And why

Do I end up crying today and feeling miserable, and can not find the power and motivation, to fight against the things. and show that I can deal with life – because maybe I can not

and why do I end up,in these fights with myself, Am I impossible, I am impossible maybe.

and why, why going somewhere tonight where I don’t want to go, and there goes my  whole evening,just because,I do it for someone else,and because I don’t have enough guts to decide and because I am sometimes just stupid.

and this is just the price

i will have to pay

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waiting, for what?

Another day like other days before. The weather is nice – sunshine, not too cold, no rain. And I don’t have to do anything. Could be a perfect day, right? At least, that’s how it must be for some people. I should be happy, that I have a place to stay right now, that I can eat something, and so many things could be worse. Yeah, things could be worse. But that, doesn’t mean things are okay.

Be happy with what you have. Uhuh, who says. It’s a sentence that kills everything. Easy spoken, when you are not deeply unhappy and trapped.

Or say: oh, but in this country it’s not so bad, and it’s not so bad you don’t have a job, at least you don’t have a family. Uhuh, yeah, right, If that makes things okay.

Sometimes it’s making me angry. I am angry. I want to get out of this crap, but I’m stuck in a spider’s web where the spider has used superglue. I shouldn’t have come back here. It would have been better to be still abroad and even if I have lived on the streets, it might have been better. Yeah, I know what I say. I know living on the street is not cool.

And here I’m sitting. Waiting. Waiting for something to change. For something to happen. And I know too damn well, it doesn’t. That waiting doesn’t get me anywhere.

I should apply for jobs like crazy, I should run around and shout around how good I am and why someone should hire me and what I’m capable of and how cool I am and such.

But you know what? Reality is different. Here, the person behind these words, is broken.
YEARS now, YEARS – rejections, failures, people telling me it’s really not so bad, things will get better someday…………what do they know? WHAT do they know about this?

Things like this just need to hold on for long enough, and you completely lose yourself.

You don’t know anymore who you are, what you want, what you like, what you wish, what you dream, since there is no more. You don’t even know what you can, or are capable of, and you feel guilty. Guilty towards the world that they have to deal with a miserable failure like you me.

And it’s just a bad moment, right. Just a bad moment.

Wonderful, just wonderful.

1 pm. A movie, one of the 3 dvd’s I own, is playing for the 3rd time. It’s not that I like the movie that much, it’s just to pass the time and just to try to distract myself from these awful feelings.

I’m too empty and exhausted to type what is going on. But let’s say I feel awful and ” work” as far as you can speak of work , is absolutely not helping. In fact I’m afraid it influences all of this pretty much or at least makes it stronger. My hope of change, or that I would once just make it, is slipping away.

Hell yeah. I’m 30, and I feel like this is the end of my life.
I have no future. I will not make it. I just can not adapt to the world.

Not in the past, not now, not in the future.

I can not take care of myself financially. I’m stuck and trapped in invisible prisons.I’m doomed to live on the streets when this finishes (maybe that comes sooner than the original planning , but I feel too exhausted to type the story- it doesnt matter anyway). Or I’m doomed to live with my parents forever and feel ashamed of myself, that I can not even take care of myself and I’m too useless for anything. Oh yeah of course there are things I can do, but my talents are USELESS. USELESS. There is no room or space for them and nobody is waiting for it.

I’ve never been in such a fucked up position. When I was in university, things where a lot better. But hey,  I am the one to blame right, according to a lot of people – to public opinions, or at least what many think or say….. Since I should just get a job, and if I don’t get a normal paid job that is my fault, because 1-I dont try hard enough 2- Im not good enough 3- whatever, it was just in my head and now I forgot it because probably I’m the insane one right?

I guess I should quit this all and let myself admit to a mental hospital and hope they will drug me so badly for the rest of my life I will be numb forever and just wait untill I can die.

Yeeha. And fuck you world, fuck you.