When you know, a life will end.

Probably, this post is not going to make a lot of sense. A lot of things happened, but I’m tired, if not exhausted, from talking, from trying to find my words, even if I didn’t say anything on here.

With a lot of ups and downs, there will be something clear, unless a miracle happens, but miracles don’t happen. My grandma will die.

It seems that she got wrong medication and that damaged her. Because the doctor didn’t show up. A week later, via via some other doctor was warned, and he did show up. If that didn’t happen she would have been already gone, but it’s too late anyway, so it seems.

It seems that a flu, and a bacteria in a hospital mean the difference between life and death. It seems that she knows, she won’t make it anymore.

It’s weird.

I’m asked to say goodbye via Skype. How can I say goodbye via Skype. What do you say and how do you do when you know it’s the last time you will see someone alive?
It’s one of the hardest things I can imagine to do. I’m not sure if I can.

Yet, I have to. I’m a coward, and what if I was the one who would die? Would I like to see people? I guess so.

My heart breaks in pieces again. Another death coming up. Well, the others I didn’t expect. This one seems ‘predictable’.

But how many days, or hours?

The most difficult decisions have to be made. When, how, what?Where?

One thing is clear: no one wants her to suffer anymore. She suffered a lot.

15 years she had a very serious illness, but she is very strong, with so much willpower. She thought she’d beat the virus, 2 days ago. Today, she realized it was not. Her lungs are too weak. Her body has no backup anymore. The for weeks going on antibiotics are keeping her alive, but she can never again do without it and without it it’s over too.

What kind of life is that?

I imagine her children, my mom, my aunt, my uncle, saying goodbye to her for the last time.


Holding a hand. Sleep. Last breath. And then: cold.

An existence is gone.

It’s not like that, it’s what plays in my head.

It’s so cruel. How can you ever recover from something like that? It’s one of the most terrible pains that can happen, if not the most terrible.

Miracle – if you exist, can you happen now, maybe?

I know life is not forever. I know we’re not immortal. But this is not a good end.

How do I keep standing next week. When I know it will be over. When I have to be there at my new job. What do I say, what do I do? Do I just go and sit and pretend. Do I tell anyone? Whats the point of telling anyone?

ANyway, it doesn’t matter, it’s just cruel. It’s just cruel.



no time to think

The last few days have been very busy. I’ve been functioning as a kind of callcenter I guess, I never spend so much time making and answering phonecalls. The situation with my grandma is still not safe or well. She had couple of blood transfusions and other injections and more. Since the hospital system works there in a certain way, there is 24 hours a day someone with her, to make sure she gets food or can go to the bathroom. (In this country where I am now the nurses help you with these things, in her country, in a ‘affordable’ hospital, they appareantly don’t – which is sad)

I’m the only one of the family who stayed behind and isn’t there. It makes me feel guilty and weird to have stayed behind, but yet I’m in a very difficult position. A life never can go above work, that is for sure though. But the most important people are surrounding my grandma, and someone had to take care of things here too, which I do now. I truly hope this hospital bacteria is gone and my grandma can recover from everything, but I don’t dare to think of anything since it goes so up and down and her health is so poor. All I can do is hope for the best.

Tomorrow I start my new job – I have to attend 2 weeks of training first. If things turn out that I have to go to the country of my grandma as well, I will lose my job. I truly hope my grandma will recover, because the choice is difficult otherwise. Not to see her anymore and not say farewell or lose the job, and be broke soon and the government could see it as another extra reason to not help me and give benefits – because it is ‘my fault’ that I didn’t start the job. I would have so much more trouble to find a way to be able to live, it’s already hard now.

Seriously, Monsterworld this is- these choices are not fair. But everything is based on financial things and not on really helping people. Everything feels like punishment to me. I dont get this world, I dont want to understand this world. I feel rejected by “my own country” if you can ever speak of your own country.

All I have to do is find a way ‘out’.

sad outlooks

Unfortunately, my grandma abroad doesn’t seem to be doing so well. There seems to be some kind of virus going around in the hospital where she is, and two people have already died from it. My grandma is already very weak because of her illnesses, and she doesn’t seem to get much better. She gets two times a day antibiotics, but she still has fever and it doesn’t look good. She already has this fever for over a week.

Today, things got scary. She is getting a blood transfusion. She’s weak. And it’s scary, because the doctor asked for the family to gather there tomorrow. Which is a scary message. What does this mean? Does this mean they expect her to die?

I’m sad. Sad for my grandma, who had such a rough life, and she goes to hospital to reload and recharge and then this happens. I’m sad too, for my mom. Who is too far away, can’t do anything, and if something happens she’s probably not there in time. My mom had a heavy life too, and I know it is hard for her to be far away from her family. I know she feels guilty, because she’s not there. Because she was “too late” when my grandfather, her dad, died. Because she didn’t go see her mom with Christmas, only because of money and because she was so tired from her work. She is almost blaming herself. This makes me sad. There is nothing to blame my mom for. And I’m sad, for my aunt, for my niece, for my uncle, because they recently lost their mother in law/grandmother/mother.

