness, and where life happens.

Inside, there is me. Inside, there is darkness. A world of apathy, numbness and no energy.

A world where a smile hurts. A world where nothing seems to matter.

I pretend I see the sun, and just remain silent.