What is there left to say?

Inside of me, there is so much I want to say, but when I try to start , nothing comes out.

Nothing new really.

Things are kind of the same.

Work is going along, but it’s for a change less busy. It must be of the holiday time. It’s nice not to be under the time pressure and stress anymore though, but it’s such a big change compared to so short ago. But that’s the same with a volcano outburst can be; one day it’s like it’s not active at all, the other day it explodes.

My love came to see me for almost two weeks. We spend a very nice time together – everything is less numb when she’s around. Things just seem to change, somehow. I feel like going to places, doing things. When she’s gone, like now, all that fades away. It’s really weird how fast things can change.

Even though the last few weeks were pretty full of activities – work, spending time with my love, we went to an interactive museum, visited a submarine, went out for dinner, went out for playing pool and such , and I visited my friend and we cooked and we went out to a sushi place (but I don’t like raw fish so I eat other things) , which were all pretty nice events- everything starts to be numb and meaningless again. My love has left again, and is far away again.

I’m glad I work 5 days this week, because I need a distraction. (I’m lucky to have 5 days planned: Because it’s not so busy, a lot of colleages got less, like 2 or 3 days). But what if the week after I work just 2 days? Then there’s so much time….and my parents will be here again, back from their holidays.(Which means: adapt again).

I’m in a huge doubt whether to or not to move and live on my own. Well, on my own – could be with flatmates or something like that too. Because when lookingat the prices, seriously, I do not understand how people can pay everything. A simple room is a week of my salary – ( a fulltime one). A flat a two weeks salary (a fulltime one). What if I don’t get enough hours, how would I pay things? The risk is too high. (But at the same time, I know the decisions I make are 90% rational and ‘safe’). Do I see it wrong?

It looks nice to have a place for myself, but; then I can’t save money anymore (I’m saving again for moving abroad, holidays, renewing my stuff, going to my love and paying off my debt (university). Maybe it’s wiser to wait. To bear everything, save as much as I can, save for my move abroad, invest in a language course, pay off my student debt.

I don’t know. Making rational decisions should be easy, but it’s not. Making decisions on feelings, I don’t know, it should be more difficult. But I don’t feel what to do. I don’t know – there are too much perspectives, so I guess that is all rational and not based on emotions.

Life turned into a dull void again. The beautiful things, and things that seem to move me are out of reach again. And so it continues …

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Sadness and sunshine

Today. Begins. With storm. After a while, the sun breaks through. Work went okay I guess, nothing special, just a lot of system failures. That sometimes, makes work almost impossible. I was not broken after work; that’s good. I could not manage to go to Jiu Jitsu. I don’t know why; it’s this overwhelming apathy that has a grip on me. There is no balance between work and the rest of my life. Maybe I will subscribe from Jiu Jitsu; I still pay, but I went two times in the past three months. Mostly because I do not manage to go after work. Usually I’m home too late; sometimes I’m not too tired, but it ends too late. Then I get in trouble the next day at work. So I skip. (And skip. and skip). Here I am. It’s sunny and beautiful weather outsideĀ  for a change, but inside of me is a dark rain cloud. Questions pouring out like heavy rain. Stop. Is this what I want? Is this how I want life to be? Is this how my future should be? I feel trapped. Because there does not seem to be much choice. Not much choice without guilt. I feel trapped in the system. Trapped in what the system wants me to do. This week I had my interview. No later than monday , I will know if I can stay or not. Temporary extentions, by 3 months. No steady contracts; steady contracts seem a rare species from the past in history books. They ask commitment, but don’t give you anything. Is this right? Pressure. So much pressure, for what? For a basic, miserable existence? I am cold again. Everything is numb. I go to work, I came home, and I feel nothing. No passion, no future, no past. I’m an empty void, an empty shell again. I know I’m the only one who can change it, or fight it. But what if you’re the only little oxygenbubble in outer space? How do you fight that?

I guess you don’t find: you just keep floating, for the rest of your life.