The storm is not over yet


I feel the storm is not over yet. I think something might happen. Like something, as in an upcoming death. I don’t know exactly how or why or when, but I think my grandma is dying. Well, of course we’re all dying in the end, but maybe this will come like in soon.

She has been sick of a while (cancer in the throat) and she always talks about death (for over years), but somehow things seem to change.  I can’t exactly say how, but it’s different. She is maybe preparing to die, I don’t know. Sometimes people they know they are going to die somehow. I do not know, its just what I heard.

She asked about her insurance (which is way too low, a bit late to ask about but she never cared before) and about stuff (who wants to have this and that) and came this afternoon walking by (while my parents visited this morning). I don’t know. There’s something.

Maybe I am completely wrong, and maybe it’s weird and not nice to write about, but I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t talk about it to anyone, and it is bothering me. Because I have no idea how to deal with it, how to feel or what to do.

Because the worst thing is that I do not know if I really care. This sounds hard and rude, but the situation is really complicated. She wasn’t so nice to my parents. She made their life a bit like hell sometimes. It doesn’t seem that she ever accepted my dad , her son, or my mom. My dad was hit and told he couldn’t do anything right. My grandparents (grandfather is dead for some time) forbid him a lot. He didn’t want to see them again after he married my mom, but in my mom’s culture it’s not possible to ‘abandon your family’.Anyway, my moms from abroad and they dont seem to like abroad people. You know I could write about it for ages, of everything that happened but I don’t want to. Please just believe me that its complicated.

Now my parents will go to the family abroad soon. There’s not much people left here. Just me. Just one of my sisters. I have an aunt, her daughter, but complicated too: she never asks them, they don’t ask anything back. They just live beside and distant. Thats how it always went.

And I can’t help myself the questions:
WHat if something happens now?
What if she dies when my parents just left or want to leave?
She will stirr all the plans again.
She feels sorry about the things in the past I think, because of certain things she says sometimes. But she never said sorry, or admitted. She will talk like “look how nice and good I am”, but in the meantime, truth is different.And now she’s old and no one’s there.
And now she feels sorry. And is afraid to die. Her own relatives, a few alive, they are not in touch, because they dislike each other (well actually, it’s more like hate).

Anyway, I just keep wondering what is the truth.

And I know I will never really know.

And I know I will never know how to deal with this.

I feel her fear. I feel pain. I feel so much things, but they are not mine. And still they are strong. I feel anger. I feel the things that went wrong. I feel the things that happened and were not nice. I feel that she always wanted to hide them. I feel the past.

And I will never know.

I will always wonder how

And always wonder how to deal with this.



Unfinished memories


I did not finish them yet,
these particular kind of memories
road trippin’
in a land of sorrow, but free
with a past and an unclear future
but that’s where I wish I could be.


Signs or coincidence?


So. Somehow, the last few days, have been weird in a way that all these ‘messages’ or however you should call them, appeared in one way or another. I’m not really a person who usually thinks these things are signs and whatever, and  I don’t think I really believe in ‘messages from the universe’ or whatever. But somehow they are a bit remarkable.

Last week, I won a small amount of money with a scratch off ticket someone gave me (it’s really a small prize, I bought 3 breads for it and gone was the money). As well, I won a scarf and hat with a prize contest which really surprised me – well actually I didn’t win it for myself, the contest was like “tell us why you would like to win this for someone”. So I will give the scarf and hat to the person I wished/won it for of course.

I bought a new sweater for myself (one I’ve been thinking about for maybe 5 weeks now). My size was sold out and a couple of days ago my size was back again and I promised myself last time when my size would be restocked, I would buy it, so I finally did. I found this card from the picture in my sweater saying: What’s stopping you?

Last night, I went to join my mother to church. Usually, I don’t enter churches, I’m not really religious in the way of believing in a ” person or something” – with all respect to persons who are religous and believe in something or someone. Really, I don’t mind other people being religious but I really dislike the fact there are people out there who think killing is right because someone has other ideas in these things and I really dislike that there is so much disrespect and pressure and such.

I still don’t know exactly why I joined – I think it’s because I felt guilty towards my mother. She always has to go alone there and I think she doesn’t like that. As well, a couple of days ago she said to me something like : sometimes I doubt that you love me. That I hold some kind of grudge because of the past. I still don’t know what to think of this. Yeah, it’s true- I am distant in ways, and things of the past will not be allright and forgotten. I am not a very huggy person – but this doesn’t mean I do not love. I am not a person who can be around people all the time – I NEED to be alone sometimes, just to be able to cope and deal with life. This she doesn’t understand – There are more things she doesn’t understand. There are things I don’t want to talk about anymore, because they will hurt her too much. Her life was difficult enough, and I know she will feel guilty when I will tell the truth – well, how it was for me and how it affected me. When everyone is here, I usually withdraw a bit – because my siblings can be pretty loud and present, and I just I can’t help it- I don’t feel comfortable with this.But that doesn’t mean I don’t love them. That doesn’t mean I don’t care or something. It stings me a bit she thinks this way and that it makes me feel guilty.

