I lost my heart because I found it.

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At the moment I made this photo, my heart was not there. I stood on the beach and cried.
I cried of being afraid, off all these miserable feelings, and because of missing my love.

My love just came to live with me. And I left soon after. Because I went to Sweden, where I went on a survival training.

I have a lot of trouble to ‘get back into the normal life’ again now. I can’t find my words, but I’m full of feelings and thoughts: I just can not express them.

But all I can say is: I love that life. I love survival. I know I can manage. I know I can do it. Even if my  mind thinks I can’t. I can.

I lost my heart, just because I found it.

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Thousand pieces in the sky

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You are my thousand pieces in the sky,

Seperate little parts, though always keeping an eye

it’s the big whole –

nothing can break that apart.

everything can break that apart.

 

so there is nothing, to be afraid for.

You are there,

I am here,

under the same sky.

 

(The lack of) dreams

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dream [driːm/]
noun – series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep //  state of mind in which someone is or seems to be unaware of their immediate surroundings // cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal.

” But don’t you have dreams anymore?”

Silence. Thoughts. Feeling a bit embarrassed. More thoughts. Silence. And a little storm in my head. Such a simple question, can be so difficult to answer.
Someone asked me this question a while ago, and sometimes it still kind of haunts me. Dreams. Do I have dreams? What are they? When is something exactly a dream? Did I ever have dreams? I-do-not-exactly-know.
Dreams, goals, future, they are all words that are a bit difficult for me somehow.
Maybe depression captured my dreams away. Maybe the ‘rough’ circumstances. Do dreams come back? Do you have to chase them? How can you find them when you can’t feel or see them?
Or is it that I don’t dare to see them, because if I can never realize anything it will hurt less? Who shall say.
I wondered if I ever had dreams. Was there something I really wished for? I am not sure. I guess for a long time, I kind of dreamt of my own house, or place to live. How nice that looked to me, to have a place where you can close the door and shut off from the outside world, where you decide the rules. Without any form of interfering from anyone or anything – just IF you choose for it.
That looked really nice for me, but this lasted short; circumstances changed something in me, and I don’t think it’s possible for me to have a place of my own now or in the nearby future. It’s too late. And I need it now, but I can’t. Just out of the question.
Maybe once I dreamed about a job, that was nice and that I would be happy with, that would allow me to have my own place to live, drive a car and go to places, go on holidays. Buy myself nice and proper food. Sometimes go to the cinema or a concert or a museum, buy myself a book. It doesn’t seem so far away for most of the people perhaps, but for me, it is too far away. So far that I don’t even think about it anymore, well rarely. I just can’t , because maybe it hurts too much that this is too far away (while I feel like I need it).
These things made me start thinking. What do I really need in life? What do I really need to feel happy? What is really important to me?
I figured out that it’s not having much stuff. I have too much stuff that I never use, so I started downsizing that. But if I downsize to my basic needs, I don’t seem to be happy neither. To a certain level, I seem to ‘need’ things, to be happy. For example, I don’t need a longboard to be able to live, but it does make me more happy somehow.
I don’t dare too look in the future too much anymore. it’s too far away, I can’t touch it, I can’t work towards it, just because the roads have to many bumps and you can not be sure of anything. Nothing is sure. Nothing is forever. You have to be always on guard. So HOW can you keep believing in your dreams, in your goals? Are they so strong you never give up on them? Are they so strong you never lose energy?
Dreams and goals seem so important, but on the other hand, they are only making things more difficult. Or what if you don’t really feel them? How do you decide the future? How do you work on the future?
Questions. So much questions.

The future is back in the past ?

7 am. Light shows up at the corners of the curtain. Well, actually, the light showed up before, I just opened my eyes. The ticking of a clock with a familiar sound, but from the past. I open the curtain. I stare at a tree, one I did see before, but didn’t see the last 6 months. I recognize the bed, because it’s actually mine.
The bed from my childhood, but it’s the only bed I have. I look around. This is a room where I spend a lot of time, but I haven’t seen it for at least 6 months.

It’s quiet. I feel weird. I wasn’t supposed to be back here so quickly. But how much options do I have – living at the street is not so easy.

There is one very important something missing. He’s not hopping around. My rabbit. He died unexpectedly last week. One week before I came back. It’s empty. His cage is standing outside in the rain. The last traces of him. Leftover food, little hay. No trace of him. He’s gone. Buried in the garden of this place. A few tears stream down my face. Did he miss me? Did he thought that I abandoned him? I was looking forward to see him again. But now, he’s gone. And he is not the only one that died in the past few weeks.

Death is something weird. I don’t get it. It’s so real and unreal at the same time. I don’t know if I’m afraid for it or not. But I know for sure that I’m more afraid to lose people I love than to lose myself.
It’s so cruel. To see the pain. To feel the pain. One second can change so much. One heartbeat missed – why does a heart decide to stop beating? When does it decide? I don’t know how to write or what to say. There are thousands of things in my head I’ve been wanting to write before but without a computer or internet it was not possible somehow. Yeah, I do have a notebook and a pen, but somehow it’s not the same. Probably things will appear in weird parts and pieces, that don’t make sence in the order they will appear. But I can’t do much else, not at this moment. A mirror broken into many pieces, and every piece is in a different place.

I’m back in the world from the past. But this world is not the same. And I’m not the same.

