I try to walk. But the walk is not easy.I try to keep moving. But it’s hard.
After I came back from Sweden, from being cut off from the world mostly, I had some trouble to step back in society, in the other life, or however you want to call it.
The contrast was just, I don’t know, overwhelming, and everything seemed too fast, too much pressure, too stressed, to pushy.
The world, and society, really rush and have this enormous pressure and speed. It’s unbelievable how much this seems to has its toll on me. I don’t know if I’m just weak as a human being, but I really find it difficult to keep up with life, with society, with work, with all the things everyone seems to expect from you. Working eight hours a day is the standard but I have a hard time hanging on to that. It’s a bit too much, somehow. I just barely hang on to these eight hours.
As for that, I am fighting too against this depression around the corner – will they ever leave? Or is it melted in my soul?
I am having trouble too since I live on my own again (well, with my love) to find my own pace, to find my own things. I just get lost mostly. I feel lost in the city, lost in life, I don’t seem to have a direction. I just float.
Like walking around but being invisible to everyone.
Walking around silently in noise, and not being able to escape it.
Living in my own place gives peace but it has traps too – there is nothing to force or push me, and I tend to stay in and become inactive – i know this and I try to resist this, to keep moving and going outside, but seriously, this is difficult.
I still keep going to Jiu Jitsu – that seems to go well lately, but next to that my days are pretty empty. I can’t find my things to do. I wish I felt something, some connection to things that I seem to like. But I don’t feel it. It’s maybe numb again, that nothing matters (while it matters a lot).
I don’t know how I feel, I just float. I’m not happy, I’m not unhappy, I am numb. And I find it hard to deal with life, to deal with work. I feel like I just want to sleep and lie on the couch and not move. I wish I could really turn myself off for a while, just like a computer you shut off.
I just wish I could feel or knew a direction where I want to go, or where I wish to be, where I can work towards to. But yet everything is numb and empty. And everything feels meaningless.
And I don’t know what’s worse, feeling awful from depression or feeling empty and numb.
All I know is that it doesn’t feel nice.