And it stings that I know with saying the whole truth (truth for me) that it will hurt. I can feel and sense the hurt that is done in the past, hurt not caused by me, hurt caused by me, I just sense it somehow and I don’t want to make things more difficult then they already are. There is no need for me to go over and over the past – I can’t change it anymore anyway, and I just want to move on – what’s left, is left. I learned my lessons. But I don’t want to talk over it again and again. I just want to move on. I will not forget, but I can live with everything because I can understand. Of course it did affect me and it probably still will in the future, but that doesn’t mean I want to make a constant issue of it.

Anyway, when walking to this church thing, the street lights had a failure I think, because they flashed on, off, stayed dark for a while, they went on again, and so it went. The stars you could see clearly. The service was okay I guess – I just sat there, heard the singing, listened to the man (sorry- I don’t know exactly what kind of man it was) who told a story and just observed other people and the building. The man was telling a story and when he was in the middle of a story he said ‘do not fear’ and it seemed like he looked me straight into my eyes. There are a few words that jumped out of this whole thing for me somehow; these were:

  • do not fear
  • hope
  • future

All these things made me think.

They are making links in my head, though I can not really explain them well.

I can feel the whiteboard in my brain changing all the time.

arrow left. arrow right.word.drawing. word.connection. another connection. and so on.

And today, I wonder about this:
What’s stopping me?

What do I really want? What does my soul want? What will be my next step?
I have to find my dream. I have to find out what I really want. How do you find it?

What’s stopping me to find my dream?

Chasing ghosts

The railway station where I used to wait,

haven’t seen it, for years,

and the train I used to take,

don’t know if it’s still there,

the road I used to walk

to the place I used to go

forgot how it looks like.

everything dissapeared in the past and

even if I still wonder,

just sometimes –

this road will never

come back.


increasing pressure -hello reality.

So. I managed to push myself to the special Jiu Jitsu training today. With the focus on knives; self-defence when you’re attacked with a knife. It was interesting, though it went a bit too fast for me. Next to one other person, I was the only one with a ‘low’ belt. There were particularly men, I was -next to one of the two instructors- the only woman. And everyone had a brown, black or higher belt. So they probably pick things up faster and they just know more. But that was okay – it was just difficult for me to keep up. Somehow, it did not seem to matter at all that I have a low belt – these people were nice actually, even if I didn’t speak so much with them, I felt accepted, in a way, which was nice.

Just before I left to go to this training, the mail came with something I have been expecting for a while; my student debt. I opened the envelop, and anxiety took over. How the hell can I solve this? I want to pay it as soon as I can, but I NEED A **** income. It’s a miracle, that after reading this,  I managed to go to the jiu Jitsu training – this could easily kept me in bed for the rest of the day feeling awful.

I knew how much it approximately was, and, I tried to start paying something of when I still had a job, but because they cut my hours I stopped doing it because I earned too less and after I had to quit the job, I simply couldn’t pay. With the interest, it’s as high as it was before when I started paying of, so now it seems that my payments I did didn’t help. Ouch.

It’s a lot, (well, I think it’s a lot). Hello reality, I am not going to lie about this and face the facts: my debt is roughly  27500USD/21000EUR/16457GPB. Ouch.

They want that I start paying every month from januari 2015 157USD/127EUR/ 99GPB.

So how the heck am I going to do that? How the heck am I going to get my life together? It is so hard to keep on standing. Of course, I want to pay back the loans I used, but sometimes, I wished I would have kept working , instead of going back to University. (Okay, if I didn’t get sick and got this years delay I wouldn’t have a huge debt like this, but it happened and I have to deal with it now). Because of getting ill, I am in this trouble, and since all of that sh*t happened things got worse and bad. I didn’t choose for any of this, but things were not really working with me and now I have to deal with this. And I can’t. I don’t know how to pick up my life together. I just wish I could.

What should I do…

Okay, here it comes:

There are things in my life going on I don’t know what to do and that are bothering me.
And I don’t know what to do. I feel stupid, because these things should be simple. Somehow the most people seem to ‘understand’ or ‘get’ this part, but somehow I don’t. Why? I can not exactly say.
I don’t seem to be stupid (well, that’s what others said to me) but why do I have so much issues with these things?

