High hopes.

I know it’s crazy to believe in silly things
It’s not that easy

It’s time to let it all go, go out and start again
But it’s not that easy

And the world keeps spinning, Yeah this world keeps spinning
How this world keeps spinning around.

 

 

 

The fire

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Why do they even call it the fire, when it’s not something that is literally burning?
Is it about the light? The warmth? The flame?

For a little while, life was so simple. All I had to take care of, was to get through the day, to find water, and food, and a shelter. To make it to the next place, or just make it through the day, but it’s a different making through the day as it is here. It’s kind of hard to explain, I don’t know how I can explain it with words, because they never have the load or the real meaning they have when it’s reality.

What is the fire inside of you?

What is the fire inside of me?

Can you answer this question for yourself? Can I answer this question for me?

The weird thing is that sometimes you think you know, but you are never sure. Or maybe you just assume. Or it changes, from time to time. I don’t know, I guess sometimes it’s just rather confusing.

Fire. What’s your fire? What’s my fire.

Is it the fire that keeps you moving?
Is it the fire that keeps you warm?
Or is it the fire that melts your heart?

When you know, a life will end.

Probably, this post is not going to make a lot of sense. A lot of things happened, but I’m tired, if not exhausted, from talking, from trying to find my words, even if I didn’t say anything on here.

With a lot of ups and downs, there will be something clear, unless a miracle happens, but miracles don’t happen. My grandma will die.

It seems that she got wrong medication and that damaged her. Because the doctor didn’t show up. A week later, via via some other doctor was warned, and he did show up. If that didn’t happen she would have been already gone, but it’s too late anyway, so it seems.

It seems that a flu, and a bacteria in a hospital mean the difference between life and death. It seems that she knows, she won’t make it anymore.

It’s weird.

I’m asked to say goodbye via Skype. How can I say goodbye via Skype. What do you say and how do you do when you know it’s the last time you will see someone alive?
It’s one of the hardest things I can imagine to do. I’m not sure if I can.

Yet, I have to. I’m a coward, and what if I was the one who would die? Would I like to see people? I guess so.

My heart breaks in pieces again. Another death coming up. Well, the others I didn’t expect. This one seems ‘predictable’.

But how many days, or hours?

The most difficult decisions have to be made. When, how, what?Where?

One thing is clear: no one wants her to suffer anymore. She suffered a lot.

15 years she had a very serious illness, but she is very strong, with so much willpower. She thought she’d beat the virus, 2 days ago. Today, she realized it was not. Her lungs are too weak. Her body has no backup anymore. The for weeks going on antibiotics are keeping her alive, but she can never again do without it and without it it’s over too.

What kind of life is that?

I imagine her children, my mom, my aunt, my uncle, saying goodbye to her for the last time.

Tears.

Holding a hand. Sleep. Last breath. And then: cold.

An existence is gone.

It’s not like that, it’s what plays in my head.

It’s so cruel. How can you ever recover from something like that? It’s one of the most terrible pains that can happen, if not the most terrible.

Miracle – if you exist, can you happen now, maybe?

I know life is not forever. I know we’re not immortal. But this is not a good end.

How do I keep standing next week. When I know it will be over. When I have to be there at my new job. What do I say, what do I do? Do I just go and sit and pretend. Do I tell anyone? Whats the point of telling anyone?

ANyway, it doesn’t matter, it’s just cruel. It’s just cruel.

cruelcruelcruelcruel.

no time to think

The last few days have been very busy. I’ve been functioning as a kind of callcenter I guess, I never spend so much time making and answering phonecalls. The situation with my grandma is still not safe or well. She had couple of blood transfusions and other injections and more. Since the hospital system works there in a certain way, there is 24 hours a day someone with her, to make sure she gets food or can go to the bathroom. (In this country where I am now the nurses help you with these things, in her country, in a ‘affordable’ hospital, they appareantly don’t – which is sad)

I’m the only one of the family who stayed behind and isn’t there. It makes me feel guilty and weird to have stayed behind, but yet I’m in a very difficult position. A life never can go above work, that is for sure though. But the most important people are surrounding my grandma, and someone had to take care of things here too, which I do now. I truly hope this hospital bacteria is gone and my grandma can recover from everything, but I don’t dare to think of anything since it goes so up and down and her health is so poor. All I can do is hope for the best.

