Living what life?

Imagine. But it’s a truth.

I have a day job.A changing amount of hours every week. Nothing steady, nothing fancy.   Permanent contracts out of the question . It’s not the question if you have to leave or not:  the question is when.

It’s not a special job: everyone could do it I guess, there is no special degree needed for it, though when they make selections, they kind of pretend it that way.

Despite that the colleagues are nice, I guess the job is not making me happy at all. I keep telling myself that it could be worse, and seriously, this is not the worst job I had. In fact it’s the best, as you speak in friendliness and payment. But that, is not everything.

And however I make enough to support myself, it will not, or never,  make me rich. It will not help me to buy a house or something. It will just help me to pay the bills, and lead a moderate life in terms of – yeah, in terms of what exactly?

Work became something I don’t look forward to anymore. It became dull, unrewarding, and the days become longer, though in minutes they didn’t expand at all. I feel like a robot, a part of a system that isn’t really a good one, but, that’s something you should’t care or question about; it just makes things more complicated for yourself.

there are a lot of indications that this isn’t the job that makes me happy.It gets harder in time. I get headaches, I’m tired, and I care less, I lost my motivation. I try to do things right, but it’s never right anyway and hard working doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s not even notices. Maybe I would really like to find a job in my field of interest, but I don’t really know what my field of interest is. Often people say that is bullshit, but I’m really not sure myself.

As well I always feel like I’m not qualified enough or there is too much asked in a profile which I’m not. Also this game of who’s the best candidate, and all this fancy stuff, isn’t my thing. Sometimes I wonder about going back to study, but it’s unsure how I could afford that or support myself. And if I could make it, with my mental struggles. I guess I have motivation issues. It’s not that I don’t want, I’m not sure exactly what it is. It just makes things complicated. I also wonder if the degree or certificate would help anyway- I don’t think so). It would be just lost money. But what am I working towards to? To keep working like this and supporting myself to rent a house and buy food and keep that going for 20 or 30 years?
I passed the point where all the questions and thoughts keep me from sleeping. It became normal part of my life. Where simply a year ago these things would keep me up , they became a part of me – they don’t keep me from sleeping, but just continue during my sleep.

I wish I could explain how I feel. But the truth is: I’m not sure myself.

All I know is that I struggle to find my words, to find my feelings, to find the change.

All I know is that what you are reading, are just words to you, but it’s blood of my soul.

And all the words that I can’t find, are frustrating me that I can’t get them out.

That I can’t find the step to change. That I can’t do things different.

that I don’t know what I feel. That I dont know what i want.

That I just can’t make things better for myself.

What am I living?

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I’m trying, but it’s a struggle

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I try to walk. But the walk is not easy.I try to keep moving. But it’s hard.

After I came back from Sweden, from being cut off from the world mostly, I had some trouble to step back in society, in the other life, or however you want to call it.

The contrast was just, I don’t know, overwhelming, and everything seemed too fast, too much pressure, too stressed, to pushy.

The world, and society, really rush and have this enormous pressure and speed. It’s unbelievable how much this seems to has its toll on me. I don’t know if I’m just weak as a human being, but I really find it difficult to keep up with life, with society, with work, with all the things everyone seems to expect from you. Working eight hours a day is the standard but I have a hard time hanging on to that. It’s a bit too much, somehow. I just barely hang on to these eight hours.

As for that, I am fighting too against this depression around the corner – will they ever leave? Or is it melted in my soul?

I am having trouble too since I live on my own again (well, with my love) to find my own pace, to find my own things. I just get lost mostly. I feel lost in the city, lost in life, I don’t seem to have a direction. I just float.

Like walking around but being invisible to everyone.
Walking around silently in noise, and not being able to escape it.

Living in my own place gives peace but it has traps too – there is nothing to force or push me, and I tend to stay in and become inactive – i know this and I try to resist this, to keep moving and going outside, but seriously, this is difficult.

