It’s there, just over there.

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The person next to you points somewhere in front of you. It’s all you have to see.
It’s all you have to do. For the others, it’s clear where it is. It’s clear what to do.
And yet, you’re walking, not even standing still, but walking, but it’s not clear at all.

There, just there. Just this. Just that.
And all you do is stare. It’s there, probably, perhaps, but you can’t see it. You just stare into eternity (as far as that’s eternal) but it doesn’t change anything.

No one can understand why you can’t see it.
No one will understand why you can’t feel it.

It’s like the earth, in the galaxy – it’s staring, but it doesn’t see. For what? Where to?

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I wish the sky was upside down

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The trees salute to the sky
Clouds rumble down
The sun kisses space
And all that could have been erased
There is nothing to be,
And leaving for free
Sandstorms and dust
No bird to be seen.

 

 

It’s the sad of joy

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Walking through the storm, when everyone’s inside

and you know that step by step

you’ll get closer to the end

 

because

it doesn’t really matter which road you take:

they all lead to the same point.
Can you face the truth?

Can I face the truth?

Step by step, moving on.

Moving on, to the still.

 

Can you imagine, what it’s like?

When the mind that captures your soul

And your sould captures your mind.

 

Memories are flashbacks of the future

And tears are the drops of the rain

and steps are the sprints to the finish line,

the complete nothingness,

What else could you do?

(The lack of) dreams

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dream [driːm/]
noun – series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep //  state of mind in which someone is or seems to be unaware of their immediate surroundings // cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal.

” But don’t you have dreams anymore?”

Silence. Thoughts. Feeling a bit embarrassed. More thoughts. Silence. And a little storm in my head. Such a simple question, can be so difficult to answer.
Someone asked me this question a while ago, and sometimes it still kind of haunts me. Dreams. Do I have dreams? What are they? When is something exactly a dream? Did I ever have dreams? I-do-not-exactly-know.
Dreams, goals, future, they are all words that are a bit difficult for me somehow.
Maybe depression captured my dreams away. Maybe the ‘rough’ circumstances. Do dreams come back? Do you have to chase them? How can you find them when you can’t feel or see them?
Or is it that I don’t dare to see them, because if I can never realize anything it will hurt less? Who shall say.
I wondered if I ever had dreams. Was there something I really wished for? I am not sure. I guess for a long time, I kind of dreamt of my own house, or place to live. How nice that looked to me, to have a place where you can close the door and shut off from the outside world, where you decide the rules. Without any form of interfering from anyone or anything – just IF you choose for it.
That looked really nice for me, but this lasted short; circumstances changed something in me, and I don’t think it’s possible for me to have a place of my own now or in the nearby future. It’s too late. And I need it now, but I can’t. Just out of the question.
Maybe once I dreamed about a job, that was nice and that I would be happy with, that would allow me to have my own place to live, drive a car and go to places, go on holidays. Buy myself nice and proper food. Sometimes go to the cinema or a concert or a museum, buy myself a book. It doesn’t seem so far away for most of the people perhaps, but for me, it is too far away. So far that I don’t even think about it anymore, well rarely. I just can’t , because maybe it hurts too much that this is too far away (while I feel like I need it).
These things made me start thinking. What do I really need in life? What do I really need to feel happy? What is really important to me?
I figured out that it’s not having much stuff. I have too much stuff that I never use, so I started downsizing that. But if I downsize to my basic needs, I don’t seem to be happy neither. To a certain level, I seem to ‘need’ things, to be happy. For example, I don’t need a longboard to be able to live, but it does make me more happy somehow.
I don’t dare too look in the future too much anymore. it’s too far away, I can’t touch it, I can’t work towards it, just because the roads have to many bumps and you can not be sure of anything. Nothing is sure. Nothing is forever. You have to be always on guard. So HOW can you keep believing in your dreams, in your goals? Are they so strong you never give up on them? Are they so strong you never lose energy?
Dreams and goals seem so important, but on the other hand, they are only making things more difficult. Or what if you don’t really feel them? How do you decide the future? How do you work on the future?
Questions. So much questions.

Free, but trapped.

(Or should I say trapped, but free?)

