The fishbowl

Lately, I’m really terrible at writing. I just can’t. I’ve been out of internet for a little while at home. That doesn’t help much either. But when I sit and try to touch my keyboard, nothing comes. In my head I feel the soup of words spinning, but they stay there like they are in a fishbowl, you can stare at them and see them, but they can’t get out. That’s how it is.

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Fishbowl. I can’t even draw one, I know.

Life has been a bit empty somehow. I’m struggling with this emptiness, with this nothingness inside of me. Other people seem to experience this less – they don’t feel I’m empty, but for myself, I’m one big hollow fishbowl. You see right through it, because there is nothing. So there is nothing to understand.

I lost motivation at work (again, or maybe  I didn’t lose it-maybe it never went away). I just go to work and do what is necessary. I pay my bills. But it’s as hollow as it sounds.

My grandmother passed away. I can’t even say I feel sad about that. The past and history with all of that, created this superweird situation. No one really misses her, and that is superweird. Yet its superweird how things developed (or didn’t) through the years and all the things that happened created scars that never heal. It’s weird to talk bad about the dead, but at the same time, dead people can still influence. Good and bad. It’s so complicated that I don’t know how to feel about it, and trying to explain tires me so much it blocks every single word that wants to come out. Death is weird to me anyway. Sometimes you see it coming, but when it happens, it’s so , weird. Enough about that.

Lately I’m less comfortable in my studio. I live in a building with few other studios. Some neighbours are really noisy and a bit messy and that irritates me. And I miss an outside space. A seperate room. I can not even really welcome people, my house is small and it’s just (except the bathroom) one long space. I can’t hang things on the wall because the wall is so bad it falls off immediatly and when you bump it it immediatly has a scratch or a little hole. I don’t need a big house, but one seperate room would be so great. When you step into my house, you see everything- kitchen, my couch& bed in one (just two mattrasses that I fold every day).

I stopped going to Jiu Jitsu. I felt broken for a while, not able to go. Yet my motivation is nowhere to be found. I know it’s good for me, but I don’t progress, I am not so happy and funny as the others and I just don’t blend in. That is how I feel, and I still didn’t go. I haven’t practised for months now. And I don’t know what to do with it, but still being a member and paying doesn’t make sense, does it?

Love flew back to her home country. That means I’m home alone now. I’m happy she went to see her friends and family and that she is off.

Now I’m sitting here in this house, not sure what to do. It’s weekend, but I just sit, stare, wonder. I don’t act. There is no motivation in me to do anything. I don’t want to cook, eat, move, go anywhere, read, just nothing.

All I can be is the empty fishbowl.

 

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When the sun goes down

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Sometimes,
or maybe just once,
all the colors of the world dissapear,
and you sink in to the deep
where there is no light

You sit on the bottom of the cave
and can’t fall deeper,
but can’t climb – you’re completely stuck

I don’t know what is worse,
but all I know is
that even if you’re on the bottom of the cave

and when the sun goes down
it does come up again
even if you can not bear the light.

sadness wins, sometimes

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I walk, because I need to get better, because I need to get fit. Because I need to take care of myself.But I walk and instead of feeling better, I feel sadness, and apathy. I feel scared, anxiety, and nasty thoughts.
What if I’m sick and I’m going to die? What if I never get rid of this freaking dysthymia? What if I can’t live a normal life and can’t hold on to my job? So many what if’s, but I know it doesn’t matter and I don’t have answers and I shouldn’t ask myself these questions. I don’t even know why I ask these questions. But they are in my head.

The sun shines, but my feelings are numb.It’s beautiful, the sun, the nature, the emptiness of the landscape. That I try to take care of myself. But I don’t feel it. All I want is to crawl away and feel sad, because I am. I want to be with my love, to feel safe and welcome.

But my love is far, and I’m stuck in this crazy sadness and hell of a pressure at work. I’m stuck in this life of nothingness. No, I’m not stuck forever, but I’m stuck now, and I feel this intense sadness, that makes me doubt about everything and makes me scared of so much things.

I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to feel this way.

And yet, it’s all that happens.

It’s the sad of joy

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Walking through the storm, when everyone’s inside

and you know that step by step

you’ll get closer to the end

 

because

it doesn’t really matter which road you take:

they all lead to the same point.
Can you face the truth?

Can I face the truth?

Step by step, moving on.

Moving on, to the still.

 

Can you imagine, what it’s like?

When the mind that captures your soul

And your sould captures your mind.

 

Memories are flashbacks of the future

And tears are the drops of the rain

and steps are the sprints to the finish line,

the complete nothingness,

What else could you do?

Living a life?

The last few weeks, have well…..just been weeks. Where days go by, and days go by.

I don’t really feel like I’m living a life. Most of the things are empty, meaningless, things that ‘have to be done’. But all disconnected from feelings. Things and feelings without a soul.

In most ways, everything has been chaotic. Work has been unstable, due to problems with planning department, extreme busy to nothing to do, to the sounds of the firing people issue. If everything goes according the planning, things will be more clear next week of who’s going to be fired and who not. (Not that I believe that – there are contradicting messages all the time and I don’t know what or who to believe – I guess I ‘ll just wait untill it really happens, because if I don’t its all lost energy of worrying and questioning). I don’t get it why they are so unclear and make so much fuss about it, all this causes is restless people.

