Sigarettes and the sparrow

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There’s sigarettes, a sparrow and me, and I don’t even smoke. It’s a rainy day and I stand on this busy busstation. Actually I don’t want to leave, but somehow “I have to”.

While the rain is pouring down, I drop my bag at a bench. The bench is not wet, but I refuse to sit down. Failure, is spinning in my head, failure. Everyone seems to be able to work something out, be good in something, and here I am – giant failure of the world.

I can’t do my job, I’m too slow, it’s too messy in my head. I’m good in researching, I know, but I can’t put limits. Somehow things need to be black and white to understand, but I know it’s impossible and I always find the exceptions. And I can’t deal with them.

It’s frustrating.

On social media, my eyes pick up signs. Of people who do better than me, of people who seem to fit better , for people who do meaningful things. Here I am, I think, trying to make things work, but failing all the time.

For the first time since my job started, I had a terrible day. Nothing worked out. I felt confused. I wasn’t able to function like I should. I felt that I should give up on the job: I can’t do it, it’s too complicated for me, was all I thought for a while.

I didn’t quit. I just drove home, and I guess I will start again tomorrow.

A brand new day. A brand new day for a nobody like me. Emptiness. Meaningless.
What’s the point?

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Wonderful, just wonderful.

1 pm. A movie, one of the 3 dvd’s I own, is playing for the 3rd time. It’s not that I like the movie that much, it’s just to pass the time and just to try to distract myself from these awful feelings.

I’m too empty and exhausted to type what is going on. But let’s say I feel awful and ” work” as far as you can speak of work , is absolutely not helping. In fact I’m afraid it influences all of this pretty much or at least makes it stronger. My hope of change, or that I would once just make it, is slipping away.

Hell yeah. I’m 30, and I feel like this is the end of my life.
I have no future. I will not make it. I just can not adapt to the world.

Not in the past, not now, not in the future.

I can not take care of myself financially. I’m stuck and trapped in invisible prisons.I’m doomed to live on the streets when this finishes (maybe that comes sooner than the original planning , but I feel too exhausted to type the story- it doesnt matter anyway). Or I’m doomed to live with my parents forever and feel ashamed of myself, that I can not even take care of myself and I’m too useless for anything. Oh yeah of course there are things I can do, but my talents are USELESS. USELESS. There is no room or space for them and nobody is waiting for it.

I’ve never been in such a fucked up position. When I was in university, things where a lot better. But hey,  I am the one to blame right, according to a lot of people – to public opinions, or at least what many think or say….. Since I should just get a job, and if I don’t get a normal paid job that is my fault, because 1-I dont try hard enough 2- Im not good enough 3- whatever, it was just in my head and now I forgot it because probably I’m the insane one right?

I guess I should quit this all and let myself admit to a mental hospital and hope they will drug me so badly for the rest of my life I will be numb forever and just wait untill I can die.

Yeeha. And fuck you world, fuck you.