The face without the picture

 

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The winter tends to blow apart –
where autumn reminds the flowers to drop their leaves
it’s not the time, yet.

in the hallway, there is a bookcase,
dark brown, from wood,
old books, a vase, and a picture frame
where it should –

stand alone
or stand together
It’s a frameless frame for what it matters
And what you see is what you get

The life without the heart
A rain that doesn’t wet.

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Empty floors

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After a day and after the rain
Because you didn’t see the sun
You open the door because it was locked
And you will see that the curtains are wide open

Light is falling on the floor
Structures, just being there in silence
and in fact the only presence in your life

You did not pay for them. They did not pay for you.
You did not ask for them. They did not ask for you.

And day after day
Every day the same, but in different perspectives
You open this door
One day in the dark
One day in the light

Nothing changes,
Yet everything changes.
Just because of that.

Existing but not living.
Living, but not existing.

 

Eating noodles

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On our couch
Staring through the window
Clear blue skies and the sun
Almost mesmerizing
Yet your sunshine, is not here.
So I go to sleep.

I get up, alone,your socks lying on the ground.
I take a shower, in an empty house, your sounds aren’t there.

I eat breakfast in silence and
Take the train to work.

When I come back It’s like the silent room,
I open the curtains, I sit on our couch for a while.
I warm up leftover noodles
Sit on the same couch

I am waiting, for you.

Everything will change from now.

Less than 24 hours, and everything will change. Well, life changes all the times, but sometimes you know a change will come while now nothing seems to be changing: you know it will, but you still feel empty.

Countdowns like these are always weird;you know, but you don’t feel.It’s just going to happen, and you know.

Tomorrow I’ll move. Love will come. Everyone expects me to be superhappy. Yet I can’t.

Yet I am not.

I feel ashamed of myself, that I am not happy, because somehow I seem supposed to be superhappy. But I’m not.

I just am, empty, knowing, but I don’t feel it.

It just is.

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Emptiness hurts

Emptiness doesn’t sound so bad as it actually feels. I mean, empty as in nothing as in apathy or something, I don’t know how to describe it exactly. But nothing doesn’t seem to have a ‘load’ , so how can nothing be anything negative? It sounds neutral, so not positive and not negative.

Emptiness is empty. Like a void. Like nothing. So how can it have something negative, because it should be nothing, like neutral? Does it still make sense or….?

I feel pretty empty lately. Not only empty, also apathetic.I see the summer, but I don’t feel it. I see the sun shine, but I don’t feel it. I see green trees, blue skies, but I don’t feel it.

And I don’t care.

I’m seperated from the world again. I notice the distance growing.

At work, things fall into a void.I don’t care anymore. I don’t feel anything nice anymore. Appearantly it doesn’t matter if you notice problems or things that don’t go well. Appearantly it doesn’t matter if you mention them and try to solve them or not – doesn’t make any difference. The only things that seem to matter are stupid things that don’t make sense to me. I could mention lots of examples: but I’m too tired. It costs too much energy to write.

I have food everyday. I can shower. I can sleep in a bed. But I don’t really care. I don’t feel anything. It’s just something that is there, but without any feeling. Without any load.

I’m in a relationship. But I don’t feel it. Love is far away , distant. And I say this with pain in my heart, but I don’t feel it- I am so sorry love. I know that I love you, but I don’t feel anything now. I am so sorry. How could you even live with me, if this is who I am?If this is how I am?

It’s like something in a museum you can’t touch. It’s far, distant. I don’t feel it right now.

It’s just there.

I have a new house. I should move. Should make it a nice place. Should act. I don’t care. Everything is empty.

I should make future plans and goals. Things I really like to do. But I can’t care – it’s empty, far, I don’t feel it. I dont see it.

I am empty.

I am such an empty person.

I feel empty.

because I am.

And it hurts.

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The wedding

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I was invited to attend this wedding. Usually I avoid and skip these things.
But you can’t do that all the time.

I tried to have fun. I tried to be normal. But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t blend in with the people, or the atmosphere. This huge distance.
I couldn’t talk and socialize and act funny and nice.

All I could do, was to stand aside , on a distance.
Observing. Trying to blend in. Trying to be like them.

But no matter what, it didn’t work.

I felt better in the darkness of the night.

From a distance.

Well, I tried. It just didn’t work out.

it’s all that i am

sadbear

 

The first thing you can’t miss is the darkness, or the void.
It’s like having two faces, or a faceless face.
A nothing becomes a huge void, and it grows so large that you can’t see the edges, no matter how long you stare. You can not really look for it either. You can only sense it.

There is nothing left to say, because this is all that I am. And everything that I am not.
Probably it doesn’t make sense if you don’t know the touch of it, but if you do, I do not even need to explain this. It’s harder to grasp than the darkness when the lights fall out. It’s harder to grasp because you can only know if you know.

And where the streets end into the wild, that is maybe where the peace comes back. Though the bitter truth is that you can’t escape it. Sometimes you want to fake it, because the pain becomes so strong that you can’t get rid of it. It’s a pain you can not fight.

you should have forgotten about me
I should have forgotten about you

but should is not the truth

and what keeps me on this line
and I hate it
and I appreciate it
maybe I love it, but I don’t know that now.

All I know is that it’s difficult. Like really difficult.