If you read my blog posts before, you probably know I don’t have a job and no form of income at all, and no benefits. Two years ago, I graduated from University, I have a BsC in something (but I don’t think I really fit in that field and I still wonder HOW the heck I got my degree and WHY everyone with that degree seems to manage to find something but I fail completely- there must be something wrong with me, probably there is).
Before graduating, I used to work all kind of jobs. I worked hard, but, less money, minimum wages, so I never got really rich. During University, I got a serious illness, that almost took my life, but I survived, though it caused a lot of delay and such; which -looking back on it- has cost me not only a lot of sad times and delay, also a lot of trust in myself, trust in the world around me and financial shitty situation.
I lost trust in myself, and there is no place here where you can be like that; you have to be cool and confident to get a job, since so much other people are looking for jobs and can present themselves much better than I can.

I’m not only not too confident in myself, in some ways I look different too – I’m not the standard woman. I don’t like make up (don’t use it), I don’t wear dresses and skirts, my body shape is not particular female, my feet are too large (outside of the standard women side range) and , this is a bit shamefull to admit- the most of the clothes I wear, they sell at the man’s departments. My jeans, my shirts, my sweaters. I don’t particularly like man things and I don’t want to be a man or something, it’s not like that. But somehow, I end up with these things and I feel ashamed of them. I hate shopping, just because of the looks of people, the strange looks when you are buying ‘man things’ as a woman. But the clothes simply don’t fit well otherwise, I don’t know why they make woman clothes in such weird shapes that they never fit me and such.
Probably a lot of man pay more attention to their hair then I do- I just brush it and wash it and go to the hairdresser to get a haircut and that’s about it.

I don’t know why I’m talking about this. But it does bother me from time to time.
I wish it wouldn’t, and I wish it was not an issue. Why do we make this seperation between men and women so obvious? What is the point? Isn’t it about the soul of someone, and not the sex? Are we so different from each other that we should seperate everything? In my honest opinion, I think not, but yet it happens everywhere.

Well, I drift away from what I wanted to write I guess. Since I graduated from University, I stayed for a while at my ‘students job’, which was something completely unrelated to my study, but hey, I earned money with it and it kept me busy and I could pay my bills. But as time passed by, economy started to get bad and my hours where cut down. My salary went down, and I had to travel far for it. At a certain point, things got bad. I would get 7 hours a week, and it was about the same amount the fares of the public transport , and I was ‘too old and too expensive’so, I wouldn’t get extra hours, if there were any, they would give it to the younger, since they were cheaper. The situation got nasty and I felt miserable; the atmosphere was really not nice and the things I usual did at work dissapeared and the pressure increased: work harder, more efficient, no more fun at all, no talks with colleagues, work work work and dont use your head – the interesting things about my work went to others, and all I did at the end was just playing a non stop automatic cashier- nothing wrong with that, but I became really unhappy if I do that too much, its not cool to do that for hours for me.

So , I quit. There did not seem to be any possibility to get benefits, since I am the one who quit my job. (Even if my salary was less than my income? I seem the one to blame ).
I am not lazy, from nature. I’d rather work than sit at home. I used to work hard. And now, I needed help, but there was no help. I , with my degree from university, seem to be smart enough to help myself. But what if I can’t? I don’t know how I have to get a job, or benefits. Something inside my head just knacks when I think of it, the procedures, the cross-examinations, it;s too much- I don;t know why, but I can not do it. I hide myself and don’t even start anything anymore. And why? I am not sure if I can answer.

After months sitting depressed at home, I went abroad, with a volunteerprogam- I really hoped to get myself together again with this, build up confidence and find a way to earn some money and be able to take care of myself and continue living and build up a future.
But it failed. And now I’m back here, without income, without support, and I honestly don’t know what to do.
How do I get a job, without too much hassle? People say around: if you really want to work, there is always work. But after so much rejections, after losing all trust in yourself, after not even fitting in to get benefits, how am I supposed to keep standing?

I am afraid, because I don’t want to fall back in these bad depressions again. I am afraid, because I don’t want to be stuck anymore and feel so unhappy as I was before. I am afraid, because what if they force me to do work that makes me unhappy and I break down? If they take away my freedom?

In my heart, I would like to be with people who make me happy, but they are not here. They are far. Can I still go to them and see them? How can I make it work? I would like to do a few things that make me happy. Just earn some money, I don’t need to earn a lot, just that I can buy groceries, pay my health insurance, travel a bit and buy new clothes. I don’t need to go out every week or have an expensive car or whatever. Is it soo much to ask to just have a life like that? sometimes, it seems like that.

I’m sad, because I don’t know what to do. (If you have any advice for me, please, write me or leave a reply. )
What do I do wrong? What should I do? Am I such a mess up I deserve to be in this position? Am I such a loser or do I do things so wrong that this is the price I have to pay?