A positive post: my new house.

I will try to write positive posts too. A nurse I see sometimes about my ‘issues’, said that is important. So I’ll give it a try.

A month ago, I moved into a new flat. In this city is hard to find something affordable and I consider myself really lucky with this new place. It’s  much better place than my previous studio. For almost the same price I have twice as much space (around 55m2), but that’s not the most important: Now I have a seperate bedroom AND a balcony!The location is also a big plus: more quiet and just nicer.

I can even have visitors now, even people who sleep over, because I have a couch that can transform in a bed. Not that I have that often, but it does make me a bit happy that it’s possible.

Behind my house there are trees and bushes what is lovely, and it’s full of life with so many birds. They visit my balcony often since I hung a ‘peanutbutterhouse’ (a birdhouse with a jar of peanutbutter – they love it). Soon I’ll remove that because baby-birds can not have that sticky peanutbutter, but in the winter it’s the birds favourite together with sunflowerseeds.

Behind my flat/balcony, and behind the green is a railway yard.
I like my view. And I love that I have a little outside.

What I also like a lot, is that I can finally have plants!  Creating a little jungle in my living room. I’ve been reading the NASA Clean Air study and nature helps for depression, so I would like to create a little jungle inside of my house. To have a nice environment. Because that is finally possible here. I also would like to grow a few things on my balcony. Some of my current little green machines:

 

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Huge doubts, if I’m doing the right thing.

Hello who ever reads this; firstly thank you for reading this, and a happy new year. I truly hope this will be a good year for you.

Hello to my super doubting self too: CAN YOU FREAKING WAKE UP FOR ONCE PLEASE AND MAKE A DECISION?

*breathe in, breathe out*.

Well, there’s a lot to say but I will not type everything; I’m too tired, and too pissed of with myself. So it will be a supershort version.

My car isn’t going through the yearly check; the bottom rusts too much, so I have to say goodbye to the car. I didn’t plan this, but it’s worse then expected, so I had to find a new car rapidly,. I found one, spend more money then I was planning too, but at least I can go to work and drive safe.

One of my friends’s boyfriend works at a housing company. She called me that there will be a nice apartment available soon – a chance to live on my own.

A few weeks ago I was sure I had to move out.

Now it really came, I am filled with doubts. I can’t decide. I can’t do it somehow.

*What if my job ends soon?

*I want to be closer to my love, and does it make sense to take an apartment when I maybe will move abroad?

* I just bought a new car, and getting in an apartment will mean: less money, less savings, maybe less possibilities to travel

*Do I really see myself living in that place? Where I have nothing and no one?

I saw the advertisement, because they placed it online today. It really looks nice though.

It would be perfect for me.

WHY can’t I take this chance?
WHY can’t I make up my mind and DO something?
WHY is there something inside of me that blocks doing something like this?

I don’t understand myself. I feel bad, bad that I can’t decide, bad that I’m turning down something while my friend tries to help me.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t know what to do.

 

The sadness that is coming back every time once in a while

Sometimes, like in most of the times, I try to forget all about it. I’m (appearantly) a living soul in the world, but I have no idea what I want in certain ways.

One of the things that I’m not too proud of, is that I (again, and still) live with my parents. It’s not in the way like some people think: I do my own laundry, I vacuum, I go grocery shopping and I do the things that need to be done. It’s in no way a hotel like some people tend to think. Not that I should care about other people’s opinions, but yet it affects me sometimes.

Now that I have a job (but not a secure one though) I should go live on my own. ANd I guess I would like to, but, yeah, but;

  • how the hell do you define or decide what is the place where you want to live?
  • how the hell can you easily or quickly find a house or room IF it seems to be normal to have a subscription for like 6 or more years to be able to make a chance for getting to rent a social housing thing?

Am I to blame that I didn’t subscribe? But how could I have known years ago where I would be right now? How do people do that? Seriously?

It brings in so many conflicts within me. I can’t stay here, I know. And I can’t go as well.

It makes me feel so sad, and hopeless, and powerless.

I want to, and yet there are so many difficulties and obstacles.

Can anything be easy? Something basic, and yet so difficult to reach.

It must be the error inside of me, that I don’t get this. That I can’t get this to work.

Stuck. I’m stuck.