Tomorrow I start my new job – I have to attend 2 weeks of training first. If things turn out that I have to go to the country of my grandma as well, I will lose my job. I truly hope my grandma will recover, because the choice is difficult otherwise. Not to see her anymore and not say farewell or lose the job, and be broke soon and the government could see it as another extra reason to not help me and give benefits – because it is ‘my fault’ that I didn’t start the job. I would have so much more trouble to find a way to be able to live, it’s already hard now.

Seriously, Monsterworld this is- these choices are not fair. But everything is based on financial things and not on really helping people. Everything feels like punishment to me. I dont get this world, I dont want to understand this world. I feel rejected by “my own country” if you can ever speak of your own country.

All I have to do is find a way ‘out’.

Thoughts from the deep inside

Am I true to myself? Do I try to push my deepest dreams and wishes away?
Who am I? Who am I , really? What do I really want?

Somehow I think I’m not true to myself, it comes with moments, and I always question myself how true it exactly is.

People congratulate me with my -temporary / 2months- job, and I can’t feel happy with it – I’m like, it doesn’t fix anything. Actually, it just fixes something very temporary, I will put something on my resume, people think ‘oh, she is able to do something normal’ and I will have some money. But it’s just postponing and delaying something, its not a solution.

I’m sad it doesn’t solve my problems. I’m sad that everyone thinks this is the best.

Somewhere, deep inside, it makes me sad that I’ll go to work. Don’t get me wrong: I do not mind working at all. I’d rather work a bit, do a nice, meaningful job, that doesnt have bad influences on the world. It would be nice when it would fix something and make you happy. Give you possibilities of freedom and your own space, and this job doesn’t do that. In fact; it doesn’t give me any guarantees, because I’m some kind of ‘flexworker’ , I will have no guarantees for hours at all. So there’s no guarantee for a regular income, I will have to see and wait what it brings, can not expect anything.

I worked for 10 years, worked really hard, and where did it get me? There are no guarantees. There is no safety system. If you get lost, no one will help you out. The only thing that happens is that your basic existence will be made as difficult as possible.

More and more I doubt if this is the right thing to do. This job doesn’t fix anything. It will not make the world better. It will be a sentence, waiting in prison for the final judgement.

Maybe, I just want to be free, and see the world, and travel, so I don’t have to stop anywhere for a longer time, so people can’t judge me anymore, so I don’t have to feel so guilty anymore. So I don’t have to push myself to look cool in jobs and hop from job to job and put so much energy in adjusting all the time. Or if you can even speak of that, I’ve been so much rejected and jobless for a long time that I’m clearly not needed.

Maybe I should go after this job, and just travel the world, and not put all my energy in trying to make something of life, because it makes me depressed and takes all my energy.

The saddest thing is that im not even sure about anything.

now what?

Free, but trapped.

(Or should I say trapped, but free?)

Yesterday, I had a short conversation about this with someone. It’s something that I find very difficult and maybe what I’m going to write now isn’t making any sense at all. There’s one sentence that struck me in particular:

“you know, you keep saying you’re stuck, and I know that’s how you feel. But somehow you are more free than anyone I know”

I seem to be free. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a house, I don’t have a family, I have nothing much that ‘restricts’ me in a certain way: if I don’t get up, things will not fall apart, I will not be missed very badly, nor will much people even notice.

So, I seem to be free. I seem to be free, but I can’t seem to use it, I can’t seem to feel it, I can’t seem to see it. I don’t.

Because a lot of days, are full of emptiness. Are full of uselessness, of the lack of purpose. There is nothing much that keeps me going really, there is nothing that waits for me, nothing that needs me. The world is a place where there isn’t just space for everyone; literally maybe yes, but not in the world of jobs, income, and with this, the right to live, because this is how i see it – to not have these things, with the current system of how the world works, affect this – the right to live , because the way I see it it’s that it’s so difficult and hard to live in these circumstances, that I don’t want to call that a life.

And yet this whole thing is something you can see in many perspectives. A lot of people do not think my life is so bad – “but at least you don’t have a family” , “at least you have a bed to sleep in” or “at least you have food”.

So if you are alone, (which is already more difficult, because you have less support and everything is more expensive and you have nothing to fall back on, because you will have to fix everything yourself), it’s not so bad? So if you have a family, to care for, that’s worse than rot away when you’re alone? THis is really making me angry sometimes, and I want to scream: BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE EACH OTHER. But I don’t. I keep silent.