( And so, this -I guess- means -I guess- I’m back. )

Meh part II

Unfortunately, it is very hard to keep up in blog world when you don’t have an internetconnection or a computer yourself and are dependent for those things. It’s frustrating a bit I can not hide in blogworld and read and such. So I’m sorry for not really keeping up and such.

Another meh things is that my health is still not okay. I went to hospital again for check and things were even worse. I wonder how that is possible, since I was on meds to lower everything down and it got worse? So now I’m on a double dosage and got some new stuff (for the protection of my heart or something ) andddd I am so lucky to have to come back again next week for another check and tests. Mehhh. I am not so happy with that. But also they said I should not worry because I was fine. What? If I was fine, I shouldnt need those meds right?

1-I dont want meds for longer times2- I dont want to have all these issues, there is enough bothering me already 3- Where is this going to end? 4-I had enough health issues so it can stop now for once ?

But yeah, it doesn’t really work that way. Another meh thing is that I think I am slipping away again into depression. I find it hard to adapt to life here, and my personality is not the right one for this environment. The people are nice, don’t get me wrong, but they need a different kind of person. They need a more positive, outgoing, proactive person, and not some empty person like me who wants to hide and is too invisible and holds back. I wish I could change, but it is so hard. It feels pretty lonely and I feel like I am losing again. That I am too weak to fight this and I will never make it in life. How can I ever be able to live a bit of a normal (read: a bit peaceful and being able to take care of basic needs) life ? I am afraid it is not going to work out for me. I don’t know what to do. I feel like hiding more, but yet I am still trying, though I feel completely lost and messed up inside. Just this outer shell prevents people from seeing that. Or maybe they see, I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel lonely and misunderstood. THat I “just have to make something of it” , but somehow I can’t. I don;t want to go back, I am glad I am abroad I think so far. So it’s not that. It doesn’t matter where in the world I am, its always turning out the same. I seem to be a human being, though, I don’t feel like one right now.

Lost dreams and some kind of sorrow

Aside

My thoughts are kind of spinning in my head so I’m probably not making a very coherent story now.. I can not seem to find the right words I would like to write, but I guess it’s better to let out something that is not perfect or exactly how I wish it would be instead of making my head more spin.
Sometimes, on -melancholic days, my mind wanders around in a world without a map. Often I get lost in that world. It’s something that happens regularly, what makes things hard on one side, but on the other side, is necessary to be/ stay alive somehow.
Sometimes that just happens without any particular occasion, sometimes it’s caused by something that was on the news or happened or is going on in the world. Sometimes a lot of things that are happening / going on in the world bother me. Not only really very specific matters (well of course some specific matters too), but a lot of things. Though lately, it seems like my brain kind of decided to ‘shut down’ somehow and it also prevents me from being able to express or bring into words what is going through my mind.
Sometimes hearing or reading or seeing something can make my head spin like crazy and make me doubt about just everything. What I try to do is try to look at things at different perspectives and try to understand and try to search “the truth” (realize that is a hard thing) and what happens is that many questions appear about just everything.
Sometimes that gets so intensive (or ‘badly”) I feel like I’m going to drive insane because of it and there’s a tornado inside my head. Sometimes something happens inside that brain, that prevents me from even making the most simple decisions.
Like…can’t decide what kind of clothes to wear because nothing seems right (and I know it doesn’t really matter that bad but yet it does),can not seem to decide if I walk left or right when I leave the door, get overwhelmed standing in the grocery store buying food….
Even if I’ve made a list before going to the grocery store, at a moment like that, it doesn’t help at all. I step into the store, telling myself to keep calm and that things will work out and that all I need to do is just buy some food. But then I am in the store, I see thousands of possibilities what makes making a choice impossible, or prices aren’t right or something is sold out or whatever, but when that happens I always end up feeling pretty miserable. Sometimes I find myself just standing in a grocery store and wondering and observing people how they behave, how they act, and how they seem to make their choices. Honestly, I’m not sure why I do that. Because it never really helped me out of it. But well, we all have our ‘crazy things’ I guess.
Sometimes certain things I see or read make me think. Think about many aspects of life. Sometimes about dreams, forgotten dreams, dreams coming true, lost hope. Things like that. Dreams people have in their lives. Achieving and fulfillment. Searching for ways to work on dreams. Giving up. Hope. Not giving up…..
Sometimes it looks like dreams in my life never existed. Not sure if I ever had them. Sometimes some kind of questioning starts, okay, sometimes there are things that I seem to want or seem to like, but are they so important and motivating me I keep on going? No. Are they so important that they are in front of other things? No. Are they giving me energy to keep going? No.
Honestly, I’ve been never so apathetic like I am now. And I have no clue how to get out of it. No job, no income, not really a serious way to spend the days…. I do not do so much in and around the house. (And, I do not live on my own and am the only one not working here). I do feel guilty about all those things. I used to work hard and just go on and on and on. There was a time I worked 3 jobs. Started at 4.30 am and ended the day at 11 pm. All these years, trying to graduate, work and work and work and never called in sick (except for the time I could barely breathe, was send home and ended up in the hospital). I used to be a hard worker. I used not to care much about the job, a job was a job, even how boring it was. But not things changed. I can not. I just can not.
And I have no idea how to get out. Meh.