They don’t deserve this.

Difficult things and questions

A few days ago I reblogged a post about family/ issues/ abroad. Of course things are not only this way, like everything, everything has more perspectives and different sides. I can’t say I like or dislike my family, I just can’t put it into words. Things can be sad in one way, and sad in the other. Somethings go like they go and they go unplanned.  Answers are really hard to define.

How much do you love family you don’t really know? How do you know someone? Sometimes people you think you know do something you never expect from them. Sometimes people hide big secrets, while you know them your whole life. How far do you go for someone you love? What to you do when someone is sick but abroad? Do you go there everytime? You never know when the last time is you see anyone. You (almost) never know when someone is going to die. You (almost) never know when the last time is you see someone. It’s so complicated.

My grandma is in hospital for the second week now. She goes there every month to gather some strenghts with medication and vitamin injections for her illnesses. Usually, after a week, she can go home. But now, she can’t. Because for a week now she has fever. The doctors don’t know where it’s coming from. And she is not so strong physically. She’s really thin and her illnesses take a lot of energy.  Last night her roommate in the hospital died. She had fever too. It’s a bit worrying. My mom doesn’t feel good. She says something doesnt feel right this time.

I asked her if she wanted to go there; this week I would be able to drive there without any problems. She said not; because sometimes you can’t say goodbye to someone, she told me, you never know when someone is going to die. I guess especially not in the case of my grandma, because she is sick for so long and they have been worried so many times for years now. It’s complicated.

And this, brings so much questions for me.

What if, you know, what if something happens now? Or next week?

What am I supposed to do? Say to my new job, sorry guys, I can’t come ?

The risk is large if I do/say this, that I will not have the job anymore. Anyway I  will miss the required training and I will not be able to start the job anymore.

This could have consequenses for my future, but is it worth of the other side?

The other risk is, that maybe something will happen to my grandma and I will never see her again. But I dont know.

Man, these kind of decisions suck. Because in fact they are simple and complicated at the same time; if it would be my mom, I would not hestitate and go there I think. Why do I feel different towards my grandma? Because I know her less? I feel bad about myself I feel and talk like this about a human being. Something doesn’t feel right. Usually, it would be simple; the human goes first, the job? never mind. But why does it feel that my future is on a balance point to and a wrong decision could make my own future impossible?

Sorry, I hope I will not get misunderstood. I feel terrible writing like this, writing about this, I almost feel like a monster thinking about it like this.

I just try to make sense of it, but this seems impossible.


What is happening?

Is it anxiety? Is it a physical issue? Am I losing my mind?

Let’s just say it out loud: I am scared. Scared, because I don’t understand what is happening and scared because I don’t know what is causing it. Scared, that I don’t seem to be able to get control back or deal with this. It’s going on, and going on.

Lately, I haven’t been feeling to great physically. And something about that is really bothering me: I can not always say if it really is something physical, or that it is something mentally.  That part I can not seem to work out, and never found any help for how to deal with it.  Somewhere you think it should be easy right, to say when there really is something wrong with you physically or when it is ‘just mentally’?

Well….that is what I always used to think, untill four years ago, when I had a bad pulmonary embolism which I just saw as “it’s just a strained muscle, your head makes things worse’, but next to that, it has been missed 3 times by different doctors. So, it was not only me going crazy, because, the opinion of a doctor, was important, and they said it was okay first right? (No hard feelings towards docs though – somethings are hard to see I can understand that). But now, I have learned, you can not always trust their opinions 100% either, of course I knew that, but somehow this whole situation made the feeling of distrust worse. (not that I really distrusted doctors, don’t get me wrong, I just can not find a good way to express this, I hope you know what I mean to say). Anyway, in the end, all of it almost costed me me life.

After that, things never were the same again. The depression got worse a while, and anxiety came into my life. But, as I often try to rationalize things, I tried and try to deal with it. But, I have to admit: It is so darn hard. And things seem to have become worse, somehow.

Weird feelings in my body, especially in the area where I remember the violent pains from this pulmonary embolism thing with inflammations, causes this anxiety attack. I try to keep myself calm;  you’re not coughing blood, you’re not out of air, don’t freak out – it’s nothing (but it feels terrible). But my heartrate is high, I feel short of air, and feeling ‘something’ inside of me. It just freaks me out sometimes. And I am aware anxiety makes it worse and more stress and more anxiety comes in. And that those things can cause physical symptoms as well.

But anyway, this is not something related to the pulmonary embolism stuff. But somehow I don’t feel great. I would like to sleep a lot, i’m slow, and no impulses seem to be strong to make me feel good. What is happening? Is it depression that causes this, or is there physically some issue going on that has been invisible or something? Is my mind shutting down somehow (that’s how it feels sometimes). Am I not eating well? Is not doing anything for a long time causing this to a person? Can it? What causes this?

