Looking forward

Next to the dull, nothing saying life that I lead at the moment there is a small twinkle in my heart.

Last week I got some holiday time approved at work. Yesterday I booked a flight to France. I have two weeks off, and I leave the day after work ends and I return the day before work starts again. I want to have the maximum time abroad. I really look forward to see my love again and to go abroad and be in the mountains and discover new places. Being on the road.

We will go together, she will have her new place to live, I will see a new city, a place she loves to be. It’s close to mountains too, which is perfect. We will go on a roadtrip together, which I’m really looking forward too. We plan to go to Andorra, and maybe Spain too. I always have wanted to go to Andorra, but somehow it never came that far. This year it seems to be close; though I haven’t really planned this – I planned a lot of other things I wanted to see, but this was not even in the top five I guess. I don’t mind. It’s perfect. I’ll be with my love, we will see great places, new places, I’ll see her city, and we’ll have a roadtrip together. It can’t be better than that. I am happy with this knowlegde that this will happen in less than a month.

For one of the very less times i can really say that:

I’M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO SOMETHING!

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a careless summer

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It was a summer, not so long ago, but almost far away in vague memories. A bright blue sky, the sun still on it’s way to the top. A light breeze made the trees dance – everything looked peaceful, as if nothing bad in the world existed. Little insects danced on the water, dragonflies seemed busy with something I didn’t understand. I watched the water fall down and listened to the sound, while I took sips of the cappucino I ordered. This place was extraordinary, though it didn’t look that way.  The terrace was empty – I was the only customer. I stared into the distance, where the town lay in the canyon. This place, was the place, where I felt careless just for the moment.

Difficult things and questions

A few days ago I reblogged a post about family/ issues/ abroad. Of course things are not only this way, like everything, everything has more perspectives and different sides. I can’t say I like or dislike my family, I just can’t put it into words. Things can be sad in one way, and sad in the other. Somethings go like they go and they go unplanned.  Answers are really hard to define.

How much do you love family you don’t really know? How do you know someone? Sometimes people you think you know do something you never expect from them. Sometimes people hide big secrets, while you know them your whole life. How far do you go for someone you love? What to you do when someone is sick but abroad? Do you go there everytime? You never know when the last time is you see anyone. You (almost) never know when someone is going to die. You (almost) never know when the last time is you see someone. It’s so complicated.

My grandma is in hospital for the second week now. She goes there every month to gather some strenghts with medication and vitamin injections for her illnesses. Usually, after a week, she can go home. But now, she can’t. Because for a week now she has fever. The doctors don’t know where it’s coming from. And she is not so strong physically. She’s really thin and her illnesses take a lot of energy.  Last night her roommate in the hospital died. She had fever too. It’s a bit worrying. My mom doesn’t feel good. She says something doesnt feel right this time.

I asked her if she wanted to go there; this week I would be able to drive there without any problems. She said not; because sometimes you can’t say goodbye to someone, she told me, you never know when someone is going to die. I guess especially not in the case of my grandma, because she is sick for so long and they have been worried so many times for years now. It’s complicated.

And this, brings so much questions for me.

What if, you know, what if something happens now? Or next week?

What am I supposed to do? Say to my new job, sorry guys, I can’t come ?

The risk is large if I do/say this, that I will not have the job anymore. Anyway I  will miss the required training and I will not be able to start the job anymore.

This could have consequenses for my future, but is it worth of the other side?

The other risk is, that maybe something will happen to my grandma and I will never see her again. But I dont know.

Man, these kind of decisions suck. Because in fact they are simple and complicated at the same time; if it would be my mom, I would not hestitate and go there I think. Why do I feel different towards my grandma? Because I know her less? I feel bad about myself I feel and talk like this about a human being. Something doesn’t feel right. Usually, it would be simple; the human goes first, the job? never mind. But why does it feel that my future is on a balance point to and a wrong decision could make my own future impossible?

Sorry, I hope I will not get misunderstood. I feel terrible writing like this, writing about this, I almost feel like a monster thinking about it like this.

I just try to make sense of it, but this seems impossible.

 

Unexpected friend

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I’m traveling alone, walking down roads, walking down paths, crossing people,

A cloudy sun looks down on me, the wind takes the loose ones, and I’m far away from home

Every step on these slippery bricks is a risk that I was willing to take,

Sometimes there is no way back when you took the first step awake.

Hello new city, following new paths

and places in abandonment are way too good to last –

And this is where I found my unexpected friend

Just lasted for a few minutes but

for a change, a time together spend.

Another world

The move has been made. I can’t really say I’ve settled in because it is rough here. I have a hard time adapt to life here. My language teacher is sick and it’s really hard to do it alone. Already it is hard for me to communicate with people in general, but this is even more rough somehow. I have been feeling very lonely and disconnected.There doesn’t seem to be much expectations of me, at least not yet. And work is so different from what I am used to. The days are short, and work looks more like what i know as socializing. There is almost no pressure. It’s almost a kind of chaos, but the people from here seem to be able to navigate through it and understand it. I don’t.

I wouldn’t mention that as a particularly bad thing, but it;s just different and it is a bit hard for me to adapt to it.  I know its just a week I’m here now, and I should give it some time.

