Out of reach –

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You see, the future. But you don’t feel it. You can’t.

You once hoped. But you don’t hope anymore. You can’t.

You once tried to fight. But you just go with the flow now. Because it feels like the only managable option.

You see beauty in the destroyed. You see pain in the destroyed.

The conflicts, the everlasting conflicts.

You know. You feel. But you don’t really know.

You see peace in the abandoned. You feel peace in the abandoned.

But you can not grasp it.

You can’t.

You just can not.

 

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Harmless assassin

Have you ever met

the emptiness that’s just behind the corner

or on the wall?

where the emtpy plates and unwashed spoons leave

their sorrow in the light

 

a lightswitch is lying meaningless on the floor

the dust appeared not only in the corners but came along

its way and even on the stairs

 

and then, this spider walking in this

big world where

nothing can be seen.

And all you can do is ask yourself;

Is this true?

So, I went.

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It has been a while since I wrote. I don’t know why, but I’m full of words and nothing comes out. The more I feel I have to say, the less that comes out. (When the more I say, the less comes out). Does it make sense? I do not know. Does it matter? I do not know either.

Well, anyway, A few weeks ago, I went to this outdoor/pilgrimage thing.

The more empty I am now, the more full I was then. It turned out to be a great week. (Or: a great weak?).

For a week, I spend all time time walking, outdoors, mostly in the rain, walking this pilgrim path. With a group, full of new people, of different nationalities, different backgrounds. I didn’t know anyone. It was a bit difficult to adapt in the start, but it turned out really nice. I actually found the people very friendly and -as-far-as-I-can-say- I think I got along with them quite well. I didn’t manage to walk much with someone else, simply because the usual reason; somehow I can’t keep up with others, they have a different pace.

I slept outdoors, under the stars, under tarps, in old barns, but it was all good. No shower, no toilet, no kitchens, no dressingrooms. But it didn’t matter. It was the best.

The easier the roads are, the more difficult they are for me.

The more difficult the roads are, the more easy they are for me.

Cooking on self made campfires. Carrying all your load in a backpack. Walking all day through forest and mostly abandoned villages. Fights inside your own head. But I made it.

How quickly things can change in a few days. How quickly and different life can be. During the last day, going back in to the civilized world. Having trouble to adapt again. Is it really over?

Since I came back, things were not the same, and yet everything is the same.

I thought before, that life was okay again, with my job. But now, I realize it’s not.

My life is empty. It’s all meaningless. The job is okay, but I’m a ghost, an emptiness. What the hell, is this?

no time to think

The last few days have been very busy. I’ve been functioning as a kind of callcenter I guess, I never spend so much time making and answering phonecalls. The situation with my grandma is still not safe or well. She had couple of blood transfusions and other injections and more. Since the hospital system works there in a certain way, there is 24 hours a day someone with her, to make sure she gets food or can go to the bathroom. (In this country where I am now the nurses help you with these things, in her country, in a ‘affordable’ hospital, they appareantly don’t – which is sad)

I’m the only one of the family who stayed behind and isn’t there. It makes me feel guilty and weird to have stayed behind, but yet I’m in a very difficult position. A life never can go above work, that is for sure though. But the most important people are surrounding my grandma, and someone had to take care of things here too, which I do now. I truly hope this hospital bacteria is gone and my grandma can recover from everything, but I don’t dare to think of anything since it goes so up and down and her health is so poor. All I can do is hope for the best.

Tomorrow I start my new job – I have to attend 2 weeks of training first. If things turn out that I have to go to the country of my grandma as well, I will lose my job. I truly hope my grandma will recover, because the choice is difficult otherwise. Not to see her anymore and not say farewell or lose the job, and be broke soon and the government could see it as another extra reason to not help me and give benefits – because it is ‘my fault’ that I didn’t start the job. I would have so much more trouble to find a way to be able to live, it’s already hard now.

Seriously, Monsterworld this is- these choices are not fair. But everything is based on financial things and not on really helping people. Everything feels like punishment to me. I dont get this world, I dont want to understand this world. I feel rejected by “my own country” if you can ever speak of your own country.

All I have to do is find a way ‘out’.

Catching flows

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Once, I was a ferry,

covered in fresh paint and oiled mechanisms

and I was not this sinking ship,

Thrown back by my passengers and owners,

who I used to move forward on their daily trips

 

Once, I carried, and  sailed over the river,

wasn’t stuck like this on the shore

And now I’m rotting away and

I don’t know where I belong or what to do anymore.

 

Free, but trapped.

(Or should I say trapped, but free?)

Yesterday, I had a short conversation about this with someone. It’s something that I find very difficult and maybe what I’m going to write now isn’t making any sense at all. There’s one sentence that struck me in particular:

“you know, you keep saying you’re stuck, and I know that’s how you feel. But somehow you are more free than anyone I know”

I seem to be free. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a house, I don’t have a family, I have nothing much that ‘restricts’ me in a certain way: if I don’t get up, things will not fall apart, I will not be missed very badly, nor will much people even notice.

So, I seem to be free. I seem to be free, but I can’t seem to use it, I can’t seem to feel it, I can’t seem to see it. I don’t.

Because a lot of days, are full of emptiness. Are full of uselessness, of the lack of purpose. There is nothing much that keeps me going really, there is nothing that waits for me, nothing that needs me. The world is a place where there isn’t just space for everyone; literally maybe yes, but not in the world of jobs, income, and with this, the right to live, because this is how i see it – to not have these things, with the current system of how the world works, affect this – the right to live , because the way I see it it’s that it’s so difficult and hard to live in these circumstances, that I don’t want to call that a life.

And yet this whole thing is something you can see in many perspectives. A lot of people do not think my life is so bad – “but at least you don’t have a family” , “at least you have a bed to sleep in” or “at least you have food”.

So if you are alone, (which is already more difficult, because you have less support and everything is more expensive and you have nothing to fall back on, because you will have to fix everything yourself), it’s not so bad? So if you have a family, to care for, that’s worse than rot away when you’re alone? THis is really making me angry sometimes, and I want to scream: BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE EACH OTHER. But I don’t. I keep silent.

At least you have a bed to sleep in – what the fuck does this bed change when you feel so down and there is no purpose? Want to have my bed? fine, take it, I’ll sleep on the floor, whatever.

At least you have food? Fuck this food, it keeps my physically alive, but then the rest? And all this food is full of added crap, chemicals, whatever. You want to have the food? Fine, take it.

*now-back-to-less-angry-mode*

There are these moments, like now, how I realize how messed up (my) life is. How stuck I am and can;t get out. How I do not see possibilities anymore, ways to try.

Why should anyone give me a job? Why should anyone see something in me?

What future do I have to look forward to? Why would anyone help me out?

Am I to blame? Do I try to less? I had years of therapy, I saw different psychologists, I tried medication, I tried to finish a study, I did, I always worked, but after I graduated things fell apart. Can someone please tell me why I keep failing, what I do wrong, what is wrong with me? Because I don’t understand it anymore.

I seem to have a lot of possibilities, of choices, of so called ‘freedom’.

Yet, I feel a lot of pressure and judging minds about my situation. Every step is a marathon. Trying to find a job? There’s so much pressure and stuff to ‘explain’. Benefits? They are going to control my life and I will die even more inside.

Something has to be wrong with me, because I dont even have benefits. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t work for so long now.Something has to be wrong with me, because I can’t live on my own and I live in family’s house. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t get life nor do I understand the system. Something has to be wrong, because I can’t live like this.

Freedom. I can’t do whatever whenever I want.

So called freedom.