That, was that.

I went to the office today and had a talk with my manager and the job agency aka my official employer. I felt superstressed and nauseaus before going there, really had a knot in my stomach. The talk was okay – there is a plan now, which means I’m going back to work from monday and I start with two hours a day.

I also said that I don’t want my contract to be renewed. I think my manager was a bit surprised.  But now everyone knows my contract will end somewhere end of July. So whatever happens, I will not stay in my current job.

So far that, and that was that.

This is the beginning of an end. I don’t know where it will go – it felt difficult, but in my heart I know this is the right decision.

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I’m trying, but it’s a struggle

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I try to walk. But the walk is not easy.I try to keep moving. But it’s hard.

After I came back from Sweden, from being cut off from the world mostly, I had some trouble to step back in society, in the other life, or however you want to call it.

The contrast was just, I don’t know, overwhelming, and everything seemed too fast, too much pressure, too stressed, to pushy.

The world, and society, really rush and have this enormous pressure and speed. It’s unbelievable how much this seems to has its toll on me. I don’t know if I’m just weak as a human being, but I really find it difficult to keep up with life, with society, with work, with all the things everyone seems to expect from you. Working eight hours a day is the standard but I have a hard time hanging on to that. It’s a bit too much, somehow. I just barely hang on to these eight hours.

As for that, I am fighting too against this depression around the corner – will they ever leave? Or is it melted in my soul?

I am having trouble too since I live on my own again (well, with my love) to find my own pace, to find my own things. I just get lost mostly. I feel lost in the city, lost in life, I don’t seem to have a direction. I just float.

Like walking around but being invisible to everyone.
Walking around silently in noise, and not being able to escape it.

Living in my own place gives peace but it has traps too – there is nothing to force or push me, and I tend to stay in and become inactive – i know this and I try to resist this, to keep moving and going outside, but seriously, this is difficult.

I still keep going to Jiu Jitsu – that seems to go well lately, but next to that my days are pretty empty. I can’t find my things to do. I wish I felt something, some connection to things that I seem to like. But I don’t feel it. It’s maybe numb again, that nothing matters (while it matters a lot).

I don’t know how I feel, I just float. I’m not happy, I’m not unhappy, I am numb. And I find it hard to deal with life, to deal with work. I feel like I just want to sleep and lie on the couch and not move. I wish I could really turn myself off for a while, just like a computer you shut off.

I just wish I could feel or knew a direction where I want to go, or where I wish to be, where I can work towards to. But yet everything is numb and empty. And everything feels meaningless.

And I don’t know what’s worse, feeling awful from depression or feeling empty and numb.

All I know is that it doesn’t feel nice.

 

 

The storm is not over yet

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I feel the storm is not over yet. I think something might happen. Like something, as in an upcoming death. I don’t know exactly how or why or when, but I think my grandma is dying. Well, of course we’re all dying in the end, but maybe this will come like in soon.

She has been sick of a while (cancer in the throat) and she always talks about death (for over years), but somehow things seem to change.  I can’t exactly say how, but it’s different. She is maybe preparing to die, I don’t know. Sometimes people they know they are going to die somehow. I do not know, its just what I heard.

She asked about her insurance (which is way too low, a bit late to ask about but she never cared before) and about stuff (who wants to have this and that) and came this afternoon walking by (while my parents visited this morning). I don’t know. There’s something.

Maybe I am completely wrong, and maybe it’s weird and not nice to write about, but I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t talk about it to anyone, and it is bothering me. Because I have no idea how to deal with it, how to feel or what to do.

Because the worst thing is that I do not know if I really care. This sounds hard and rude, but the situation is really complicated. She wasn’t so nice to my parents. She made their life a bit like hell sometimes. It doesn’t seem that she ever accepted my dad , her son, or my mom. My dad was hit and told he couldn’t do anything right. My grandparents (grandfather is dead for some time) forbid him a lot. He didn’t want to see them again after he married my mom, but in my mom’s culture it’s not possible to ‘abandon your family’.Anyway, my moms from abroad and they dont seem to like abroad people. You know I could write about it for ages, of everything that happened but I don’t want to. Please just believe me that its complicated.

Now my parents will go to the family abroad soon. There’s not much people left here. Just me. Just one of my sisters. I have an aunt, her daughter, but complicated too: she never asks them, they don’t ask anything back. They just live beside and distant. Thats how it always went.

