Living what life?

Imagine. But it’s a truth.

I have a day job.A changing amount of hours every week. Nothing steady, nothing fancy.   Permanent contracts out of the question . It’s not the question if you have to leave or not:  the question is when.

It’s not a special job: everyone could do it I guess, there is no special degree needed for it, though when they make selections, they kind of pretend it that way.

Despite that the colleagues are nice, I guess the job is not making me happy at all. I keep telling myself that it could be worse, and seriously, this is not the worst job I had. In fact it’s the best, as you speak in friendliness and payment. But that, is not everything.

And however I make enough to support myself, it will not, or never,  make me rich. It will not help me to buy a house or something. It will just help me to pay the bills, and lead a moderate life in terms of – yeah, in terms of what exactly?

Work became something I don’t look forward to anymore. It became dull, unrewarding, and the days become longer, though in minutes they didn’t expand at all. I feel like a robot, a part of a system that isn’t really a good one, but, that’s something you should’t care or question about; it just makes things more complicated for yourself.

there are a lot of indications that this isn’t the job that makes me happy.It gets harder in time. I get headaches, I’m tired, and I care less, I lost my motivation. I try to do things right, but it’s never right anyway and hard working doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s not even notices. Maybe I would really like to find a job in my field of interest, but I don’t really know what my field of interest is. Often people say that is bullshit, but I’m really not sure myself.

As well I always feel like I’m not qualified enough or there is too much asked in a profile which I’m not. Also this game of who’s the best candidate, and all this fancy stuff, isn’t my thing. Sometimes I wonder about going back to study, but it’s unsure how I could afford that or support myself. And if I could make it, with my mental struggles. I guess I have motivation issues. It’s not that I don’t want, I’m not sure exactly what it is. It just makes things complicated. I also wonder if the degree or certificate would help anyway- I don’t think so). It would be just lost money. But what am I working towards to? To keep working like this and supporting myself to rent a house and buy food and keep that going for 20 or 30 years?
I passed the point where all the questions and thoughts keep me from sleeping. It became normal part of my life. Where simply a year ago these things would keep me up , they became a part of me – they don’t keep me from sleeping, but just continue during my sleep.

I wish I could explain how I feel. But the truth is: I’m not sure myself.

All I know is that I struggle to find my words, to find my feelings, to find the change.

All I know is that what you are reading, are just words to you, but it’s blood of my soul.

And all the words that I can’t find, are frustrating me that I can’t get them out.

That I can’t find the step to change. That I can’t do things different.

that I don’t know what I feel. That I dont know what i want.

That I just can’t make things better for myself.

What am I living?

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Empty floors

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After a day and after the rain
Because you didn’t see the sun
You open the door because it was locked
And you will see that the curtains are wide open

Light is falling on the floor
Structures, just being there in silence
and in fact the only presence in your life

You did not pay for them. They did not pay for you.
You did not ask for them. They did not ask for you.

And day after day
Every day the same, but in different perspectives
You open this door
One day in the dark
One day in the light

Nothing changes,
Yet everything changes.
Just because of that.

Existing but not living.
Living, but not existing.

 

it’s kind of sad, i guess.

A lot of things going on and I could write about so much things. The world is a sad place. So is mine.

I’m feeling pushed, and that people around me don’t give space. And they seem to blame me for it.

Do they even understand what it’s like to feel depressed, that every day is a fight again and just living life is hard enough, but no, everyone wants you to make plans and future goals and whatever all these things, but it’s already hard enough to struggle through each single day. Without future plans, because they are simply too hard. Without goals, because they are simply too far, out of reach and they eat too much energy. Energy that is needed just to get through the day.

I am angry, and at the same time filled with apathy, sadness, sorrow, and a void.

I can not even talk about it, because it makes me too sad.

But I can say is that I feel under a lot of pressure. People pulling at me.

And I feel very alone. Like VERY alone.

I want to crawl away and hide, and not face anyone and not face the world and not live life. And that is not even possible. How pathetic. Seriously.

The sadness that is coming back every time once in a while

Sometimes, like in most of the times, I try to forget all about it. I’m (appearantly) a living soul in the world, but I have no idea what I want in certain ways.

One of the things that I’m not too proud of, is that I (again, and still) live with my parents. It’s not in the way like some people think: I do my own laundry, I vacuum, I go grocery shopping and I do the things that need to be done. It’s in no way a hotel like some people tend to think. Not that I should care about other people’s opinions, but yet it affects me sometimes.

Now that I have a job (but not a secure one though) I should go live on my own. ANd I guess I would like to, but, yeah, but;

  • how the hell do you define or decide what is the place where you want to live?
  • how the hell can you easily or quickly find a house or room IF it seems to be normal to have a subscription for like 6 or more years to be able to make a chance for getting to rent a social housing thing?

Am I to blame that I didn’t subscribe? But how could I have known years ago where I would be right now? How do people do that? Seriously?

It brings in so many conflicts within me. I can’t stay here, I know. And I can’t go as well.

It makes me feel so sad, and hopeless, and powerless.

I want to, and yet there are so many difficulties and obstacles.

Can anything be easy? Something basic, and yet so difficult to reach.

It must be the error inside of me, that I don’t get this. That I can’t get this to work.

Stuck. I’m stuck.

Thoughts about food, Forks over Knives and seaweed burgers

 A while ago, I came across some articles and documentaries related to food; The China Study, the documentary Forks over Knives and Seaweed burgers
It’s crazy to realize and think about how much crap there is added in food, how much there is messed with food, one of our basic needs.
It’s not so common anymore to find healthy food in the nearby grocery store, since there are added all kinds of chemicals, additives and I don’t know what else more. It;s crazy what happens with food – I don’t know everything (and I probably don’t want to), but I know that food is not just ‘food’ anymore. Watermelons injected with water to make them heavier and sell them for a higher price, meat injected with water for the same reason, the whole proces of food has turned in , well, I think, not so good ways.
We can’t trust what is written on the packages because companies seem to be able to hide things or write “healthy’ on it while its not so healthy at all. And it’s even more crazy that governments allow this. Food, is one of our basic needs, and a lot of food around us seems to be full of crap.
I know too less about all details to know what exactly is good and not, but I surely believe there is too much bad food around. As well how to realize how some factories where they produce meat work, it just makes me sick. And it’s crazy we have to do a research like hell about everything (about food, but also about other things) just because people seem to not care about what’s best for everyone, but about their own profits and how to make the most of it even if that means producing things that have bad effects on others or make them like a slave (for example a part of the clothing industry).  All of these things going on in the world, bother me. They arise so many questions. What are we doing? Is it so weird some people don’t trust anyone? Not really, I think.
Someday, I hope to be able to grow my own food. To live in an environment where I can trust. To live in a place where quality and health and peace and life are more worth and comon than making profits and adding additives and chemicals and such.