Not everything is possible

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Outside the window,
I see fog, the traffic, the sky
trees saying goodbye to their leaves
they turned from green to yellow to leafless
but there is no rain

A deep sigh, it’s my own, and I don’t even hear
Staring to the outside world,
I’m a statue on my own couch
Frozen, where silence remains

After all
Sometimes the world is just living its life
no matter if you want to be part of it
it plays its game, dead or alive.

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The wedding

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I was invited to attend this wedding. Usually I avoid and skip these things.
But you can’t do that all the time.

I tried to have fun. I tried to be normal. But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t blend in with the people, or the atmosphere. This huge distance.
I couldn’t talk and socialize and act funny and nice.

All I could do, was to stand aside , on a distance.
Observing. Trying to blend in. Trying to be like them.

But no matter what, it didn’t work.

I felt better in the darkness of the night.

From a distance.

Well, I tried. It just didn’t work out.

and so it goes

Several times I wanted to write something, but somehow it didn’t feel right. The words would not come out , not the right words, not the things I wanted to say.

Still, I can’t find them.

My feelings are messed up. My thoughts are messed up.

Life has just kept moving on. Five days a week I drive to work, work, drive home. THe evenings pass, usually with nothing special. The weekends are not so exciting either; I go grocery shopping. I shower,I clean, I hang around. And so it goes.

I can’t say I’m happy, but I can’t say I’m unhappy neither. But I’m not complete. A part that is incomplete, is that my love is not here/I’m not there. A part of that is I guess that I feel my freedom is captured. My job’s not so bad, but today, for the first time, I really felt that I can or should not stay in it. For a while it’s okay. I get by. I get along with my colleagues. Yet there are slowly changes coming that I feel are somehow not right. I can’t exactly say why – I guess this is ‘feeling’.

The world is a bit numb again, in some ways.

Yet I’m still trying to work on things. I guess. I finally made an appointment at the hospital, to get a wisdom tooth removed. I’m not looking forward to it, but it has to be done.

I asked off to go see my love in November, but there is nothing approved yet; having time off seems difficult. So I still don’t know and still can’t book a flight.

I’m trying to learn French, with some audio clips that I downloaded from language videos and play them in the car during travels to work.

I tried to put more (physical) activities in my life, but it didn’t work out so well yet.

I try to do activities in ‘real life’, like visit other people sometimes; I went to an activity with my colleagues and I visit my friend nearby almost every week.

I guess I’m doing okay. But it doesn’t really feel okay im some way(s).

 

Savoury sweet

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The taste of something undefined,

liquid and solid, forever temporary.

I touch your hair, I sense your presence,

Are you really there?

 

In the dark, my eyes can’t see.

But I feel you

Just somewhere in a place in me

That’s called heart.

And I could not wish

for more.

Airport coffee

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Airport coffee, trying to ease the pain

to refill the emtpiness inside of me,

to stop the rain.

 

And I know that soon every minute,

every second you will get further and further away.

I’m not sure if I want this, but I don’t do anything to stop this

I just let it happen, today.

The conflict with myself.
I’m watching outside of the window and stare

at the plane that’s waiting and getting ready to leave

with the boarding pass in my hand, I’m trying not to grieve

 

Airport coffee,

I wish it would fill this gap inside my heart,

I wish it would bring me close to you,

 

I wish it would

I wish it would do so many things,

 

but it doesn’t

take the emptiness inside of me away.

Leftover chocolate

A bitter taste, because it’s dark

I find the leftovers of your

chocolate.

You’re not here anymore

this house is empty, I am empty.

I come home from work,

but you’re not there.

I ask myself

What’s the point of being and existing

without love?

Soon, with every minute,

the distance between us will become larger and larger,

and we’re far away again.

Just a couple of hours you were here right next to me

And now all I find are

little traces of you

Crumbles and your scent,

and leftover chocolate.

I don’t like the chocolate,

but I eat it.

Just because…..

I don’t even know why.

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