I still keep going to Jiu Jitsu – that seems to go well lately, but next to that my days are pretty empty. I can’t find my things to do. I wish I felt something, some connection to things that I seem to like. But I don’t feel it. It’s maybe numb again, that nothing matters (while it matters a lot).

I don’t know how I feel, I just float. I’m not happy, I’m not unhappy, I am numb. And I find it hard to deal with life, to deal with work. I feel like I just want to sleep and lie on the couch and not move. I wish I could really turn myself off for a while, just like a computer you shut off.

I just wish I could feel or knew a direction where I want to go, or where I wish to be, where I can work towards to. But yet everything is numb and empty. And everything feels meaningless.

And I don’t know what’s worse, feeling awful from depression or feeling empty and numb.

All I know is that it doesn’t feel nice.

 

 

How others decide (my direction)

This morning I was lying in bed. Last night I slept late, because I was reading a book and I couldn’t stop. During the night I woke up a couple of times. This morning I woke up and stayed in bed, letting thoughts fly around in my head.

It’s nice in bed somehow. But at the same time it’s dangerous, because I sense depression lurking around the corner. Lately my life has been stabilized in some ways, yet I feel something that ‘doesn’t make it right’.

After a long time of unemployment and sitting depressed at home, I’ve been lucky to find a job and get hired begin this year. I’m working there for 8 months now (though things are still unsure: my contract ends in 2 weeks and officially I have no guarantuee I continue after that). It’s always 3 or 4 month contracts, and after a maximum of 3 years, I have to leave (because there is no way to get a steady contract – it just doesn’t happen, not to anyone.). So I don’t want to make myself any illusions. I know I have to work towards something else to make another step.(but, which one?) But I don’t make the step myself. I kind of let others decide things for me. That’s one of my problems, I guess.

This morning I realized that because of something else. Of course I knew, but something inside me triggered and things became clear. Earlier this year I went to a survival trip abroad. Someone else I picked up along the way, forgot her hiking shoes in my car. I still have them. I tried several times to see if there was a way to get them back, but she isn’t someone who responds clearly. Now she is around, and needs them soon.

As I said, this person is not very clear in contacts, when you write to ask when or where, she doesn’t answer anymore, and if she does, everything is very last minute. I’ve wrote to check to see if I can hand them over today, or she can pick them up somehow , but I notice I adapt myself , like most of the times. I let others decide direction. Decide how my day looks like. Decide when or how I will act. This time, I will not do that – though it almost happened. Now the moment of me being able to drop them off is over, so now she will have to come get them herself. I will not constantly ask anymore; if she wants them, she has to make sure to be in touch and respond and figure a way out to get them herself.

But still- that I always first try to plan my things around others –

Something about that isn’t right. It happens too much.

But that’s because I can’t really decide myself, because nothing matters that much somehow to make a clear decision myself. I don’t have a very clear goal, purpose, thing I want to. That’s the problem.

I need (want) to do something about that, but I have no idea where to start and what to do.

Sadness and sunshine

Today. Begins. With storm. After a while, the sun breaks through. Work went okay I guess, nothing special, just a lot of system failures. That sometimes, makes work almost impossible. I was not broken after work; that’s good. I could not manage to go to Jiu Jitsu. I don’t know why; it’s this overwhelming apathy that has a grip on me. There is no balance between work and the rest of my life. Maybe I will subscribe from Jiu Jitsu; I still pay, but I went two times in the past three months. Mostly because I do not manage to go after work. Usually I’m home too late; sometimes I’m not too tired, but it ends too late. Then I get in trouble the next day at work. So I skip. (And skip. and skip). Here I am. It’s sunny and beautiful weather outside  for a change, but inside of me is a dark rain cloud. Questions pouring out like heavy rain. Stop. Is this what I want? Is this how I want life to be? Is this how my future should be? I feel trapped. Because there does not seem to be much choice. Not much choice without guilt. I feel trapped in the system. Trapped in what the system wants me to do. This week I had my interview. No later than monday , I will know if I can stay or not. Temporary extentions, by 3 months. No steady contracts; steady contracts seem a rare species from the past in history books. They ask commitment, but don’t give you anything. Is this right? Pressure. So much pressure, for what? For a basic, miserable existence? I am cold again. Everything is numb. I go to work, I came home, and I feel nothing. No passion, no future, no past. I’m an empty void, an empty shell again. I know I’m the only one who can change it, or fight it. But what if you’re the only little oxygenbubble in outer space? How do you fight that?