And I can’t help myself the questions:
WHat if something happens now?
What if she dies when my parents just left or want to leave?
She will stirr all the plans again.
She feels sorry about the things in the past I think, because of certain things she says sometimes. But she never said sorry, or admitted. She will talk like “look how nice and good I am”, but in the meantime, truth is different.And now she’s old and no one’s there.
And now she feels sorry. And is afraid to die. Her own relatives, a few alive, they are not in touch, because they dislike each other (well actually, it’s more like hate).

Anyway, I just keep wondering what is the truth.

And I know I will never really know.

And I know I will never know how to deal with this.

I feel her fear. I feel pain. I feel so much things, but they are not mine. And still they are strong. I feel anger. I feel the things that went wrong. I feel the things that happened and were not nice. I feel that she always wanted to hide them. I feel the past.

And I will never know.

I will always wonder how

And always wonder how to deal with this.

 

I feel like a bad person.

My last post was how I felt earlier today. How I’ve been feeling the last few weeks.
Of course that is just my feelings, and maybe not the truth. And now I feel bad. Bad about myself, that I express this way and that I feel and think this way.

One of the others that I felt pulling at me, is my mom.
But she’s not a bad person. She just doesn’t understand me. She has a different view on lilfe, she works different. And that’s all. But maybe that’s no reason to talk or write like I do. I feel bad; it’s not right.

Though she can be pushy and she is always a step in front. No matter what I do, it’s never enough, that is how I really feel, and always did. I am not like her. I can’t live life to her standards.

She had a really difficult life growing up. She’s not from here, and actually fled a bad familysituation and country. She married my dad, but my dad’s family is not nice neither. Honestly, my family is not cool; on one side there is a lot of alcohol abuse / mental abuse and neglect. On the other side it’s just mean people, mental abuse, and they only think about themselves but really do mean things but pretend to the outside world they are so nice. I could write about it for ages, it just makes me angry and sad.

So I should not blame my mom. It’s not her fault. She has a hard life enough already. She lost her mom last year, which was a huge toll. Her mom, my grandma, is/was one of the very few familymembers who are not mean and who do not abuse others. So I felt really, really bad for her.

Today I looked at my mom. She wants things to be very VERY clean. She kind of insisted to come to my new house. She did. She immediatly started cleaning. I dont like that. My standards are not high enough for her, and she makes me feel like I don’t do things right and her pace is just so high, that I have trouble to keep up. My body is not so strong, but she’s 25 years older. And I’m the weak one.

I didn’t grow up so nice. BUt it was not her fault. She really did what she could, but she had such a hard time to keep standing herself. She raised me almost alone. With this weird family situation – they stirred things up. I am so sorry, mom, I am sorry.

I just can’t be the person you want me to be. I just can’t.

 

 

it’s all that i am

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The first thing you can’t miss is the darkness, or the void.
It’s like having two faces, or a faceless face.
A nothing becomes a huge void, and it grows so large that you can’t see the edges, no matter how long you stare. You can not really look for it either. You can only sense it.

There is nothing left to say, because this is all that I am. And everything that I am not.
Probably it doesn’t make sense if you don’t know the touch of it, but if you do, I do not even need to explain this. It’s harder to grasp than the darkness when the lights fall out. It’s harder to grasp because you can only know if you know.

And where the streets end into the wild, that is maybe where the peace comes back. Though the bitter truth is that you can’t escape it. Sometimes you want to fake it, because the pain becomes so strong that you can’t get rid of it. It’s a pain you can not fight.

you should have forgotten about me
I should have forgotten about you

but should is not the truth

and what keeps me on this line
and I hate it
and I appreciate it
maybe I love it, but I don’t know that now.

All I know is that it’s difficult. Like really difficult.

 

It’s there, just over there.

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The person next to you points somewhere in front of you. It’s all you have to see.
It’s all you have to do. For the others, it’s clear where it is. It’s clear what to do.
And yet, you’re walking, not even standing still, but walking, but it’s not clear at all.

There, just there. Just this. Just that.
And all you do is stare. It’s there, probably, perhaps, but you can’t see it. You just stare into eternity (as far as that’s eternal) but it doesn’t change anything.

No one can understand why you can’t see it.
No one will understand why you can’t feel it.

It’s like the earth, in the galaxy – it’s staring, but it doesn’t see. For what? Where to?