Don’t HAVE to vs. stress is back.

The last few days were not very nice. I felt as I had a stone on my chest. This all were the 3 days after the job interview and message that they would give me a chance.

Over the weekend I spoke with several people. I’m glad I did, because it makes me feel more calm. This big stone on my chest lifted a bit.

Someone asked me the question what is it about this job that I like.Silence. I am not sure if I have a very good reason: I applied for this job in the first place because I don’t trust the benefit system and social care here. I thought I would not get money, so I would have to find a back up myself. The job goes a bit with my studies, though not completely, and I thought I could do it and I had a decent chance.

But there is more about being able to do something, making a chance. That can not be all ‘the’ reason. For a long time I walked on my toes at work. I never felt valued, and there was this enormous pressure and every single minute of my day was planned, with no possibility to change it yourself. It also clashes a bit with my personality, because I’m someone who thinks, who cares about quality. My previous job was not the place, and it looks like this new job isn’t the place for it neither.

But. But but but:

Finally I have a bit peace of mind. I have time to recover. I get some money, enough to get by. I can survive with that. Why would I push myself immediatly in a situation again with stress? I don’t have to feel guilty, because I work for a while (almost 15 years) and I never had benefits before. Still I feel a little guilt. Less than before, but it’s still there.

I did a lot of jobs and work I didn’t like so much. Some where hard work for very less money,. I never had a relaxed job I think. For once I can find a nice place too, right?

So I just have to remind myself, I don’t HAVE to do this. I got recovery time, and I will go to see a psychologist because I don’t get out of this anymore and I feel lost. I couldn’t do that before because of the waiting lists. But it will not take so long anymore now. I just hope he or she can help me.

And boom. Interruption.

Phonecall. Of the social benefit stuff. And boom again there is is stone on my chest. This guy started about work and starting to work and reintegration. WHAT THE HECK LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A BIT! is what I feel my whole body screaming. I don’t want to do the same kind of work again. This guy send something like if you can than you kind of have to, WHAT even if it MAKES YOU SICK? What is it in this world?

Really? They expect you to get better and while you’re still not charged or better they bomb you with phonecalles and questions and things to look in to like HELLO CAN I HAVE PEACE FOR A BIT AND BE LEFT ALONE AND NOT ALL THIS PRESSURE ON ME?

This is what I really, really dislike about this world.

Once your down, everyone seems to step on to you and decide whats best for you and you get the impression that you’re doing something illegal and superbad. And push you and not really listen.

It looks like this system doesn’t care if your job makes you sick.

Finally I felt a bit better. And now I’m full of anxiety and not nice feelings again.

I feel stressed. The stone on my chest. Breathe. All this tension in my body.

Is this supposed to be life? Is this what people find accepteble and fun and okay?

Like really, I understand why people don’t want to be part of society, to be left alone, become addicts, or even get that far to make a decision to end life. I get it. I can understand it.

Seriously, I wish life was a bit more friendly and easier.





Work, no work, hiring, firing….what?

Work has been chaotic the last few weeks. I don’t know what to think about it.

A few people left and a few leave soon, because their contracts end it’s time for them now to get a steady contract, thanks to the awesome government and laws, but of course that is not going to happen, so they have to leave). Bye experience. Bye knowledge. (It’s not only sad for them; me and my colleagues have no one to ask things if we don’t know).This is also not good for our clients. But yeah, who seems to care ?

I learned that they just hired 15 people for the next 2 or 3 months. There was also an e-mail last week, saying that there was less money and they will have to fire people because of they have to work more efficient and there is less money.

Sorry, what? What the heck is this, they just hire people , there are people leaving and they are talking about firing people? Why do they hire people then? What do I have to think about this? What do they expect from me? What do they want from me?

Working less than fulltime was almost impossible, OR you had to had a very good reason (like having a child or something – which I don’t have). But what’s the point about working fulltime or only wanting people to come fulltime if the budget is cut and things have to become more efficient and firing people? Is it so difficult to give people less hours? Would that not be better and taking care a bit of the budget? I wouldn’t mind working 4 days a week………I wouldn’t even mind to have an unpaid leave for 2 months, to go traveling. If I know I can continue with the job after, I really would cooperate. But why aren’t they looking at things like that? Why do things always have to be so rigorous?

More and more things are to be measured in time, efficiency, more and more rules which make doing your work more difficult.

It’s annoying me a lot, it really frustrates me, I feel like I can’t do my job well, I feel incompetent. I feel pressure, and I don’t know what they want from me.

Maybe it’s time to search for another job (which won’t be easy, and probably not much better circumstances neither). That makes me a bit sad; I like(d?) my job, I like my colleagues, I like(d) the subjects, the atmosphere.