I guess you don’t find: you just keep floating, for the rest of your life.

The future is back in the past ?

7 am. Light shows up at the corners of the curtain. Well, actually, the light showed up before, I just opened my eyes. The ticking of a clock with a familiar sound, but from the past. I open the curtain. I stare at a tree, one I did see before, but didn’t see the last 6 months. I recognize the bed, because it’s actually mine.
The bed from my childhood, but it’s the only bed I have. I look around. This is a room where I spend a lot of time, but I haven’t seen it for at least 6 months.

It’s quiet. I feel weird. I wasn’t supposed to be back here so quickly. But how much options do I have – living at the street is not so easy.

There is one very important something missing. He’s not hopping around. My rabbit. He died unexpectedly last week. One week before I came back. It’s empty. His cage is standing outside in the rain. The last traces of him. Leftover food, little hay. No trace of him. He’s gone. Buried in the garden of this place. A few tears stream down my face. Did he miss me? Did he thought that I abandoned him? I was looking forward to see him again. But now, he’s gone. And he is not the only one that died in the past few weeks.

Death is something weird. I don’t get it. It’s so real and unreal at the same time. I don’t know if I’m afraid for it or not. But I know for sure that I’m more afraid to lose people I love than to lose myself.
It’s so cruel. To see the pain. To feel the pain. One second can change so much. One heartbeat missed – why does a heart decide to stop beating? When does it decide? I don’t know how to write or what to say. There are thousands of things in my head I’ve been wanting to write before but without a computer or internet it was not possible somehow. Yeah, I do have a notebook and a pen, but somehow it’s not the same. Probably things will appear in weird parts and pieces, that don’t make sence in the order they will appear. But I can’t do much else, not at this moment. A mirror broken into many pieces, and every piece is in a different place.

I’m back in the world from the past. But this world is not the same. And I’m not the same.

( And so, this -I guess- means -I guess- I’m back. )

Wonderful, just wonderful.

1 pm. A movie, one of the 3 dvd’s I own, is playing for the 3rd time. It’s not that I like the movie that much, it’s just to pass the time and just to try to distract myself from these awful feelings.

I’m too empty and exhausted to type what is going on. But let’s say I feel awful and ” work” as far as you can speak of work , is absolutely not helping. In fact I’m afraid it influences all of this pretty much or at least makes it stronger. My hope of change, or that I would once just make it, is slipping away.

Hell yeah. I’m 30, and I feel like this is the end of my life.
I have no future. I will not make it. I just can not adapt to the world.

Not in the past, not now, not in the future.

I can not take care of myself financially. I’m stuck and trapped in invisible prisons.I’m doomed to live on the streets when this finishes (maybe that comes sooner than the original planning , but I feel too exhausted to type the story- it doesnt matter anyway). Or I’m doomed to live with my parents forever and feel ashamed of myself, that I can not even take care of myself and I’m too useless for anything. Oh yeah of course there are things I can do, but my talents are USELESS. USELESS. There is no room or space for them and nobody is waiting for it.

I’ve never been in such a fucked up position. When I was in university, things where a lot better. But hey,  I am the one to blame right, according to a lot of people – to public opinions, or at least what many think or say….. Since I should just get a job, and if I don’t get a normal paid job that is my fault, because 1-I dont try hard enough 2- Im not good enough 3- whatever, it was just in my head and now I forgot it because probably I’m the insane one right?

I guess I should quit this all and let myself admit to a mental hospital and hope they will drug me so badly for the rest of my life I will be numb forever and just wait untill I can die.

Yeeha. And fuck you world, fuck you.