Yesterday, I had a short conversation about this with someone. It’s something that I find very difficult and maybe what I’m going to write now isn’t making any sense at all. There’s one sentence that struck me in particular:

“you know, you keep saying you’re stuck, and I know that’s how you feel. But somehow you are more free than anyone I know”

I seem to be free. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a house, I don’t have a family, I have nothing much that ‘restricts’ me in a certain way: if I don’t get up, things will not fall apart, I will not be missed very badly, nor will much people even notice.

So, I seem to be free. I seem to be free, but I can’t seem to use it, I can’t seem to feel it, I can’t seem to see it. I don’t.

Because a lot of days, are full of emptiness. Are full of uselessness, of the lack of purpose. There is nothing much that keeps me going really, there is nothing that waits for me, nothing that needs me. The world is a place where there isn’t just space for everyone; literally maybe yes, but not in the world of jobs, income, and with this, the right to live, because this is how i see it – to not have these things, with the current system of how the world works, affect this – the right to live , because the way I see it it’s that it’s so difficult and hard to live in these circumstances, that I don’t want to call that a life.

And yet this whole thing is something you can see in many perspectives. A lot of people do not think my life is so bad – “but at least you don’t have a family” , “at least you have a bed to sleep in” or “at least you have food”.

So if you are alone, (which is already more difficult, because you have less support and everything is more expensive and you have nothing to fall back on, because you will have to fix everything yourself), it’s not so bad? So if you have a family, to care for, that’s worse than rot away when you’re alone? THis is really making me angry sometimes, and I want to scream: BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE EACH OTHER. But I don’t. I keep silent.

At least you have a bed to sleep in – what the fuck does this bed change when you feel so down and there is no purpose? Want to have my bed? fine, take it, I’ll sleep on the floor, whatever.

At least you have food? Fuck this food, it keeps my physically alive, but then the rest? And all this food is full of added crap, chemicals, whatever. You want to have the food? Fine, take it.

*now-back-to-less-angry-mode*

There are these moments, like now, how I realize how messed up (my) life is. How stuck I am and can;t get out. How I do not see possibilities anymore, ways to try.

Why should anyone give me a job? Why should anyone see something in me?

What future do I have to look forward to? Why would anyone help me out?

Am I to blame? Do I try to less? I had years of therapy, I saw different psychologists, I tried medication, I tried to finish a study, I did, I always worked, but after I graduated things fell apart. Can someone please tell me why I keep failing, what I do wrong, what is wrong with me? Because I don’t understand it anymore.

I seem to have a lot of possibilities, of choices, of so called ‘freedom’.

Yet, I feel a lot of pressure and judging minds about my situation. Every step is a marathon. Trying to find a job? There’s so much pressure and stuff to ‘explain’. Benefits? They are going to control my life and I will die even more inside.

Something has to be wrong with me, because I dont even have benefits. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t work for so long now.Something has to be wrong with me, because I can’t live on my own and I live in family’s house. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t get life nor do I understand the system. Something has to be wrong, because I can’t live like this.

Freedom. I can’t do whatever whenever I want.

So called freedom.

 

Icy drops

Slowly the dark leaves the world behind. There it is: the light. I pull my blanket up as far up as possible, trying to hide as much as I can from myself. I can see there’s fog outside, and this place surely looks like a ghost town. A ghost in a ghost town, it couldn’t be more perfect, I think.

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For a couple of hours, I lie there in agony and think: What reason do I have to get out of bed? None. Thoughts cross my mind of how useless and worthless I am like this, how things could have been, how I seem to be the only one in such a messed up situation and how trapped I am and I don’t see a way out. And how others judge, even if they don’t know me, and how they don’t understand. “Just get a job”, “Just get benefits” – if things were only so easy.

Not that it should matter, what others think of me. But somehow it does. I guess you need people and their opinions around you, just to be able to reflect on yourself and level yourself. Trapped, as a ghost in a ghost town. I don’t see a way out. At least, not right now. Always, there is this awful waiting time. I had enough of this waiting time, it’s painful. It’s killing. It brings permanent damage and you’ll never be the same again. ( If you can ever, be the same.)