But maybe I just liked it, and I don’t like my “new” kind of job…


no time to think

The last few days have been very busy. I’ve been functioning as a kind of callcenter I guess, I never spend so much time making and answering phonecalls. The situation with my grandma is still not safe or well. She had couple of blood transfusions and other injections and more. Since the hospital system works there in a certain way, there is 24 hours a day someone with her, to make sure she gets food or can go to the bathroom. (In this country where I am now the nurses help you with these things, in her country, in a ‘affordable’ hospital, they appareantly don’t – which is sad)

I’m the only one of the family who stayed behind and isn’t there. It makes me feel guilty and weird to have stayed behind, but yet I’m in a very difficult position. A life never can go above work, that is for sure though. But the most important people are surrounding my grandma, and someone had to take care of things here too, which I do now. I truly hope this hospital bacteria is gone and my grandma can recover from everything, but I don’t dare to think of anything since it goes so up and down and her health is so poor. All I can do is hope for the best.

Tomorrow I start my new job – I have to attend 2 weeks of training first. If things turn out that I have to go to the country of my grandma as well, I will lose my job. I truly hope my grandma will recover, because the choice is difficult otherwise. Not to see her anymore and not say farewell or lose the job, and be broke soon and the government could see it as another extra reason to not help me and give benefits – because it is ‘my fault’ that I didn’t start the job. I would have so much more trouble to find a way to be able to live, it’s already hard now.

Seriously, Monsterworld this is- these choices are not fair. But everything is based on financial things and not on really helping people. Everything feels like punishment to me. I dont get this world, I dont want to understand this world. I feel rejected by “my own country” if you can ever speak of your own country.

All I have to do is find a way ‘out’.

When everything is bothering you

Sometimes, there are these days, that nothing goes right, nothing seems right, nothing feels right. Not even the socks you wear, not even your underpants which fits normally just fine, not your hair, nothing.

A day that everything that seems to happen, isn’t working with you at all. Everything you read or see, bothers you somehow. Today, is a day like that.

On one side, I feel pretty numb again, and when I woke up I wondered what the heck I will do this day again; the days are all empty and meaningless again. I guess this is the depressionstuff that gets me from time to time, or it’s maybe the depression-part that never really leaves me. (Though I still realize that it’s still less worse then it was before, luckily).

I’ve been reading about (un) – employment, about jobs, things like that. And with reading this article;  ‘Why smart people don’t get hired, by Maurice Ewing I came to the conclusion that I can not profile myself or present myself in a proper way. I had always trouble with this. Now, with linking to this article I don’t want to say about myself that I’m smart or that is exactly going on with me what is written in this article. I just came across it and there were some parts that made me realize that this is one of my biggest trouble in finding or getting a job – I can not profile myself or present myself properly, but then again, I don’t think I can do so much or know so much, and almost everytime I read a vacancy I think when I see the profile ‘But that’s not me, I’m not what they are looking for”. The very few times I found a profile of which I thought, hm, maybe that could be me, I was turned down for the job. The reason they wrote to me was that other candidates fitted better to the profile. 1,5 months later, the exact same job, same description, same company, was online again. They really don’t want me, I don’t know why, but they really don’t want me, or they don’t see me as suitable. End of story.

In the world of today here, applying for jobs is or seems very much like a ‘look how great I am’thing. That is everything but me. I can’t deal with this pressure, I can’t play this game. Does that mean that I’m doomed forever? Lately, when I see a job, I doubt so much I don’t dare to apply. And often it takes so long before I can move myself, the job’s gone already again.I know somewhere, deep inside of me, I’m capable of doing things, of working. But why is it so heck difficult to find something. Why is it so hard for me to play this game? It’s really frustrating. And this little voice inside my head keeps repeating: you are not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough…


increasing pressure -hello reality.

So. I managed to push myself to the special Jiu Jitsu training today. With the focus on knives; self-defence when you’re attacked with a knife. It was interesting, though it went a bit too fast for me. Next to one other person, I was the only one with a ‘low’ belt. There were particularly men, I was -next to one of the two instructors- the only woman. And everyone had a brown, black or higher belt. So they probably pick things up faster and they just know more. But that was okay – it was just difficult for me to keep up. Somehow, it did not seem to matter at all that I have a low belt – these people were nice actually, even if I didn’t speak so much with them, I felt accepted, in a way, which was nice.

Just before I left to go to this training, the mail came with something I have been expecting for a while; my student debt. I opened the envelop, and anxiety took over. How the hell can I solve this? I want to pay it as soon as I can, but I NEED A **** income. It’s a miracle, that after reading this,  I managed to go to the jiu Jitsu training – this could easily kept me in bed for the rest of the day feeling awful.