I know I should exercise and move more, but this whole depression issue makes me move less sometimes, I am aware of this, but it is freaking me out sometimes. Where is the limit? How long can I not move before something worse happens? Before I am at risks?  I guess you just can never really say that.

This week is a rough one again. I’m having a hard time to be on the computer. To write. To talk to people.I don’t know why exactly. I feel like I’m half sleeping, and am not really awake. I feel weird things in my body, I want to sleep a lot (okay, I do sleep a lot, at least 10 hours a day if not more). What is wrong with me? Is this anxiety? Is it me going crazy? Am I losing my mind? Or is there something wrong?

I feel weird. Like I’m not real. That I’m awake but still sleeping. Like I’m moving but my movements feel weird – it’s just like its not me. And I have to focus really hard sometimes but it just doesnt feel like it should. I’m not too keen on driving. What if these feelings last? it feels so weird to do things when feeling like this. Is it even safe? More anxiety.

I just don’t know what to do with these things. Clearly I can not solve them myself, but my doctor hasn’t been really helpfull with it either. (Okay, he is my gp doc so maybe he can not do so much, I don’t mean it in a bad way , this sounds so weird – its more like its not getting better or there doesn’t seem to be a solution from his side, but he is willing to help me).  He says I’m dealing with it quite well so far, but honestly, it doesn’t feel that way. I just don’t know what to do – it seems it is getting worse, and that is definitely not what i want.


A day with a piece of melancholy

Unfortunately, this is a re-write. Somehow I did something wrong and I lost the original writing. This is in no way as good as the first one was and it  really did upset me that I lost everything I wrote because it was way more better written.  But I’m afraid there is no way of getting the original writing back. I guess all I can do is share this re-write.

It’s kind of weird to think of certain things- today, four years ago, how my life almost ended. And how things changed somehow. Or how they actually did not change at all.

After all those years this is the first time I have these kind of flashback moments and my thoughts go back to it so deeply and real. Trying to recapture memories and feelings. Four years is a long time, or short, depending on how you look on things I guess. A lot of seconds, minutes , days have passed by since then. Certain pieces seem to be on my mind as if they only happened yesterday.

Though I have learned things of it all. How things can get in a different perspective. How the body seems to change its operating system in certain circumstances. How the mind can changes the way it works usually. How things change and yet not change at all. Anyway physical pain and pain of the soul, are completely different types of pain.I do not think you even should compare those. How quickly a body can be ruïned. How small things, sometimes not even an inch long, can be so deadly and destroying. How weak you can get and your mind goes in another world and the real one is just some vague movie playing on a television far away.

As far as the physical pain, before all of this happened, I couldn’t imagine things could hurt so badly. It was the most intense and cruel physical pain I have ever felt. A very violent pain, stabs without warning, making you want to shrink untill being invisible and being afraid to breathe. When I think of it now I still get goosebumps. Those violent stabs, tattooed in my brain forever. Tattooed in my heart forever. Somehow I can still remember how it felt. Although I have a high pain tolerance, I could not not scream of the pain. Some moments are harder to recapture- like when I slowly tried to walk again, and not even walked a mile, my body was so broken I had to pay a price and recover two full days of that action. Nowadays, it is hard to imagine it was like that. And so there is more.

Somehow the more I think of it, the more I can match it in metaphorical ways to certain aspects of my life back in the day but maybe even my current life as well (if you can even call that a life). How small things race like crazy through the mind and they are all connected but not connected yet. Like shooting with a gun with gunpowder without bullets – all messed up lost pieces that go in every direction. Surviving. Dying. Losing life. Slipping away. Breathing. Oxygen. Essential resporation organs. Inflammations. Bacteria. Damage. Protection of the heart fails. Missed by doctors // Surviving. Life. Death. No right to exist. Loneliness. Emptiness. Abandonment. You can not go on with this life. You can not go on living like this. Lost all directions. No space. You can not be you. Invisible.You can not go on with life like this [ and…… w h a t e v e r ]

Reflecting back on everything. I’m still left with questions. Questions without answers. Left with damage. Less trust. Less hope. And so on. Maybe the mental impact everything had was more than I want or can admit. I am not sure about that. Not that my life was so great before all of that. But it striked just on a certain point I was fighting a way to break down a depression and heading for a new life. And then it struck me. Hard. Not only that. Of course other things happen at the same time. What I learned there was that no matter what , you are always alone. You can never expect some one to be there for you when you are on the lowest points in your life. You just can not. That seems to be tattooed in my brain. 

Anyway, the weirdest thing of all maybe is that after all what happened, I might have expected somehow I would appreciate life a bit more.Somehow that would be more logical after all what happened. Move forward. Enjoy life more. Yolo, right?

But none of that ever happened.