At least you have a bed to sleep in – what the fuck does this bed change when you feel so down and there is no purpose? Want to have my bed? fine, take it, I’ll sleep on the floor, whatever.

At least you have food? Fuck this food, it keeps my physically alive, but then the rest? And all this food is full of added crap, chemicals, whatever. You want to have the food? Fine, take it.

*now-back-to-less-angry-mode*

There are these moments, like now, how I realize how messed up (my) life is. How stuck I am and can;t get out. How I do not see possibilities anymore, ways to try.

Why should anyone give me a job? Why should anyone see something in me?

What future do I have to look forward to? Why would anyone help me out?

Am I to blame? Do I try to less? I had years of therapy, I saw different psychologists, I tried medication, I tried to finish a study, I did, I always worked, but after I graduated things fell apart. Can someone please tell me why I keep failing, what I do wrong, what is wrong with me? Because I don’t understand it anymore.

I seem to have a lot of possibilities, of choices, of so called ‘freedom’.

Yet, I feel a lot of pressure and judging minds about my situation. Every step is a marathon. Trying to find a job? There’s so much pressure and stuff to ‘explain’. Benefits? They are going to control my life and I will die even more inside.

Something has to be wrong with me, because I dont even have benefits. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t work for so long now.Something has to be wrong with me, because I can’t live on my own and I live in family’s house. Something has to be wrong with me, because I don’t get life nor do I understand the system. Something has to be wrong, because I can’t live like this.

Freedom. I can’t do whatever whenever I want.

So called freedom.

 

progress.

How things were a bit sad in the beginning of the week, the ‘not serious job’ and all the stress surrounding it, things have cleared up a bit. I don’t know why these things bring so much stress, because rationally I know it doesn’t have to be like this. Yet, it’s so difficult to control these thoughs, these feelings, emotions, whatever they exactly are.

Yesterday late afternoon I got a phonecall, of a job agency for a serious job. I talked for a minute or 20 with the guy (wow, really, did I talk so much !) and the conversation was okay. I found the right words so far (not completely, but it went pretty well for me. He also thought I would suit the job and so he send me some papers I had to complete and tomorrow I have a real interview. I’m nervous though. It’s been ages since I had a real job (1,5 year ago) and this is a bit related to my study as well, so if I would get hired, this would be my first job in the field of my study (well, not really strongly, but it’s linked to the field)

Please keep your fingers crossed with me , that it will go well and I won’t get any panic attacks or any of that kind. If I get this job, even if its temporary, things will be better for a while for sure because I finally will have some income again, which I really need!

Hi hope, bye hope?

So, today was supposed to be a better day than yesterday – or at least, I planned to make it a better day. I’ve set my alarm on 8.30 (but I snoozed and got up at 9.00), went to eat some breakfast and drank a cup of tea, scanned a newspaper, and went to shower and washed my hair (didn’t wash my hair for a week, yikes, I know).

Last week I made a new “plan” and I want to try to stick with it. I try to go on a walk at least two times a week (three days a week I’m home alone part of the day, which gives me the space and peace of mind to do things in MY way). Yesterday failed, so it was important I would go today.

First I went to the postoffice and did the laundry and made some lunch (because one of my parents comes home for lunch). After lunch I finally had a few hours somehow for myself, so I went out for a walk. I wanted to go to the little forest first, but the path was crowded and I somehow didn’t feel like bumping in people, so I walked somewhere else. It was ‘just a ” 30 minutes walk, but it was a walk, right?

So, I came home and saw a vacancy. This is actually another part of “the plan” – find a job and save money. With the person I love, we made some kind of plan that contained for me: find a job , apply at least 3 times a week (last week, I didn’t make it though 😦 ). When I don’t find a job before 1st of March, I will go abroad. Or on a travel to Georgia, Azerbaijan, Armenia OR I will go to France and be nearby her.

Okay, so I saw a vacancy. One I seemed to fit the requirements, and one that seemed cool. Okay, let’s do this and apply! I felt some hope sparkle in me. I started writing, even with still these 10000 attacks of my own brain: you can’t do this, others are much better than you are, and blablablablabla. But I kept going. And then , this happened: after just such a short time! This job, was online recently (one possibility; apply online- no other options for this job) and after such a short time, while I was still working on my letter, this message appeared in my screen: Due to a lot of applications, we closed this vacancy.