I knew how much it approximately was, and, I tried to start paying something of when I still had a job, but because they cut my hours I stopped doing it because I earned too less and after I had to quit the job, I simply couldn’t pay. With the interest, it’s as high as it was before when I started paying of, so now it seems that my payments I did didn’t help. Ouch.

It’s a lot, (well, I think it’s a lot). Hello reality, I am not going to lie about this and face the facts: my debt is roughly  27500USD/21000EUR/16457GPB. Ouch.

They want that I start paying every month from januari 2015 157USD/127EUR/ 99GPB.

So how the heck am I going to do that? How the heck am I going to get my life together? It is so hard to keep on standing. Of course, I want to pay back the loans I used, but sometimes, I wished I would have kept working , instead of going back to University. (Okay, if I didn’t get sick and got this years delay I wouldn’t have a huge debt like this, but it happened and I have to deal with it now). Because of getting ill, I am in this trouble, and since all of that sh*t happened things got worse and bad. I didn’t choose for any of this, but things were not really working with me and now I have to deal with this. And I can’t. I don’t know how to pick up my life together. I just wish I could.

Warning signs

Outside, the sky turned dark. It’s the middle of the day, and in the distance I hear thunder. I stare out of the window and think: another day. Another day without purpose. And I need to keep myself busy with things.

It’s a week and a few days now since I’m ‘back’. I know I’m not the same person as before, that things change and things can be different now. Though I feel like I have to be very careful with what I do (or don’t do). The depression monster is always lurking around the corner and the relapses too. I don’t want these things anymore.

I’m still working at rearranging and organizing and sorting out my stuff. It’s a terribly slow process. But I guess I’m working on it and that’s what counts right now, even when it doesn’t go as I wish it would. Andl I visited a friend in the weekend where I stayed overnight. It was nice so far, but this friend has a completely different rhythm than I have, and sometimes I doubt about things because I prefer a bit of a different rhythm. She stays up late in weekends, so I stayed up untill 2 am, and spend most of the time on the couch and not really doing anything. She has a very busy life with work  so she needs to have these nothing days. But every day is like a nothing day for me. And waking up so late and staying up in the night is not really a good thing for me to do.

It’s something I find sometimes difficult to find a balance in, I don’t want to say that it’s a bad thing, but it can easily get me on the road to depression and messing things up again. She also said I should come more often, which might be good but makes me doubt sometimes. And I feel almost like a parasite; I don’t have so much money to spend, and it will costs me train fares to get there. Also probably she will pay all the food and drinks and I don’t really like that. I don’t want to, but I can not afford this more expensive living style really, just buying all the food and drinks you want (She spends a lot more on food – often these fresh ready meals). I know it’s not an issue for her, and I would be the same when things where the other way, but I don’t want to be a parasite or look like one.

Now it’s a weekday again. Weekday means that offices are open and you can arrange things. I have three things I kind of ‘should’ do this week. One is something I dread. Make an appointment and see if there is a way to get on benefits. This situation can not go on. I’m living of my savings for 1,5 years now, I will run out of money in some time and I’m trapped, and can’t do much this way. Last week I did a job application, but it’s just 1 job and there are a lot of unemployed people. And less vacancies that suit me or where I don’t miss too much requirements.

The other two are probably ‘nothing’, but it;s for me hard to do it. They both have to do with exercise. One is that I found out there are Jiu Jitsu classes nearby. I practised it a few years , years back, and I liked it a lot. It’s not very expensive and just one evening a week and not too far away. The other one is maybe going to a gym for the rest of the workout. This gym is way less expensive than the one I used to go before, but a bit further away. I have a hard time to spend money on things, but exercise is important for me and it’s helpful to beat depression and pass the times and keep a bit of a structure in life.

And maybe there is a fourth one – what if, what if they call me about the job for which I applied? What am I going to say? How should I react? What if they want to speak to me? How should I dress? And so on. it’s stupid, because how big is the chance that I will be invited, but what if..? I just don’t want to keep messing things up.



What should I do…

Okay, here it comes:

There are things in my life going on I don’t know what to do and that are bothering me.
And I don’t know what to do. I feel stupid, because these things should be simple. Somehow the most people seem to ‘understand’ or ‘get’ this part, but somehow I don’t. Why? I can not exactly say.
I don’t seem to be stupid (well, that’s what others said to me) but why do I have so much issues with these things?

