Not everything is possible

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Outside the window,
I see fog, the traffic, the sky
trees saying goodbye to their leaves
they turned from green to yellow to leafless
but there is no rain

A deep sigh, it’s my own, and I don’t even hear
Staring to the outside world,
I’m a statue on my own couch
Frozen, where silence remains

After all
Sometimes the world is just living its life
no matter if you want to be part of it
it plays its game, dead or alive.

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It’s there, just over there.

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The person next to you points somewhere in front of you. It’s all you have to see.
It’s all you have to do. For the others, it’s clear where it is. It’s clear what to do.
And yet, you’re walking, not even standing still, but walking, but it’s not clear at all.

There, just there. Just this. Just that.
And all you do is stare. It’s there, probably, perhaps, but you can’t see it. You just stare into eternity (as far as that’s eternal) but it doesn’t change anything.

No one can understand why you can’t see it.
No one will understand why you can’t feel it.

It’s like the earth, in the galaxy – it’s staring, but it doesn’t see. For what? Where to?

Airport coffee

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Airport coffee, trying to ease the pain

to refill the emtpiness inside of me,

to stop the rain.

 

And I know that soon every minute,

every second you will get further and further away.

I’m not sure if I want this, but I don’t do anything to stop this

I just let it happen, today.

The conflict with myself.
I’m watching outside of the window and stare

at the plane that’s waiting and getting ready to leave

with the boarding pass in my hand, I’m trying not to grieve

 

Airport coffee,

I wish it would fill this gap inside my heart,

I wish it would bring me close to you,

 

I wish it would

I wish it would do so many things,

 

but it doesn’t

take the emptiness inside of me away.

Thousand pieces in the sky

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You are my thousand pieces in the sky,

Seperate little parts, though always keeping an eye

it’s the big whole –

nothing can break that apart.

everything can break that apart.

 

so there is nothing, to be afraid for.

You are there,

I am here,

under the same sky.

 

Find you, find me.

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And I look at your sunset. It’s live, but it’s far away from me. I can see it, but I can’t touch it. I can dream it, but I can’t experience it. I can remember, but I want it to be reality.

Sometimes, there is an intense sadness that comes over me. Deep inside, I know exactly why. Deep inside, there is this little piece of hope, that hopes to become the person that I seem to be; that hopes that once, there will be air to breathe, and space to move forward.

Hope hopes. Hopeless hope?

And I feel sad, intense sad, because I feel lonely and lost. Feeling lost for so long, running around in this maze, and imagine that you’ll never find the exit. All you see is a repeat of the same leaves you ran next to so many times . You see the seasons change, but never catch a glimpse of the exit.

I feel sad, because I miss the person I love. Why are we so far away? It’s cruel. I know, I should be grateful, thanks to the online world, thanks to Skype, thanks to webcams, thanks to microphones, that I can see her, I can hear her voice, I can talk with her.

But there is something that I reall mis. And that’s to be with her. To feel her presense, to put my head on her shoulder. To have her head on my shoulder. To just lie down and watch the sky. And my arms touches hers. To wake up, and see her next to me. To make breakfast for her. To go grocery shopping and sort out the food we will cook together.

I know I can count down the days. Twenty, to be exactly, just twenty days. It’s nothing right? All I know is that I don’t want it to be months away from her every time again. It hurts, it really hurts. I want and need to change my life again. But this time,  I want to change it with her in it, in real. I don’t have much direction in my life, after trying a few things, I kind of got on a no directions track. She’s the head direction at this moment. She is not my everything, but she is a lot. There is more in the world besides her, of course, it’s dangerous to have just one thing, especially when it’s a person, in life. But everything seems to fall into nothing compared to her. Sometimes it’s scary for me, how I never thought being able to connect with people, to love someone this way.

I just can deal better with the world with her around me. I want to do things, with her around me. I try things, with her around me. For myself, it doesn’t really matter, or I can’t find the strenght, to move. It’s dangerous, and at the same time, it seems to be my saviour, in some ways. She makes me move. And not only in my heart.

Twenty days. Just twenty days.

They don’t take away my sadness. Twenty days can be a lot. They can be a lot.

Future

Sometimes I can’t see the future,
because I’m trapped in an invisible prison,
One that takes away your views and shuts off all sounds.

Sometimes I can’t bear the light,
And my eyes can only handle the dark
And everything can be both; wrong or right – there is no answer to be found.

Though sometimes I can see it, but it is far away,
I see a place and a person
and much nicer days.

Sometimes it seems out of reach and
sometimes it seems closer than before
And timeframes are getting closer
and at the same are too far away

It is all perceptive,
and days go by and days grow cold,
sometimes I want to fast forward,
and sometimes put a moment forever on hold.