WHAT? NOW ALREADY?
Seriously, how quickly do people write a letter? In an hour? No way! No way I can write a good letter in an hour, this requires time!

And there I sat. Dissapointed. these attacks in my head – you see, you’re not fast enough, no one wants a slow person like you, am I doomed, and so much more, the ‘blablablablabla’.

Great. This was supposed to be no. 1 of this week.

Supposed.

To be.

 

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Ice-fossil. I came across this on my walk. An Ice-fossil, is how I called it. Am I an ice-fossil? something that once have been useful, but now lost it’s glory and function?

 

 

Signs or coincidence?

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So. Somehow, the last few days, have been weird in a way that all these ‘messages’ or however you should call them, appeared in one way or another. I’m not really a person who usually thinks these things are signs and whatever, and  I don’t think I really believe in ‘messages from the universe’ or whatever. But somehow they are a bit remarkable.

Last week, I won a small amount of money with a scratch off ticket someone gave me (it’s really a small prize, I bought 3 breads for it and gone was the money). As well, I won a scarf and hat with a prize contest which really surprised me – well actually I didn’t win it for myself, the contest was like “tell us why you would like to win this for someone”. So I will give the scarf and hat to the person I wished/won it for of course.

I bought a new sweater for myself (one I’ve been thinking about for maybe 5 weeks now). My size was sold out and a couple of days ago my size was back again and I promised myself last time when my size would be restocked, I would buy it, so I finally did. I found this card from the picture in my sweater saying: What’s stopping you?

Last night, I went to join my mother to church. Usually, I don’t enter churches, I’m not really religious in the way of believing in a ” person or something” – with all respect to persons who are religous and believe in something or someone. Really, I don’t mind other people being religious but I really dislike the fact there are people out there who think killing is right because someone has other ideas in these things and I really dislike that there is so much disrespect and pressure and such.

I still don’t know exactly why I joined – I think it’s because I felt guilty towards my mother. She always has to go alone there and I think she doesn’t like that. As well, a couple of days ago she said to me something like : sometimes I doubt that you love me. That I hold some kind of grudge because of the past. I still don’t know what to think of this. Yeah, it’s true- I am distant in ways, and things of the past will not be allright and forgotten. I am not a very huggy person – but this doesn’t mean I do not love. I am not a person who can be around people all the time – I NEED to be alone sometimes, just to be able to cope and deal with life. This she doesn’t understand – There are more things she doesn’t understand. There are things I don’t want to talk about anymore, because they will hurt her too much. Her life was difficult enough, and I know she will feel guilty when I will tell the truth – well, how it was for me and how it affected me. When everyone is here, I usually withdraw a bit – because my siblings can be pretty loud and present, and I just I can’t help it- I don’t feel comfortable with this.But that doesn’t mean I don’t love them. That doesn’t mean I don’t care or something. It stings me a bit she thinks this way and that it makes me feel guilty.

And it stings that I know with saying the whole truth (truth for me) that it will hurt. I can feel and sense the hurt that is done in the past, hurt not caused by me, hurt caused by me, I just sense it somehow and I don’t want to make things more difficult then they already are. There is no need for me to go over and over the past – I can’t change it anymore anyway, and I just want to move on – what’s left, is left. I learned my lessons. But I don’t want to talk over it again and again. I just want to move on. I will not forget, but I can live with everything because I can understand. Of course it did affect me and it probably still will in the future, but that doesn’t mean I want to make a constant issue of it.

Anyway, when walking to this church thing, the street lights had a failure I think, because they flashed on, off, stayed dark for a while, they went on again, and so it went. The stars you could see clearly. The service was okay I guess – I just sat there, heard the singing, listened to the man (sorry- I don’t know exactly what kind of man it was) who told a story and just observed other people and the building. The man was telling a story and when he was in the middle of a story he said ‘do not fear’ and it seemed like he looked me straight into my eyes. There are a few words that jumped out of this whole thing for me somehow; these were:

  • do not fear
  • hope
  • future

All these things made me think.

They are making links in my head, though I can not really explain them well.

I can feel the whiteboard in my brain changing all the time.

arrow left. arrow right.word.drawing. erase.new word.connection. another connection. and so on.

And today, I wonder about this:
What’s stopping me?

What do I really want? What does my soul want? What will be my next step?
I have to find my dream. I have to find out what I really want. How do you find it?

What’s stopping me to find my dream?