If you read my blog posts before, you probably know I don’t have a job and no form of income at all, and no benefits. Two years ago, I graduated from University, I have a BsC in something (but I don’t think I really fit in that field and I still wonder HOW the heck I got my degree and WHY everyone with that degree seems to manage to find something but I fail completely- there must be something wrong with me, probably there is).
Before graduating, I used to work all kind of jobs. I worked hard, but, less money, minimum wages, so I never got really rich. During University, I got a serious illness, that almost took my life, but I survived, though it caused a lot of delay and such; which -looking back on it- has cost me not only a lot of sad times and delay, also a lot of trust in myself, trust in the world around me and financial shitty situation.
I lost trust in myself, and there is no place here where you can be like that; you have to be cool and confident to get a job, since so much other people are looking for jobs and can present themselves much better than I can.

I’m not only not too confident in myself, in some ways I look different too – I’m not the standard woman. I don’t like make up (don’t use it), I don’t wear dresses and skirts, my body shape is not particular female, my feet are too large (outside of the standard women side range) and , this is a bit shamefull to admit- the most of the clothes I wear, they sell at the man’s departments. My jeans, my shirts, my sweaters. I don’t particularly like man things and I don’t want to be a man or something, it’s not like that. But somehow, I end up with these things and I feel ashamed of them. I hate shopping, just because of the looks of people, the strange looks when you are buying ‘man things’ as a woman. But the clothes simply don’t fit well otherwise, I don’t know why they make woman clothes in such weird shapes that they never fit me and such.
Probably a lot of man pay more attention to their hair then I do- I just brush it and wash it and go to the hairdresser to get a haircut and that’s about it.

I don’t know why I’m talking about this. But it does bother me from time to time.
I wish it wouldn’t, and I wish it was not an issue. Why do we make this seperation between men and women so obvious? What is the point? Isn’t it about the soul of someone, and not the sex? Are we so different from each other that we should seperate everything? In my honest opinion, I think not, but yet it happens everywhere.

Well, I drift away from what I wanted to write I guess. Since I graduated from University, I stayed for a while at my ‘students job’, which was something completely unrelated to my study, but hey, I earned money with it and it kept me busy and I could pay my bills. But as time passed by, economy started to get bad and my hours where cut down. My salary went down, and I had to travel far for it. At a certain point, things got bad. I would get 7 hours a week, and it was about the same amount the fares of the public transport , and I was ‘too old and too expensive’so, I wouldn’t get extra hours, if there were any, they would give it to the younger, since they were cheaper. The situation got nasty and I felt miserable; the atmosphere was really not nice and the things I usual did at work dissapeared and the pressure increased: work harder, more efficient, no more fun at all, no talks with colleagues, work work work and dont use your head – the interesting things about my work went to others, and all I did at the end was just playing a non stop automatic cashier- nothing wrong with that, but I became really unhappy if I do that too much, its not cool to do that for hours for me.

So , I quit. There did not seem to be any possibility to get benefits, since I am the one who quit my job. (Even if my salary was less than my income? I seem the one to blame ).
I am not lazy, from nature. I’d rather work than sit at home. I used to work hard. And now, I needed help, but there was no help. I , with my degree from university, seem to be smart enough to help myself. But what if I can’t? I don’t know how I have to get a job, or benefits. Something inside my head just knacks when I think of it, the procedures, the cross-examinations, it;s too much- I don;t know why, but I can not do it. I hide myself and don’t even start anything anymore. And why? I am not sure if I can answer.

After months sitting depressed at home, I went abroad, with a volunteerprogam- I really hoped to get myself together again with this, build up confidence and find a way to earn some money and be able to take care of myself and continue living and build up a future.
But it failed. And now I’m back here, without income, without support, and I honestly don’t know what to do.
How do I get a job, without too much hassle? People say around: if you really want to work, there is always work. But after so much rejections, after losing all trust in yourself, after not even fitting in to get benefits, how am I supposed to keep standing?

I am afraid, because I don’t want to fall back in these bad depressions again. I am afraid, because I don’t want to be stuck anymore and feel so unhappy as I was before. I am afraid, because what if they force me to do work that makes me unhappy and I break down? If they take away my freedom?

In my heart, I would like to be with people who make me happy, but they are not here. They are far. Can I still go to them and see them? How can I make it work? I would like to do a few things that make me happy. Just earn some money, I don’t need to earn a lot, just that I can buy groceries, pay my health insurance, travel a bit and buy new clothes. I don’t need to go out every week or have an expensive car or whatever. Is it soo much to ask to just have a life like that? sometimes, it seems like that.

I’m sad, because I don’t know what to do. (If you have any advice for me, please, write me or leave a reply. )
What do I do wrong? What should I do? Am I such a mess up I deserve to be in this position? Am I such a loser or do I do things so wrong that this is the price I have to pay?