You are far, but the sky is always close,
The sky that touches everything, and nothing, at the same time:
The same sky that makes us apart,
The same sky that brings us together,
The same sky that keeps us bound.
They were all ours, on this sunny day.
You and me, sitting on a terrace in the city center. It was one week and one day ago. I remember it perfectly. The day before I left. Inside I was sad because I know I would leave, and I didn’t want to. You were sitting on the opposite side. We were having lunch. The same dish. We would go to the museum after – the kind of museum I visited too often and made me impatient lately – I’m still sorry for that. I remember looking at you,- realizing how precious you are to me.
We walked in the park, and I remember how I wished it to be warmer so we could lie down in the grass. Like that time we did in Serbia when we were still the random friends, without knowing that we would really love each other deeply and be together more ‘seriously’. The grass, the sky, the sun, and how your head was on my leg and we just stared at the sky and talked and talked and just lay there, in the grass.
This was a difficult week for me. I tried to get distracted by work, but all where my mind went, was you. All I wanted was to be with you, instead of being here alone. That you would be there when I would come home from work and that I would cook for you. And we would go on a walk together next to the Garonne, on our secret path, or where ever we would be..
How I miss the most simple things the most. Just looking at you. Sitting next to you. Playing silly games with the Whalepillow. Going to the grocery store – watching a movie, walking outside in the sun…
How I realize how empty my life is without you. How dangerous that is, but I can’t help it. It’s dangerous to love someone deeply. It can be over in a second. It can be over, so unexpected. But I don’t want that to happen. You make the world so much more beautiful for me. And it’s also dangerous not to love. It’s both sides, like everything in life. But I can’t choose, because I just love you, it’s there and there is nothing I can do about that.
And every single day, I ask myself if I really had to take that plane. And go back to my job. Away from you again. Every single day.
Should I have said ‘fuck you work, I stay with my love’. Should I have let the plane go, to stay with my love. It’s terrible to have a distant love, and it’s beautiful at the same time. It could be worse, but it sometimes feels like hell to not be able to be together and not knowing when you can. I want to be with you, but I also want to be safe with you and be able to have our place, have the basic things, and not end up on the streets. I want that there is a future. For you, for me, for us.
Today, the clouds seem just like last week. We sitting on a terrace. But I’m sitting and typing on the computer, observing the sky from behind the window. You are probably at work, not being able to see the sky. But the sky is in the heart, and so it will be okay.
When we leave the house, it’s dark outside. The streets are empty and most people are still sleeping – there are no signs of life. I turn on the car, and we drive off. An empty highway, and music playing softly. Sometimes shortly, I hold the hand of I-love-very-much-far-away-friend. A few times I have to fight my emotions, but tears are slipping away from my eyes. This drive is not one I want. She’s leaving. I don’t want to wave bye on the airport. I want to stay with her. I want her to stay with me.
Last week, I drove to this airport. as well. And I had to cry several times. I don’t know what happened to me, but I feel like I’m an emotional mess – crying about silly things. Even in public, I can not fight my tears.
A few hours ago we were lying in bed together, sleeping. A day ago, I thought; 24 hours left. I don’t want to count down the time, but it happens. I tried not to think about it, but leaving time was coming, and it made me feel sad inside. I woke up at 2:59 am. Thinking that within 12 hours, I would be alone again. Thinking about how happy she makes me, how much life becomes nicer and is nicer, with her. Thinking about how happy I sometimes felt lately. How beautiful she is, in and out side. How my depressions fade away. How different I feel when we are together. How beautiful life is with her.
And on, and on, and on.
When we drove to the airport, we saw the sunrise. It was a very, very beautiful sunrise. Empty highways, yellow-pink sky. We both watch it in silence. It’s a moment you want to last forever, tough yet you don’t want it to last forever since then it wouldn’t be so nice anymore but still.
At the airport, the tears came again. I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried. I felt like I was the only one at the airport crying , and I couldn’t stop. I wanted to be strong, tell her how much I love her and how happy she makes me and say positive things, that she will feel good and not see me crying. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
I kissed her. Realizing that this kiss would be the last real kiss in a while. Realizing that this hug will be the real last hug in some time. I know I will see her again, but I don’t want to be so far away from her. I don’t want to wait for months. All I want, is to be with her. To be close, to her.
Now I start to understand how it really feels when your loved one is far away from you. The things she told me, now I have an explosion of feelings how it feels. Of course I missed her, but in time, feelings seem to fade. I get numb when I don’t see her for a certain amount of time. And yet I know the feelings are somewhere, things just get numb to survive and make it bearable?
I stood outside on the platform, watching her plane getting ready for departure. My parking tiime expired, but I didn’t go back because I didn’t want to miss the plane. I watched the plane leaving. Tears and tears and tears.
Why am I not in that plane? Why the hell am I such a wussy I just don’t take the leap and be with her? Because, I have to arrange some things. Because, she has to finish some things. Finish her work there.
I walk back to the car. Alone. Tears. I take a deep breath. Drive away from the airport, and every mile, every kilometer, is one further away from her. Our paths get distant again. For a while I know, just for a while.
i-love-very-much-far-away-friend is in the plane in the sky.
I’m here in the car alone.
I turn on the radio and ‘A heart of gold is playing’.
A heart of gold.
Yeah, she really has a heart of gold.
but for now, my heart is stuck in tears. Why does this sting like hell? Why do I keep crying? Why are these emotions so heavy?