The sadness that is coming back every time once in a while

Sometimes, like in most of the times, I try to forget all about it. I’m (appearantly) a living soul in the world, but I have no idea what I want in certain ways.

One of the things that I’m not too proud of, is that I (again, and still) live with my parents. It’s not in the way like some people think: I do my own laundry, I vacuum, I go grocery shopping and I do the things that need to be done. It’s in no way a hotel like some people tend to think. Not that I should care about other people’s opinions, but yet it affects me sometimes.

Now that I have a job (but not a secure one though) I should go live on my own. ANd I guess I would like to, but, yeah, but;

  • how the hell do you define or decide what is the place where you want to live?
  • how the hell can you easily or quickly find a house or room IF it seems to be normal to have a subscription for like 6 or more years to be able to make a chance for getting to rent a social housing thing?

Am I to blame that I didn’t subscribe? But how could I have known years ago where I would be right now? How do people do that? Seriously?

It brings in so many conflicts within me. I can’t stay here, I know. And I can’t go as well.

It makes me feel so sad, and hopeless, and powerless.

I want to, and yet there are so many difficulties and obstacles.

Can anything be easy? Something basic, and yet so difficult to reach.

It must be the error inside of me, that I don’t get this. That I can’t get this to work.

Stuck. I’m stuck.

Advertisements

Keep on moving

230220155663

Even if it’s officially still winter, the weather finally was ‘better’ (means no pouring rain, ice, snow and things of such a kind), and I went out of the first ride of the year. There was a lot of wind though. I’ve been wanting to go for a ride since a couple of days, but stupid things kept me from it.

“People will watch at you and think you’re childish and it’s not cool for a woman of 31 to go longboarding and especially not when you’re not so good and you will look rediculous ……and so on and on and on”

So, somehow what other people think of me does bother me, while I know it shouldn’t. But still, this is hard to erase out of your system. At least, in my experience.

When you are like me in a kind of way, I guess, and you have so much difficulties to be part of this world, somehow it’s a bit important that you are accepted in some kind of way. These kind of things can kill something in your soul, as far what’s exactly left of that.

Anyway, there’s a place nearby, where I can use a road where no traffic is. It’s not a very very good road – cracks and lots of wood and stones around, just a small part is asphalt that is supernice to ride. But it’s a bit out of sight, surrounded by trees, and there are not so much people coming there >> big plus for this. They are there are though- people who walk their dogs. Unfortunately you always have to watch out for dogpoop (gross, really – is it so hard to clean up or make sure your dog poop off the road?). That’s a really not cool thing of the place, but so far it’s the best place for me to ride.

The sun was shining, so I took my board and walked to the place. Took my mp3 player as well, since I found a new song which I seem to like a lot (Sia’s Elastic Heart ) and which I can’t stop listening.

and i know that i can survive
i’ll walk through fire to save my life

I cruised around for a minute or 40, and I guess that was a maximum for me. I’m not in shape, and it’s hard to keep moving sometimes – to go out is already an adventure. There was also so much wind.

For the last couple of weeks, I tried to stick with at least 2 times walking in a week, to improve my condition and for my ‘future plans’ if you can call it like that. I would like to go on adventure races and trail running and do much more outdoor sports. I wish I lived in/nearby the mountains.

Last week was the first week I didn’t make it- I did one walk but one other day I cycled, so maybe that ‘counts’. I’m still not save, my mood fluctuates up and down, and I find it hard to find purpose on some days and find things to keep myself busy now.

This week I haven’t walked yet, but I made my first longboard ride. And today, I hope to make the second one.

Icy drops

Slowly the dark leaves the world behind. There it is: the light. I pull my blanket up as far up as possible, trying to hide as much as I can from myself. I can see there’s fog outside, and this place surely looks like a ghost town. A ghost in a ghost town, it couldn’t be more perfect, I think.

091220144334

For a couple of hours, I lie there in agony and think: What reason do I have to get out of bed? None. Thoughts cross my mind of how useless and worthless I am like this, how things could have been, how I seem to be the only one in such a messed up situation and how trapped I am and I don’t see a way out. And how others judge, even if they don’t know me, and how they don’t understand. “Just get a job”, “Just get benefits” – if things were only so easy.

Not that it should matter, what others think of me. But somehow it does. I guess you need people and their opinions around you, just to be able to reflect on yourself and level yourself. Trapped, as a ghost in a ghost town. I don’t see a way out. At least, not right now. Always, there is this awful waiting time. I had enough of this waiting time, it’s painful. It’s killing. It brings permanent damage and you’ll never be the same again. ( If you can ever, be the same.)

Keep the wheels rolling, but they are standing still.

skateboard

This is my skateboard. And I like it, though I don’t use it much. It just stands in my room being useless.

Keep the wheels rolling, but, my wheels are standing still. Without movement, no journey.

Why? Because there is something, that not only affects the go/not go skateboarding. That holds me back from doing more things. And prevented me from doing certain things in the past.

What that is? The opinions of other human beings. That probably sounds weak, but yeah, I guess that is the answer.

Somehow I have never felt free enough to do what I wanted to do. Somehow, that lasted for so long (many many years, if it is not my whole life)  that I even lost the things I wanted to do – they simply got out of sight. I just did not know anymore. If someone would ask me what purpose I had, or what I wanted to do? Seriously, I had no idea. I just did not know. Also, I didn’t feel like a real person, but was just a walking homo sapiens on the earth, actually it was more playing some invisible role in a movie. Deep inside, it has been bothering me. That I have never could be the real me, that I always had to hide certain things, that I didn’t have any encouragement to do the things my heart wanted to do. Often, I felt like I had no right to live or even exists, and adapted myself into an invisible role, making sure others were doing okay  and could achieve their goals, wishes, needs.

Somehow, opinions from other people hold me back. Even opinions in general, from people I don’t even know. Maybe it is weak to let those things have so much influence in your life, but I can not deny the fact that they do, because they affect me and hold me back.

Take skateboarding for instance. Especially now, since i’m a ‘grown-up woman’, it is “not done” to ride on a skateboard somehow. You can not do that without hearing comments on that, or whatever. Those comments are sometimes innocent, sometimes maybe because people do not know what to say, and sometimes they are an attack on the person you are. Judge and shoot. And for what?

This is just one small example. It counts and goes for so many more things. Why, do things like that happen? Why do we say things to people we don’t know and try to be funny/make fun of them or judge them about something they do while they are not affecting anyone or anything in a bad way? Why?

Do I judge too? Probably yeah. I’m not perfect. I do make mistakes. I make mistakes with people too. I misjudge sometimes too. I guess I’m afraid a human brain has traps like that. Also I’m no communication or nonverbal specialist and I make mistakes or misunderstand or say things in a way that is not the way I actually want to say it but are just clumsy and probably the message doesn’t reach the receiver like I wish it would. communication, is difficult. There are so many ways and the interpretation can be so different from person to person. Even if there seem to be general ‘standards’ they don’t go along in just every situation. So how can you ever do something right?

How far do you go in trying to achieve your own goals and needs?
Do you listen to the opinions of other people? Do they affect you? Do you let them hold you back from doing things? How do you find the power to go your own way, if everything arounds you seem to hold you back from doing them? Is that something in your soul where you have this drive and motivation for? Is that about loving yourself?

I just don’t know how to deal with these things. Somehow, no matter what, it is never right.