When the storm starts

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The windows are closed

behind them, I sit and listen.

The stories that blow through my head, through my ears,

there is nothing left do to but sit and see and hear,

Like the sea, like waves that come and dissapear

Sometimes rain interrrupts this dream

and drops make their own song in this melody

Darkness settles in, I’ve switch off all the lights

leave on a candle, that dances shadows on the wall

the storm is here,

The storm is here.

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Thoughts from the deep inside

Am I true to myself? Do I try to push my deepest dreams and wishes away?
Who am I? Who am I , really? What do I really want?

Somehow I think I’m not true to myself, it comes with moments, and I always question myself how true it exactly is.

People congratulate me with my -temporary / 2months- job, and I can’t feel happy with it – I’m like, it doesn’t fix anything. Actually, it just fixes something very temporary, I will put something on my resume, people think ‘oh, she is able to do something normal’ and I will have some money. But it’s just postponing and delaying something, its not a solution.

I’m sad it doesn’t solve my problems. I’m sad that everyone thinks this is the best.

Somewhere, deep inside, it makes me sad that I’ll go to work. Don’t get me wrong: I do not mind working at all. I’d rather work a bit, do a nice, meaningful job, that doesnt have bad influences on the world. It would be nice when it would fix something and make you happy. Give you possibilities of freedom and your own space, and this job doesn’t do that. In fact; it doesn’t give me any guarantees, because I’m some kind of ‘flexworker’ , I will have no guarantees for hours at all. So there’s no guarantee for a regular income, I will have to see and wait what it brings, can not expect anything.

I worked for 10 years, worked really hard, and where did it get me? There are no guarantees. There is no safety system. If you get lost, no one will help you out. The only thing that happens is that your basic existence will be made as difficult as possible.

More and more I doubt if this is the right thing to do. This job doesn’t fix anything. It will not make the world better. It will be a sentence, waiting in prison for the final judgement.

Maybe, I just want to be free, and see the world, and travel, so I don’t have to stop anywhere for a longer time, so people can’t judge me anymore, so I don’t have to feel so guilty anymore. So I don’t have to push myself to look cool in jobs and hop from job to job and put so much energy in adjusting all the time. Or if you can even speak of that, I’ve been so much rejected and jobless for a long time that I’m clearly not needed.

Maybe I should go after this job, and just travel the world, and not put all my energy in trying to make something of life, because it makes me depressed and takes all my energy.

The saddest thing is that im not even sure about anything.

now what?

Signs or coincidence?

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So. Somehow, the last few days, have been weird in a way that all these ‘messages’ or however you should call them, appeared in one way or another. I’m not really a person who usually thinks these things are signs and whatever, and  I don’t think I really believe in ‘messages from the universe’ or whatever. But somehow they are a bit remarkable.

Last week, I won a small amount of money with a scratch off ticket someone gave me (it’s really a small prize, I bought 3 breads for it and gone was the money). As well, I won a scarf and hat with a prize contest which really surprised me – well actually I didn’t win it for myself, the contest was like “tell us why you would like to win this for someone”. So I will give the scarf and hat to the person I wished/won it for of course.

I bought a new sweater for myself (one I’ve been thinking about for maybe 5 weeks now). My size was sold out and a couple of days ago my size was back again and I promised myself last time when my size would be restocked, I would buy it, so I finally did. I found this card from the picture in my sweater saying: What’s stopping you?

Last night, I went to join my mother to church. Usually, I don’t enter churches, I’m not really religious in the way of believing in a ” person or something” – with all respect to persons who are religous and believe in something or someone. Really, I don’t mind other people being religious but I really dislike the fact there are people out there who think killing is right because someone has other ideas in these things and I really dislike that there is so much disrespect and pressure and such.

I still don’t know exactly why I joined – I think it’s because I felt guilty towards my mother. She always has to go alone there and I think she doesn’t like that. As well, a couple of days ago she said to me something like : sometimes I doubt that you love me. That I hold some kind of grudge because of the past. I still don’t know what to think of this. Yeah, it’s true- I am distant in ways, and things of the past will not be allright and forgotten. I am not a very huggy person – but this doesn’t mean I do not love. I am not a person who can be around people all the time – I NEED to be alone sometimes, just to be able to cope and deal with life. This she doesn’t understand – There are more things she doesn’t understand. There are things I don’t want to talk about anymore, because they will hurt her too much. Her life was difficult enough, and I know she will feel guilty when I will tell the truth – well, how it was for me and how it affected me. When everyone is here, I usually withdraw a bit – because my siblings can be pretty loud and present, and I just I can’t help it- I don’t feel comfortable with this.But that doesn’t mean I don’t love them. That doesn’t mean I don’t care or something. It stings me a bit she thinks this way and that it makes me feel guilty.

And it stings that I know with saying the whole truth (truth for me) that it will hurt. I can feel and sense the hurt that is done in the past, hurt not caused by me, hurt caused by me, I just sense it somehow and I don’t want to make things more difficult then they already are. There is no need for me to go over and over the past – I can’t change it anymore anyway, and I just want to move on – what’s left, is left. I learned my lessons. But I don’t want to talk over it again and again. I just want to move on. I will not forget, but I can live with everything because I can understand. Of course it did affect me and it probably still will in the future, but that doesn’t mean I want to make a constant issue of it.

Anyway, when walking to this church thing, the street lights had a failure I think, because they flashed on, off, stayed dark for a while, they went on again, and so it went. The stars you could see clearly. The service was okay I guess – I just sat there, heard the singing, listened to the man (sorry- I don’t know exactly what kind of man it was) who told a story and just observed other people and the building. The man was telling a story and when he was in the middle of a story he said ‘do not fear’ and it seemed like he looked me straight into my eyes. There are a few words that jumped out of this whole thing for me somehow; these were:

  • do not fear
  • hope
  • future

All these things made me think.

They are making links in my head, though I can not really explain them well.

I can feel the whiteboard in my brain changing all the time.

arrow left. arrow right.word.drawing. erase.new word.connection. another connection. and so on.

And today, I wonder about this:
What’s stopping me?

What do I really want? What does my soul want? What will be my next step?
I have to find my dream. I have to find out what I really want. How do you find it?

What’s stopping me to find my dream?