The face without the picture

 

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The winter tends to blow apart –
where autumn reminds the flowers to drop their leaves
it’s not the time, yet.

in the hallway, there is a bookcase,
dark brown, from wood,
old books, a vase, and a picture frame
where it should –

stand alone
or stand together
It’s a frameless frame for what it matters
And what you see is what you get

The life without the heart
A rain that doesn’t wet.

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Happy clouds

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They were all ours, on this sunny day.

You and me, sitting on a terrace in the city center. It was one week and one day ago. I remember it perfectly. The day before I left. Inside I was sad because I know I would leave, and I didn’t want to. You were sitting on the opposite side. We were having lunch. The same dish. We would go to the museum after – the kind of museum I visited too often and made me impatient lately – I’m still sorry for that. I remember looking at you,- realizing how precious you are to me.

We walked in the park, and I remember how I wished it to be warmer so we could lie down in the grass. Like that time we did in Serbia when we were still the random friends, without knowing that we would really love each other deeply and be together more ‘seriously’. The grass, the sky, the sun, and how your head was on my leg and we just stared at the sky and talked and talked and just lay there, in the grass.

This was a difficult week for me. I tried to get distracted by work, but all where my mind went, was you. All I wanted was to be with you, instead of being here alone. That you would be there when I would come home from work and that I would cook for you. And we would go on a walk together next to the Garonne, on our secret path, or where ever we would be..

How I miss the most simple things the most. Just looking at you. Sitting next to you. Playing silly games with the Whalepillow. Going to the grocery store – watching a movie, walking outside in the sun…

How I realize how empty my life is without you. How dangerous that is, but I can’t help it. It’s dangerous to love someone deeply. It can be over in a second. It can be over, so unexpected. But I don’t want that to happen. You make the world so much more beautiful for me. And it’s also dangerous not to love. It’s both sides, like everything in life. But I can’t choose, because I just love you, it’s there and there is nothing I can do about that.

And every single day, I ask myself if I really had to take that plane. And go back to my job. Away from you again. Every single day.

Should I have said ‘fuck you work, I stay with my love’. Should I have let the plane go, to stay with my love. It’s terrible to have a distant love, and it’s beautiful at the same time. It could be worse, but it sometimes feels like hell to not be able to be together and not knowing when you can. I want to be with you, but I also want to be safe with you and be able to have our place, have the basic things, and not end up on the streets. I want that there is a future. For you, for me, for us.

Today, the clouds seem just like last week. We sitting on a terrace. But I’m sitting and typing on the computer, observing the sky from behind the window. You are probably at work, not being able to see the sky. But the sky is in the heart, and so it will be okay.

Under my feet

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Somewhere underground,

a cold and dark place, that’s where you are.

Or what is left of you I should say, I suppose.

Sometimes I still can’t grasp it,

but I guess its true.

When I go to your house,

You’re not there anymore.

When I walk in your street,

You’re not there anymore.

When I ring your number

You don’t pick up anymore.

Everything changed. It’s sad how difficult it ended. It’s sad to think about the pain you had, about the pain the people who love you have. I would change it if I could, but I can’t.

All I can do, is hope that wherever you are, where ever you could be, is that you still know.

You’re place changed.

You’re there, under the ground.

It’s still so weird to think of that.

All I can do – is nothing really.

All i can do – Is try to be – good.

Thousand pieces in the sky

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You are my thousand pieces in the sky,

Seperate little parts, though always keeping an eye

it’s the big whole –

nothing can break that apart.

everything can break that apart.

 

so there is nothing, to be afraid for.

You are there,

I am here,

under the same sky.

 

Sigarettes and the sparrow

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There’s sigarettes, a sparrow and me, and I don’t even smoke. It’s a rainy day and I stand on this busy busstation. Actually I don’t want to leave, but somehow “I have to”.

While the rain is pouring down, I drop my bag at a bench. The bench is not wet, but I refuse to sit down. Failure, is spinning in my head, failure. Everyone seems to be able to work something out, be good in something, and here I am – giant failure of the world.

I can’t do my job, I’m too slow, it’s too messy in my head. I’m good in researching, I know, but I can’t put limits. Somehow things need to be black and white to understand, but I know it’s impossible and I always find the exceptions. And I can’t deal with them.

It’s frustrating.

On social media, my eyes pick up signs. Of people who do better than me, of people who seem to fit better , for people who do meaningful things. Here I am, I think, trying to make things work, but failing all the time.

For the first time since my job started, I had a terrible day. Nothing worked out. I felt confused. I wasn’t able to function like I should. I felt that I should give up on the job: I can’t do it, it’s too complicated for me, was all I thought for a while.

I didn’t quit. I just drove home, and I guess I will start again tomorrow.

A brand new day. A brand new day for a nobody like me. Emptiness. Meaningless.
What’s the point?