Free, but trapped.

(Or should I say trapped, but free?)

Yesterday, I had a short conversation about this with someone. It’s something that I find very difficult and maybe what I’m going to write now isn’t making any sense at all. There’s one sentence that struck me in particular:

“you know, you keep saying you’re stuck, and I know that’s how you feel. But somehow you are more free than anyone I know”

I seem to be free. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a house, I don’t have a family, I have nothing much that ‘restricts’ me in a certain way: if I don’t get up, things will not fall apart, I will not be missed very badly, nor will much people even notice.

So, I seem to be free. I seem to be free, but I can’t seem to use it, I can’t seem to feel it, I can’t seem to see it. I don’t.

Because a lot of days, are full of emptiness. Are full of uselessness, of the lack of purpose. There is nothing much that keeps me going really, there is nothing that waits for me, nothing that needs me. The world is a place where there isn’t just space for everyone; literally maybe yes, but not in the world of jobs, income, and with this, the right to live, because this is how i see it – to not have these things, with the current system of how the world works, affect this – the right to live , because the way I see it it’s that it’s so difficult and hard to live in these circumstances, that I don’t want to call that a life.

And yet this whole thing is something you can see in many perspectives. A lot of people do not think my life is so bad – “but at least you don’t have a family” , “at least you have a bed to sleep in” or “at least you have food”.

So if you are alone, (which is already more difficult, because you have less support and everything is more expensive and you have nothing to fall back on, because you will have to fix everything yourself), it’s not so bad? So if you have a family, to care for, that’s worse than rot away when you’re alone? THis is really making me angry sometimes, and I want to scream: BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE EACH OTHER. But I don’t. I keep silent.

At least you have a bed to sleep in – what the fuck does this bed change when you feel so down and there is no purpose? Want to have my bed? fine, take it, I’ll sleep on the floor, whatever.

At least you have food? Fuck this food, it keeps my physically alive, but then the rest? And all this food is full of added crap, chemicals, whatever. You want to have the food? Fine, take it.

*now-back-to-less-angry-mode*

There are these moments, like now, how I realize how messed up (my) life is. How stuck I am and can;t get out. How I do not see possibilities anymore, ways to try.

Why should anyone give me a job? Why should anyone see something in me?

What future do I have to look forward to? Why would anyone help me out?

Am I to blame? Do I try to less? I had years of therapy, I saw different psychologists, I tried medication, I tried to finish a study, I did, I always worked, but after I graduated things fell apart. Can someone please tell me why I keep failing, what I do wrong, what is wrong with me? Because I don’t understand it anymore.

I seem to have a lot of possibilities, of choices, of so called ‘freedom’.

Yet, I feel a lot of pressure and judging minds about my situation. Every step is a marathon. Trying to find a job? There’s so much pressure and stuff to ‘explain’. Benefits? They are going to control my life and I will die even more inside.

Something has to be wrong with me, because I dont even have benefits. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t work for so long now.Something has to be wrong with me, because I can’t live on my own and I live in family’s house. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t get life nor do I understand the system. Something has to be wrong, because I can’t live like this.

Freedom. I can’t do whatever whenever I want.

So called freedom.

 

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Broken sorrow

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As I kneel down

where the storm blows by

where stones drown underwater,

and the trees salute to the sky

 

my sword stings in the earth

footsteps,heading towards empty paths

Where leaves fall down and birds turn their heads

 

And grass the lonely silence witness

in fields of forever,

 

Where all I can do is

bend my head.

 

Reversed

it’s dark outside

the moon is the only one around

the only visible thing

because the stars are hidden in the clouds

the world seems asleep

but I’m wide awake

though I shouldn’t be.

 

Outside the sun starts the day

birds come alive

the world starts to move and finds a way

except for me

because it’s dark inside.

 

My system is broken,

now I’m covered in the clouds.

snapshots and broken thoughts

Tattooed inside my brain

Been trying to erase some parts,

but sometimes I can’t seem to bear

these thoughts about you

can’t bear to read

or see something

that reminds me of you

These memories – sometimes almost killing me.

 

Once things were different

We used to talk, we used to speak

We used to write, but time turned weak

well, not only time, things changed

And they will never be, the same

(but I don’t want them to be)

 

The impact you had on me

in several ways

is drifting away

but memories come back at certain days.

 

I realize that

I never really knew you after all

and maybe we were never even really friends

since it was hidden behind this hole with walls

 

The more I used to think about it

The more confusing it would be

But distance changes things

And feelings always block the things to see.

 

Sometimes I feel bad

that I decided to cut the contact.

And try to erase you out of my life

but then again

True, it’s maybe not fair that I made it one way

but I guess the contact was one sided anyway

because you would decide

when and how and what and…

oh well, maybe it doesn’t really matter anymore.

 

Guess I’ll never really understand

but you maybe wouldn’t say.

The inside cracks lost hope and sense it all

where little time turns into days.