You are far, but the sky is always close,
The sky that touches everything, and nothing, at the same time:
The same sky that makes us apart,
The same sky that brings us together,
The same sky that keeps us bound.
They were all ours, on this sunny day.
You and me, sitting on a terrace in the city center. It was one week and one day ago. I remember it perfectly. The day before I left. Inside I was sad because I know I would leave, and I didn’t want to. You were sitting on the opposite side. We were having lunch. The same dish. We would go to the museum after – the kind of museum I visited too often and made me impatient lately – I’m still sorry for that. I remember looking at you,- realizing how precious you are to me.
We walked in the park, and I remember how I wished it to be warmer so we could lie down in the grass. Like that time we did in Serbia when we were still the random friends, without knowing that we would really love each other deeply and be together more ‘seriously’. The grass, the sky, the sun, and how your head was on my leg and we just stared at the sky and talked and talked and just lay there, in the grass.
This was a difficult week for me. I tried to get distracted by work, but all where my mind went, was you. All I wanted was to be with you, instead of being here alone. That you would be there when I would come home from work and that I would cook for you. And we would go on a walk together next to the Garonne, on our secret path, or where ever we would be..
How I miss the most simple things the most. Just looking at you. Sitting next to you. Playing silly games with the Whalepillow. Going to the grocery store – watching a movie, walking outside in the sun…
How I realize how empty my life is without you. How dangerous that is, but I can’t help it. It’s dangerous to love someone deeply. It can be over in a second. It can be over, so unexpected. But I don’t want that to happen. You make the world so much more beautiful for me. And it’s also dangerous not to love. It’s both sides, like everything in life. But I can’t choose, because I just love you, it’s there and there is nothing I can do about that.
And every single day, I ask myself if I really had to take that plane. And go back to my job. Away from you again. Every single day.
Should I have said ‘fuck you work, I stay with my love’. Should I have let the plane go, to stay with my love. It’s terrible to have a distant love, and it’s beautiful at the same time. It could be worse, but it sometimes feels like hell to not be able to be together and not knowing when you can. I want to be with you, but I also want to be safe with you and be able to have our place, have the basic things, and not end up on the streets. I want that there is a future. For you, for me, for us.
Today, the clouds seem just like last week. We sitting on a terrace. But I’m sitting and typing on the computer, observing the sky from behind the window. You are probably at work, not being able to see the sky. But the sky is in the heart, and so it will be okay.
Last week, there was a lot of time to think. I had a hard time with work, since my jaw hurted pretty badly from my dental surgery. It still does, actually. Friday I really tried, but I had to call in sick during the afternoon. I just couldn’t stay there anymore.
Somehow I slept a lot during the week, 10 hours a day is nothing. I don’t know if that’s because of the tooth, of something else too. I feel that I tend to depression again, but I’m doing what I can.
Yet, I know I don’t do enough to stay healthy, active, strong. All I do is lie in bed, sit behind the computer, play Fable on my Xbox, read my new book about the Chernobyl disaster. I know I’m not moving enough, but somehow that is superhard to do, but I don’t get it.
I know I like exercise, I know I feel better, I know I’ll be in better shape, and what do I do? The complete opposite of what I should do! I noticed I gained weight and I feel heavy. I haven’t been to Jiu Jitsu training for 3 weeks now (there was a holidayweek, one evening I was too tired and late from work and last week I didn’t go because of my jaw/dental surgery). But Jiu Jitsu, is not enough. I need to extend my exercise.
- I dont want to grow fat
- I need to take care of my health
- Its better to exercise more because I like to be active and I want to do things I need a good condition for
- I would like to be in shape.
So WHY, am I not doing anything about that. Why?
Upcoming winter, I would like to go on ski holidays. I’ve been wanting this for over 10 years, yet I never went. I could never find anyone to go with me, and I was not brave enough to go by myself. This time I found someone. I will go with my love.
So I guess I should better go and take some lessons. I’m looking for them now. There are no mountains over here, so I will go to some indoor class. I guess I should do that. But I have no endurance, strenght or flexibility I guess – my body isn’t in shape at all. This is something I will have to do alone, since love is far away from me and I don’t know anyone else who would like to learn to ski or join me. So, something to work on. I know I can do it, but it’s a bit of a challenge.
I also wanted to follow French classes, to be able to speak in love’s country. To be able to have a change to find a job and work in that country, so we can live together one day. Yet all I did was listen and try some youtube videos. I looked for a course but it only starts in february, so I will have to wait before I sign up. This will be a challenge too, next to my job.
Oh about the job. My contract ends this week, but last week I learned that I will have an extention untill april 2016. That’s quite some time. I’m happy, but at the same time work will ask a lot from me, it will be busy, I will work fulltime (there’s not much chance to get less hours, you have to have a very good reason for it, like children or studying, and I don’t have this in their eyes).
I’m also pissed of with my job, because I wanted to go with Christmasholidays to my love. I asked off in August. It was somehow difficult to give an answer, so I asked if there was another option to go in November and work with Christmas holidays, but no reply. And now I got an answer, but all flights are :
- superexpensive (3times normal price)
- or with 3 stopovers so the travel takes up till 25 hours while just one flight of 1h30 minutes is enough to get there.
I didn’t book yet. I don’t know what to do. Money isnt everything, but I’m annoyed by this and I don’t want to have a 25h travel- too exhausting.
So far so good, that’s how my life is at the moment.
Airport coffee, trying to ease the pain
to refill the emtpiness inside of me,
to stop the rain.
And I know that soon every minute,
every second you will get further and further away.
I’m not sure if I want this, but I don’t do anything to stop this
I just let it happen, today.
The conflict with myself.
I’m watching outside of the window and stare
at the plane that’s waiting and getting ready to leave
with the boarding pass in my hand, I’m trying not to grieve
I wish it would fill this gap inside my heart,
I wish it would bring me close to you,
I wish it would
I wish it would do so many things,
but it doesn’t
take the emptiness inside of me away.