Things at home have been difficult.

Sometimes I’m sad I still ‘live at my parents, because sometimes, like now, I dream of my own place. But it’s simple: I can’t really afford it. The risks are too high. Rents are too high. Even with my salary that is above minimum wage. BUT, since my work position and my income is unstable: I never have hour guarantees. Next week it dropped,  I have 16 hours. Thank you cutbacks. If my work drops like that, I wouldn’t be able to pay the rent or other bills.

Now, my sister is back again. I can’t help it, but everything changes when she’s here, certain things annoy me. I’m really okay with having someone over,  but somehow things with her always go the same and they annoy me. Which I find difficult to admit, or somehow I’m ashamed by it, because she’s my sister. She’s fighting hard for a place in the world too.

But somehow, she takes a lot of energy, she’s a very present person, makes a lot of noise. She is also very direct and strong, especially verbally. She also doesn’t have any money, and does whatever fits her. She doesn’t really think about others. Last week, I couldn’t sleep in the evening because i heard her watching movies late at night, and early in the morning I woke because she was jumping and exercising in her room, waking me up. She eats food without thinking someone maybe has to go to work or maybe someone planned something with that. She doesn’t really ask, she just takes and eats it in her room. Doesn’t really eat together or plan to cook for everyone, just for her, whenever she wants to.

I don’t know why it’s so annoying to me – she needs to eat too and do her things.  But the way she behaves, without ever showing something back, is maybe what annoys me te most. Or that I always have to ask or say, that she never sees it herself. For me it’s so logical to realize there are others too and they have needs, but for her, she doesn’t seem to think about it and does whatever comes to her mind without thinking of the others. Is that my failure?

For example, I bought a special chocolate, also for my parents/for everyone. But what happens? She takes the bar,stores in in her room, and  eats it all. To me that is selfish and rude. I can’t understand that. She will not buy a new one. She always asks about this and that, but never goes buy something herself.  There are more ‘little’ things like that, but I’m too tired of it to type them out. I am too tired. And if I say something about it, my mom gets mad too. Whatever. I don’t want to fight about it, but sometimes it’s really pissing me off, like last week, when she ate all the bread and didn’t put a new bread out of the freezer, so I ended up going to work with no bread. No big deal if it happens once, but there’s too much all the time with her, I really can not ‘take it in’ anymore. seems like my limits crossed and since that they’re always crossed. I wish I could stop this, or that it would not annoy me.

It seems that she kind of agreed with my mom that the upcoming time she will stay here and eat here without paying anything. Without paying is fine, but just ……….blegh. It’s fine, and it’s not. But maybe it’s me.

My (last living) grandma, who lives close, isn’t so well lately. The mixed feelings I have make it difficult. things that happened in the past, and that she is so dependent in certain ways. If my mom wouldn’t be here, we wouldn’t be in touch ( in my moms culture family is very important). My dad would never have seen his parents again. They didn’t treat my mom and dad so well in the past, and they did things that are not so cool. Now my mom is the one who arranges everything that is needed, and she seems very dependent on my mom, who already has enough to do, and, lost her own mom earlier this year. I do things or try to do things too for her, because I don’t want my mom to do everything. My grandma’s own daughter ( my aunt – i never see) doesn’t. My dad, doesnt. I can’t explain it any better right now, but I’m sick of the whole situation. The conflicts I have with myself – what is right, if things aren’t right.

It isn’t right, but not doing anything doesn’t feel right neither.

It makes me sad. It never changes. It never does, and I can’t do or say anything about it.

It’s a trap, where you can’t get out. Where I can’t get out. I don’t know what are the right things to do. I am doubting myself. Am I wrong? Am I having wrong views of the world, of how things should be? I have no right to speak, because I still live at home, I can’t be completely indepentent, I guess. I feel bad about myself too, that I’m mixed up in these conflicts, and I can’t decide and make up my mind.

I’m fine, and I’m not.

Distant sun.

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There it is. The sun. It’s morning, I woke up an hour ago, had breakfast and made a persimmon smoothie. Almost a miracle, because I prefer to stay in bed and sleep.

The world is beautiful and ugly at the same time.

I want to go out and never go out at the same time.

I see the sun, it looks beautiful, but at the same time, it’s too distant, and I can’t get myself to enjoy it, or go out, and experience it.

Everything is full of contradictions.

I stare outside through the window. Slowly the world comes alive, even on a sunday. In the corner of my room, there’s my longboard. Unused, for quite a while. I still like it though. I don’t use it, because I’m not that good, and people here look. It’s not a reason,  yet it’s the perfect reason not do to it. Why is that so difficult, just to go out and ignore everything around and just enjoy?

Practice means getting better. Exercise means better in shape.

I’ve been gaining weight I think, since lately I haven’t moved much, though my wish was to exercise more, and have more move moments. I guess that failed.Something’s locking me up.

I should go out. I.

Should.

Go.