Struggle and hope
trying and almost,
trapped and can’t reach
and still there is…
The last few days have been very busy. I’ve been functioning as a kind of callcenter I guess, I never spend so much time making and answering phonecalls. The situation with my grandma is still not safe or well. She had couple of blood transfusions and other injections and more. Since the hospital system works there in a certain way, there is 24 hours a day someone with her, to make sure she gets food or can go to the bathroom. (In this country where I am now the nurses help you with these things, in her country, in a ‘affordable’ hospital, they appareantly don’t – which is sad)
I’m the only one of the family who stayed behind and isn’t there. It makes me feel guilty and weird to have stayed behind, but yet I’m in a very difficult position. A life never can go above work, that is for sure though. But the most important people are surrounding my grandma, and someone had to take care of things here too, which I do now. I truly hope this hospital bacteria is gone and my grandma can recover from everything, but I don’t dare to think of anything since it goes so up and down and her health is so poor. All I can do is hope for the best.
Tomorrow I start my new job – I have to attend 2 weeks of training first. If things turn out that I have to go to the country of my grandma as well, I will lose my job. I truly hope my grandma will recover, because the choice is difficult otherwise. Not to see her anymore and not say farewell or lose the job, and be broke soon and the government could see it as another extra reason to not help me and give benefits – because it is ‘my fault’ that I didn’t start the job. I would have so much more trouble to find a way to be able to live, it’s already hard now.
Seriously, Monsterworld this is- these choices are not fair. But everything is based on financial things and not on really helping people. Everything feels like punishment to me. I dont get this world, I dont want to understand this world. I feel rejected by “my own country” if you can ever speak of your own country.
All I have to do is find a way ‘out’.
Movements, you won’t notice
speeches with hidden words
sounds your ears can not detect but
that doesn’t mean they are not there.
keep your eyes open, always stay on watch
never shut your ears off from the outside,
keep focus in a broad perspective
because there is no bread in the bank,
there is no food in space,
there is no nature in artificial settings,
there is no peace in a war.
Books once written but
now they are nowhere to be found,
you can not find them in the library
not even if you ask out loud.
Do not trust what they tell you,
Always reflect and think yourself
Never surrender to something you can’t stand for
And go to sleep, when it’s becoming twelve.