Tears for a dead cat

My little old friend died today. The cat living at my parents. He was sick a bit more lately, his health went up and down. Now he was a 17,5 year old cat, so not the youngest anymore, but he was really one of a kind. One with an instruction book. He always needed to be around with people. With all his own specific manners, demands, wishes, behaviour. Often when I would be home, he would hang with his full body on one of my arms, sitting there as a king being carried around. I never understood how that could be comfortable, but appearantly it was for him.

Since last weekend he didn’t eat anymore and he lost quite some weight.  I went to the vet twice. The first time we thought it was a throat infection he had before and that would explain the not eating too, but after 2 days it got worse. So I went back with the cat. He had to stay at the vet for tests and infusion therapy. I was supposed to call this afternoon, but this morning the vet already called me. I knew enough.

He was more sick than we thought, liver, kidneys, and in the end heart failure. He passed away in his sleep and that is good, but I still feel bad about letting him there. Though it was the only chance of survival, or not being in pain.

This afternoon I went to pick him up, because we will bury him in the garden, next to the other animals. I cried in the car. I cried at the vet. I cried on the way back. I am not really a person who cries a lot usually, but lately I don’t know what is happening to me, but I cry. Also in front of other persons. I cried at my previous job. I cried when I put my love at the train for a long trip. And now I cry for the cat.

There’s nothing wrong with that. Poor thing. It’s so quiet in the house now. No more meows, no more sitting on laps, no more screaming in the mornings, no more demands of food, attention, no more. Like always, I find death so weird. Really weird.

 

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The face without the picture

 

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The winter tends to blow apart –
where autumn reminds the flowers to drop their leaves
it’s not the time, yet.

in the hallway, there is a bookcase,
dark brown, from wood,
old books, a vase, and a picture frame
where it should –

stand alone
or stand together
It’s a frameless frame for what it matters
And what you see is what you get

The life without the heart
A rain that doesn’t wet.

Empty floors

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After a day and after the rain
Because you didn’t see the sun
You open the door because it was locked
And you will see that the curtains are wide open

Light is falling on the floor
Structures, just being there in silence
and in fact the only presence in your life

You did not pay for them. They did not pay for you.
You did not ask for them. They did not ask for you.

And day after day
Every day the same, but in different perspectives
You open this door
One day in the dark
One day in the light

Nothing changes,
Yet everything changes.
Just because of that.

Existing but not living.
Living, but not existing.

 

Eating noodles

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On our couch
Staring through the window
Clear blue skies and the sun
Almost mesmerizing
Yet your sunshine, is not here.
So I go to sleep.

I get up, alone,your socks lying on the ground.
I take a shower, in an empty house, your sounds aren’t there.

I eat breakfast in silence and
Take the train to work.

When I come back It’s like the silent room,
I open the curtains, I sit on our couch for a while.
I warm up leftover noodles
Sit on the same couch

I am waiting, for you.

Everything will change from now.

Less than 24 hours, and everything will change. Well, life changes all the times, but sometimes you know a change will come while now nothing seems to be changing: you know it will, but you still feel empty.

Countdowns like these are always weird;you know, but you don’t feel.It’s just going to happen, and you know.

Tomorrow I’ll move. Love will come. Everyone expects me to be superhappy. Yet I can’t.

Yet I am not.

I feel ashamed of myself, that I am not happy, because somehow I seem supposed to be superhappy. But I’m not.

I just am, empty, knowing, but I don’t feel it.

It just is.

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Emptiness hurts

Emptiness doesn’t sound so bad as it actually feels. I mean, empty as in nothing as in apathy or something, I don’t know how to describe it exactly. But nothing doesn’t seem to have a ‘load’ , so how can nothing be anything negative? It sounds neutral, so not positive and not negative.

Emptiness is empty. Like a void. Like nothing. So how can it have something negative, because it should be nothing, like neutral? Does it still make sense or….?

I feel pretty empty lately. Not only empty, also apathetic.I see the summer, but I don’t feel it. I see the sun shine, but I don’t feel it. I see green trees, blue skies, but I don’t feel it.

And I don’t care.

I’m seperated from the world again. I notice the distance growing.

At work, things fall into a void.I don’t care anymore. I don’t feel anything nice anymore. Appearantly it doesn’t matter if you notice problems or things that don’t go well. Appearantly it doesn’t matter if you mention them and try to solve them or not – doesn’t make any difference. The only things that seem to matter are stupid things that don’t make sense to me. I could mention lots of examples: but I’m too tired. It costs too much energy to write.

I have food everyday. I can shower. I can sleep in a bed. But I don’t really care. I don’t feel anything. It’s just something that is there, but without any feeling. Without any load.

I’m in a relationship. But I don’t feel it. Love is far away , distant. And I say this with pain in my heart, but I don’t feel it- I am so sorry love. I know that I love you, but I don’t feel anything now. I am so sorry. How could you even live with me, if this is who I am?If this is how I am?

It’s like something in a museum you can’t touch. It’s far, distant. I don’t feel it right now.

It’s just there.

I have a new house. I should move. Should make it a nice place. Should act. I don’t care. Everything is empty.

I should make future plans and goals. Things I really like to do. But I can’t care – it’s empty, far, I don’t feel it. I dont see it.

I am empty.

I am such an empty person.

I feel empty.

because I am.

And it hurts.

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The wedding

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I was invited to attend this wedding. Usually I avoid and skip these things.
But you can’t do that all the time.

I tried to have fun. I tried to be normal. But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t blend in with the people, or the atmosphere. This huge distance.
I couldn’t talk and socialize and act funny and nice.

All I could do, was to stand aside , on a distance.
Observing. Trying to blend in. Trying to be like them.

But no matter what, it didn’t work.

I felt better in the darkness of the night.

From a distance.

Well, I tried. It just didn’t work out.