The sadness that is coming back every time once in a while

Sometimes, like in most of the times, I try to forget all about it. I’m (appearantly) a living soul in the world, but I have no idea what I want in certain ways.

One of the things that I’m not too proud of, is that I (again, and still) live with my parents. It’s not in the way like some people think: I do my own laundry, I vacuum, I go grocery shopping and I do the things that need to be done. It’s in no way a hotel like some people tend to think. Not that I should care about other people’s opinions, but yet it affects me sometimes.

Now that I have a job (but not a secure one though) I should go live on my own. ANd I guess I would like to, but, yeah, but;

  • how the hell do you define or decide what is the place where you want to live?
  • how the hell can you easily or quickly find a house or room IF it seems to be normal to have a subscription for like 6 or more years to be able to make a chance for getting to rent a social housing thing?

Am I to blame that I didn’t subscribe? But how could I have known years ago where I would be right now? How do people do that? Seriously?

It brings in so many conflicts within me. I can’t stay here, I know. And I can’t go as well.

It makes me feel so sad, and hopeless, and powerless.

I want to, and yet there are so many difficulties and obstacles.

Can anything be easy? Something basic, and yet so difficult to reach.

It must be the error inside of me, that I don’t get this. That I can’t get this to work.

Stuck. I’m stuck.