My flat is not too bad. I have a bed, a kitchen, a couch, a fridge and a freezer and I can cook. I have a washing machine. A balcony with a view on a small waterfall and an abandoned hotel and abandoned swimming pool. I have a ” shower”  too, but you have to hold it and there is only warm water for maximum 5 minutes. I have a tv, with 2 channels with 70% snow. There are just a few small grocery shops and vegetables are REALLY hard to find, they are just not there. I really miss them already and I hope I can find a solution for that. Vegetables. People here eat different. They eat a lot more ‘ junk food’  aka cookies and pizza and something called burek during the day, which is what i would say, not too good food to eat every day. I don’t want to talk bad about that, don’t get me wrong, but I do value healthy nutrition to keep healthy myself. Also everyone smokes here, what is a problem for me, since I had serious lung damage in the past and after that things never were never okay again really. People smoke here in cafe’s, at work places, everywhere. I can not expect them to stop smoking for me since I came here, so I will have to find a solution for that. I can not see myself being in the office everyday surrounded by smoke. I wanted to get better, to get out of these depression traps, to develop my health, to get stronger and eat healthy here and reload myself. I have to find a way to do that, because, it is not something that seems to be general or common here.

There are not really other shops here and there aren’t other facilities, the library has closed and there is almost no public transport; just 2 busses a day early in the morning. Everything is pretty far from here, so I have to think of a way to get a car or I don’t know what, but I feel a bit locked up already. So far that.

The traces of the war, roughly spoken it was 19 years ago, are still very noticeable and things seem to be very messed up still. War has terrible effects. I see the hurt, I even feel the hurt, even if I was not here during the war. I feel so sorry somehow, and I wonder what it is that these people motivate to go on everyday. It’s so hard to grasp for me. I probably wouldn’ t have made it so far if i were in a situation like that.

Someone I shortly spoke to said to me: If you are here long enough, you will see for yourself how messed up it is here. But no need to be here long enough, I already felt and saw it the second day I was here.

There are lots of abandoned buildings, abandoned animals (I also have difficulties seeing that). I don’t know. I should probably give it some time, to adapt to life here, but right now, I feel alone and there is no one really I can talk to.Is this the culture shock? Well…I’m glad I can go online sometimes now (though I don’t have a computer or internet of my own, but its really nice they gave me a key of the office and allowed me to go here in the evenings and during weekends, which I am very grateful for)So .I hope I can catch up reading other blogs again and find some support somewhere.

I went from a world of nothingness to another one, and it caused a lot of doubts inside of me. That things will never be okay for me again because it doesn’t matter where you are, inside things will stay the same. Once depressed, always depressed, it almost seems. How could I even think a change of scenery would help me? Things are very confusing right now. Maybe I am way more anxious and crazy in certain ways then I think I was. A lot of things going through my mind. That I will never be able to blend in life, but always will be an outsider , disconnected, not part of it. Or maybe, all the things that happened in the last couple of years in my life have been destroying me more then I realized. And I don’t know how to heal from them. It’s so confusing, I don’t know what truth is. Sorry for this rant.

Tomorrow I’m leaving very early for a training in Sarajevo. There seems to be a bus at 5.55. Someone told me that, since there doesn’t seem to be any timetable. So I hope that is going to work out.  I have no idea what to expect of it, and I might be offline for a week, but I’ll be back after. Everything is just so conflicting right now.

Hope you are all doing well.

Time flies, even when you’re not having fun

Sometimes time doesn’t only fly when you’re having fun, but it can also fly when you are not having fun. In the past, I remember a lot of days that just wouldn’t pass and went by so so slowly, but now, even  when the days are depressing or sad or empty, they just pass so quickly.

Suddenly times passes so much quicker now my move abroad comes closer – and I’m ready and I’m not ready. Departure day used to be quite far away, somehow it came close so fast while it seemed far away and there was plenty of time, and now I can feel the minutes and seconds coming close.

Somehow, things are overwhelming me. I wanted to be completely ready to leave but I am still not. There are still plenty of things to do; pack one of my bags, print my tickets, arrange my room. But somehow inside of me there is complete chaos. There are certain feelings that I find difficult to deal with. Rationally, I know this is the right thing to do and that this will be a good step which hopefully makes me move forward again, but emotionally, or something, there are so much things going on I can not really find the words for to describe and I find very hard to handle, and don’t really know how to deal with. It’s mixed up, and I feel these waves going through me that feel like I will crash and explode like waves can crash on the shore – waterdrops into so many tiny pieces, crushed, all over the place. I guess I should let certain things go, but, I don’t seem to be able to do so. Really, I wish letting go was easier, with certain things.

I seem to be an icecube that can not move. But time doesn’t wait or stop. That is very, very clear. Life doesn’t wait, nothing waits. Got to move. Nothing waits. But I’m standing still. The life I lead is not mine. It’s not me. But I have to move. Even when I froze, I have to move.

The last couple of days I have been wanting to write more, but somehow nothing came out. I manage to read other blogs, but replying freezes as well (sorry). I felt often that I wanted to write something but when I try, everything seems to freeze and I can not seem to finish or write it. Somehow I can’t have much on my plate, even with the smallest things I feel like I’m totally exhausted. I’m just ouf ot energy, too exhausted, tired, I don’t know. Probably it will be good that my move is soon now and that I will be in a world on a distance from everthing in my life. I need this distance. I need to get away from the life that is not mine. The life others want me to be. The life others seem to expect , or try to control. (But why is it still so hard??)

Well, I might be “away” for a (little?) while soon because in a few days I will make my move abroad. And I have no idea how internetacces will going to be. Also, I don’t have a computer myself I can take so it may stay quiet for a while. I hope I can continue writing and reading and get back on wordpress, because lately it felt nice to be on here somehow. I appreciated the interactions with fellow-bloggers, and learning and reading from you/them. But it might be a bit difficult in the upcoming few weeks to acces the world wide web. I don’t know how things will turn out.  Guess I’m a bit scared for what will come, but, I am also scared about the current situation. Conflicting feelings again. Well anyway, I’m still ready, even if I’m not ready.