The ocean of the invisible

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Waves growing enormously
letting the buoy dance against its will
but look further ahead, because the moment of silence
is
where the storm refills

From the distance, or from the field of the eye
it could look like a big pool of emptiness, just crushing waves
where a life could easily die

underneath there is a whole world
one that seems so quiet and so calm
you would not even wonder

But that, is the eye of the storm.

The words that kept stuck in my brain

From: The Domesticated Brain by Bruce Hood.

Feelings and emotions are two sides of the same coin. Emotions are short-lived, outward responses to an event that everyone around can read, like a sudden burst of anger or fit of laughing, but feelings are the internal lingering experiences that are not always for public consumption. We can have feelings without expressing them as emotions. They are part of our internal mental life. Without feelings, we would not be motivated to do the things we do. Feelings we get from others are some of the strongest motivation that we can have. Without feelings, there would be no point getting out of bed in the morning. Even pure logic needs feelings. When se solve a puzzle, it is not enough to know the answer. You have to feel good about it too. Why else would we bother?

What is there left to say?

Inside of me, there is so much I want to say, but when I try to start , nothing comes out.

Nothing new really.

Things are kind of the same.

Work is going along, but it’s for a change less busy. It must be of the holiday time. It’s nice not to be under the time pressure and stress anymore though, but it’s such a big change compared to so short ago. But that’s the same with a volcano outburst can be; one day it’s like it’s not active at all, the other day it explodes.

My love came to see me for almost two weeks. We spend a very nice time together – everything is less numb when she’s around. Things just seem to change, somehow. I feel like going to places, doing things. When she’s gone, like now, all that fades away. It’s really weird how fast things can change.

Even though the last few weeks were pretty full of activities – work, spending time with my love, we went to an interactive museum, visited a submarine, went out for dinner, went out for playing pool and such , and I visited my friend and we cooked and we went out to a sushi place (but I don’t like raw fish so I eat other things) , which were all pretty nice events- everything starts to be numb and meaningless again. My love has left again, and is far away again.

I’m glad I work 5 days this week, because I need a distraction. (I’m lucky to have 5 days planned: Because it’s not so busy, a lot of colleages got less, like 2 or 3 days). But what if the week after I work just 2 days? Then there’s so much time….and my parents will be here again, back from their holidays.(Which means: adapt again).

I’m in a huge doubt whether to or not to move and live on my own. Well, on my own – could be with flatmates or something like that too. Because when lookingat the prices, seriously, I do not understand how people can pay everything. A simple room is a week of my salary – ( a fulltime one). A flat a two weeks salary (a fulltime one). What if I don’t get enough hours, how would I pay things? The risk is too high. (But at the same time, I know the decisions I make are 90% rational and ‘safe’). Do I see it wrong?

It looks nice to have a place for myself, but; then I can’t save money anymore (I’m saving again for moving abroad, holidays, renewing my stuff, going to my love and paying off my debt (university). Maybe it’s wiser to wait. To bear everything, save as much as I can, save for my move abroad, invest in a language course, pay off my student debt.

I don’t know. Making rational decisions should be easy, but it’s not. Making decisions on feelings, I don’t know, it should be more difficult. But I don’t feel what to do. I don’t know – there are too much perspectives, so I guess that is all rational and not based on emotions.

Life turned into a dull void again. The beautiful things, and things that seem to move me are out of reach again. And so it continues …

Fears

Today I got confronted with something that gets me from time to time. And I am not sure how to deal with these things; I’m not so good in it.

Somehow, I seem to be quite sensitive for the feelings, emotions and worries of others. I don’t like this because it can really affect my  mood and it can give me lots of anxiety and stress. Seriously, I wish I could be more neutral and keep these things a bit more on a distance, but I don’t know how.

THings like this happened before, and it makes me think that in case of emergency, I will be totally useless because I will freak out. I don’t know, it’s just what I think.

My dad, a guy who always works and never called in sick, seems scared today. He had some physical issue today which makes him worried and affraid. And this , gives me anxiety too, and it worries me. Nothing is clear yet about what is ‘wrong’, he will have to go see a doctor first. Maybe nothing is wrong, maybe there is. Reading about things what it could be doesn’t make it better for sure.

But these things trigger something inside of me. It’s not only this situation; this happens in other situations too. And I wonder why am I so sensitive to it? Why do I feel so much anxiety, stress and chaos inside of me that I (feel like) I can not act normal and I’m too stressed. How are you supposed to deal with things? What do these things cause in you? How do you act?

It’s similar when someone else is sad. Somehow these emotions get me.

If you can, and want to, please share your thoughts or experiences or knowledge if you like. This is really bothering me and I would appreciate it very much  to hear some other thoughts, opinions or experiences . Thanks in advance.

My heart wants to be somewhere else

It’s almost painful (but actually, it is)
I’m here, where I don’t want to be
And you’re there, where I want to be, too.

And I can’t believe
I just can’t believe that
So much in life has been
destroyed in the past and
That so much is
happening inside of me
right now

Have I been blind?

Apathy is a weird enemy,
Invisible enemies,
take away your dreams,
take away your feelings,
leaving you behind
with this empty void

I want to scream – but even if I do
It doesn’t bring me, where I want to go.
Why are things so
difficult?

Things can be so easy, life can be so easy,
and yet
why is it so complicated?

Every second
Every minute
Every heartbeat
it almost tears me apart

How can I
What should I
do

All I want is
just to
be with you.

The scar

 

There is a place, in my heart

where a deep cut, has been made

without a knife, but a lot of power

that the force, also touched my soul.

it will never grow, and it will never heal

Sometimes things that have hurt your soul,

and have hurt your heart, well, you can not simply “just forget”

touched deeply, and I refuse to turn my head

and see the scar, that is in my heart.

I am, not blind.